Chapter 16

"Parvana..."

Before Malik could touch my arms, I jerked and jumped away from him, my eyes flashing in sudden alarm and irritation.

He sighed. Then withdrew his hands and stared somewhere else but me. He's just as sad as I am, which makes me feels worse about hating him.

"Your mother is looking for you."

Isang marahang tango lang ang isinagot ko sa kaniya at walang imik na pumasok sa bahay. My father and the men of Datu Kiram are busy preparing for the wedding tomorrow. The Datu delivered the finest silks in the house, a chest full of jewels, gold coins, and lots of good food. There were glass sandals, too. My mother tried to cheer me up by checking out the luxury items we received from the noble family, but to no avail because I am not interested in any of it.

"Parvana..."

I turned and saw Mama-jan. A ghost of rueful smile appeared on her lips as she stepped and pulled me into a hug.

"Are you feeling alright, my little bride?"

Sa sinabi niya'y nangilid ang mga luha sa mata ko. There's no use of lying. Everyone knows that I do not wish to be wed. Everyone except Datu Kiram. He is very enthusiastic and wishes the best for the two of us. He'd told me of the life as a princess, a part of the royal family, and how lucky I am to be his son's wife. He thinks I am enamored by the riches of the world and told me tales about it. I listened to him with a half heart and a fake smile, but could never bring myself to imagine living in luxury. There is no way I could be happy with this.

"Can I talk to you for a second?"

I nodded, relieved that I wouldn't have to be with Baba in sorting out all the jewels and silks and coins we received from the Datu. The rubies and the glass beads, however much it gleams, did not interest me. Mama-jan gently pulled me inside the room.

"Are you okay?"

Hindi na ako nag-abalang magsinungaling pa. Marahan kong iniling ang ulo ko at tumungo.

She stared at me with eyes etched in worry. Mama-jan pulled me into a hug and murmured. "I hate to see you like this..."

"Mama-jan..." my voice broke. "What good is a marriage if we don't love each other?"

She pulled back and cupped both of my cheeks. "I really can't answer that, Parvana. When I married your father, I was head over heels in love with him. And so is he with me."

"Then why can't he understand the concept of love?"

"Oh, he does understand..." she smiled sadly at me and kissed my brow. "That's why he's doing this."

"Forcing me into a marriage I don't even want?"

"Securing your future, dear."

"But I don't love him..."

"I know. You love someone else."

I lifted my gaze at her, stunned. Mama-jan only smiled at me with her motherly smile and squeezed my arms.

"I saw the way that Zeus boy stares at you, and how you glow with enthusiasm every time you speak of him. I can see my young self at you when I was once in love with your father."

"Mama-jan..."

"Listen very well, Parvana. It's amazing at how such a young age, you encountered this kind of love. This is magic. And it needs no explanation. You just keep this magic in your heart and I assure you, neither Datu Kiram or your Baba-jan can steal it away from you. Treasure the feeling, the heartbreak, the bliss, and the pain, Parvana. Zeus will stay in your heart forever."

Tears streamed my eyes. I wiped it gently and I nodded at my mother. She kissed both of my cheeks. When I turned, I saw two glaring headlights of a car nearing our house. When it died, the swaying figure of Zeus climbed out of the car and stared darkly at our house. His eyes narrowed in angry slits as he struggled to keep himself balanced and swore several times.

My heart leapt to my throat. "Mama-jan, pupuntahan ko lang po si Zeus sa labas."

She nodded quietly as I hurried out of the room. I ran past my father and some of the Datu's men crowding our living room. When I reached outside, Malik was already approaching Zeus cautiously.

A gasp was caught in my throat when he yanked the front of Malik's shirt and blow a hard punch on his face. His eyes are red with anger, his lips curling in a violent manner as he punched him again.

"Zeus!"

I tried to keep my voice calm and steady, for I don't want to steal the attention of my Baba or anyone inside the house. Inilapat ko ang kamay sa nanginginig niyang braso upang tigilan ang sunod niyang pagsuntok kay Malik. I winced when I saw blood spurting out of his nose while he thrashed on the ground under Zeus' weight.

"You motherfucker..." he swore again but tensed when my palm made contact with his skin. He turned to me sharply. Nang makita niyang nangingilid ang mga luha ko ay marahas niyang pinakawalan ang collar ni Malik at hinayaan siyang mapahiga sa lupa.

"Let go of him, Zeus... please..." I told him in almost a whisper.

He hesitated for a second, before he dusted off his pants and pulled himself up. Tinulungan kong makatayo si Malik. I whispered sorry to him as I helped him wipe the blood off his nose.

"Ako na ang bahala sa kaniya. Bumalik ka na sa loob, Malik..." bulong ko.

He nodded quietly and retreated back to the house. Hinintay ko muna siyang makapasok nang tuluyan bago ko binalingan si Zeus. He smells so strongly of beer and cigarette. I wiped my tears in front of him and tugged the hem of his shirt.

"Let's talk."

He dropped his gaze. I could see the guilt pooling in his eyes as I gently drag him towards the back of the vehicle. I let go of his shirt when we were out of sight from our house and stood a few feet away from him.

"What are you doing here, Zeus? Bukas pa ang kasal, ah?" I tried to joke, but instantly regretted it when I saw a fresh wave of pain surged through his face. He looks strained, tired, and weary. I feel really guilty that I caused him this misery.

He ran a hand throughout his damp hair and swore again.

"Zeus..."

"Putangina." He swore as his eyes once again darkened with anger. "Ikakasal ka talaga sa batang yun? Naia?" he gripped both of my shoulders. Halos yugyugin na niya ako. "What the hell is going on? Bakit ngayon mo lang 'to sinabi sa akin? Bakit ngayon kung kailan..." he trailed off and swallowed violently.

My shoulders are aching as I lifted a few inches from the ground because of his brute strength, but I made no protest. I let him hold me like that while blinking back the tears.

"I'm sorry, Zeus..." basag ang boses kong wika.

He let go of me, as his hands balled into fists. "Tangina. Bakit ka nagso-sorry? Para saan ang sorry na yan?"

Suminghot-singhot ako. I really couldn't stand watching him hurting all over like this. Para akong pinapatay nang ilang ulit. I took a step and reached for his face. His features instantly softened. Using my thumb, I caressed and made small circles on his cheeks as more tears blurred my vision. I know what I'm doing right now isn't right. But I couldn't help myself. And the fear that it might be the last time I'm allowed to touch him dawned on me and terrified me.

He placed a hand over mine and stared at my face. Namumula ang sulok ng mga mata niya. Sweat had traveled from his forehead, to the sides of his face, and disappeared in the collar of his shirt.

"Hindi ba talaga tayo pwede?" halos pabulong na niyang wika sa akin. I wanted to sob at the hopelessness in his voice. He sounded so lost, brokenhearted... so fragile.

I shook my head weakly. "Hindi pwede, Zeus..."

"Kahit ipaglaban kita sa kanila?" humigpit ang hawak niya sa kamay ko.

"It will be Allah whom you will be fighting against with."

His body tensed again. He pressed a heel of his hand to his eyes and sucked in a shaky breath. Then he laughed humorlessly.

"Putangina, Naia. Hindi ako nagkakaganito sa babae... sa iyo lang... ikaw pa lang... putangina talaga..."

"Zeus..." I cried harder. He's making it difficult for the two of us! I could've dealt with it better if he's mad at me. Not like this. Not when he's hurting all over and I can do nothing to soothe the pain.

He blinked back his own tears. "Hanggang bisita lang talaga ako sa kasal mo, ano?" he laughed again, but without humor. And it was the saddest laugh I've ever heard that it broke my heart all over again.

"Hanggang bisita ka lang."

"Good thing I brought you a wedding gift."

"Huh?"

He let go of my hands and opened the door of his car's backseat. Zeus pulled something. A ratty plush toy of a lion. The edges are worn out, telling me tales of the many years it had been with him. He handed it to me.

"This is a wedding gift?" natatawa kong tanong sa basag na boses.

He scratched his jaw and then nodded stiffly. "Yes."

I stared at the plush toy. It looks very worn out yet I could feel the sentimental value of this toy to him. I lifted a gaze at him.

"This looks important to you. Are you sure you want to give it to me?"

"You're more important to me."

Natahimik ako sa sinabi niya. I let my brain absorb it for a few seconds before I nodded my head and wrapped an arm around the plush toy. "I'll keep it and take care of it."

"Good."

Huminga ako nang malalim at pinilit na pakalmahin ang sarili. So this is goodbye, huh?

Taking a step back, I studied him. The raven hair, the cruel line of his shadowed jaw, the expressive eyes, and the thin lips. I'm not sure I still have a right to see him during the summer after I'm wed tomorrow. He'll probably don't want to see me. He maybe forced to attend my wedding, too.

"You don't have to go tomorrow if you couldn't..." I murmured.

"Who says I'm not going?"

"Zeus..." I closed my eyes. Humigpit ang hawak ko sa plush toy. I know inviting him to my own wedding is such a big mistake. Masasaktan lang siya. Magkakasakitan lang kaming dalawa.

Please don't go. I'm thorough hurting you.

"I'm gonna go..." he said and shoved both of his hands at the pockets of his jeans. Bahagya pa ring nanginginig ang katawan niya. Gone is the almighty Zeus that I've adored before. All I see is a lost, vulnerable man in front of me. And all I wanted is to hug the pain away from him if I could.

"Alright."

"Luluwas din ako ng Davao pagkatapos nito. We're arranging the papers as soon as we can."

I nodded my head.

"And... forget about what I said of visiting you during weekends. Mukhang malabong mangyari iyon."

Parang sinasaksak nang ilang beses ang puso ko sa sinabi niya. Pero nanatili pa rin akong nakangiti at tumatango.

"Hindi na kita ulit makikita?"

He shrugged. "You'll still see me. Now and then. Uuwi naman ako dito para bisitahin ang mga magulang at kapatid ko."

"I see."

"Good."

We were engulfed in a few seconds of silence. Our eyes spoke to each other. There was so much to say, but I couldn't bring myself to say it. Alam kong marami din siyang gustong sabihin sa akin pero pinipigilan niya lang ang sarili.

"Uuwi na ako..." sa wakas ay paalam niya.

I nodded again. "Drive safe."

A muscle in his jaw twitched as he watched me bitterly. He nodded and then turned, before opening the driver's door. Ngunit hindi siya pumasok. Nanatili lang na nakapatong ang kamay niya sa dulo ng pintuan. I watched him. Binalingan ako ni Zeus.

"I can't even hug you, right?"

Mapait akong umiling. "You can't."

He let out a throaty laugh. "Right."

When he still remained standing next to his car, not knowing what to do, my body trembled. It took all my courage and the stinging thought that I'll regret this if I'm not going to do this.

"Zeus..."

Nilingon niya ulit ako. I swallowed the distance between the two of us and immediately wrapped my shaky arms around his hard torso. At first, his entire body tensed at the contact. After a few seconds, he relaxed and hugged me back.

This just feels so right. Being in his arms. It feels so right and I don't want to let go of him. The warmth that radiated from his body seeped deep into my bones and warmed my aching heart.

Naramdaman kong humigpit ang yakap niya sa akin. He buried his face on my hijab and pulled me closer, as if I'm going to vanish any second. His strength is crushing me with the tightness of his hug, yet it's telling me how much he doesn't want to let go of me the way I don't to him. Our hearts pounded and thundered against each other. Zeus' shoulders broke into a silent sob. Before I knew it, I could feel the hot liquid soaking my silky scarf as he tightened the hug to the point that I couldn't almost breathe.

"Is this how we end, Naia? You getting married with another man? Ganito nalang ba talaga tayo? Hindi talaga pwede?"

"I'm sorry..." I cried at the desperation in his voice. If only I could do something... anything that could take his pain away. But I couldn't. I am as impotent as him in this situation. Allah knows how much I want to stop him from hurting. He doesn't deserve this kind of hurt.

Ang mahigpit niyang hawak at pigil na hikbi ang bumalot sa gabing iyon. I held him tight, letting him know that however much it hurts, I'm going to be there for him. At least for tonight.

Zeus didn't pull away even after he started to calm down. I could feel him wiping his tears at the back of my head and when I tried to pull away, he only pulled me closer. He doesn't want me to see him cry.

"It's fucking embarrassing..." he swore again. "Hold still."

I nodded and giggled like a child, despite how painful our situation is right now. Matapos ang ilang segundo ay dahan-dahan na siyang kumalas. His neck and his face are flushed, and his red-rimmed eyes are misty with the tears earlier.

"Umuwi ka na sa inyo..." banayad kong wika. I reached for his arm and squeezed it. "You should rest."

He ran his fingers through his hair and then nodded. If he looks tired earlier, now he looks drained and exhausted. I wanted to hug him again, but I don't want to risk another fist of tears for him. I don't even deserve the tears he shed for me.

Instead, I just reached for his soft hair, my fingers playing with the soft curls that fell on his forehead, then I pushed it back and attempted a cheerful smile.

"Wear your best suit tomorrow, okay? And tell Zoey to stop crying, too. I'll expect the three of you – Zoey and Levi tomorrow at my wedding."

"Yeah..." his voice came raspy from his swollen throat, tired from cursing and crying.

"Go home now, Zeus. Tita Belle must be looking for you."

He nodded silently and then climbed inside. I waved at him as he pulled his car out. He stared at me for a few seconds before a thin, tired smile appeared on his lips. Then he was speeding off and disappearing into darkness.

Nang mawala na siya sa paningin ko ay doon pa ako tinamaan ng sobrang sakit. If I'd break down earlier too, in front of him, I know it will double the pain for him. I clutched my throbbing chest. Humigpit ang hawak ko sa laruang ibinigay niya sa akin.

"Parvana..."

"I'd like to be alone, Malik, please." I said in almost a whisper.

He didn't respond right away. I could only feel his presence lingering at the back before he cleared his throat and murmured something. Then he was walking back to the house.

Pinakalma ko muna ang sarili ko bago ako pumasok sa bahay. Baba-jan is serving the serfs and other wealthy friends of Datu his finest drink as they celebrated. He called me and I dared ignore him as I went straight to my room.

Bumagsak ako sa kama at doon na tumulo ang mga luha ko. Tahimik lang akong umiyak. I curled up in the bed and snatched the ratty toy he'd given me. I pulled it to my chest and hugged it, closing my tired eyes. My throat feels dry and burnt from all the crying. I know I'll look tired and exhausted tomorrow at the wedding, and I know that it wouldn't please the Datu or any of his wealthy friends or my Baba but I couldn't care less.

While positivity is a choice, happiness is something you couldn't achieve by choice alone. Sometimes, however much you tried to be enthusiastic, if things are falling apart before your eyes, you'll still feel miserable. If it hurts, it hurts. There's no going around and escaping the pain. At 14, this realization must be the hardest pill to swallow but I needed to.

All I know that night was that I am hurting, so is Zeus, and I just wanted the pain to stop. Not just for me but for the two of us. I want it to stop and bring back the things the way it was before.