So today was my birthday. I didn't feel any older, which I guess is a good thing. I mean I think it's pretty normal to not feel anything on a birthday other than 'Jeez I hope no one thinks I'm super self centered or an unfeeling robot' and 'I hope I get some cash filled cards cause I'm a broke bitch'.

I'm not saying that I didn't enjoy myself today, cause I did have a lot of fun. My family went go karting for the first time and then we went to Cork to shop for stuff. We then went to the Chocolate Cafe. I'd call that a pretty awesome birthday.

The problem is, it was a Break Day for I'd say 3/5 of us.

Our family, despite how close we are and how much we've improved, is unstable. 

My dad is gone most of the week to work in London, so my mom has to juggle 3 kids with no extra help other than from my brother and I. 

My little sister is 7, and we suspect that she might have some symptoms of ADHD. Nothing's confirmed yet though. 

My little brother is just starting 1st year in an all boys school, which is never a good thing in my town. Especially since our family is a pretty big target for bullies since we're a bunch of 'freaks'.

I've already said most of my problems before. Being the oldest and also the problem child is probably the worst combination.

Of course, we all love each other dearly. We used to be such a toxic and unsafe family. Everyone was backing each other into corners, no one talked about their pain. We all just battled for survival. I'm not ready to talk about that though. I can feel like I'm about to cry and I'm not ready for that today. What's important is that it's over, and we can talk again. We have inside jokes, close bonds, and late night movies and music videos every Sunday. I love them with everything I got. 

But we're still not okay.

The way we're dealing with our feelings is bad. It feels like the entire family is made out of glass at this point. The vibrations of the outside world is so much to handle, but we just keep it inside. There's no more fighting, but there sure as hell is a lot of repression. 

Break days are the days the glass cracks. It's usually during the same week when we all break. It happens every 1-2 months. Everything we keep inside becomes too much and one of us will shatter. 

My mom usually cries and shouts. She loses sleep over it and just snaps at everyone. She'll apologize afterwards.

My brother yells and hits stuff. It's usually me he hits, but that just what siblings do when they're mad. He doesn't like to admit he's wrong though, so we both just forget about it. He also becomes thick with anyone who dares criticize or point out a mistake he's made.

My Dad will rant to my mom about how his kids are such disappointments in a bold tone. He makes sure we can hear. He doesn't apologize either, but it's okay. I usually just hang with my brother and wait it out.

I usually just go upstairs and self harm or something. I just isolate myself and become really disconnected and antisocial. I'll usually be pretty dismissive of other people. It usually ends with me crying myself to sleep, or crying and apologizing to everyone.

My sister doesn't really have break days. I guess she's not at that point yet.

Occasionally, we'll all break on the same day. I hate those days. Unfortunately, today my Mom, Dad and brother cracked today. It can't be helped, but I still wish it hadn't been today. Everyone was enjoying themselves until they broke. Luckily, we ended up watching a movie to distract us. My brother didn't go as far to hit anyone today, but he still acted like an ass at lunch time. Dad did the disappointment talk, and my mom cried. I just wish we were all happy. I got so caught up the the previous 3 days when everything was okay, that I didn't notice the cracks in the glass. I guess I was caught off guard. Next time I'll be more useful.

That's all for now