Chapter 6

They say religion is created to separate people.

It is an illusion that creates division amongst individuals. They say religion is one of the things that causes blindness to people and it is just a façade of something so divine that will never materialize into a solid, breathing being, despite the many testimonies of people who have 'seen' God.

But for me, religion creates harmony. Even though I was born a Muslim and grew up being one, I never once thought that my being a Muslimah is willed by my parent's choice and heritage. I serve Allah because I want to. I do not conform to this religion but I am pleasured to be a part of it. Schooled by the inkling that life must be lived with utmost respect and harmony, I became who I am today.

Not all parents would give their child a freedom to choose their own religion or to not even have one. I couldn't say I am one of those children. They started wrapping me in scarfs and hijabs when I hit my puberty and my Mama-jan started tagging me along in harem when we were still in Aceh.

But if I were to have a child, I would be glad to let him choose what to believe. If an individual's liberty means choosing different religions that will separate him from his family, his heritage, then it would be just to give birth to another life even though it would earn disapproval from many people.

Nang tumama ang sinag ng araw sa kahoy na sahig ay saglit kong pinagmasdan ang sayaw ng ilaw at anino. The shadow and the light did an enormous job in entertaining me with their graceful steps before they faded into thin air as the sun sank deeper beyond the horizon.

I got up from the four-poster bed and looked around. I never thought I'd be able to come back here as an adult woman. Faint memories of being in this room involves a bandage around my bleeding head and a heavy heart after how the townspeople treated us back then.

Noon ay kasama ko pa si Mama Normillah nang magpunta ako dito. Ngayon ay ako nalang mag-isa.

Sighing to myself, I adjusted the shawl wrapped gently around my neck and stepped out of the room. Just like what a house should be, it smelled lovingly of vanilla and bread. The wind carried the laughter from the kitchen towards the living room until it reached me by the doorway.

For a moment, I hesitated if I should join the family. Zeus had been away for a long time and I could see the raw excitement in Tita Belle's face when she saw her son after months of enduring.

"Parvana!"

I jumped on my skin when she suddenly stepped out of kitchen, the miscellanies of smile still lingering at her unpainted lips.

"Gising ka na pala. Come and join us."

I nodded and stared at her. She aged gracefully, I must say. She has the face of a woman who never have to dealt with stress in her life or if there's any, she has a good way of dealing it. Despite the lines around her eyes and upper mouth that made her look friendlier instead of older, she was able to maintain her body. The heels added to her height and the pearls resting comfortably on her slender neck made her look elegant despite the absence of makeup on her face.

Tumango ako at nahihiyang sumunod sa kaniya sa kusina. The moment I stepped into their cozy kitchen, I was relieved to see only familiar faces circling around the table. Alas Ferrer and his good friend, Julius. Krista, as introduced as their family friend, and Zeus, sipping coffee and leaning against the kitchen counter with nothing but a drawstring grey sweatpants on.

"Mornin'..." he murmured lazily, setting down his mug.

I blushed and struggled to nod properly. "M-Morning..."

I saw him smirked at the corner of my eyes as I was ushered to sit by Krista. She smiled at me.

"Wow. Long time no see. Last time you were here, you are still a child!"

"You're part of the Cartwheel Foundation, Parvana?" Alas Ferrer queried, watching me intently over his cup of coffee as well.

"Yes, Sir."

"Tito, please." He dismissed, setting down his cup and sitting comfortably on his chair. "Chairman Fresco is a good friend of mine. I'm surprised to hear the news from Zeus himself. But he did mention that he's traveling with some of the most dedicated and talented teachers right now."

Ngiti lang ang naisagot ko sa kaniya. Chairman Fresco is bubbly and the kind of person you'd want to stick with if you want to have a stress-free day. He always has the need to find the good parts of even the evilest person there is around and believes in him. While some may take advantage of his kindness, he still believes in humanity and in the world for one day to change for the better. Hence, the establishment of foundation.

If anyone noticed that I took off my hijab, no one made comments about it. They treated me normally and rather warmly, sharing jokes at the breakfast table while Tita Belle and Krista set down omelettes, bread rolls, scrambled eggs, and bacon.

Napalingon ako nang marinig ang mahihinang kaluskos na nagmumula sa sink. Zeus has his back turned to us as he washed his own mug. The thin film of sweat trailing through the muscles of his back and disappearing at the band of his pants told me that he'd gotten up early for a morning jog, just like what he always does with his father when he was still in his younger years.

The breakfast was delightful, as it was spent with good people and good food. Nakaupo sa tapat ko si Zeus. Katabi niya si Julius habang ako naman ay katabi si Krista at sa kanang bahagi ay si Tita Belle.

Every time I lift my gaze towards his direction, I would find him staring intently at me, watching me over his fork hanging mid-air or boring his eyes at me as he gulped some water from the glass.

Kung naiilang man ako ay pinatay ko na ito at ibinaon sa isipan ko.

After breakfast, the couple remained seated and seemed to be discussing serious matters. Nagpaalam si Krista na kailangan na niyang umuwi habang si Julius naman ay binalikan ang trabahong iniwan sa site.

I excused myself to my room. Having been deprived of proper sleep last night, I decided to rest again. My burning eyes instantly closed as soon as I hit the pillows. Before I knew it, I was dozing to sleep.

Nang magising ako sa pangalawang beses ngayong araw, sobrang tahimik na ng paligid. Kinusot ko ang bahagyang nanghahapdi na mga mata at nagpalinga-linga. I sighed and then got up from my bed. I changed into a long skirt and one of the rare pieces of silk blouses that I owned.

I went to their flower-strewn balcony, staring at the waters ahead. Umihip ulit ang malamig na hangin. I wrapped the shawl around me tighter when I felt someone stepping in next to me.

When I turned, I saw Zeus.

"Want to go out?"

Itinagilid ko ang ulo at tinitigan siya. The way the sun shined on his eyes made me think of someone ethereal, whose beauty will never fade and will only improve at the glory of light. Nahuhulog ang iilang hibla ng buhok niya sa mamasa-masang noo. Nang pasadahan niya ng dila ang kaniyang pang-ibabang labi ay pati ito'y kuminang na rin sa liwanag.

"Go out?"

"Yeah. Watch movies, visit the beaches, do normal stuff..."

Natawa ako sa sinabi niya. "How can we do normal stuff when you're practically a celebrity? Dudumugin ka ng mga tao sa oras na makita ka nila sa labas."

Saglit niya akong tiningnan. Tamad na isinandal ang ulo sa poste ng balkonahe at patuloy na nag-isip.

"Hmm. Let's forget about the movies. Road trip?"

"Don't you want to stay with your parents?"

"I'm trying to make up the time I've lost you." He reached for my hand and then tugged it gently. My pulse leapt and I froze. He was quick to catch the flash of fear on my eyes when he dropped his gaze to my inner wrist. A grim look fell on his face.

"Parvana..."

Mabilis kong inagaw ang kamay mula sa kaniya. I wet my lower lips and nodded repeatedly.

"F-Fine. Let's go out."

Bago pa man siya makasagot ay nakababa na ako at naglalakad patungo sa gate. I could hear the blood pumping in my ears. I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself to no avail.

Ipinikit ko nang mariin ang mga mata. He must be confused right now. So am I. How can I do this to myself, when I am one of the religious believers that life of every creature, every being, is sacred?

For a moment, I was thrown back in that empty room. I thrashed wildly around for the first time. When the pain is that deep that it started to scrape on my bones, one will start romanticizing death as an escape. I never thought of myself as someone who would slice into her skin but all the pain I've bottled up for years, all the sorrow, and the loneliness, I just want to let it all out.

I only did it once, but the ugly scar that it left on my skin is unmistakable. The white jagged lines told unknown stories of my pain. How can I be a victim of tragedy at such a young age? How can I be a successor of failure when I tried so hard to live my life according to the will? How can fate be this cruel to me?

Tumigil lang ako sa mabilis na paglalakad nang marating ko na ang gate. Humigit ako ng isang malalim na hininga at naglakas-loob na lingunin siya. His eyes are dark, like a storm brewing in before it hits, or the blood boiling before it splashes. The underlying danger is unambiguous that it made my knees tremble, if not for my hand reaching for the nearby post.

Hindi umimik si Zeus. Tahimik niya akong nilagpasan at binuksan ang pinto ng kaniyang kotse. I bit my lower lips, convinced that I just ruined the mood. I've been wearing long-sleeved shirts since the day of our reconciliation. The first time I wore a silk blouse with long billowing skirt, I was so engrossed by the sight of it that I forgot I have an ugly scar to hide.

Hindi biro ang sampung taon. Sobrang daming nangyari. There are days when I thought that was the end of it, and days when I was so grateful to be alive. My shifting moods from pale happiness to dark loneliness are both a blessing and a curse. I jumped from day to day, with sheer determination that if I had the temerity to take my own life, I shall dedicate it instead to those who need it. The children from remote places who deserve a teacher that will introduce what the world beyond the villages, the forest, and the unknown sea looks like.

Nang pumasok nang tuluyan si Zeus sa sasakyan ay ilang segundo ko ding pinatahimik ang ingay na likha ng utak ko bago ako sumunod. Tahimik pa din siya habang may inaabot sa backseat. I buckled my own seatbelt while he put on his shirt. Then he honked twice before pulling out of the gate and then swerving towards the coastal roads of Governor Generoso.

I didn't dare ask where we were going. Much as I tried to relax in my seat, I could feel the tension radiating from him. Clearly, he'd been angered by the sight of the scar but knows how to draw respect and didn't ask for more when it was clear that I don't want to talk about it. For now.

There are so many things that I don't want to talk about. My nerves are jumped inside of my head and my tongue suddenly lost its function. I remained unmoving, unspeaking, inside the car as we drove past beaches, small villages, and a range of hills.

I wonder if he's going to take me to his favorite place here in Governor Generoso? I thought as I glanced at him, studying his side profile. Dahil ang sinag ng liwanag ay lumulusot sa bintana niya at humihimlay sa bandang kanan, kalahati ng mukha ni Zeus ay nilukop ng anino.

His eyes are alluring, but this afternoon, the dark orbs are surrounded by red veins indicating his lack of sleep and too much caffeine in his system. Two thick stretch of brows resembles fury and the narrow bridge of his nose and prominent cheekbones are still standing arrogant.

The soft cotton shirt looks so helpless in his bulky statue. Dragging my gaze away, I tried to get hold of myself silently worshipping him. I bite my lower lips. If I'm cruising through dangerous waters, being this near to him, I wouldn't know for now. But somehow, being in the car and sitting next to him feels just right. The reconciliation is something I've been looking forward to.

When the car pulled into a curb, I glanced at him. Marahas niyang tinanggal ang seatbelt at hindi man lang ako nilingon nang lumabas siya. I sighed and followed him outside. We were parked near a cliff, where white railings separated the roads from the raging waters below.

I stared at the sea as the wind blew. Zeus shoved his hands at the deep pockets of his sweatpants and gazed ahead as well. Alam kong naghihintay lang siya sa akin na sabihin iyon sa kaniya.

"Do you mind?"

He turned to me with a neutral expression on his feet. I shifted uncomfortably on my feet and then stole a quick gaze at the ocean below.

"Ayoko pa munang... pag-usapan..."

He planted his rough hand at the back of his neck, before his tongue stabbed his cheeks. Staring intently at me, he nodded slowly.

"You've never talked to anyone about this?"

Umiling ako. "It's not something you should worry about."

Mukhang mas lalo ko pa ata siyang ginalit sa sinabi ko. Naningkit ang mga mata niyang tinitigan ako. His lips went into a grim, thin line.

"Hindi ko alam kung sino ang hindi mag-aalala matapos makita yun sa balat mo, Naia. Kung meron man, potangina niya. Alam mong hindi ako yun."

Humawak ako sa railings at hindi umimik. I heard him sigh.

"I could be an asshole, sometimes, I know. But you know too well that I care about you. If my feelings for you are to be blamed," he shrugged and then turned towards the ocean, tracing my gaze. The wind whipped and played with his hair. "Then so be it."

"Still... I don't want to talk about it right now."

"Fine. But one of these days, we'll sit down and talk about your problem. Ayokong may kinikimkim ka."

"I will, Zeus."

"Come here..."

Nilingon ko siya at napanguso. Nakataas na ang isa niyang kamay. Nag-aalangan pa ako kaya nanatili lang akong nakatayo sa posisyon ko.

"Bakit?"

Bumuntong-hininga si Zeus at ibinagsak ang kamay. When I made no move to go to him, he took a step closer instead and then pulled me into a hug. Nagulat ako. Nang tumama ang mukha ko sa matigas niyang dibdib, nanigas ako sa kinatatayuan. He smelled so much of manly sweat mixed faintly with his perfume and for some reason, he smelled so alluring. Like a man who's set to seduce a woman. Maybe he really is seducing me... and it's working.

I pressed my eyes closed when I felt his lips brushing at the crown of my head. Hanggang balikat niya lang ang inabot ng tangkad ko, kaya madali sa kaniyang ipatong ang baba niya sa tuktok ng ulo ko at amuy-amuyin ang buhok ko.

He buried his fingers into my hair and then sighed. Unti-unti ay itinaas ko na din ang mga kamay ko. I wounded my arms around his hard torso and then started to relax. For years that I had fantasize for his hug, I thought my heart would be pounding and my mind roaring. I thought I wouldn't be able to relax and be just a messy ball of self-conscious and anxiety. But right now... para akong inuugoy ng yakap niya, ng bango niya, ng mga labi niya. I could stand here all day, under the sun, above the waters, just hugging him.

Natagpuan ko nalang ang sariling inaakay niya pabalik sa kotse. Ngunit imbes na buksan ang pinto ng sasakyan, iginiya niya ako palayo. Before I could spoke a bluster of protest, Zeus had already lifted me from the ground and settled me like a child on the hood of the car.

My mouth fell open. He didn't give me much time to gripe him, as he opened the driver's door and snatched something. Half of his body disappeared inside the car. Like an impatient child waiting for her mother to finish the groceries, I sat and wait. When he appeared again, he's already holding a bottle of gin and tonic.

I lifted a brow. First there was a shirt, and then now alcohol. Surely, his car is a chest full of treasures. Pahapyaw na ngisi lang ang iginawad sa akin ni Zeus nang maglakad siya pabalik. Inilagay niya ang bote sa pagitan naming dalawa bago niya ako tinabihan. The car groaned in protest and the metals creaked. For a moment, I was scared that he'll destroy the car with his heavy weight. But when it went silent again, I tried to relax.

"Baka masira natin 'to?" I looked around with worry etched on my face.

I could hear him opening the bottle of liquor. Then a low chuckle vibrated on his throat.

"Believe me, habibti. If there's one thing I wanted to destroy with you... it would be my bed."

I turned to him, my cheeks flaming red. I raised my fist to his chest but before it could connect to his shirt, he caught my grip. Ngisi ang isinagot niya at tamad na tinungga ang inumin. I tried to yank my hand away but he is too strong.

"Bitawan mo nga ako..." parang bata kong usal.

"Hmm?"

"Bitawan mo ako."

"Ayoko nga." In one swift move, his hand from my wrist glided to my fingers and then tightly clasped our hands together. Napatingin ako sa magkahawak naming mga kamay. How small my hands appeared compared to his. The differences of our skin color. The veins in his hands and the small blue veins on mine, as well. But his skin is clear, without any trace of flaws while I sported some death lines. Napalunok ako at nag-iwas ng tingin.

"See?" itinaas niya pa ang magkahawak naming mga kamay. Kahit anong yakag ko pabalik ay hindi ko talaga makuha ang kamay ko mula sa kaniya. "It's better this way, Naia."

Napailing nalang ako. tinakasan na din ako ng lakas kung kaya't hinayaan ko siyang hawakan nang hawakan ang kamay ko. The unspoken fear between the two of us hung heavily on the air. I know he's holding me tight right now because he's afraid that I might disappear again.

Last night, I found him visiting my room. Shocked at the sudden holy presence of Zeus, I questioned him. He said he just wanted to make sure that I'm still here and I've no plans of running away again. The words stabbed my chest. I assured him that I'm going to be okay and send him away before tears could spring to my eyes. When he left, I shed the tears and tried to sleep again helplessly.

When Zeus moved, my thoughts snapped and disappeared into thin air. I turned to him and watched the wave of his adams apple as he took a swig of his gin. He glanced at me sideways, raising a brow in question. Umiling ako at tipid na ngumiti.

Napaigtad ako nang maramdaman ang kamay niya sa balikat ko. I turned to see his fingers, gripping the bare skin of my arms tightly, and then pulling me closer to him. Nang balingan ko siya, ang kaniyang tingin ay nanatili sa malayo.

I scooted closer to him. The warm scent of the sea and his mixing together is a delightful smell. Inipit ni Zeus ang bote sa pagitan ng kaniyang mga hita at ginamit ang isang kamay upang suklayin ang nagrerebeldeng hibla ng buhok na sumasagabal sa paningin niya.

"You always appeared in my dreams, Naia... for years." He started.

"Hmm?"

"My father once said that he'd often dreamt of my mother when they were separated." A bitter smile took place on his lips. "The same thing happened to me."

"Well, what did you dream about me?"

"I really can't remember." He shrugged. "But I was so sure that it was you... and each time you appear in that black and white scenery, you're always dressed in white."

"Dressed in white?"

"Yes. You. Dressed in white."

Sumilay ang isang matamlay na ngiti sa mga labi ko. "Maganda din ba ako sa mga panaginip mo?"

Zeus' shoulders vibrated in low chuckle. "Yes. Very."

I didn't borrow courage from the alcohol on his lap, but I managed to leaned closer and rest my head on his broad shoulders. His entire body tensed, for a moment, with my sudden motion, but then he relaxed afterwards. A small smile tugged on my lips as I closed my eyes and started swinging my feet back and forth.

"Cause you're a sky, cause you're a sky full of stars..."

I thought he was murmuring something. My eyebrows knitted in concentration, trying to comprehend what he was saying before I realize that he was singing softly based on the soft rise and fall of his voice, the change of tone, and the raspy edge I'm hearing again.

"I'm gonna give you my heart, cause you're a sky, cause you're a sky full of stars, cause you light up the path..."

Napangiti ako. I recognized the song very well. I first heard it a couple of years ago when Coldplay released it and even though it was one of my least favorite songs from them, now that Zeus is singing it, it made my heart swell. There was gentleness in his voice, as if he's whispering to a baby and lulling him to sleep.

"And I don't care, go on and tear me apart. I don't care if you do, cause in a sky, cause in a sky full of stars, I think I saw you..."

There was a pause. Holding the neck of the bottle between his thumb and pointing finger, he took a nip of his drink. Fascinated by the bobbing motion of his throat, I wonder if the burning sensation caused by liquors is just the same as I've read it in the novels.

Nang mapansin ni Zeus na masyado akong nakatitig sa bote ng alak, inilapit niya ito sa akin at inihinto ang pagbulong sa kanta.

"Gusto mo?"

Bahagya akong umiling. "I've never had a drink before."

"You don't know how it tastes like?"

Nahihiya akong umiling.

He stared at me, and then placed the bottle aside. My heart swelled again, when I saw what he was about to do, and how helpless I am if he decides to do it right here, and right now.

Planting his fingers at the back of my neck earned a soft gasp from me. Zeus took advantage of the opening of my mouth to crash his lips with mine. My eyes widened as his hungry mouth took over mine. He tilted my head and demanded entrance. He was hot, moist, and aggressive. I could now taste the gin in my mouth.

When he flicked his tongue over my lips, I struggled to maintain power but the gentle biting of my lower lips got me. I was trying to gasp for air but he quickly filled it with his mouth. The taste of him and the alcohol burning inside of me was all I could think about. The way he explored my mouth as if he's searching for something, and the soft caressing on my arm had all my hairs in my body saluting and responding to his touch and kisses.

The sensation is foreign but my body responded to it as if I was waiting for this my entire life. Like a flower blooming in the spring or a creature cracking the egg for the first time and coming into life, something inside of me exploded. My mind went blank and the greed for him that I didn't know existed tugged on me. I was never touched by a man before and had no idea that it can drive me insane. That Zeus can drive me this insane.

Para na akong maliliyo sa mga halik niya. Every time he pulls back, my own mouth would chase after him. And every time I deprive him of access, he became more greedy in search for more. If not for the need of air, I don't think he'd be letting me go anytime this moment. I opened my eyes and gasped when we finally pulled apart. Mas malakas pa ang kabog ng dibdib ko kesa sa maya't mayang paghampas ng alon sa talampas.

I licked my lower lips, bruised and swollen from the way he took me earlier. He leaned closer again and started rewarding my jaw with butterfly kisses.

"W-What are you doing..." I almost choked on my own words.

He chuckled darkly, his thumb tracing the stretch of my lips and then pressing his lightly against mine.

"Letting you know what gin tastes like..." he whispered in a husky voice.