Chapter 18

"My name is Parvana Naia Bukhari-Kiram."

My classmates exchanged knowing glances with each other. I smiled at them, but didn't get one in return. Nazrah smirked from the back and then whistled.

"May asawa ka na diba?"

Hindi ko siya sinagot at dumiretso sa upuan ko. Hindi ko rin tiningnan ang mga nagtatanong at kuryusong mga mata ng mga kaklase ko sa akin. Zoey scowled at her and when the teacher turned, to my horror, she raised her middle finger to Nazrah.

"Fuck off! Mas maganda pa rin si Parvana kesa sa iyo!" she half-whispered, half-yelled.

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko sa ginawa ng kaibigan. Before she gets into trouble, I hurriedly tugged the hem of her uniform to sit her down and squeezed her arms.

"Tama na yan, Zoey."

"Namimihasa, eh. Puro lang naman make-up ang mukha niya!"

Napailing nalang ako sa sinabi ng kaibigan. Nazrah keeps on bickering at the back, sending death glares to the two of us every now and then. Ayaw ko ng gulo kaya inignora ko nalang siya.

She can hate me all she wants, it's her energy she's wasting on hatred after all... not mine.

What happened last summer is still unbelievable. My getting married spread like a wildfire in our neighborhood. They're amazed and surprised to see such a young girl like me get married and constantly asks if it's really true. I soon got tired of explaining and just let them think what they want to think of me...

Nang sumapit ang lunchbreak namin ay hinila ako ni Zoey kung saan kami madalas na kumain noong nakaraang taon. I followed her silently while she talks about her newly-discovered K-POP band.

Ever since what happened, Levi and Zoey were very careful with me. It's been months since I last saw him, and the two of them pretended as if he didn't exist in the first place. None of them wants to talk about him and during our long strings of conversations, no one dared to mention him.

The harsh sunrays made my eyes squint as we crossed the field. On the surrounding cemented benches around the Mango tree, a tall figure is hunched over something. My heart pounded wildly at the familiar nape of the neck and the soft raven hair falling over the forehead. The stance is a bit different but...

"Levi!"

Nag-angat ng tingin si Levi sa aming dalawa. The blank expression on his face crushed my heart. Napailing ako at mas lalong binilisan ang paglalakad. It was so silly of me to think that it was Zeus. They're both Ferrers. Of course, the strong family resemblance would make me want to think of him.

Biting my lower lips, I sat across his younger brother. Am I missing him too much that I started imagining his face on his brother? The thought shot a dull pain to my chest, quickly overwhelmed by the bouncing energy of Zoey as we fall into our conversations.

Half a year has passed but I'm still struggling. I badly want to know if he still visits his parents and his younger brother. Ni minsan ay hindi ko siya nakita sa nakalipas na anim na buwan. And if he really visits, Levi didn't bother telling me, thinking that it would hurt me all over again. I think he and Zoey made a pact not to tell anything to me about Zeus, allowing me to fully heal from the disaster that is my wedding.

Malik went back to Sulu to continue his trainings and fulfill his responsibility as the Datu's son. He visits every weekend. Our relationship has improved over time. I started telling him about Zeus and he's started telling me about the serf's daughter that he's infatuated with. Despite the marriage, we act like friends that my father finds very inappropriate.

There are times when I don't miss him, or I just forgot that I'm missing him because of school and other extra-curricular activities. But in a few minutes that I get to take a break in a busy afternoon at 1 pm and when I can't sleep at 1 am, he always enters my mind.

My phone buzzed. I jolted awake, startled, and stared at my ceiling for a few seconds before I rubbed my sleepy eyes. Mama-jan urged me to buy a phone for myself using the money we got after the wedding. Palagi ko namang sinasabi sa kaniya na hindi na kailangan at pwede lang naman akong manghiram sa kaniyang cellphone pero napilit niya pa rin ako. Until now, I still haven't installed Facebook or any social media applications because I know I will be searching for Zeus' name and will be stalking him endlessly.

I checked the text message I received from Zoey. It's Saturday and she wants to spend the time with me and Levi at the beach. Pumayag naman ako nang payagan ako ni Mama-jan. Ever since I got married, my Baba rarely worries about me. Ilang beses na akong nakakasama sa pamamasyal nila Zoey at Levi na hindi nagagalit si Baba. I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing.

I put on a short dress and paired it with white slacks. My hair is in its usual braid as I tucked it on the top of my head before wearing my hijab. I replied to Zoey's text message to tell her that I'm on my way.

Nagpaalam na ako sa mga magulang ko nang lumabas ng bahay. Habang naglalakad ako ay nakita ko mula sa malayo si Thea na namimitas ulit ng mga bulaklak sa may gate ng kanilang bahay.

I waved at her. "Thea!"

The little girl grinned at me. Siya lang ata ang may gusto sa akin sa bahay na ito. Her mother seems to hate Muslim a lot. She lives with her mother and grandfather. She's only five and very bubbly. Nilapitan ko siya.

"How are you doing today?" I asked, and glanced to see if her mother is around. Itataboy na naman ako panigurado.

"Pretty..." she tugged on the end of my hijab and grinned.

I laughed and ruffled her hair. "Have fun picking flowers, Thea. Aalis muna ako."

She handed me the gumamela in her hand and smiled. Kinuha ko iyon at nagpaalam na sa bata. The wind picked up as I waited for a tricycle. Mas lumalakas at lumalamig ang ihip ng hangin habang papalapit kami sa baybayin.

I saw the Monterio's pick up from a distance. Nasa likod sina Zoey at Levi at isa pang hindi ko kilala na babae. The driver is at some small store nearby, drinking his coffee and patiently waiting.

The sea came into view while I was walking down the sandy path, towards where the pick-up is parked. I could hear the loud music booming from the speakers resting at the top of the car's roof and Levi snorting at something the girl said before they both exploded into fits of laughter.

"Huh? Sino 'to?" Zoey swore under her breath as she pressed her phone against her ears. "Bakit nasa iyo ang phone ni Zeus?"

I froze at the mention of his name. Levi's eyes warily dropped on me. Hindi pa alam ni Zoey na nasa likuran niya lang ako at nakikinig sa kung sinuman ang katawag niya ngayon.

"Impaktang 'to. I'm a family friend of him! Where the hell is he? Ibigay mo nga sa kaniya ang cellphone niya!"

I stood awkwardly, listening, and my rubber shoes digging into the sand. I should probably say hi already, but for some reason, I am very drawn to their conversation. I want to listen more.

"Miss, kung sino ka man, aba'y dapat alam mo na pampalipas oras ka lang ni Zeus. Don't act like a god-awful wife because you're not. Best thing you can do is—what the hell?" she cursed more and nearly hurled her phone against the floor of the car. "Did you just hang up on me?"

"Zoey."

Gulat na napalingon sa akin si Zoey, hindi ata inaasahan na nakikinig ako sa pag-uusap nila ng kung sinumang babae. She blinked, then an awkward smile took its place on her soft lips.

"I-Ikaw pala, Parvana... kanina ka pa?"

"Kanina pa." I said honestly, because I couldn't lie just to make her feel better. Instead, I smiled at her to ease some of the tension. Umakyat ako sa likod ng pick-up at tinabihan siya. "So, what are we going today?"

Zoey studied me for a second, probably to find traces of anger or betrayal or even a hint of annoyance. Something ached inside my chest at the knowledge that Zeus is probably seeing a girl by now, pero hindi ko iyon ipinakita sa kanila. Zoey and Levi were always been careful not to hurt me, and the best thing I can do to repay their kindness is to not let them worry.

The rest of the year went into a blur. Before I knew it, we were celebrating our first wedding anniversary. I am already 15 years old. Sa tuwing naaalala ko kung ano ang nangyari sa araw na ito ay humahapdi ulit ang dibdib ko.

"Ano 'to?" nakangiti kong tanong kay Malik nang maglapag siya ng iilang brochures sa harapan ko.

He shrugged. "Universities. Colleges. Maybe you should start choosing where you want to study? You've only got two years left in high school before you move to college."

I stared at him. "You mean, you're going to allow me to study?"

"Of course." Malik gave me an incredulous look, then he chuckled. "Of course, Parvana. Your Baba and I don't share the same mindset, you know? And I promised to secure your education when we got married."

My heart warmed at his words. I smiled at him, genuinely. "Thank you, Malik..."

He nodded and leaned back, while I pick up the brochures of various universities advertising their quality education. Come to think of it, in our one year of marriage, Malik and I never really had the chance to talk about personal things. Albeit I tell him things about Zeus then and there, I know so little of his life at Sulu. I've never even there before.

"So, how are things going with the girl you mentioned before?"

Muntik na niyang maibuga ang iniinom niyang kape. He stared at me, before he blushed furiously. My eyes laughed at the sight of him, thoroughly embarrassed at just the mention of the girl he's really infatuated with.

"S-She's okay... I guess..." he murmured.

"Really?"

Malik scratched the back of his neck. "Why are you asking me this all of a sudden?"

Nginisihan ko siya. "Bakit? Bawal ba?"

He cleared his throat. "Hindi naman..."

"Tell me about her."

"Are you sure you want to know? I mean, technically, you're still my w-wife..." he stammered.

"Still?" I tilted my head at the tone of the voice he used.

Malik sighed and clasped his hands together. "I've been planning for a while, Parvana..."

"Planning what?"

"Once I inherit the position of my father and my training is completed... I can do whatever I want, marry the girl that I really love... that sort of things, you know?"

I stared at him, a bit stunned. I've never imagined him as a rebel type of a guy. A scrawny boy like him rebelling against his giant of a father? Datu Kiram is not just powerful with his wealth and army, but he is also a good fighter himself. Bahagya akong natakot sa tumatakbo ngayon sa utak ni Malik.

"There are so many things that I want to change. For now, I am still gaining the trust of my father. And when I do, I will rule things by my own hands. My rules. We both know that we're just forced into this marriage. I'll make sure that you get the education that you deserve first, before I let you go..." he confessed. A thin lovesick smile touched his lips. "And then I'm gonna marry her..."

"Malik..."

"I mean, it's okay with you, right? There must be something going on with you and Zeus when I—"

Hindi ko na siya pinatapos sa pagsasalita. I jumped on him and hugged him tight. This might be the first physical contact we'd had in our marriage. The closest to intimacy. Tears blurred my vision as I sobbed into his shoulders.

"Parvana..."

"Thank you..." I sobbed. "Thank you, thank you, thank you..."

He chuckled. "Hey, that was the plan all along. If you just listened to me in the first place instead of wasting your energy hating me..."

"I didn't hate you for a second. I was hurt." I clarified, but tears won't stop from falling. It feels as if the heavy weight had been lifted off my shoulder.

He patted my shoulders awkwardly. "We were both hurt at that time, Parvana."

I bit my lower lips, feeling very guilty. I wonder if the girl he likes has been invited to the wedding, too? That must really hurt a lot. I was too focused on my own feelings that I ignored Malik's. And he's done nothing but continuously attempt to make me happy.

Nang kumalas ako sa yakap ay hinayaan ko siyang punasan ang mga luha ko. He's the brother I've never had, not the husband I deserve to live with. The vows we exchanged in front of everyone and by the name of Allah were nothing but lies. Bumigat ulit ang loob ko nang mapagtanto ko ang kasalanang nagawa sa Kaniya.

"We'll get through this, Parvana. Just hang on a little longer, okay? I'll get you out of this mess."

I nodded, and for the first time, trusted him with all my heart.

Another year has just started when I thought I couldn't get through it with all the pain that are dragging me down. I woke up early and went outside, tasting the crisp morning air while sipping on my coffee. As I gazed at the rising sun, my mind wandered again to Zeus. There are so many things that I want to tell him and so many things that I want to know about him. But I don't even know how to contact him anymore. Davao is just four hours away from here but it seems to me like he's living at the other side of the world.

My heart ached at the thought. Kinumbinse ko ang sarili ko na magiging maayos din ang lahat. Kailangan ko lang itong tiisin nang ilang taon. Maybe if Zeus still feels the exactly the same for me... maybe we could still fight. It's still not the end of it all.

I texted Zoey that day to meet at school. Gusto niya kasing sabay kaming magpa-enroll. Nauna akong dumating sa kaniya at dahil hindi pa naman nagsisimula ang proseso ay wala pang gaanong tao sa eskwelahan.

Naglakad-lakad ako. When I saw the Grade 12 department building, my feet took me there. I crossed the field quickly, trying to avoid the harsh rays of sun until I stepped into the building. Iginala ko ang paningin sa paligid. Halos walang tao.

I went to check the rooms. Napapangiti ako sa tuwing naaalala na minsan ko pa siyang pinupuntahan dito o di kaya'y siya ang pumupunta sa amin sa classroom. My fingers traced the freshly-painted window metal bars.

Then I heard someone dragging a chair on the next room. Kumunot ang noo ko at hinila ng kuryosidad. I slowly walked towards the next room and twisted the doorknob open.

The cold air from the room made me gasp for a bit, before my eyes squinted on the tall figure who dragged the three chairs and formed them in a line so he could lay. I blinked. He must've felt my presence because the chair moved and he lifted his gaze.

Halos matumba ako sa kinatatayuan nang magtagpo ang mga mata namin. The eerie silence made me shudder a bit. I've been dreaming of his eyes for a long time and now that he's in front of me, I suddenly wanted to shut the door and just run away.

Zeus stared at me for a long time. He's wearing a uniform. So different from our school uniform. He let his hair grow a bit it could pass as a bedroom hair in a sexy disarray. And his eyes are deeper, darker, and more dangerous. It has been a year since we've last seen each other but it feels like I haven't seen him for decades. So much has changed of him.

I tried to smile, a polite one. He continued staring at me and it frustrates me that unlike before, I could no longer read the emotions in his eyes. It's blank and void of any emotions. But the same impetuous pull that only he could strike at me without even lifting a finger is still there. My heart still pounds the same at the mention of his name, at his presence, and especially at his touch.

"Hi... Zeus..." mahina kong wika. I licked my nervous lips and shoved my hands inside the pockets of my slacks so he couldn't see it trembling. Tamad siyang nag-angat ng kilay at patuloy akong tiningnan. "Kumusta?"

He chuckled slowly and decided that he couldn't get back to his sleep after disturbing him. Nanigas ako nang tumayo siya at pinagpagan ang kaniyang slacks na suot. Why, he's gotten taller and his shoulders are broader compared to the last time I saw him. I could see traces of developing muscles bulging under his uniform and the faint smell of his perfume never changed. Tamad siyang naglakad papunta sa akin.

My heart leapt to my throat. Umatras ako nang isang beses upang tuluyang makalabas sa classroom. He didn't seem bothered by it. Huminto siya sa amba ng pintuan at ihinilig ang kaniyang sarili. He studied me, before an amused smile touched his lips.

"My, my. If it isn't little Mrs. Kiram..." he said in a rough and thick voice I almost coulnd't recognize.