Chapter 18

"Masakit?"

Marahang iling ang naging sagot ko. Whilst I felt very beautiful earlier, wearing the heels for the prom, I am now paying for its consequences. Parang tinutusok ng isang malalim ng kutsilyo ang mga paa ko sa bawat tapak. At palalim nang palalim ang tusok na ito habang tumatagal.

"Are you sure?"

Binalingan ko si Zeus. Seryoso ang tingin niya sa akin. I nodded slowly. I could never tell him that it hurts because in the first place, it was my choice and I wanted to look good for him that night.

"Ayos lang..." panggatong ko pa upang tantanan na niya ako.

Imbes na kumalma at hayaan nalang ako ay mas lalo pang lumalim ang kunot ng kaniyang noo. I almost yelped when in one swift move, he made me sit on the red-cushioned seat and was crouching in front of me.

"Zeus anong..."

"Stay still, Naia." He said in a firm voice. My eyes widened. Hindi na ako tinantanan ng malakas na pagtambol ng puso sa seryoso niyang mukha na ngayo'y ini-inspeksyon ang namumula kong mga paa.

"Do you mind?" he asked quietly, lifting my dress a bit to see more of the swelling skin.

Nahihiya akong umiling. Gusto kong bawiin ang paa ko mula sa kaniya, kasi nakakahiya. But I also liked the way he's holding my left foot right now. Ramdam ko ang gaan ng kaniyang haplos, even though he has big and calloused hands. He's holding my left foot as if he's holding the most fragile vase in the world. Parang nanglalambing ang bawat hagod ng mga daliri niya sa pagod na pagod kong mga paa.

"I think we danced too much..." he chuckled under his breath.

Namumula akong tumango. We did. We danced as if nobody's watching us, when in fact, most of the girls are now gossiping about us seeing that Zeus had spent most of his night with me. And the fact that he didn't ask any girl for a date. Hindi ko na mabilang kung ilang kanta ang sinayaw naming dalawa, pero alam kong kahit na sumasakit na ang mga paa ko'y patuloy pa rin ako sa pakikipagsayaw kay Zeus. I was just really happy earlier.

Kahit ngayon.

"Marunong ka pala..." I bit my lower lip and complimented him as he expertly massaged my feet. My sore muscles that tightened because of the dance are now starting to relax. Kanina ay halos naninigas pa ako sa simpleng paghawak niya sa akin pero ngayon ay nagiging komportable na ako. Nariyan pa rin ang dagundong ng dibdib ko pero ayos lang naman. Hindi ko maalis ang paningin sa kaniya.

"I should take you home after this... I promised your Baba to bring you back safe and sound before 11 pm."

Tumango ako. I gently pulled my foot away but instead of letting it go, mas lalo lang niyang hinigpitan ang pagkakahawak sa aking paa. I stared at him. He finally lifted his gaze at me to meet my frosty eyes.

Without breaking his gaze, Zeus lifted my foot and brushed his lips with my cold skin. My pulse leapt to my throat. The way he kissed my feet was so humbling, so pure, and so... unexpected. It was his submission. And in that fleeting moment, I thought my soul would leave my body due to extreme shock.

"Zeus..."

He smiled a little and tapped my foot, before he gently put on my heels again. Hindi pa rin ako makagalaw sa kinauupuan ko. Tulala lang akong nakatingin sa kaniya, pero ang puso ko... parang sasabog na.

Like a 90's film in black and white, my life played in front of my eyes. I could see my younger self when she first fell in love with Zeus. That prom night. That very moment of our prom night. I know I couldn't forget about it.

"Ano nga ulit pangalan nung bokalistang kinukwento mo sa 'kin, Cha?"

"Zeus. Zeus Ferrer."

Napahinto ako sa pagbabasa at hindi napigilan ang sariling lingunin ang babaeng biglang nagsalita. Students were scattered around the mini forest, and the tables are packed. Nang makisuyo sila sa akin kanina kung pwede ba silang makiupo ay um-oo naman ako. Wala naman akong kasama o hinihintay dito. Katatapos ko lang kumain mag-isa and now I'm just reviewing for our quiz later on.

"Yung taga UP?"

"Oo. Teka, eto Instagram account niya."

From the corner of my eyes, I could make out their grinning faces as they stalked him on social media. Ang isang kadarating nilang kasama na lalaki ay bahagya ding na-intriga nang makitang may pinagkakaguluhan ang mga kaibigan niya.

After a while, he pulled himself away from them and made a disgusted look.

"Baka puro abs at gwapong mukha lang yan? Talaga bang magaling kumanta yan?" he asked smugly, tapping on his guitar case. I guess he's into music, too.

"Oo naman! Alam mo andaming naghahabol na recording companies sa kanila. But their front man, Zeus, said that they ought to focus on their studies first. Siguro kapag graduate na ang pinakabata nilang miyembro, si Zoey, baka pumasok na talaga sila sa showbiz."

"Tsk." The guy, whose male ego is obviously talking right now, made bickering sounds. "Hindi ko pa sila napapakinggan. Pag may time na siguro ako."

Bahagya akong napanguso. I wanted to defend them, to let them know that I know The Luminaries since high school, but I'm afraid to speak for myself. Baka hindi pa sila maniwala sa akin or worst, bansagan nila akong isang crazed fan.

Patuloy ang pag-uusap nila at patuloy rin ang pakikinig ko. Kunwaring binabasa ko pa ang libro namin pero sa totoo lang ay wala nang pumapasok sa isipan ko kung hindi ang banda at si Zeus.

As soon as they left, I immediately pulled my phone out and installed Instagram. Inipit ko ang pang-ibabang labi habang seryosong gumagawa ng account. Then I typed his username and saw his public profile.

Mabilis na kumalat ang hapdi sa dibdib ko nang makita ko ang mukha ni Zeus. His tough-looking face will always melt my heart. I stared at his profile picture before I went on to check his feed.

His Instagram feed is in black and white theme. Kung hindi mga gitara ay mga blurry pictures ng kaniyang fans. There was even a picture of the ocean foams that was probably taken from Governor Generoso.

Hindi ko mapigilang hindi malungkot habang pinagmamasdan ang mga larawan niya. He rarely smiles in his pictures. Tikom palagi ang bibig at taliwas ang tingin sa camera. May iilang picture pa na may nakasabit na sigarilyo sa kaniyang bibig.

I scrolled to see more of his pictures and was stunned when I saw a single picture that seemed so out of context. Ito lang ang colored picture sa kaniyang feed at kung titingnan, para talaga itong naliligaw na litrato. I clicked on it and almost dropped my phone when I saw who it was.

It was me.

Titig na titig ako sa larawan. I didn't know he took picture of me during our prom night! Pula ang suot ko noon at nasa ulo ko pa ang flower crown na ibinigay niya. He may be following me when he took the picture, because no one could see my face. Nakatalikod ako at naglalakad patungo sa sasakyan niyang nakaparking sa di kalayuan. Madilim ang paligid. In fact, you couldn't make out anything on the picture except for my red dress and the dark background. I bit on my lower lip and clicked on the picture.

The comments are limited. Unlike his other public posts, he didn't even bother placing a caption for this photo. Basta lang itong nakapost, nakasira pa sa Instagram feed niya.

Matagal ko itong tinitigan. Bumaba ang tingin ko sa date kung kailan ito naipost. My heart sank to my chest.

Three years ago. Three years ago... after I got married with Malik.

Mas lalo lamang kumirot ang puso ko. Tatlong taon na pala ang nakakalipas mula nang huli ko siyang nakita. And the last time I saw him, he wept silently as I got married with another guy. It was so devastating for the two of us.

I loathed my Baba back then. Back when I am ignorant of his real reason. Of how much he loved me that he would do everything to secure his only daughter a bright future even if it also kills him inside.

Nanghihina kong ibinalik ang cellphone sa bulsa. This is wrong. I shouldn't have any feelings for him after everything that's happened. Matagal na panahon na ang nakalipas. I should focus on becoming a faithful wife to Malik, who funded my college tuition and sent me to Davao to study education. I shouldn't be thinking about Zeus and all the pain I've been through when I was still in high school.

I deleted my Instagram application afterwards. Taking a deep breath, I swiped the unshed tear and stood up, deciding that I am not allowed to even think about the first boy who made me cry aside from my father.

The image dissolved into thousand fragments and I feel like I'm floating again. My sense of time and of existence are all but faded away. Watching important points of my life through a black and white lens should sound strange, but it doesn't. I should be panicking right now, because I have no idea what's going on. But in this strange point of my life, I learned that fear and anxiety doesn't have a room in your chest when you're re-watching the boy that you've fallen in love through someone else's eyes.

"Aren't you sick of me?"

"Hmm?" he glanced at me lazily, as his hand traveled to my hair and started stroking.

Maingat akong gumalaw sa kaniyang mga hita. Nakatitig na siya sa akin ngayon. Even from the view below, he still looks so attractive to me.

"What if one day you'll fall out of love?"

"That's not going to happen." Was his calm reply.

"Pero what if nga..." giit ko. "You will never know what will happen, Zeus."

"Stop torturing yourself over what if's, Naia. I am happily married for you and I waited ten years for this. Don't you think I'll fall out of love that easy?"

Ngumuso ako. Sa ilang araw na kasal na kami ay paminsan-minsan, hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala na talagang akin na siya. Na sa wakas, pagkatapos ng lahat ng pinagdaanan naming dalawa ay sa kaniya din ako hihimlay at ako ang uuwian niya sa tuwing gabi.

"Sagutin mo pa rin ang tanong ko." pagmamaktol ko na parang bata.

Zeus stopped humming the song and turned his whole attention to me. Ngayong titig na titig na siya sa akin ay saka pa ako pinamulahan ng mukha. I cleared my throat and stared back at him, to show him how determined I am to earn an answer from him.

"Paano kung isang araw magising ka tapos natutulog ako sa tabi mo... tapos tititigan mo ako at mar-realize mo na unti-unti na palang nawawala ang pagmamahal mo sa akin?"

"Then I'll just have to remember why I fell in love with you in the first place. I just have to remind myself that being your husband is the best thing that has happened in my life. And if I really fall out of love, which is not going to happen, but in some odd circumstances I did... then I'll just have to fall in love with you again. I'll fall in love with you over and over again."

Marahan niyang hinaplos ang mga pisngi ko. He leaned over to kiss my temples.

"Naia, you can fall in love with the same person a thousand times. I already fell in love with you thrice. When I first met you in high school, when you appeared in my life again after a decade, and when I saw you in your wedding dress. Tatlong beses at paulit-ulit akong nahuhulog sa iyo."

"Is that your answer?"

"Staying in love is always a choice."

I nodded slowly and this time, it was my turn to lean closer and kiss his cheeks. Ipinikit niya ang mga mata habang marahang hinahagkan ng mga labi ko ang malamig niyang balat. I slowly leaned away but he quickly captured the back of my neck to pull me closer and kissed me fully in the lips.

Ramdam na ramdam ko ang init ng kaniyang hininga at kung gaano siya kasabik sa akin. I tried to equal the intensity of his kisses but there's no way I would be able to kiss him better than him kissing me the best. As if it is our last.

Nang kumalas ay may pilyong ngiti na naglalaro sa kaniyang mga labi. He licked his lower lip sensually and tugged on the end of my sleeves. Napailing na lamang ako, pinipigilan ang pagkawala ng halakhak sa aking bibig.

"How many kids do you want?"

"Kahit ilan."

"Gusto mo ng basketball team?"

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko sa sinabi niya at mabilis na tinampal ang kaniyang dibdib. "Zeus!"

He chuckled. "Just kidding. But seriously... I want to know what you want first. Only then I can decide on what I want."

I rolled my eyes in fake annoyance. "Why can't you decide on your own?"

"Well..." he shifted comfortably on his seat. Ang kaniyang isang kamay ay gumapang sa aking balakang at mahina itong tinapik. "You will be the one carrying our child. Pregnancy is never easy, Naia. You should have a say first because between the two of us, you will be in pain. I will respect your decision, no matter what you say."

"Hmm." Saglit akong nag-isip. Nagningning ang mga mata kong tiningnan siya. "Dalawa."

"Dalawa?"

I nodded. "Kasi lumaki akong walang kapatid at minsan, nakakalungkot kapag wala akong kalaro. When I first saw you with your brother, I was amazed of how strong your bond is. I want that kind of bond too, with my children in the future."

"Alright."

I giggled. "Should we start doing something for our plans?"

Tinitigan niya ako nang masama. "Cut it out, Naia. The doctor said that you're not allowed to do it. Yet."

I laughed softly. "Susundin mo talaga ang sinabi ng doktor?"

Mas lalong nagdilim at tumalim ang paningin ni Zeus sa akin. He gave my waist a hard squeeze, as if to send a warning that if I am stepping into a very dangerous zone and that I should retreat as soon as possible.

"Stop teasing me, Naia. It's not funny." He scowled.

"Okay. Nagtatanong lang naman eh..." ngumuso pa ako.

"And stop pouting... nanggigigil na ako!" he said between his teeth as his eyes flared in so much annoyance and restraint.

Humagalpak na ako sa sobrang tawa. He really is fun to tease with. Pikon kasi. Gwapo nga, pikon naman. Zeus glared at me and released a noncommittal grunt under his breath.

From then on, the image of the two of us faded into a pleasant swirl of black and white. The voices began to fade until I could no longer hear mine or his. I continued watching the blank space and for the first time, felt a surge of panic when I couldn't see him or hear him.

"Zeus?"

It was like calling out to nothing. All the scattered thoughts inside my brain are now starting to whisper and the battle began. I swim through memories and endless memories of us, all in black and white. I watched all the sad and happy parts.

"Naia...?"

"Zeus!"

"Can you hear me, baby?"

I felt like choking. Ang mga naimbak kong hangin sa baga ay nilisan na ito at ngayo'y naghihingalo na ako. I clutched my chest, as I want to scream so bad but I couldn't. With a blow unknown to my entire being, I jolted awake, gasping for air.

"Naia!"

I was dizzy and disoriented but I could never mistake my husband's voice for anyone else. I know it's him. It's him who's been calling me all along. It was him. Always been him.

I couldn't say anything because of the mouthpiece, but when my vision got clearer, I caught glimpse of Zeus staring at me with bloodshot eyes and trembling lips. Like his life depended on it. He was gripping the railings of the hospital bed too hard that the veins on his hands protruded and looks like it's going to explode any second.

Isang malalim at nanginginig na hininga ang pinakawalan niya.

"You're awake..." he said in a raspy whisper.

I couldn't even nod in agreement. But I stared at him with tears in my eyes and tried to lift a finger. Zeus noticed my struggle for a response and quickly grabbed my hand, kissing my knuckles and whispering prayers to Allah.

"Allah has brought you back to me... I love you... I love... you... Thank you for coming back..." he cried.

I couldn't help my own tears as well. Though I couldn't speak, I know he understands what I'm trying to say.

I came back for you, Zeus. Because I promise and I am not one to break promises.