Chapter 9

"Zeus..."

My heart ached when I saw him aiding to his own wounds by himself. He sighed and placed down the cotton smeared with blood and betadine. Zeus' eyes darkened as he stared at me, before he averted his gaze and set his jaw.

Dahan-dahan akong lumapit sa kaniya. Natatakot akong baka hindi niya magustuhan ang paglapit ko. I studied him and then sighed to myself as well. His lean body is sitting on the cemented bench under the mercy of the Oak tree's shade. Dito siya dumiretso pagkatapos siyang awatin kanina sa loob matapos makipagsuntukan sa matanda.

Without a word, I stood awkwardly in front of him. Then I reached for the cotton and with trembling fingers, let the soft material kiss the cut on his lips.

For a moment, I got lost in the depths of his dark eyes. It's so inviting and helds so many unspoken promises that I cannot tear my gaze away. But then I reminded myself again that I am a Muslimah and I should never stare straight into a man's eyes.

Nahihirapan man ay ibinaba ko ang tingin ko.

"You're touching me..." he commented. "Aren't you gonna get in trouble?"

I bit my lower lips and lowered my gaze. Hindi ako umimik at hindi ko rin tinagpo ang titig niya. I just made sure that I've applied the right amount of betadine to all of his wounds.

"Naia..." may pagbabanta na sa boses nito.

I dropped my hand and placed the cotton back. Then I glanced briefly at him only to meet his fiery eyes.

"You shouldn't have done that," I murmured under my breath, shifting my weight on the balls of my feet.

"What do you want me to do? Just watch him insult you?"

I smiled sadly at him. "Sanay na ako, Zeus. People insult us all the time. I cannot change the way they view us. The least thing I could do is avoid any kind of trouble."

He cursed under his breath and in an angry manner, closed the first aid kit tab and threw the cotton to the bin nearby.

"Well, I hate to say this to you but I won't just stand and do nothing if someone is harassing you. Of all the things I hate, it is a man striking a woman, Naia. Heck, you're even just a little girl."

Binalot na ng matinding guilt ang dibdib ko. Hindi ako umimik ulit. Zeus studied me for a few moments before he angrily lurched away, carrying the first aid kit.

Nang mawala na siya sa paningin ko ay nanghihina akong napaupo sa semento. I stared at my fingers that had come into contact of Zeus' face earlier. It is trembling and aching at my first touch of a man's face except for my father. Mas lalo pa akong binalot ng guilt. I shouldn't feel this way towards him. He's just protecting me the way he'll protect his little sister or any other younger girls.

Biting my lower lips, I gazed at the Cerulean-blue sky, bathing in the glow of sunlight. Underneath my niqab, I could see clearly how beautiful it is and thanked Allah for the wonders of the world.

I silently confined to him about my confusion to the boy who saved me earlier. The mixed emotions that I am feeling towards him is starting to scare me. When a mere attraction becomes a sin to a Muslimah like me, I give birth to a heavy heart. I should cover myself and stay away especially in the presence of a man.

But with him... I just can't.

Mabigat ang loob kong umuwi sa bahay kinahapunan. Kinausap ako at humingi sila ng despensa sa naging trato ng lalaki kanina sa akin. I assured them that I am alright, and I am willing to forgive him even if he didn't bother to show his face and ask for forgiveness after what happened.

Napansin ni Mama-jan ang pagiging matamlay ko. Over our dinner, she eyed me with rueful eyes but she kept her mouth silenced. Baba-jan is the same as usual. He frowned at me disapprovingly when I came home a little late.

Pagkatapos naming magdasal at kumain ay nagtungo ako sa kwarto ko. I put my hair in a bun and plopped down on the bed, ready to read a book when a knock sounded on my door.

I was hunched over my desk after dinner as I hummed to myself. Ever since I was a kid, I loved writing songs. Most of the times, the songs I write are worship songs for Allah. Sometimes, I would write whatever I want and finds myself writing a love song.

My brows are furrowed in concentration. I've known nothing about playing guitars and Allah knows how badly I want to learn to play the instrument. But Baba-jan despises music and doesn't allow me to bring home even a secondhand guitar so I'm left with just song writing and imagining the melody inside of my head.

For a moment, Zeus' face flashed inside of my mind while I am working. The soft curl of his hair, his expressive eyes, and unsmiling lips. The way his lips curl downward when he's pissed or the smug smirk on his face whenever he's at advantage.

Without even knowing about it, the first few sentences of my stanzas are all but to glorify his deep-set eyes. Natigilan ako. The pen slipped out of my hands as I stared at it in shock. Blinking hard, I pulled myself from my chair and paced like a worried cat inside my room.

Sobrang lakas ng tibok ng puso ko. I bit my lower lip. He isn't here but he still drives my heart this crazy. Pumikit ako nang mariin. Pagbuklat ko ng mga mata ko ay tumama ang tingin ko sa repleksiyon ko sa salamin.

I stared at my once straight hair. It had gone wavy for countless times I've twisted my hair in a bun. Mama-jan regularly trims my hair, the soft bounces falling just over my shoulders.

A dull pain flickered at the pit of my chest with the realization that he might never even find me attractive. They say that hair is your crowning glory. But my hijab is my crown. Our religions differentiate our definition of beauty.

With my trembling fingertips, I touched the end of my curls and for a second, allowed myself to fantasize of him seeing me without my hijab. Would he find me beautiful? Would he glorify my hair or my eyes the way I do about him?

Mabilis akong napailing. Silly thoughts, Naia. You shouldn't think about it. It would displease Allah if you distort your thinking and starts imagining things with a Christian boy.

Binalikan ko ang sinusulat. I sighed and then crumpled the paper, threw it on the bin. Then I started writing again. To keep myself safe, I decided to write another worship song for Allah. My devotion to Him is strong that it erased the lingering thoughts of Zeus' hair or his eyes as I lost myself in writing music.

I was in a good mood the morning I woke up. For some reason, I was looking forward to go to school. Pinagpilian ko pang Mabuti ang kulay ng hijab na isusuot ko. I decided to opt for a silk ocean blue hijab I got for my birthday last year, and picked a sling bag with the same color.

My happiness must've radiated throughout the house because Mama-jan smiled at me knowingly at the breakfast table with an announcement that Baba-jan finally has a job.

"Sa minahan magtatrabaho ang Baba mo, Parvana..." she said gently and then turned to my father. He only grunted in agreement as he frowned and sipped on his coffee.

I smiled at my father. Masaya akong nakakita na din siya ng trabaho. Alam kong nahirapan talaga siya. For a while, we all but relied on our family's funds. Nag-aalala na si Mama-jan dahil baka maubusan na kami ng pera. Nauwi sa away ang pagpupumilit niyang magtrabaho. The next morning after their fight, Baba-jan immediately looked for a job. He can't stand the fact that his wife is the one to work. He's to provide our family's needs and he wants to maintain the position of being the family's financial supporter no matter what.

I went back to my room and fixed my lips again. Bahagya nang nawala ang pamamaga ng pisngi ko kaya nakakapagsuot na ulit ako ng hijab. All I have to do is conceal the cut on my lips.

Applying concealer carefully, I stared myself hard on the mirror and smiled to myself. To completely cover the nasty cut, I decided to apply a thin coat of gloss before I went out.

My mind wandered far as I walked my way to our school. Andaming pumapasok sa isipan ko. The foreign feeling of admiring a boy's smile and his eyes. The first time I wrote a song about someone which quickly melted into denial and found its way to the trash bin as an act of self-control.

The school is almost deserted when I got there. Masyado pa naman kasing maaga. The peace and serenity that the morning offered did little to calm my nerves. Hindi ko pa siya napapasalamatan nang maayos sa ginawa niyang pagtatanggol sa akin nung nasa soup kitchen kami. And I don't know how to approach him if I ever bump into him today.

Mabagal ang paglalakad ko, iginagala ang paningin sa lumang mga classroom at kahoy na upuan. The creamy paint had been yellowed over the time and the chipped blackboards held so many stories of students who graduated here before. Napangiti ako habang pinagmamasdan ang lumang mga classroom. It's easy to imagine the earlier batch of students having so much fun in their highschool years. Before when things are simpler. I could imagine a group of friends sitting under the same Mango tree for lunch and hitting the riverbank nearby after school.

Natupad kaya nila ang mga pangarap nila? Are they engineers, doctors, nurses, or accountants now? Some of them my have been. Some may have discovered that they are meant to be artists and now works with their respective studios. While some may have gone astray and become teenage parents.

It continues to fascinates me how an old classroom held so much history. If we could zoom past generations after generations, when this traditional learning environments no longer have value to high-end classrooms, what would the future generation think of us now? Maybe the same way I am thinking about them now.

"Naia!"

Napatalon ako sa biglaang pagkagat sa braso ko. I turned with wide, scared eyes and met Zeus' eyes. I was just writing about his eyes last night and now he's here in front of me. Nang makita niyang parang natakot ako sa kaniya ay mabilis pa sa alas kwatro niyang binitawan ang braso ko.

"Shit... sorry," he cursed.

I blinked at him. A pained expression crossed his face as he dragged a hand throughout his bedroom hair. The dark circle under his eyes told me that he hasn't been sleeping properly these past few days. Zeus' cruel line of jaw tensed as a muscle clenched. He pressed his eyes close, as if trying to gain control of the turmoil inside of him and then open it again. I was staring at him the entire time.

"Are you okay?" he breathed out.

I blinked in confusion. Then I slowly nodded my head. He must be referring to what had happened yesterday.

"I'm sorry about uh... about yesterday." He said and then dropped his gaze. I stepped back from him to keep a safe but important distance between the two of us. Partly because I'm still scared of him, too. The emotions in his eyes are raw and pulsing throughout his body that it's just hard to ignore. But I couldn't handle it either.

"It's okay..." I squeaked. I can't believe I touched his face yesterday. Nakaramdam ako ng matinding pagkapahiya sa sarili. I shouldn't have done that! A woman should know better than to touch a man who is not her brother, husband, or father.

He stared at me intensely. Licking his lower lips, he stepped away from me, creating more distance between the two of us. Natatakot akong nag-angat ng tingin. He shoved both of his hands inside his pockets as he continued to stare at me.

"Takot ka ba sa akin?"

Namilog ang mga mata ko sa gulat. Instead of opening my mouth to speak, I stared at him in incredulity as my heart pounded wildly. No matter how I wreck my brain, I couldn't come up with an answer. And to be honest, I don't want him to hear the answer we both don't want to hear. But I also don't want to lie. Ang katahimikan ko lang at ang matinding kaba sa dibdib ang namayani nang ilang segundo sa pagitan naming dalawa.

"Damn it. You're scared of me..." he gritted his teeth in a controlled anger as he took another step away. Sobra na ang pagkabog ng puso ko. I could only hear the blood ringing in my ears and my heart pounding wildly, begging to be heard. My legs are buckling. I grabbed the rusted metal sill of the windows to ask for support and keep myself standing.

Marahan kong iniling ang ulo ko. It was a futile attempt to convince him otherwise. Zeus chuckled bitterly.

"You're scared of me, Naia. It's written all over your face..." I couldn't miss the hint of underlying anger in his tone. For a moment, I wondered if he's angry with me or if he's angry with himself. I couldn't tell.

"S-Sorry..." I stammered.

He nodded his head stiffly. Narinig ko siyang suminghap nang marahas. I couldn't tell him that I'm not afraid of him because I hate to lie to him. But I don't want him getting angry at my honest response either. Whether he's angry at himself or he's angry at me... I couldn't care less. Ayoko lang na ganito ang nararamdaman niya.

"I'll just see you around," he said coldly and I could only watch helplessly as he adjusted the strap of his backpack and walked past me. Nanigas ako ng ilang segundo at nang makita kong nakatawid na siya sa kabilang building ay doon pa umayos ang paghinga ko.

Why am I feeling this way? I shouldn't feel this way towards him... masyadong masakit sa puso. I clutched my chest tightly and curled my toes to calm myself. How weird. Dapat ko ba talagang maramdaman ang mga bagay na ito sa murang edad? Maybe it's my reaction of having a hot-bloodied male around me. For so long, I've been so careful around the people around me and here comes Zeus with his intense, raw emotions disengaging every bit of what sanity has been left in me.

As I rested my head against the window sill, I caught glimpse of a black hijab crossing the field. My heart leapt to my throat. A Muslimah! Kahit papaano, sa nanginginig na mga labi ay napangiti ako sa nakita. It's my first time seeing her here. Kabatch ko kaya siya? Maybe we could be friends! She'll understand me more...

I watched in fascination as she joked with her male classmates. She feels so easy and carefree around them. I blinked. I would never have the confidence that she carries. And the boys are very respectful around her. They're not touching or crowding her. They kept a safe distance around her all the while joking and teasing her.

Biting my lower lips, I shook my head and dragged myself to our classroom instead.

Zoey's absent today. Mag-isa lang ako at tahimik sa buong klase. I could hear Nazrah bickering at the back. I ignored them, which infuriated her and in return, I got thrown with crumpled scratch papers.

Nang lingunin ko siya ay nagtaas lamang siya ng kilay. I didn't react. Pinulot ko lang ang papel na ibinato niya sa akin at tahimik na itinapon sa basurahan.

"Nasan na yung tapang mo, Parvana?" pagpaparinig niya sa akin. "Ah, matapang ka lang pala kapag nandyan sina Zoey at Zeus 'no? Kawawa ka naman..."

Nagtawanan ang dalawa niyang kasama. Yuri turned to her sharply, her eyes darkening in rising temper.

"Immature ka masyado, Nazrah. Hayaan mo na nga siya..."

I was stunned with how she defended me. Nazrah's face flushed in embarrassment. Tatayo pa sana siya at papatulan si Yuri kung hindi lang pumasok ang panibagong teacher namin. I stared worriedly at Yuri. Baka kasi kung anong gawin ni Nazrah sa kaniya dahil ipinagtanggol niya ako.

Nag-aalangan akong lumabas nung lunchbreak namin. Ayokong makipag-away kay Nazrah. Try as I might to understand her, her negativity and hatred are sometimes draining. Mabuti na yung nilalayuan ko siya para makaiwas na din sa gulo.

To my misfortune, it seems like she has no plans of leaving the classroom. Ipinatong niya ang dalawang paa sa armchair ng desk at pinagmasdan ako, nakataas ang kilay at nginunguya ang bubble gum sa bibig.

I quietly gathered my things and went out of the classroom instead. Nagpalinga-linga ako. I was planning to eat my lunch in the cafeteria but figured it would be packed by now. Kung sa ilalim naman ako ng puno kung saan madalas kumakain sina Zoey at Zeus ay nakakahiya. I'm not even part of their circle. Nasali lang ako doon dahil dinadala ako ni Zoey.

With sagging shoulders, I went to the back of the building where the cemented benches are located. It was long abandoned by students because the grass had been unkept for years and the teachers prohibit us from going there.

Walang tao pagkarating ko roon. I sat on the bench and pulled out my lunchbox. Tahimik akong kumain habang nakikinig sa ingay ng classroom na nasa likuran ko lang. Maaga akong natapos dahil wala naman akong kausap.

I stretched my back and then stared at the sky. I hummed to myself. Despite the heat that my long-sleeved uniform and hijab is causing me, I feel more comfortable here than in the classroom with Nazrah's prying eyes.

I wonder why she hates me? She's my sister in Islam. If anything, we should be friends. But I guess I'd made a bad impression of her already. She doesn't like me and she makes sure that I know of it by doing things that might potentially hurt me.

"And when he calls, he calls for me and not for you..."

I rested my head against the wall and closed my eyes. Napapangiti ako habang naririnig ang boses kong pabulong na kumakanta.

"He lives for love, he loves his drugs..."

My voice faded into whispers when I heard someone clapping. Mabiis kong idinilat ang mga mat ako at nagulat nang makita ang mga matang kagabi ko pa iniisip. Parehong madilim at nangungusap na mga mata. But the owner of the face is different.

"I didn't know you can sing..."

"Levi... ah, ikaw pala..." alinlangang ngiti ang ibinigay ko sa kaniya. I didn't even notice his presence until he made it known.

Itinuro niya ang upuan sa harapan ko. "Can I sit?"

"Of course." I chirped.

I watched dust the bench before he occupied the seat and crossed his legs. I seem comfortable with him around. Maybe because his features are softer and he's more approachable than his older brother. The raw, intense emotions cannot be found in his eyes, however much it looked just like Zeus' orbs. Magkaibang-magkaiba sila.

"You should join singing contests..." suhestiyon niya at inilabas ang kaniyang cellphone.

I'm inwardly grateful that his eyes got something to get busied to instead of just looking at my face. Levi is half-interested with me but I'm glad that I have company this afternoon.

"I can't."

"Bakit?"

"Nahihiya ako..."

He chuckled. "Buti ka pa marunong mahiya. Ang kuya ko..." he shook his head dramatically and then held his phone with both hands, while waiting for the game to load. "Walang hiya yun."

Tumawa ako nang mahina sa sinabi niya. The smile lingered on his lips at my reaction.

"Ba't ka nandito?" usisa ko sa kaniya. "Sabay kang kumain ng lunch kasama ang kuya mo diba?"

"I'm sick of their faces..." he grumbled. "Dito muna ako. Ayos lang ba?"

"Of course, Levi." I grinned at him and then leaned again.

"Can you sing again?"

"Huh?"

"Sing again. I promise I'll just listen." He said.

Nag-aalangan ako. Nang mamatay ang avatar niya ay marahan siyang nagmura at nag-angat ng tingin sa akin. I stiffened on my seat and then nodded my head.

"Makikinig ka lang?"

"Yeah..." he said. "You've got great voice."

"Sige..."

Thrilled with the thought of him as my first audience, I started to relax again as my tapped my feet rhythmically on the ground and played the melody inside of my head.

"My baby lives in shades of blue... blue eyes and jazz and attitude... he lives in California too... he drives Chevy Malibu."

Tahimik lang si Levi at mukhang concentrated pa sa kaniyang ginagawa. Slowly, I could feel my confidence blooming inside of my chest when I saw the touch of delight crossing his face.

"And when he calls, he calls for me, and not for you... he lieves for love, he loves his drugs, he loves his baby too..."

Itinigil na ni Levi ang paglalaro at ibinuhos sa akin ang buong atensiyon niya. My heart leapt to my throat, but not as intense as when his brother is around. He just stared at me seriously.

But I can't fix him

Can't make him better

And I can't do nothing about

His strange weather

I sucked in a deep breath and paused before I sang the chorus of the song, struggling to hit the higher notes.

But you

Are unfixable

I can't break through your world

'Cause you

Lives in shades of cool

Your heart is unbreakable

Isang maliit na ngiti ang sumilay sa mga labi ni Levi. He set his phone aside and listened as I sang the rest of the song. The approval in his eyes brings so much delight to my heart, validating my skills and all of my secret hard work throughout the years.

"Your heart is unbreakable...."

He pulled himself from his seat and then clapped loudly. I laughed.

"I told you to sing me a song, but you gave me a solo concert..."

My cheeks flushed at his compliment. "Hindi naman..."

He grinned and then sat down again. "Ate Naia, you're really gifted. Do you take singing lessons?"

Umiling ako.

"Really?"

I tugged the white cuff of my blouse and then smiled at him when I remembered something. Lakas-loob akong nagtanong sa kaniya.

"Si Zeus ba... nag-aaral ding kumanta?"

He nodded. "Yeah... Dad enrolled him in music class when he was still a little. Dad sings and plays the piano, too. Kaming dalawa lang ni mommy ang hindi mahilig sa musika sa pamilya namin."

"Really?" I smiled at the image of his tall, handsome father singing with little Zeus. Both of them must've looked adorable. It must made his mother really happy, watching the two of them singing.

We talked some more until the bell rang, indicating that our lunch break is over. Nagpaalam ako kay Levi at bumalik na sa classroom namin. I smiled when I saw Zoey for our afternoon class. Nilapitan ko siya at nginitian.

"Ba't ka absent kanina?"

Ngumuso siya at suminghot. She blew her nose on the tissue first before answering. "I have a stupid cold. Buti nalang nahimashimasan na ako..." she stared at me when I took my seat. "San ka galing?"

"Sa labas lang..."

She nodded her head and buried her face on the desk, claiming that her head hurts so bad. Hinayaan ko nalang muna siya at naghintay sa pagpasok ng panibago naming guro.

Matamlay si Zoey sa buong klase at hindi ako sanay doon. I insisted on walking her home but she's rejected my offer a couple of times. Sighing loudly, I offered to take her to Zeus instead.

"Bakit mo naman ako dadalhin sa kaniya?"

"He cares about you, right? I'm sure he'll be glad to take you home. Ayoko lang na umuwi kang mag-isa ngayong masama ang pakiramdam mo..."

Ngumuso siya at pinag-isipan ang alok ko bago siya dahan-dahang tumango. I smiled at her and carried her bag as we crossed the field towards the Grade 12 department building.

"Lumabas na si Zeus..." bungad kaagad sa amin ni Wenceslao nang makita niya kamin. "Kanina pa..."

Zoey rolled her eyes. "Wala na pala eh. Sige na, Parvana... kaya ko namang umuwi—"

"Ayun pala oh!"

Pareho kaming napalingon nang makita si Zeus na naglalakad patungo sa likod ng building. I thanked him and tugged Zoey's arms gently.

"Tara..."

She hesitated then nodded her head. Sinundan namin kung saan nawala sa paningin namin si Zeus. Unang nakita ko ay ang nakatalikod na bulto ng isang babaeng mukhang di taga-school namin dahil iba ang uniporme niya. I stared at her then my gaze towards Zeus who crossed his arm in front of her, glowering.

Zoey was about to open her mouth when the girl planted both of her hands on his chest and tip-toed to reach his mouth for a kiss. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko sa gulat. Pati si Zoey ay napanganga din.

Bago pa siya mag-ingay ay hinila ko na siya palayo doon. My heart is pumping so badly and with every beat, the pain reverberated throughout my body. I bit my lower lips as I walked faster towards the gate.

"Parvana...?"

"A-Ako nalang ang maghahatid sa iyo..." wika ko pero pumiyok na ang boses ko. Ibinaba ko ang tingin ko sa matinding kahihiyan.

The image of Zeus kissing the other girl played inside my mind again and a fresh wave of pain overwhelmed my entire body. My knees are buckling. Pinilit kong pakalmahin ang sarili pero huli na nang maramdaman ko ang mainit na pagdaloy ng mga luha sa mata ko.