Chapter 15

Sometimes, even a few minutes of waiting can feel like it's being stretched into a lifetime when you're anxious. I've never been this impatient of hearing the sound of the clock ticking as I sat restless on the bench, waiting for Zeus outside the station.

Tahimik lang akong nakaupo. Gusto ko man siyang puntahan sa loob ay hindi pwede. Pinagsabihan na niya akong maghintay sa labas. Kasama niya ngayon ang kaniyang abogado habang si Nigel naman ay maiging nakabantay sa akin.

My fast-paced life came into a halt as I watched the drops of rain falling from the gloomy sky. Tumingala ako at dinama ang kauna-unahang patak ng ulan na humalik sa aking pisngi.

"Ma'am, pasok po muna tayo. Mukhang uulan po..." usal ni Nigel na hindi ko pinakinggan kaagad.

I stared at the sky, a huge storm brewing as dark clouds accumulated, preparing to nourish the earth with rain. Nigel's calm orders faded into murmurs as I heard heavy footsteps from a distance. Ilang segundo pa lamang ay naramdaman ko na kaagad ang mainit at may kabigatang jacket na ipinatong sa aking mga balikat. I turned and saw Zeus watching me intently, his hands still rested on my shoulder blades.

"It's raining..."

"I know." I replied in a murmur. Isang hilaw na ngiti ang inalay ko sa kaniya.

"I've already filed a restraining order. He can't touch you anymore..."

Para akong batang nakasunod sa kaniya habang iginigiya niya ako patungo sa naghihintay na sasakyan. Hindi makatingin sa amin si Nigel, marahil ay nahihiya dahil hinayaan akong mabasa ng ulan nang konti. I tried to smile at him to assure him that it's okay, but he wouldn't even meet my eyes. Malalim ang kunot ng noo ni Zeus, mukhang naiirita na pilit itinatago ang namumuong galit.

I reached for his arms. Marahas niya akong nilingon. Pati siya, nginitian ko din.

"Ayos lang talaga ako, Zeus. Stop frowning. Like you said, he can't touch me anymore."

Tinitigan niya ako, tinitimbang ang bigat ng aking mga salita. I tried to drag out a new series of words from my mouth but I failed, and so I kept silent and stared back at him. Mayamaya pa ay bumuga siya ng isang malalim na hininga.

"I know. That asshole can never touch even the edge of your hijab again."

Matagal ko siyang tinitigan. Now I could see the storm in his eyes. And looking at those paradise made me think of knights and darkness and strength. A cold war.

I remembered when he once told me that he liked seeing me in a white hijab and abaya for it made me looked so ethereal. And I've never been touched by a man's words until then.

Sure enough, I grew up hearing compliments from people who surrounded me. My being an Indonesian-Filipino blessed me with soft features but I've never really considered myself beautiful. But when he called me beautiful, with a small smile tugging on his lips and his eyes brimming with so much love, that was the first time I felt really lovely. Hindi ko ata makakalimutan ang araw na iyon.

"Naia..."

I dragged my gaze away from the city lights and turned to him. He looked like someone who stepped out from a retro movie with the neon lights pulsing behind him. Kalahati ng kaniyang katawan ay nakaharap sa akin at seryoso ang kaniyang titig.

"Hmm?"

"Your father is a good and righteous man."

I didn't even bother to hide the shock across my face upon hearing those words. Tinitigan ko siya nang mabuti, medyo nalilito kung ano ang nais niyang ipahiwatig. I don't even have a clue on where this conversation is going.

When I got married to Malik at such a young age, we both hated my father. I tried to understand him at that time, but my young mind couldn't decipher that behind his painful decision is his undying love and devotion for a daughter. It is one of the things that I regret in my entire life – being angry at my father for loving me too much.

And Zeus... he might've said a few harsh words to my father. I thought he never wanted to talk about him in the first place but...

"I was wrong and I am ashamed of what I said to him the last time we meet." A noncommittal grunt escaped from his throat. I could see his silent struggles but didn't dare say a word. Hinayaan ko siyang magsalita.

"I even cursed him for taking away the girl that I loved..."

Pumungay ang kaniyang mga mata. He reached for my hands and brought it to his lips, kissing my knuckles.

"Baby, I was wrong in so many things about your father..."

Tumango ako nang marahan.

"Now that I am a Muslim man, I finally understood why he did what he did. If I am going to have a daughter, she'd be my life and my everything. I'll do anything for her. I'd love her just like how your father loved you..."

Uminit ang sulok ng mga mata ko. Talking about my parents still made me so emotional. I might not have the greatest memories with them, but I know I have the best parents in the world.

Stunned by his words, I stared at him with emotions filling up every inch of me until my chest feels like it's about to explode. I bit my lower lip and took a deep breath, trying to calm myself.

"Naia..." he touched my hands gently again. Pinilit niyang pagtagpuin ang mga mata naming dalawa. "Don't you think your father deserves justice?"

"Zeus..."

"You're too kind-hearted for your own good, Naia. We both know that your father didn't do it. Yet, he was punished for it and died because of a wrongful accusation."

"Matagal nang wala si Baba, Zeus..." mahinahon kong wika sa kaniya.

"I know. But still... I want to prove your father's innocence."

I gently touched his shoulders and was surprised to feel how tensed he is right now. Humugot ako ulit ng isang malalim na hininga bago mataman ko siyang tinitigan sa mga mata.

"I've long forgiven the family who has wronged us, Zeus. My father, you are right, is a very good man. Alam kong hindi niya magagawa iyon. At alam kong kung nasaan man siya ngayon, masaya na siya sa kinahinatnan ko. His daughter is now a teacher. She can fund herself and can live by herself. I don't need a man to support me. But that's not my point. What I want to tell you is that, I don't want to relive my painful past again. I trusted Allah with all my heart and I know He only has the power to punish someone. Even if he insists, for the rest of his life, that it was my father who killed his daughter, and even if he couldn't find the forgiveness in his heart for the rest of his life, I believe that's something I have no power over with. Proving my father's innocence would be useless now. Wala na siya. Napatawad ko na din sila sa nagawa nila sa pamilya ko."

"Habibti..." he grunted.

"Zeus... please?" mahina kong usal sa kaniya. "People always say rest in peace when someone dies..." ibinagsak ko ang tingin ko sa mga kamay kong bahagyang nanginginig. "But why must we only rest in peace? Why must we only have the peace when we close our eyes for good? Can't we live in peace, too? I want to live and rest in peace, Zeus."

I could see the war sweeping across his face. I could even hear the weapons of words that he's about to throw at me, the hum of logics and reasons that he wanted to say, and the attack of his rebuttal. But instead, he shut his eyes close. Mariin ang pagkakadikit ng kaniyang mga labi. His eyes remained close for a few seconds and when he fluttered his orbs open, the war is gone.

"Okay. I understand."

Gulat akong nakatitig sa kaniya. When I expected him to yell his argument at me, he didn't. Malumanay na ngayon ang kaniyang mga mata at punong-puno ng pag-uunawa.

"I understand." He repeated and pulled me closer, kissing my temples. Then, he murmured, "I'm sorry for even suggesting it in the first place. I know you loved your father so much. I'm just... frustrated."

Marahan akong tumango. And again, my heart is touched with his simple gesture. The understanding. I've been yelled at, humiliated, and mocked for my humble perspective of the world. Madami na ding nakapagsabi na masyado akong mabait. Some even went as far as saying that I'm just lazy. But no. this is just who I am. And I'm not afraid to stand my ground even if it opposes what the man I love wants. Being with him doesn't always mean agreeing with him. We are still separate individuals, after all.

I'm doing this for my own peace of mind.

"But I'm not going to let you get hurt again by some unreasonable asshole. I am ordering Nigel to keep an eye of you wherever you go. Sa tuwing inaalis ko ang paningin ko sa iyo, palagi ka nalang napapahamak."

Ngumuso ako at ihinilig ang aking ulo sa kaniyang dibdib. Dinig na dinig ko ang mahinang pintig ng kaniyang puso. I smiled to myself. At least, he's calm now.

When we reached home, I excused myself to retire in my bedroom. I suddenly craved the solitude and wanted to be alone with my thoughts. Nirespeto naman iyon ni Zeus at hinayaan akong mapag-isa sa aking kwarto.

I opened the large windows and stared at the magnificent yet lonely view of the garden. The sweet smell of flowers and the damp grass from the recent rain allures me downstairs. Pero nanatili pa rin akong nakatayo at nakatitig sa kawalan.

Not agreeing to someone else's judgement should not be labeled as stubborn. Some people decide based on how they feel while others tend to stick to their perspective of what is right and what is wrong. And since we all have different beliefs, it's impossible to come into agreement all the time.

In the eyes of other people, I will always be the murderer's daughter. My father, having been a Muslim man who went behind bars will always be the one who killed the poor girl. Would the opinion of other people really matter to me? Would I feel validated if they're in favor of me?

I don't think so.

I hope a lot of people realizes this. That your self-worth is not based on someone else's validity. You need to own your judgement, your authenticity, and stand in what you believe in. A lot of people will always have something to say on how you live your life. This is where you need to master the art of ignoring, especially if those people don't understand you for who you really are.

We cruised the days slowly. In between taking my medication and attending treatment, we were able to act like a normal couple and Allah knows how much I cherished every moment of it.

"Magluluto ka?"

Nilingon ako ni Zeus. A lazy left-leaning smile appeared on his lips. He licked his lower lip before answering. "Yes."

"Kakarating mo pa lang..." umikot ako sa counter at pinanuod siyang sinusuot ang kulay abong apron. Ang mga dalawang kasambahay ay tahimik lamang na nanunuod sa tabi. "Hindi ka ba pagod?"

"Someone told me that my baby's craving for lasagna." Kumawag ang kaniyang kilay at nginisihan ulit ako. Uminit ang mga pisngi ko sa nakita. "So, I went home early to fix our dinner."

I scratched my left cheek. I might've mentioned it to Nigel on the other day. Bored na bored na kasi ako at walang ginagawa kaya kinakausap ko na lamang siya. I wasn't expecting that he'd really tell it to Zeus. Well, after all, his allegiance is on Zeus.

"Sigurado kang hindi ka pagod?"

"I'm fine, habibti. Just take a seat and I'll prepare the ingredients."

Nangingiti akong tumango at pinanuod siyang ekspertong gumagalaw sa kusina. Even the way he reaches for the cupboard is so sexy to me. Hindi naman siya mukhang pagod kaya hinayaan ko na din. Minsan kasi ay madaling araw na siyang nakakauwi dahil sa kanilang practice. May mga performance show din silang inaasikaso kaya naiintindihan ko kung minsan ay paggising ko wala na siya sa bahay.

"Gusto kong bumalik sana sa pagtuturo," usal ko. Zeus suddenly went tensed and stopped chopping the bell pepper. Before he could react, I beat him to it. "Once the treatment is over, Zeus." Pagkaklaro ko. "Babalik ako sa pagtuturo."

Nag-aalangan niya pa rin akong tinitigan. "Yes... but you'll have to recover properly before I let you wear your uniform again."

Nginitian ko siya. "Yes, I will. Gagaling ako at babalik ako sa pagtuturo. Namimiss ko na si Baste, si Nikka, si Yna, tsaka si Owen."

"I'm sure they'll be glad to have you back."

Napangiti ulit ako sa pagsang-ayon niya sa akin. Hindi na ako umimik pa at tahimik siyang pinanuod habang nagluluto siya. Naaliw akong tingnan siyang sobrang concentrated sa kaniyang ginagawa. It's as if he's solving the most difficult math problem there is or trying to hack into US government system. And his brows would furrow that creates a tiny ridge between his deep-set eyes that I found so adorable.

Half an hour later, the kitchen was filled with the mouth-watering smell of melted cheese and grounded beef. My stomach grumbled. I got up to prepare the both of us each cup of coffee while he was busy setting the plates on the table.

"Malik called other day..." ani ko habang inilalapag ang mug ng kape. Natigilan saglit si Zeus at binalingan ako. I smiled tightly at him.

"Anong sabi?" nakakunot ang noo niyang tanong sa akin.

"Nangangamusta lang."

"Sabihn mo okay na okay ka sa piling ko na hindi na niya kailangang mangamusta," may bakas ng pambubuskang sagot niya sa akin.

I chuckled. Zeus is already in his 30's but sometimes he can answer like that of an 18-year old hormonal teenage boy.

"Stop getting jealous of him." Malambing kong wika at niyakap siya patalikod. He tensed for a bit before he softened and held both of my hands on his stomach.

"I'm not jealous..." medyo naiirita pa niyang sagot.

Natawa ulit ako. Nang kumalas ako sa yakap ay ginawaran niya ng halik ang aking noo.

"Bakit naman ako magseselos sa lalaking iyon? You are in my house and you are mine." He said in a murmur.

Nakikilit ako sa init ng kaniyang bibig kaya bahagya akong lumayo, pero hindi pa rin nawawala ang munting ngiti sa aking labi.

"Let's just eat, Zeus."

It was his turn to chuckle. He dragged the chair for me and let me sit before he circled the other side and settled down.

Tahimik kaming nagsimulang kumain. Iniisip ko pa rin kung paanong makakadalaw ako kay Tamara gayong pinagbawalan na ako ng doktor na bumyahe sa malalayong lugar. I told her that I will visit Sulu soon, and it breaks my heart that even I am not sure if I can do it.

"Naia..."

Nag-angat ako ng tingin at nakitang nakatitig pala sa akin si Zeus. He's staring at me as if I'm not real kung kaya't kumunot ang noo ko.

"Bakit?"

Napailing siya. A crooked smile tugged on his lips. "Wala. May sinisigurado lang?"

"Ano?"

Tinitigan ulit ako ni Zeus. This time, I put down my utensils because I felt like he has something to say.

"Na akin ka."

"Ano?"

"Sinisigurado ko lang na akin ka." Pag-uulit niya sa kalmadong boses. "It's such a cliché story, if you'd ask me. A bad boy falling in love with a good girl."

"I'm not really a good girl, Zeus."

His chest vibrated in laughter. "Yes, you are. You don't drink, you don't party, and you always go home in time. You respect your parents and every other living organism even as small as an ant. And you're always looking for the inner beauty of someone. You always told me to trust in Allah, and so I did."

Napangiti ako sa sinabi niya.

"And you always smile in that kind smile of yours. Maybe it's one of the reasons why I fell in love with you. But sometimes..." nanginig ang kaniyang balikat sa pag-ugong muli ng kaniyang panglalaking tawa. "Sometimes just merely looking at you makes me feel guilty."

"Guilty? Why?"

"Why do I have such an amazing, passionate woman by my side? I've been a very bad boy most of my life. And yet, here you are, laughing and eating my burnt lasagna with me."

My cheeks reddened. He's right. The lasagna is burnt but I don't have the heart to tell him when he's exerted much effort into preparing it for me.

"It's like marrying a saint, Naia..." he said in a whisper.

"A saint?" now it was my turn to laugh.

Sumeryoso ang kaniyang mukha at tumango. He reached for my hand and stared at me seriously.

"Naia...?"

"Hmm?"

"Let's get married."

Humilab ang aking dibdib sa narinig. Here we are, eating late dinner, and he's still wearing the gray apron, asking me to marry him. There are no flowers, no grand gestures, and certainly no ring but for some reason... it felt really magical. With him, everything felt like a fairytale.

"Zeus..."

"I just realized something..." humugot siya ng isang malalim na hininga at mas hinigpitan ang pagkakahawak sa kamay ko. "I don't ever want to lose you. I want you next to me for the rest of my days. I want that good girl in high school who volunteers in a soup kitchen to be my wife. I want that naïve girl who don't know how to party to be the mother of my children. I want that passionate woman who travels to remote places just to volunteer teaching indigenous children to carry my name. I want you, Parvana Naia Bukhari to be my wife and my everything."

A lump formed in my throat. Pulang-pula na siguro ang mga mata ko ngayon. Nanginginig ang mga labi kong dahan-dahan akong tumango. Pati si Zeus ay nagiging emosyonal na rin.

"You're right." my voice croaked. "Let's get married."

I've never seen his eyes glow in contentment like this. He nodded and leaned in for a hard kiss. I closed my eyes as the warmth of his lips lingered even after he pulled away.

"Kumain na tayo." Aniya na hindi natatanggal ang ngiti sa mga labi.

I nodded again as I'm about to explode in so much happiness. It was just a simple night for the two of us and the proposal is not something that can be written in romantic novels for it is too... plain and even unromantic for some.

But I was certain that night... so certain that I am going to marry the right Muslim man.