I hate feeling like this. Just feeling in general, actually. 

During the 'Not So Great Depression', I didn't feel things. Part of the reason I started self harm was to feel something. Now I just want it to stop. 

I just hate feeling everything. Every thought that enters my head feels like an itchy sweater for my brain. Every emotion feels like mud or cement or some disgusting thick substance being poured into my chest. It's so overwhelming and I hate it.

 I keep having these moments throughout the day, mostly if I'm panicked, where I can feel everything at once. I can feel my skin, and my fingerprints and my clothes and how they're too itchy and how no matter what I do and no matter how many layers I take off or showers I have I can't get the overwhelming sensations of different itchy and rough and sickeningly light brushes against my skin.

Even feeling happy makes me feel nauseous. Even touches that feel nice like being pet or hugged are overwhelming. I just want to feel numb again. I've considered smoking incense to just feel relaxed or something. I've considered taking up drinking just to feel some kind of numbness. 

When I started drinking in January, it was just to feel okay and try to sleep better. I stopped after like a week though. I felt too guilty because I was deceiving my family and my mom. 

I don't want to hurt them. Lorcan has necrophobia. I was dumb enough to give into him and tell him why I had to leave in first year. He broke down because of me. My family got into that toxic circle because of me. I'm so scared that everything will go back to the way it was before, but I'm the one who caused it. I started this whole fucking thing and nothing I do can justify it.

Everyone keeps telling me that 'it wasn't my fault I got bullied, the school didn't do anything'. I know all the facts point to them, but I still feel like it's my fault. It probably is, and they just don't know how much of a freak I was.

That school is getting questioned by the government because apparently a year before I went, a boy was sexually harassed and the school did nothing about it. They told the kid in question one thing and the parents another thing. They also didn't contact Tousla, which is the child protective service in Ireland, and a required step.

There's no written documents that my family has between the school, so we can't make our own case. I'm supposed to lay low about it, so I am doing it. This journal is kind of like screaming into the void for me. 

They hurt me. The guidance counselor told me to stop being weird so I wouldn't get bullied. What kind of adult tells a 12 year old to stop being weird. It both scares and infuriates me that this could have so easily been avoided, and that my future and health was theirs to decide in some way, and they did this. 

I may have chosen the wrong way to deal with my problems, and I may have had low self esteem before Ireland according to Lindsey, but they were the ones who let a student get bullied because they didn't care enough. I'm scared to fucking feel things, probably because I've been hit with so much after just recovering from depression, and it's because nobody did anything to stop it. 

They stole my stuff and ran off with it, gossiped about me behind my back and to my face, pushed me into a tree, literally cat called me (I'm not lying. They meowed at me whenever I went into a room and called me a crazy cat lady in the hallways), isolated and alienated me, turned everything I said into some sort of threat, and manipulated me, and the people who could have stopped it so easily did absolutely fucking nothing. 

It's disgraceful. I shouldn't break down at even the mention of the school. I shouldn't have to go out of my way to avoid former bullies in town so I don't cry. I shouldn't have to be scared to wear   an outfit that has an emo aesthetic because 'people might react the same way as they did'. I shouldn't have an anxiety attack because I acted weird and 'everything will happen all over again and I'll have to leave again'. I shouldn't feel the need to fucking slit my wrists and arms to feel okay because 'I can't rely on other people'. 

But I do. And it sucks.

I hate being so overwhelmed by stuff that's supposed to feel good. It's scary. With depression, you just accept it. You don't struggle. It's suffocating, but relaxing. Like being underwater. But with this, it feels like I'm being strangled. I'm suffocating, but I don't want to. 

That's all for now.