Over the past 7 months, I've been experiencing emotions in various ways.

But it's not in an emotional sense, but more of a mental sense (idk it sounds right).

Like, I can feel happy, and sad and all that shit, but the way they're presented to me in my head keeps changing.

Through January and March, when I felt the most (I'm not sure how to explain this. depressed or suicidal maybe?), my feelings were presented in 4 forms.

I didn't have complex emotions, and it felt like I was just hit with different moods instead of them naturally occurring. I'm not sure if this makes sense or not so my apologies if it doesn't.

They came in 4 forms. I couldn't find proper emotions for them, so I used colour and specific words to describe it.

Pink: 

Pink was content. Like, at peace. It wasn't happy, it was just satisfied. I felt pink when I did stuff I liked (e.g. Playing piano, drawing, listening to music). After a while though, I started to lose that feeling. Doing the things I liked no longer made me feel pink. The only way I could feel pink was through self harm. That eventually stopped working too though.

Red

Red was chaotic. It represented anxiety, more specifically anxiety attacks. It also represented pain for me. It really made me feel like the angsty teen I am. Red could be calmed down with self harm, making coffee, listening to music, or talking to myself. Later on my therapist taught me a trick to calm down if I'm on the verge of an attack. I'll say it here in case anyone else has this problem. 

Sit down,

List 5 things you can see

List the colours of each object

List 3 things you can feel

List 2 things you can touch

Take a few deep breaths

I'm not sure if that's the exact order, but it works for me.

I actually knew the technique beforehand off of reading a Prinxiety fanfic, but I didn't think it would actually work lol.

Anyway back to the colours

Acid Yellow

Acid Yellow was probably high. During 'The Not-So-Great Depression", I really wanted to do drugs or have something to just get me high. I knew that it wasn't the right kind of happy to look for, but I didn't really care sooo. I never actually went through with it, since there's a huge problem in Ireland atm with drug dealers preying on younger kids for money, and I was too scared my family would get hurt. 

Also because I wasn't given antidepressants since the depression was mild.

Dull

Dull was like a gray tinted with blue. Based on my diagnosis, I'm pretty sure that Dull represented depression. It wasn't sad. That's not what Dull is. Dull is Dull.

Jesus I sound like one of those #im14andthisisdeep posts on reddit.

Can't blame myself though since I'm still technically 14 until the 8th.

I just wrote 15 cause I'm and impatient bitch lol.

So that was January through March.

After that i started to feel more emotions. The problem was, they were too bright and saturated. It still felt unnatural. I fucking hated it. Each emotion felt like a stab to the brain. They were too sharp and piercing, not how emotions should be.

Now a days my emotions feel like bubbles.

It feels natural, but repressed. Like when you shake a bottle of soda and leave it there instead of opening it. Everything feels trapped inside of me. The bubbles are soft and natural. The colours are the right saturation. But they feel muffled.

I'm not sure what to do about it. Hell, I don't even know if it's normal to feel like this. Is it normal? I don't know if I just don't remember what it's like, and I'm still getting used to it, or if the bubbles are wrong. It sure as fuck feels wrong.

I guess that's all for now.