Ok ima rant here.

There is so much idealization of self harm and suicide and mental disorders online, and it sucks. A big reason on why I'm ashamed of my problems is because of how often people fake having depression for attention. I'm scared people will think I'm doing that, and then I'll offend people or they'll make fun of me or some shit. 

So many people diagnose themselves with depression, or ptsd, or bpd or anxiety disorder, because they crave that slight sense of validation when people say, 'you're so brave' or 'same lol'. 

It's because people have painted this picture that if you hate yourself enough, someone will notice and come save you. That if you just slit your wrists a few times, Prince or Princess Charming will swoop in and convince you that you're a good person. Everyone gets a happy ending if they attempt suicide, because they'll say their goodbyes and then their crush will tell them not to, and how they love them so much. Or maybe, if they stab themselves, they'll miraculously survive and suddenly everyone gives them the undying attention they crave.

Well here's a fucking wake up call, that's not how it works. 

When people find out that you hate yourself, they give you this look of either disgust or pity. They either treat you like the new bubonic plague, or they never leave your side because they're 'such a good friend' and 'you're just a poor little innocent baby'. It's a shitty experience, being cut down to nothing more than your fucked up private life. The only reason people stay with you is because they're terrified that if they leave they'll feel responsible for your suicide.

All you ever see nowadays is people, mostly teenage and preteen girls, claiming they have a major depressive disorder, without even being able to fathom the suffocating, dull emptiness of even a mild case of depression, and they do it because they just want to get the happy ending they feel they so deserve. It sickening listening to people you know blabber on about how much they want to kill themselves, and how I wouldn't understand, while I discreetly pick at the scars under my sleeve, and try to stop my self from punching them. People give them sympathy, and shower them with validation, and I just have to go along with it. Because if I don't, people will get suspicious and start to ask questions. 

There's no choice in wanting to kill yourself. You can choose not to, but you can't change the plans that you make in your head, and the constant repetition of 'it's so easy' and 'this needs to stop'. The fact that people weaponize pain they made up makes me want to puke.