So this has been a reoccurring problem since 2nd year. I really hate it.

When I left Rockwell, I was prepared to be the bad guy. I was 100% fucking done with everyone and everything, and my plan was to not make any friends and have everyone hate me and to just accept it.

Then, the complete opposite happens. Everyone was nice to me. 

So then, instead of playing the role of the strong, self reliant monster I was prepared for, I had to rewrite the entire script to suit the new setting.

That's what I've always done. I've always been an anxious and awkward kid, but I adapted to my environment and learned to work properly. In Texas I was the funny kid, in 6th class I was the weird kid and in Rockwell I was the loner kid. I was isolated or hurt otherwise, so I prepared beforehand to avoid the problems. It worked like a charm.

I'm getting off topic now. What I'm getting at is that I wasn't prepared for people to be nice to me, obviously. Because of that, I didn't know what was right or wrong for the situation. I was just placed and tolerated. 

Because I couldn't recognise the problem, I had no fucking clue how to act. So now, I'm here, moving into TY, without any understanding of my environment whatsoever. 

I'm just shy, I guess. I don't tell people that I have anxiety, because it's embarrassing. I can't just say 'hey, I've experienced loss so much and been treated poorly by so many people that I couldn't stand a single year of bullying, and now continue to have anxiety attacks at the slightest mention of loss or failure.'

I slipped up once I'd say. It really haunts me. I was in history class, attempting to study with my assigned group. Someone made a joke on how awkward I am, and I said back 'haha well I do have pretty bad social anxiety'. Then I remembered that I wasn't with my therapist. I'm not very smart.

But moving on, my little 'shy persona' has now made me out to be this innocent angel. During art, someone mentioned going to rev and shaving and all that. Like, shaving everywhere. Then another girl said 'oh don't traumatize Matilda, now'. I didn't really care, but then it became a reoccurring thing.

It's not a big deal, teenagers just say stuff to make themselves more mature and shit. I do the same thing. But like, bitch, if you saw the shit I see and draw, you'd need to redo your confession. I'm two comments away from listing kinks until they catch on, I swear.

It's also because I'm frigid and a virgin, let's not lie. But if anyone has ever taken a single business class, they would know by now that there's both field research and desk research. It's not my fault that I'm ugly, femme and that the lesbian dating pool is the equivalent of a fucking drought. Have I said that before? Probably. 

Not to mention that I look like a rotting corpse at the moment. That really gets to me. I'm not slipping into that headspace.

I said before that 'haha I'm a bottom'. Past me, you dumb whore, no you're not. You're a virgin, dumbass. 

Right, well, I'm moving on from this.

That's all for now.