At this point in time, I'm just tired of anxiety. I know that my 'true self' or whatever is the worst, and it's better to have some sort of voice that keeps me in line, but I still don't appreciate the anxiety attacks and feelings it gives me. I'm just done with feeling like my entire life is scripted and thoroughly calculated. The few people who actually have similar problems and disorders to me are very open about it, but I've been keeping my past, my feelings, my hobbies, and my difficulties secret. It'd be so much easier to just have it out there.

I just want to wear skirts and t shirts without the fear of being called a slut, or people seeing my scars.

I just want to not care, and be like 'yeah I self harm but I look like a fucking snack in this top so piss off you wanker'

Or, 'I'm wearing a skirt, get over yourselves'

In all honesty I'm thinking of doing that. The thing is, I've secretly wanted to do that for years. 3 years of planning to be confident and I'm still cautious about it. It's pretty sad.

I also feel like if I had just explained to people from the start that I have social anxiety, it would have been so much easier for them to understand why I didn't talk to them, and why I would leave a room randomly for like an hour. At some point, a girl from school saw my scars and just looked at me in confusion and disgust. If I had told her that I was in therapy for it, and why, she would've taken it better. 

So now I'm going to try and be more open about my past, and my mental health. I'm not going to care if they call me names, or talk about me behind my back again. I don't want a repeat of first year though. I've moved to a new school, this is my second chance. Can I really throw that away? But I've been here for a year and a half now and still nobody understands the situation I'm in. Shittt idk what I'm doing. I just have to be open don't I. 

Fuck it I'm just going to have a crisis

See you later