Chapter 17

The traditional wedding gown should be red for the Nikah, but I refused to wear one and insisted on the white gown instead. It earned a frown from my Baba, but he did not bother to stretch the argument. He just nodded and said I could do whatever I want for my own wedding.

Matamlay akong nagising. In fact, I don't even want to get up from my bed. I stared at the ceiling of my room for a long time, wondering if this is the end of me. I blinked back the tears and then forced myself to get up, then dropped my gaze at the lovely wedding gown in front of me.

It has a Sabrina bodice and the huge balloon skirt that cascaded from the waist of the gown all the way to the floor. Its golden trims gleamed at the slightest kiss of the sun and its intricate lacey design looks so elegant, especially when worn. The dress came with a coordinating hijab, which was lined with golds and little diamonds, too.

Ihinilamos ko ang mukha sa palad at ilang minuto ding tulala bago ako kinatok ni Mama-jan. When she saw the sorrowful look on my face, her heart broke into two but she still managed a smile for me.

"Are you ready, Parvana?"

I could only nod weakly.

The preparation went so fast. There were so many unfamiliar faces helping me prepare and making sure that I was well-attended. Despite wearing my hijab for the wedding, my hair is elegantly coiffed and was enamored with pearled hair pins.

I slipped into the gown and let them do the makeup while someone is massaging my feet before putting on my wedding shoes. My lips are pursed and no words came from my mouth all throughout. The hush of excitement and exchanged of jokes amongst the women who were tasked to help me prepare for my wedding did nothing to excite me.

It took us a long time before they got satisfied with my look. I stared at myself in the mirror. I may have looked the best of myself today, but with my heart breaking into two, I couldn't justify my pretty face with even a faint smile. I could only feel my tears burning at the back of my eyes, threatening to ruin the makeup they've worked so hard for.

Kailangan kong lakasan ang loob ko. This pain may seem endless and intense, but I'll be able to overcome it. Ngayon lang 'to. Presko pa ang sugat kaya halos mabaliw na ako sa sakit. Pero pagkalipas ng ilang buwan o taon, mawawala din ito. I'll survive this day.

By the time we were traveling towards the mosque, my head is spinning. The ceremony will be short, but the number of guests who attended the wedding overwhelmed me. Guests are not allowed to wear shoes inside the holy place. I saw the racks full of expensive shoes and my heart pounded. One of the pairs of the shoes must belong to Zeus. Assuming he'd come...

Did he really come? Ayokong isipin iyon. I was a fool when I asked him to attend my wedding. I shouldn't ask him that. Mas lalo ko lang siyang pinahirapan.

The first face I saw when I entered the mosque is Zoey's. Just like the rest of the women inside, she is wearing a scarf in respect to our tradition. Mugto ang mga mata niya at nakatitig sa akin. Her lips curled downward. I could see the pain in her eyes, too. Mag-isa lang siya sa pinakahuling upuan. She couldn't sit next to Zeus or Levi because genders are separated during the ceremony and interaction between opposite sex may be frowned upon religious Muslim, like my Baba.

Iniwas ko ang tingin sa kaibigan. I can't see her hurting for me, too. She didn't even bother to pretend that she's happy, as what I'd expected her to do. It made me feel worse.

The first part of the ceremony started – the mehr or the presentation of the gifts from the groom to the bride. By that time, I'm still not allowed to see my groom as I was presented the gifts from their family. It was then I found out that Datu Kiram also gave his cattle in Sulu to my family, as part of the gift. I was showered with jewels, coins, silks, and even security to my education. Baba had a satisfied look on his face as the agreement was read and verified.

When asked by the Imam, I muttered qubool hai three times, an indication that I am consenting to the marriage. Labas sa ilong ang pagkakasabi ko ng mga salitang iyon. Words of protest burned at the tip of my tongue, but I know I could do nothing to stop this nonsense wedding.

I dragged myself helplessly back to the mosque, where in front of our guests, Malik and I will sign the marriage contract. Malakas na ang pintig ng puso ko nang lumabas ako at magpakita sa kanila.

I almost collapsed on the floor when my gaze connected with Zeus. Nakahilamos ang kaniyang mukha sa palad. When he lifted his gaze, he stared solemnly at me. I stopped short on my tracks and stared at him too, hurting all over again.

Why did he come? He shouldn't had come! It was a mistake to invite him. Sinasaktan ko lang siya nang sobra...

What broke my heart the most is when he smiled at me. A ghost of thin smile appeared on his lips and nodded at me in encouragement. Nanginig ang mga labi ko. What was that smile for? You great pretender! Don't act as if everything's okay, Zeus. It's killing me to see you smiling at my own wedding.

Tinabihan ko si Malik. He looks very handsome today, dressed in a vibrant robe and even with the lack of jewels, he exuded of royalty and wealth. The grim look on his face tells me that he's as unhappy as I am with this excuse of a marriage.

The wedding contract was read aloud in Arabic in front of our guests by the Imam. During that time, I keep on glancing at Zeus. He just stared blankly at me. Ang kapatid naman niya ay wala ding imik na nakatingin sa akin. Blanko ang ekspresiyon ng magkapatid na Ferrer. They were both grim and unpleased with what's going on.

I turned to the religious officiant when asked to say our vow, after he's given his sermon of the importance of marriage and our responsibility towards Allah as a couple. I swallowed hard and closed my eyes, gathering the memorized phrases that I ought to say in front of everyone.

"I, Parvana Naia Bukhari, offer myself to you in accordance to the instructions of the Holy Quran and the Holy Prophet, peace and blessing upon him. I pledge, in honesty and with sincerity, to be for you a loving and faithful..." I trailed off and turned to Zeus again. His eyes are now red with a mist of pain, anger, betrayal, and overwhelming sadness. Para akong nakuryente sa nakita. For a moment, my mind went blank. Then I turned to Malik. "I p-promise to be a faithful wife..." pumiyok ang boses ko sa dulo at napaluha nang mapagtantong pagsisinungaling lang itong sinasabi ko sa harapan nilang lahat ngayon. "A faithful wife and a nurturing mother to our children..."

My lips trembled so bad. Some of the guests cooed, assuming that I was getting emotional with my vow to Malik. Kahit anong pilit kong hindi lingunin si Zeus ay ginawa ko pa rin. He just looks like his world was splitting apart before him. Levi is gripping his arms. A muscle in his jaw twitched and when he couldn't take it any longer, he rose from his seat and stormed out of the mosque, earning disapproving looks from everyone.

His hands balled into fists as he stiffly walked away with tensed shoulders and red-rimmed eyes. Zeus disappeared before my eyes and there's nothing I could do about it. I want to stand up, run after him, and beg for his forgiveness. I want to run away from this, but I couldn't bring myself to it. I am such a coward of a person. One couldn't understand hopelessness unless they've seen the love of their life walk away in so much pain and there's nothing you can do about it.

"I pledge, in all honesty and sincerity, to be for you a loving and faithful husband." Malik answered in a stiff tone to my vow. I turned to him with eyes brimming with tears, as the marriage had been sealed and witnessed by everyone, marking the end of it.

I almost couldn't made it to the Saqavah. Kung hindi lang hinawakan ni Malik ang braso ko ay malamang natumba na ako. I know my father had been observing me all this time. He smiled at my husband.

"Can I talk to her for a minute?"

Malik hesitated, and then nodded. Baba-jan sent me a warning glare, as his fingers dug painfully on my skin and he yanked me to one of the corners of the hall, where no one could see or hear us.

"What is wrong with you?" he snarled and raised his fist, ready to hit me.

Kaagad kong ipinikit ang mga mata sa takot. Both my hands flew to my face, a futile attempt to protect myself from his attack. Tumakas ang hikbi sa lalamunan ko habang hinihintay ang paglapat ng mabigat niyang kamay sa mukha ko. A few seconds passed and I felt nothing.

Baba-jan is panting with anger, his eyes red and violent. My eyes widened when I saw a hand gripping Baba-jan's arms, blocking his body to protect me from my own father. Parang sasabog ang dibdib ko sa kaba. Tumulo ang mga luha ko habang nakatingin sa likod niya.

"Don't you dare hurt her." The voice is low and dangerous. Hs body trembled in so much anger as he took a step closer to Baba, his grip tightening around his arm.

"And who do you think you are?" Baba hissed between gritted teeth, trying to knock off his hand but he couldn't. Zeus is a lot stronger than him and with anger fueling him, he is unstoppable.

"Zeus..." nanginig ang boses ko. I thought he's left already. What is he still doing here?

"Get your filthy hand off me, young man. You've proven yourself to be nothing but rude and brash. Haven't you got any shame?"

"Zeus, bitawan mo na si Baba..." halos magmakaawa ako.

Bayolente at nakakamatay ang titig ni Zeus sa kaniya. He turned to me with his sharp eyes, before he finally let go of my father. I was about to step towards him when he stopped me with his hands. Napatingin ako sa kamay niyang pumipigil sa akin at inilalayo ako sa sarili kong ama.

"Why don't you go back, Naia?" anito sa kalmado ngunit mapanganib pa ring boses.

"Zeus..."

"I've been holding back because you're the father of the girl I love." He continued. His words surprised us both. Shock registered on my father's face, before it was slowly replaced with extreme anger at his audacity. "But I swear to God, once you hurt her again, I will never fucking hesitate to strike. You're going to regret not treasuring her the way she should be treated, because I'm going to steal her from you and your sick mentality. All the gods could curse me, but I will never bring your daughter back once I've put my mind on it. Married or not, Naia will always be mine."

I was at loss at his words. My heart pounded on my chest. I could only stare at his broad shoulders and wondered how a guy like this could feel this strongly for a Muslimah like me.

"Just one mistake. Just one mistake of touching as much as a strand of her hair and I'll take what's mine. She's going with me where she belongs and believe me when I say I don't have any plans of giving her back once I've got her. You can try to kill me, but there's no stopping me from having Naia." The warning made me shudder. He emphasized each and every word with a grit of his teeth, his spirits flaring up along with the intensity of his anger towards my father. "Leave your daughter alone or mess with me."

Baba-jan opened his mouth angrily, about to curse him inside the mosque when a tall figure suddenly appeared by the end of the corridor.

"Is something going on here?"

Datu Kiram's stirring yet powerful voice melted Baba's anger in an instant. Para na siyang tutang napaamo sa boses pa lang ng tatay ni Malik. Zeus, on the other hand, remained snarling at him, like he's about to attack any second. Gusto ko man siyang abutin at pakalmahin ay hindi ko magawa. Not at least in front of Datu Kiram and Baba-jan.

"Nothing. He's just greeting her. Everything's fine, Kiram."

Datu Kiram stared at the three of us suspiciously. Based on my frightened look and Zeus' angry face, he could tell that this is more than just a greeting. He pursed his lips and jerked towards the aisle.

"The guests are looking for you. You should go back, Parvana."

Ayokong iwan si Zeus kasama si Baba. They would try to kill each other if I did. The last thing I want is anything violent to happen at the day of my wedding. We've been both hurt and destroyed with what happened, there is no need to draw up blood from one another because of extreme anger.

"Zeus..."

He turned to me. Hindi pa rin siya kumakalma. I could tell that he's hanging on the thin thread of his self-control. Zeus stared at me for a long time, and the two older man stared at us, too. When he heaved a sigh and released the tension from his shoulder blades, a huge wave of relief surge through me.

"Aalis na ako." tipid niyang wika.

I nodded, tears glistening at the corner of my eyes. Andami-dami ko pang gustong sabihin sa kaniya pero hindi ko magawa. He stuck his trembling fists to the pockets of his slacks, throw me one last look, and then walked away.

Baba-jan glared at me. Mabilis akong umalis upang hindi na niya ako mahawakan o makausap. When I showed myself up again, the guests are showering me with coins as a celebration of the wedding. I put on a tiniest smile to please them. Levi and Zoey are watching me silently, refusing to join the fun.

His words rang inside of my head. Alam kong kahit kailan ay hindi na iyon mawawala sa isipan ko. And I know it's going to be a lifetime sin of mine to continue loving Zeus after I've pledged to Allah, and in front of the witnesses, that I will be a faithful wife to Malik.

The reception was just a blur of events to me. I danced with Malik and stayed away from my father the entire day. I smiled at the guests who congratulated me but because of the extreme fatigue and unwillingness to be in this wedding, it appeared trite to most of them.

I have never been exhausted in my entire life. I was hurting, but for some reason, no tears would escape my eyes. Maybe I've drained it already from crying endlessly. The dull pain continued to pound my heart.

At the first touch of the soft mattress when the wedding was finally done, I closed my eyes and buried my face to the soft pillow. Pinilit ko ang sarili na umiyak, kahit papaano ay mailabas ko ang sama ng loob at ang sakit na nararamdaman pero wala talagang luha na lumalabas.

I think wanting to cry when hurting is a lot more painful than simply shedding your tears away.

Curling up on the bed, I stared miserably at the window. The image of Zeus, his eyes hot with passionate anger and violence, his voice every bit as dangerous when he threatened my father, and the way he protected me earlier... it will all be forever in my heart.

The magic of love.

Napangiti ako nang maalala ko ang sinabi ni Mama-jan. Is this the kind of magic she's talking about? The kind that makes you crazy and out of your mind? The kind of love that's too intense for our young hearts to take and maybe to understand, too.

When the doorknob twisted open and Malik entered the room, I sat up straight on bed. Bigla akong kinabahan. He looks tired, too. I was too consumed with my own sadness that I didn't notice he didn't like what was happening too.

He tried to smile, and failed. "Are you tired?"

Tumango ako.

He nodded, too. "Go on and change." Then Malik stared awkwardly at the room and scratched the back of his neck. "I'll just take the couch I guess."

I stared at him, not knowing what to react.

"I'll get something to drink, too." He murmured.

Tumango ulit ako. Malik headed for the door. He opened it and stayed still for a few seconds. Nilingon niya ako.

"And Naia?"

I stared at him. A ghost of friendly smile touched his lips.

"Don't bother taking off your hijab. Keep wearing it. We both know that I'm not the man who's supposed to see you with your hair down."

Stunned, I could only gaze at him. Malik quietly closed the door and left me alone in the room again.

The life-size mirror sitting at the corner of the room caught my attention. Pulling myself up, I walked towards it and stared at myself – clad in a wedding gown and brokenhearted at my own wedding night.

I gazed at the moon, twinkling beautifully against the mauve sky. Isa lang ang laman ng isip ko ng mga oras na iyon. Si Zeus.

I know this summer is going to be so lonely. And I realized that sadness can be addicting as nicotine. I have never been addicted to sadness until I lost him.