It's been a while since I did anything. Like, self harm wise. Sometimes I skip meals just because. I don't like my weight anyway, so it works out fine. I'm not cutting myself anymore. I don't think I will for a while, if ever again. I can't stand to be around small knives though. Mom kept them after the incident, and put them back in the kitchen. I hate it

Yeah, I'm not sure when I wrote that, but it was a while ago. Like a wip that I didn't want to think about anymore.

It's been a year, a month and 5 days since I've self harmed. So yep. Kinda wild. I actually missed the 'anniversary' by a few days before I realized it had been a year. And idk, I feel different. Definitely more mature at least. I haven't updated this in a while, jeez. 

I'm glad that I stopped. Like genuinely. Sometimes I think about my arms for too long and I just think about how blank they are, and I hate it. It's so fucking empty and blank and smooth and I hate it. I just want to feel something on my arms. A rough bit or something to scratch and pick at.  Some kind of colour or pain. I hate it god dammit. I can feel my arms tingling and just sitting there. Jesus Christ i want it to be rough or painful or something other than smooth and pale and gross. It's like that pasta that the Italians didn't buy even though they bulk bought all the other pasta at the start of COVID, because that pasta is just that unpleasant and gross.

Oof I just want to scream sometimes and swear and cry. Just empty it all out. I want to hurt myself again. I need to get out of this head or tear out my hair or something.

Just that feeling of wanting to rip and tear and my skin until I'm just a bloody pulp like all of the shitty characters in Burnbright. That was an awful movie. So much unnecessary gore, and the characters were so unlikeable. Also the kid had no motives whatsoever. Why kill the neighbors when your aiming to take over the world and have the power to do so with no trouble whatsoever? 'Idk gore'. Also like, do feel no remorse or emotional struggle when you kill your family? At least your mom? Nope. It's not even like, an alien thing, because he clearly shows emotion throughout the film. He's not faking it, because he's killing random people he doesn't like. He gets upset when he finds out he's been lied too for years. It's like, pick a story, at the least. 

Well that went off topic.

Idk, I just can't think about it for more than a few minutes, or else I'll get that overwhelming blank feeling and just cave in on myself. 

I want to talk about more positive stuff now. I'm doing really well. I've started talking to people. Joey's has little to no influence on me. He changed his name to Joey. I'm making friends. People think I'm funny. And it's not because of the depression. Fuck that whole 'depression makes you funny' bullshit. 

Bro my cat is snuggling me he's so fucking cute what a gem

My hairs grown longer. Like shoulder length. I might change my profile pic soon or redraw it. I can say with confidence that it looks pretty. Curly hair is hard to draw though. Also I gained weight around my thighs again. Ew. I'm doing runs with my dad now, so hopefully I'll slim them down a bit. 

I also realized that I'm a massive fucking nerd jfc. I kind of knew that I was kind of a weeb or whatever, since I used to watch a lot of anime, but I think the fact that I'm an absolute slut for essay questions is what gave it away. My entire family consists of nerds, but they're cool nerds. They play sports and shit, and have good grades. I have passed 1 maths test this year at 45%. It's TY, so it doesn't matter as much.

I did well in the Toastmasters workshop. Like, social skills and public speaking. I know how t9 make people laugh. 

My crush told me I had a 'Fat ass' the other day and I fucking lost it lol. They were imitating every single Tiktok fuck boy ever. They also said we should get married but I'm pretty sure it's a friend thing. Sound like a clueless lesbian rn, but shush. 

I anonymously run the school meme page. Apparently I'm not slick though. Bro my cat just sneezed bless him.

I might edit this later and post a new profile pic with this new image of myself. Also cause my art style changed