Chapter 25

Ilang beses ko na siyang nahuli na tinutugtog ang kaniyang gitara sa kalagitnaan ng gabi. I would lay still on the bed, listening to his music. I wouldn't dare get up and let my presence be known to him. Talagang nakikinig lang ako. I could hear the anger, the frustration, the sadness the way he harshly plucked on the strings. After a while, the strumming of the guitar would stop and it would be followed by a series of curses... Then I'd hear something breaking and I don't know why. However much I wanted to comfort him, I sheltered myself inside my room and pretended as if I didn't care.

"We'll go to Sulu as soon as possible. I'm afraid, Parvana, that we couldn't wait for your father to get out..." ani Malik. Nakatayo siya ngayon at nakaharap sa dagat. Bahagyang nakakunot ang noo niya.

I nodded. Naiintindihan ko naman. The other day, some of the angry townspeople raided this house and demanded for us. May ilang nagbabanta na susunugin din nila ang bahay ng mga Ferrer kapag hindi kami umalis sa lugar na ito. If it weren't for Zeus' father who called the police, they wouldn't leave us alone.

Ayoko nang makapangdamay pa ng iba.

"I'll continue trying to negotiate with the victim's family after I send you to Sulu. Doon na muna kayo mananatili."

"Will my father be okay?" napapaos kong tanong kay Malik.

My father may be a bit punitive and crass. Sometimes, he is unforgiving. But he is still my father and I loved him so dearly. He loved me too, in his own way. He made sure that I am secured and wed to someone who can sustain my needs while I was growing up. He knew things like these are bound to happen, and he wants his daughter to be protected in times when he couldn't do it by himself.

I have come to appreciate his unconditional love for me recently. For years, I am confused of my father's brutal actions. But like the existence of air, I've come to know how much he means to me when he is silently and slowly fading. I realized that I couldn't live without my Baba, and I will fight for his freedom, whatever way I can. Hindi siya nararapat na mabulok sa kulungan para sa kasalanang hindi naman niya ginawa.

"I'll make sure that your father will be okay." He sighed and rubbed his temples. I lay a hand at him and smile ruefully.

"I'm sorry for all the troubles we've caused you, Malik." Mahina kong wika. "Nagsisisi ka na siguro na pinakasalan mo ako..." nagawa ko pang magbiro.

Malik smiled and teased me, too. "Yeah. I'm filled with regrets right now. Don't you think I should've run away with the serf's daughter and let you have Zeus instead?"

Nawala ang pilyang ngiti sa mukha ko dahil sa sinabi niya. Nagkatinginan kaming dalawa ni Malik. This is the first time he'd joked about Zeus and it is quite uncomfortable. Tumikhim siya.

"I'm sorry. That was out of the line..."

"It's okay." I said awkwardly and shifted the weight at the balls of my feet.

"When you're in Sulu, I'll make sure that you are well taken care of. Datu Kiram will make sure that you feel the most comfortable as well. After all, you're my first wife..." he muttered.

"Hmm. I'm looking forward for a new hijab though..." I teased again, but gone is the playful voice from earlier now that Zeus is swarming my thoughts upon the mere mention of his name.

"And lots of jewels, too." He nodded in agreement. "Parvana, I may not like you the way Zeus likes you or the way my father would expect me to like you... but I know that you are precious and that you should be taken care of properly. Someone with a heart as pure as yours must be protected from this cruel world. You should be showered with love and affection, and live the rest of your life comfortably. No one has the right to hurt you. And one is meant to protect you. Nga lang, hindi ako ang lalaking makakagawa nun sa iyo."

I nodded. "I like you too, Malik, as a friend. I would look up to you, for the rest of my life, for the generosity that you've shown to our family. You are a precious friend to me. Allah has given me a kind-hearted man like you. Maybe we're not meant to be husband and wife, but I will forever treasure you."

Hinila ako ni Malik at niyakap. Natawa ako. I hugged him back too and started to relax. Nang kumalas na siya ng yakap sa akin ay ipinatong niya ang dalawang kamay sa lamesang kahoy at tinanaw ulit ang dagat sa di kalayuan.

"Paano si Zeus?"

"Huh?"

Malik cleared his throat. He is clearly embarrassed to talk about it, but he shifted on his weight and glanced at me again. With cautious eyes, he spoke his question again.

"Paano siya?"

A thin smile touched my lips. "Well... right now, Zeus and I aren't possible. Maybe even ten years from now, we'll still not possible. But best I could do right now is to let him go. When you love people, Malik, you're willing to put a safe distance between the two of you just to keep them from harm."

"You're agreeing to go to Sulu with me because you don't want him to get involved anymore?"

I shrugged. "Maybe it's one of the reasons. They've done so much for me. Zeus and his family. Ayoko nang madamay pa sila at magkagulo pa lalo dito. They don't deserve it. Ayoko na ring makitang umiiyak ang Mama-jan ko. Gusto kong magpakalayo-layo na muna. Our faith has taught us that love is the greatest of all. It can be rewritten generations after generations. It can wait... maybe years, decades, centuries... maybe we'll meet again in our next lives. When we're both free and we're both ready for each other. But right now..." mapait akong napailing. "Hindi talaga pwede."

Malik nodded. "I understand."

I took in a deep breath, feeling my lungs with the salty, moist air coming from the sea. I would miss this view. I would miss how the waves lapped at the shore. The morning mist and the chirping of the birds. The little seaside town and the local people back when they treated us as humans like them. I would surely miss it.

Nang makaalis na si Malik ay bumalik ako sa loob ng bahay. Gusto ko sanang kausapin si Mama-jan nang biglang may dumamba sa likuran ko. A scream tore from my throat before Zoey's sweet scent attacked my nostrils.

"Parvana!!" she cried. When I turned to her, she's already sobbing. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko sa gulat. Nilingon ko ang gate at nakitang bukas na ito. Wala siyang kasama. Ang inaasahan kong SUV at driver ay wala rin sa labas na naghihintay para sa kaniya.

"I'm sorry..." she sobbed more. Hinigpitan niya ang yakap sa akin. Kung hindi lang ako nakakapit sa likuran ng sofa ay malamang natumba na kaming dalawa. "I just found out what happened and I am terribly sorry. Hindi ko alam..."

"Ssh... ayos lang, Zoey." I smiled kindly at her. She looks very guilty and I felt guilty about it, too. Hindi niya kailangang malungkot nang ganito nang dahil lang sa akin.

"I should've known that those fuckers attacked your house. Ipapakulong ko silang lahat!" dumagundong ang boses niya sa loob ng bahay.

"Ayos lang talaga, Zoey. Maayos na ang lagay naming dalawa ni Mama-jan."

She wiped her tears and started relaxing. Hinagod ko ang likod niya.

"Where's Zeus?"

"Nasa kwarto niya ata."

"When I heard the news, I begged my parents to bring me back here in Governor Generoso. Nagpunta kami ng Davao noong mangyari iyon para sa importanteng bagay. Ngayon lang kami nakabalik."

I nodded in understanding. "Thank you for coming back for me."

"Parvana..." more tears welled at her eyes. "I can't imagine what they did to you. They're... they're literally monsters!"

"It's okay. I've included them in my prayers, Zoey. I prayed that Allah would enlighten their minds and free their hearts of hatred. Napatawad ko na sila."

Imbes na matuwa ay lalo pa atang napaiyak si Zoey sa sinabi ko. Bahagya na akong nataranta. Did it come out so bad? Sinabi ko lang naman ang totoo kong ginawa.

"I sometimes h-hate how... how nice you are..." she said between sobs. "While I am cursing their deaths, you're praying for them. God. You can pass as a saint, Parvana!"

Natawa ako sa sinabi niya. "An unforgiving life is a hard life to live, Zoey." Marahan kong pinisil ang kaniyang braso. "Tandaan mo yan."

But my kindness is not my weakness. Even though I've forgiven them, I still believe that what they did to Baba is unreasonable. And I will cry for justice. Even if it's still not served today, I have forgiven them. Gusto kong ibaon nalang sa limot ang lahat.

Ilang minuto ko pang pinakalma si Zoey. I keep on assuring her that I am okay and that I will be fine. Parang bata siyang kumapit sa akin. Kumalat ang hapdi sa dibdib ko nang mapagtantong pati siya, mami-miss ko nang husto kapag umalis na kami.

A few days before our departure, Mama-jan talked to the Ferrer couple. Pati rin ako. Humingi kaming dalawa ng tawad para sa mga naidulot naming mga problema sa kanila at pasasalamat sa lahat ng ginawa nila para sa amin. Malik really wanted to give them something in return, but they keep on rejecting the offer. Ang sabi nila'y kontento na daw silang makita na ayos na ang lagay naming dalawa ni Mama-jan.

Gusto ko mang maayos na makapagpaalam kay Zeus, mukhang iniiwasan niya naman ako. Si Levi lang palagi ang nakakausap ko. And according to him, his brother is readying his stuff to go back to Davao. Bahagya akong natuwa sa narinig. At least he's going back to continue his studies. But the other part of my heart, a small part of it, is aching in agony. I am aching with the thought that he must've hated me by now and would go without saying a word to me. Baka akalain niyang nandito pa rin ako at naghihintay sa pagbalik niya. I don't want us to part without him knowing that he really means so much to me. Ayoko nang ganun...

As more days passed, I became more and more anxious. And a stroke of misfortune decided to hit on the Ferrer family when the house was awakened with the blaring scream of the housemaid one night.

Levi is coughing up blood again. More blood than usual. I saw how Tita Belle paled at the sight of it. Her husband cursed. Alas Ferrer is usually very calm in crisis but right now, I could see the raw fear in his eyes when he saw his son in agony.

Mabilis na itinakbo si Levi sa hospital. Zeus went with them. Gusto ko mang sumama, wala namang maiiwan upang magbantay kay Mama-jan. Kaya nagpaiwan nalang ako dito sa bahay at sinigurong ayos lang ang lagay niya.

I spent the entire night praying for his health. I must've seen it coming. He's been losing weight and he's very pale as well. Levi barely eats his breakfast and keeps on sleeping as well. When he said to me, over a year ago, that his parents knew about his condition, I thought he was cured. Hindi pa pala. Inaatake na naman siya ngayon ng sakit niya at mukhang mas nagiging malala pa ito.

They stayed at the hospital for two days. Nadelay ang pagbalik ni Zeus sa Davao. Gusto niyang manatili para sa kapatid niya. When Levi came back to the house, my heart ached at the sight of him, connected to a large oxygen tank. Despite the tubes coming out of his nose, he smiled at me.

"Does it make me look so cool? I mean, hindi naman nabawasan ang kagwapuhan ko, diba?"

I blinked back the tears from my eyes and hugged him. Natawa din si Levi.

"You scared me..." I murmured. "Akala ko kung ano na ang nangyari sa iyo."

He shrugged. "I'm tough as a rock. Itong si Mommy at Daddy, masyado lang talagang praning."

I stared at him. Maybe he could understand me. Understand what I'm going through right now for he spills white lies of his mouth just to make sure that no one worries about him. He doesn't want to cause inconvenience, too. And that sacrifice, for a young boy like him to make, is something that I deeply respected.

"Iaakyat ko na siya sa kwarto niya,"

Nag-angat ako ng tingin. Kung hindi lang nagsalita si Zeus ay malamang hindi ko rin siya napansin. Masyado akong nag-aalala para sa kapatid niya. I licked my lower lips and nodded. Tumabi ako habang inalalayan ni Zeus si Levi patungo sa kaniyang kwarto.

I thought that was the end of it. I didn't realize that it was just starting. Several nights later, Levi was found unconscious in his room again. This time, his parents brought him to Davao. They were so worried that the hospital in our village can no longer accommodate the needs of their son. And I've also heard plans of them proceeding to Manila if the hospitals in Davao as well, can no longer accommodate his needs.

Alam na ng mag-asawa na aalis kami ni Mama-jan. Tanging mga anak lang nila ang hindi nakakaalam na wala na kami pagbalik nila dito galing sa Maynila. As much as I wanted to wait for them and welcome the healthy Levi back, I couldn't. Malik had made arrangements and now he is back to get us.

Bukas na ang alis ng mga Ferrer. I am still hesitant to talk to Zeus. I could feel him being distant to me after our last talk at the beach, when he sang a song for me enough to break my young heart.

When it was their time to leave, I walked them to the gate silently. The driver started loading their luggage to the back of the car. I silently watched them. Levi is still inside the room while his father is making calls outside.

"Naia..."

Muntik na akong mapatalon sa gulat. I turned and saw Zeus. I could see the strains on his face, the signs of fatigue, indicating that he hasn't gotten much sleep since Levi started getting random attacks. His hair is messy and a bit damp. Mukhang kakagaling lang niyang maligo. The brown leather jacket he wore and white shirt suits him so well. He doesn't look like a teenager to me anymore. And with his light-shadowed jaw, I could see the maturity burning in him. He's just as tough as he looks.

"Zeus..." nginitian ko siya nang banayad. "Mag-iingat kayo sa biyahe niyo, ah?"

He nodded and took a step closer. Bahagya akong nagulat sa ginawa niya. He placed a hand at the top of my head and crouched a bit, to level with my eyes. My pulse leapt. Pinilit kong kalmahin ang sarili.

"Babalik din kami kaagad..." aniya na para bang nangangakong maghintay ako at may babalikan pa siya.

I bit my lower lips and nodded.

"If anything happens, just call me. Malik is not allowed to stay here overnight. If he wants to visit you, he is limited to the outdoor porch. Binilin ko na iyon sa kasambahay at kay Manong. He will watch for the two of you."

Tumango ulit ako.

"I supposed there are hospitals in Davao that provide betters accommodations for my brother. We just bought extra clothes in case we have to proceed to Manila if we couldn't find a competent hospital."

"Just focus on Levi, Zeus..." mahina kong sinabi.

I could see the raw fear in his eyes, just like his father's. He stares at me right now as if I'm going to vanish if he steps back. He hesitated for a bit, and then cursed. "Damn, I really don't want to leave you. The last time I did..."

"Magiging maayos lang kami, Zeus." Sabi ko sa kaniya. Nginitian ko siya. "Magiging maayos lang talaga kami."

"Just... just please call me... every night. I just want to hear your voice and uh... make sure you're okay."

Ibinaba ko ang tingin ko. I don't want to lie but I nodded my head. Zeus lifted my chin with his fingers. He stared straight into my eyes.

"Please be okay..." he said in almost a whisper.

"You don't need to worry about me, Zeus. I'm going to be fine."

Mukhang nag-aalangan pa rin siyang bitawan ako. I saw Levi being escorted out of the house. I tugged on his shirt to tell him that they're about to go. He glanced at his family waiting for him in the car and sighed.

"I'll be back." He said in reached for my hand, squeezed it once, before letting go. "Babalikan kita."

My heart ached at the thought of it. Babalikan niya ako... pero wala na ako pagbalik niya dito. He will get angry at me, for sure. But it is best to keep it from him until he's gone. Ayokong may iba pa siyang isipin habang nasa Davao siya kundi ang pagpapagaling ng kaniyang kapatid.

"I'll be waiting, Zeus..." I said.

He nodded again and took a step back. When he turned, I watched him climb inside the car. I waved with my fingers and turned my back again. Hindi ko na hinintay pa na makatulak ang sasakyan at pumasok na kaagad ako.

Maybe for him, when I said that I'll be waiting, it was a lie. But for me, it wasn't. I kept on waiting for him. I kept my promise for him. I looked for him in every man I met and looked for him everywhere I go.

A decade later, and here I am... still waiting for the Ferrer who captured my heart when I was still young.

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End of Part I.