Chapter 11

With the tip of my fingertips, I traced the small face of Zeus and felt a jolt of electricity as I stared at the polaroid picture that was taken several days ago at the beach. A small smile tugged on my lips. I could feel life vibrating throughout the picture. The longer I stared at it, the more it comes to life.

My white hijab was almost washed out by the glaring sun in the picture. A soft look of surprise took over my face when Levi suddenly appeared, a polaroid camera on his hand, and yelled 'Smile!' to the two of us while we were talking.

A lazy smile crept up to Zeus' face as he stared back at the camera. His eyes are deadly but his careless smile announced youth and rebellion on his looks. While I looked so stunned and disconcerted at the front.

Humiga ako sa kama at patuloy na tinitigan ang tanging litrato naming dalawa. Nang una itong ibinigay sa akin ni Levi ay halos hindi ko na ito pakalawan. It burned at the pocket of my pleated skirt and felt so heavy in my arms.

I like how he kept his distance from me but also made me feel safe at the same time. Anyone who would see the picture would just assume that it's a stolen shot of a young Muslim girl talking to someone. I'm glad that it failed to capture the tears glistening at my eyes that time. Only the emotions that I am trying to suppress at the pit of my stomach.

Huminga ako nang malalim at ipinikit ang mga mata. How could I go crazy with this single picture? Zeus may never even have a knowledge of this picture in the first place. Mabilis niyang pinaalis si Levi nang ma-disturbo kaming dalawa sa dagat.

"Anong gusto mong maging?"

"Gusto kong maging? Hmm elementary teacher siguro."

"Bakit?"

"Bakit hindi?" I laughed softly. "It's fun teaching young children. I like children."

"Really?" his eyes darkened at my words that for a second, I wondered if I said something wrong. Something that would stir thoughts to his mind. But I couldn't find it. I frowned a bit and then nodded.

"I can't imagine you being a mother," he chuckled softly. "Masyado ka pang.... bata sa paningin ko."

"14 is already a marriageable age in Muslim, Zeus."

Bahagyang umawang ang bibig niya sa gulat. He stared at me with parted lips and drilling eyes.

"You're marriageable?"

I nodded at him and smiled. "Yes."

"Damn."

I relived his soft cursing inside of my head. The way the breeze had caressed his messy locks and the way his toes dug into the warm sand. Those were stolen moments of us together. And it pains me to think that we may never have something like that again. We need to control ourselves before emotions control us. We cannot be slaves of what we're feeling towards each other or it will lead to a tragedy.

"Sama ka sa amin, Ate Naia?"

I shook my head. "May gagawin ako sa Sabado." I lied.

Zeus stared intently at me. He knows I'm lying. And he knows why. Nakatitig lang siya sa akin habang marahang nginunguya ang kaniyang bubble gum. Zoey shot me a knowing look, too.

"Pwede ka namang umuwi nang maaga, eh. Dad and I are going to set fireworks!"

"Ayos lang talaga, Levi..."

"Huwag mo nang pilitin, Levi!" bulyaw naman ni Zoey sa kaniya.

He pouted. Medyo sumikip ang dibdib ko sa pagtanggi sa kaniya. I badly want to go. Tita Belle personally invited me herself but I rejected her, too. I just can't risk being alone with Zeus again. I'm afraid of what my emotions could make me do. I could feel the last thread of my control slipping out of my hands and I could do nothing about it. Sobrang natatakot ako sa pwedeng mangyari kaya't hangga't kaya ko... iiwas ako.

Kontento na ako sa naging pag-uusap namin noong nasa dagat kami. Sa isang polaroid photo naming dalawa na nagpapatunay na minsan kaming nagkasama. Sa mumunting usapan namin na pinagaan saglit ang loob ko at nakalimutang hindi nga pala kami pwede.

It would be a fool of me to desire more than that. I should be contented with what we have. Stolen moments are all we have a right for. We have no right to be together alone, as long as we cannot tame our raging emotions.

I took another deep breath again. Dapat ay kanina pa ako bumangon pero hindi ko magawa. I could imagine the busy buzz of the Ferrer's house today. Wedding anniversary ng mga magulang niya kaya naman magpapahanda sila. Zoey and some of his friends at school will be there. They would celebrate it by the beach and later on that night, they would set the fireworks soaring into the mauve sky, exploring in colors and life.

Iniling ko ang ulo ko. I'm not going to go there. I shouldn't go there. Even with the many people surrounding us, I know that the two of us will find a way to be alone and that I am most scared of. This strange feeling has occupied my heart and is weighing me down for the longest of time. Kung tutuusin ay kakakilala ko pa lang sa kaniya pero ganito na ang intensidad ng nararamdaman ko. Nakakatakot.

"Nakakatawa talaga si Levi! Parang gago lang eh!"

I smiled at the small screen of Zoey's iphone as she showed me a video clip of Levi and his brother dancing. While Zeus' moves are graceful and totally boyish, Levi is clumsy and is just basically wiggling his lanky arms into the air. Pinagkakatuwaan ata sila ng mga Tita nila. I could hear the roars of laughter in the background. Nakangisi din si Zeus pero kaagad din namang huminto nang mapadako ang tingin sa camera ni Zoey at nalamang kinukunan siya ng video. Nahihiya ata.

Ang cute.

"Sayang talaga at wala ka dun," she locked the screen of her phone when we finished watching the video. Sinuri niya ang mukha ko. "Hinahanap ka nina Tita Belle at Tito Alas."

"May importante kasi akong ginawa nung Sabado."

"Ano?"

I stayed in the bed all day wondering why I felt this way. And why it has to be me of all people.

"Masyadong personal, Zoey..."

She pouted and then nodded in understanding. "Naiintindihan ko." Her stare become suddenly cautious, then she leaned back on her chair. "Mas mabuti na rin siguro na iwasan mo siya, 'no?"

"Hmm. Oo. Siguro. Makakabuti nga..." I said under my breath and turned my gaze away.

Ibinalik ko ang atensiyon sa textbook na binabasa. I tried to focus on it, since our teacher is absent and I should bestowed my vacant time for studying. But all threads of concentration snapped into two when a familiar scent leaked everywhere and tickled my nostrils.

"Zoey..."

Napatuwid ako nang upo. I focused my gaze at the textbook, burning my gaze on the white pages. The words come and go. None were registered into my brain as my entire body freeze at the sound of his voice and his overwhelming presence messing up my system.

I saw his slack-clad legs passing through. Mas lalo akong nanigas. My brain and heart battled for a moment. I tried to smother my raging feelings but I could feel the weight of his stare burning at the back of my head.

"Zeus! Ano? Basketball mamaya?"

Wala akong narinig na sagot mula sa kaniya. Someone dragged the chair and then it was followed by a series of complaints by Zoey. Ako naman ay hindi mapakali at pinipilit ang sarili na magkunwaring hindi interesado sa mga naririnig na boses sa likuran.

"Seryoso ba 'to? Kapag ako pinagtitripan mo lang, Zeus, lagot ka talaga sa akin..."

"Seryoso nga..."

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Nagpatuloy ang usapan nila sa likod. Nang hindi ko makayanan ang presensiya niya ay tumayo ako at mabilis na lumabas ng classroom. I didn't dare to look back at them. Basta't mabilis lang ang lakad ko hanggang sa malampasan ko ang tatlong silid-aralan bago ako nakaabot sa restroom.

I locked myself inside and clutched my chest. Sobrang bilis pa rin ng pintig ng puso ko. I bit my lower lips and then sighed. It's okay, Naia. You can handle it. You can handle him. Ayos lang yan...

Nanatili ako doon ng ilang minuto, iniisip na sa paglabas ko ay wala na si Zeus sa silid-aralan namin. Besides, he still has a class, right? He should not be in our classroom at this time of day!

I licked my unpainted lips wet and then went out when my heart beat slowed down. Kalmado na akong naglalakad ngunit bigla kong gustong tumakbo nang makitang kakalabas pa lang ni Zeus sa classroom namin.

I hesitated, my steps slowing down. He stared at me as he stashed his phone inside his slacks. Zeus in his rangy figure, paused, and then walked languidly. His intense eyes never left mine as he continued to walk towards me.

I opened my mouth, was about to greet him when he walked past me and while pretending he didn't saw me after his intense gaze. Ang kamay kong nasa ere ay dahan-dahang bumagsak. I stared at the floor as his footsteps faded behind me.

Kumalat ulit ang hapdi sa dibdib ko. He must be mad at me. He knows that I'm avoiding him and he must got mad at me. He must think that I'm being self-centered and only cared about my feelings by trying to block him out of my life.

Well, he might be right. I thought bitterly inside of my head. Mas lalo pa atang bumagsak ang puso ko nang lingunin ko ang pinatunguhan siya at nakitang wala nang ibang tao sa corridor bukod sa akin.

Unshed tears from last night threated to burn at the back of my eyes. This is exactly what I want. For him to avoid me. He's making things easier for me. But I couldn't ignore the drilling pain in my chest.

With sagging shoulders and a broken heart, I entered the classroom.

Days of ignoring him turned into weeks and into months as time dragged by. Our interactions are limited and only for the sole purpose of courtesy. We have the same circle of friends, kaya madalas pa rin ang pagkikita naming dalawa.

I thought with Zeus distancing himself from me will help to speed up my coping process but I think it did nothing to heal my crying heart. If anything, I still feel the dull pain digging at the pit of my chest every time I see him or he'd spare me a glance before averting his gaze away.

My futile attempt of deviating against what I truly felt had become a fiasco. It was useless with him around. He's always there everywhere I go and in nights, he occupied my thoughts. I'm not trying to be a clairvoyant, but I guess I assumed I'd lose my feelings for him once I put a safe, important distance between the two of us. I didn't. it was stupid of me to think that I'd actually stop liking him. The only consolation that I have is that he's a graduating student and it will be his last year in our school.

Pagkatapos nito, hindi ko na siya makikita. Kapag nawala na siya nang tuluyan sa buhay ko, mawawala na din ang nararamdaman ko para sa kaniya.

"Excited na ako sa prom natin!" Zoey's high-pitched voice made my ears bleed. I winced before turning to my friend with a half-baked smile. "Sali ka?"

I shrugged. "Hindi ko alam..."

"Bakit? Bawal din ba sa inyo ang um-attend ng prom night?"

"Hindi naman. Baka kasi walang pera si Mama-jan... diba nagsusuot ng magagandang damit tsaka mamahaling sapatos sa prom?"

"Yes. But it's not necessary to wear expensive and designer apparel, Naia. It's a night for fun and excitement. Even a 500-peso dress could look like it was taken straight out of Gucci's collection if you carry it regally. Nasa nagdadala lang yan!"

I smiled at my friend. The excitement of the prom didn't buzz off for the next few days. Everyone is talking about what to wear, who to dance, who to ask out and the likes. Gusto ko mang makisali sa usapan ay hindi ko magawa. Natatakot din akong humingi ng permiso sa mga magulang ko dahil alam kong hindi rin naman nila ako papayagan.

"Eh hindi ka pa nga nagtatanong eh!" Zoey stomped her feet. She started shaking my shoulders. "Sige na, Naia! Malapit nang mag-assign ng makakapartner mo sa prom night. Kapag hindi ka nagpalista, baka hindi ka na makasali sa practice."

I hesitated. Grade 12 students are partnered with Grade 9 students while Grade 11 students will have Grade 10 students. Chances are, I'll be seeing Zeus at the practice. Nasa iisang grupo lamang kami. Hindi naman gaanong karami ang estyudante sa Maryknoll kaya malaki ang tyansa na magkita kami.

"Hindi ko alam..." umiling ako at inayos ang strap ng bag. I gave her a rueful smile. "But I'll try to ask Mama-jan later on."

"Hmm. Sige!" anito at kinawayan ako. "Aasahan ko yan bukas, ha? Kung hindi papayag ang Mama mo, pupuntahan kita sa inyo at ako mismo ang magpapaalam para sa iyo."

Tumawa ako sa sinabi ng kaibigan. I waved goodbye at her, too before she climbed inside the waiting SUV for her. Ako naman ay nag-antay ng tricycle na masasakyan.

Habang pauwi ako sa bahay ay kabado ako. Iniisip ko na kung paano ko dapat kausapin si Mama-jan. Hindi na rin ako umasa na papayagan nila ako, pero susubukan ko pa rin. Wala namang mawawala sa akin kapag nagtanong ako sa kaniya mamaya.

After we've had our daily prayers and dinner, I helped her do the dishes. Nang masiguro kong nasa portico si Baba at nagkakape ay saka ko pa kinausap si Mama-jan.

"Mama-jan... may itatanong lang po sana ako."

"Ano yun?"

I glanced at her. Gaya ko ay umaalon din ang buhok ni Mama-jan. I've seen pictures of her youth, when she was still a Catholic and wears her hair loose. Sobrang ganda niya noong bata pa siya. We shared the same ivory skin and doe-like eyes. The nose and the lips belong to my father's side. But the hair is from my mother. Tuwid na tuwid ang buhok ni Baba at madalas pa itong natatakpan ng suot niyang taqiyah.

"May gaganapin po kasing prom night sa school namin..." simula ko. She stared at me intently. Nagdadalawang isip tuloy ako kung itutuloy ko ba o hindi. I swallowed and turned my gaze to the dishes that I'm drying before I continued. "Baka po sana pwede akong sumali."

"Magkano ba ang registration fee?"

"Php 600 po..."

She paused and then continued washing. The silence made my heart sank. Alam kong hindi siya papayag...

"Gusto mo ba...?"

I stared at her, stunned. Then I nodded my head stiffly.

She smiled at me. "Gagawan natin ng paraan."

"Talaga po?" nagningning ang mga mata ko sa sinabi niya.

"Oo. Ako na ang kakausap sa Baba mo..."

Sa sobrang tuwa ko ay niyakap ko pa sa beywang si Mama-jan kahit basa pa ang mga kamay ko. She chuckled and kissed my hair, before we continued washing the dishes. Bahagyang gumaan ang pakiramdam ko. Just thinking about that night brought a winsome smile to my lips. Boys would be in their suits, their hair would be tamed and girls are going to wear heels. May sayawan, kuwentuhan, at kainan. I'm sure it's going to be fine. Already I was looking forward for the prom night three weeks ahead.

Nang ibalita ko ito kay Zoey kinabukasan ay halos tumalon-talon siya sa tuwa. Pati ako ay natawa sa naging reaksiyon niya. Nagsimula na akong makisali sa usapan nila kung anong susuotin, o mga hula nila kung sino ang makakapartner nila sa sayaw.

Sinamahan ako ni Zoey na magpalista sa office. Apparently, I am the last one to join in our batch. I wrote down my name and discreetly scanned the corresponding list of the grade 12 attendees. Mukhang wala pa ata akong partner.

Tinitigan ko ang listahan at nagtaka nang hindi makita ang pangalan ni Zeus. Hindi man ako magsalita ay alam kong alam ni Zoey kung sino ang hinahanap ko.

"Hindi talaga interesado si Zeus sa ganyang mga bagay..." aniya sa akin sabay tapik. Nagpalaam ako sa guro at lumabas na ng opisina. I turned to her. "Nagpupunta lang siya sa prom nights these past years to perform. Pagkatapos ay nawawala kaagad."

Hindi ako umimik kaagad. He's a socialite. Or so I thought. Ang akala ko ay gusto niya ng mga ganitong bagay. Bahagya akong nagulat sa impormasyong nakalap mula kay Zoey.

Habang nasa gate kami at naghihintay ng masasakyan pauwi, nahagip ng tingin ko ang babaeng nakaupo sa bakal na bench. I stared at her. She wore the same uniform of the girl who I once saw kiss Zeus. O baka siya talaga ito. They share the same posture. Albeit I didn't saw her face that day, staring at this girl today made me realize why Zeus allowed her to kiss him. She looks like a fragile china doll. Small face, jet black hair, and rosy cheeks. Sobrang hinhin at pino ng mga kilos niya. Mukha din siyang mayaman, base sa mga gamit niya at pananamit.

Hindi napansin ni Zoey na nakatitig ako ngayon sa babaeng iyon. When she saw their family's SUV, she tapped my shoulder and waved goodbye. Nagpalaam din ako sa kaniya. Nang balingan ko ang babae ay nakatutok na siya ngayon sa cellphone niya at bahagyang nakangiti. Mayamaya pa ay tumayo siya at naglakad. Sinundan ko siya ng tingin at muntik nang atakihin sa puso sa paglingon ko nang makitang nasa likod pala si Zeus.

Seryoso siyang nakatitig sa akin. The petite girl went to him and greeted him. Nag-isang sulyap lang siya sa babae sa harapan niya at ibinalik ang tingin sa akin. He ignored the enthusiastic attempt of the girl to strike a conversation and continued staring at me. He's being rude towards her, showing the rough edges of a Zeus Vincenticus Ferrer. Nanginig ang mga tuhod ko at pinilit na iniwas ang tingin. Mabilis kong pinara ang unang tricycle na nakita at nakahinga lamang nang maluwag nang umandar na ito at lumayo na kami sa kanila.

I bit my lower lips. The image of the two of them... it knocks the breath out of my throat. Humahapdi ang dibdib kong nakatitig sa daan habang palayo ako nang palayo sa kanila.

Hinilot ko ang humihilab na dibdib. She must be his girlfriend. Someone as pretty as her wouldn't be just a friend of Zeus. Sigurado akong higit pa doon ang namamagitan sa kanilang dalawa. Friends don't kiss. Even teenage couples, shouldn't. It should be reserved to married couples. Touching and kissing and other intimate activities should only be done after they've exchanged their marriage vows and swore before Allah that they're going to be with each other forever.

Ihinilamos ko ang palad sa mukha. Bakit ba kasi ganito ang pinag-iisip ko? I shouldn't be thinking about this kind of things! Masyado pa akong bata para sa mga ganitong bagay.

Three days after I signed for the listing, we started our practice at our gym. The grade 12 and grade 9 students we're gathered. Sa kabilang banda naman ang grade 10 at grade 11 students. Maingay ang gym at maalikabok pa. I stayed silent while Zoey keeps on tugging the sleeves of my white uniform. She keeps on taking selfies with me and then giggling afterwards.

Mayamaya pa ay may ipinakita siya sa akin. It was a conversation of him and Zeus. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko nang sinend niya ang picture naming dalawa! My heart drummed inside of my chest when I saw the three dots appearing and disappearing, indicating that he's typing a reply.

Zeus: Where are you?

Ngumisi si Zoey at nagtype din ng reply. Pinanuod ko ang pag-uusap nilang dalawa.

Zoey: Nasa gym.

Zeus: What's that for?

Zoey: Practice sa prom. Kasali si Naia! :p

Seen 3:45 pm

Ngumuso si Zoey at naghintay pa nang ilang segundo pero hindi na nagreply si Zeus. She shrugged and pocketed her phone. Ako naman ay tumahimik. Nang balikan na kami ng facilitator ay bumalik na din si Zoey sa linya niya.

"Standby ka muna, Bukhari, ha? Naghahanap pa kami ng makakapartner mo. Baka sa Grade 11 nalang kami kumuha kapag may sumobra..." ani Ms. Fern sa akin nang pinaayos niya ang linya. Nasa pinakahuli ako at dalawa kaming walang partner. She told the other girl the same words she told me.

Nang magsimula nang magbigay ng instructions si Ms. Fern gamit ang kaniyang lavalier microphone, everyone went silent. I was blessed with an above-average height for girls, so it wasn't a problem for me to see who's in front. Tahimik lang akong nakikinig at nakatayo nang makita ang isang matangkad na bultong tamad na naglalakad patungo sa harapan.

Namilog ang mga mata ko. Zeus approached the facilitator. Inalis muna ni Ms. Fern ang lavalier microphone sa bibig at tumango-tango. He stuck his hands on the pockets of his slacks. Ang nasa harapan lamang ang nakakarinig ng usapan nila. Ang dalawang babae sa harapan ko ay nagtutulakan pa nang makita ang biglaang pagdating ni Zeus.

Ms. Fern nodded and pointed towards my direction. Or so I thought. Kinabahan ako nang dumako ang tingin ni Zeus sa aming nasa likod. He locked his gaze on mine before he nodded and dropped his bag on the floor, joining all of our bags. He languidly walked towards my direction. He was like Moses on the parting of the sea when the students stepped back and gave way for the king. The clandestine glances from the girls and the cocky acknowledgement from the boys made the air thick and intense for a moment.

Tumigil siya sa harapan ko. I blinked at him. Bumalik ulit sa pagsasalita si Ms. Fern pero ang ibang mga mata'y nakatitig kay Zeus. Naiintriga. Nakukuryuso. Nagagalak na makita siya.

He didn't bother pulling out his hands from the pockets of his slacks. Basta lang siyang nakatitig sa akin at nang walang makuha ay ibinaling na ang atensiyon kay Ms. Fern.

Two partners are in front to demonstrate the dance steps. Kailangan kong ipatong ang kamay ko sa balikat niya. Namamawis ang mga kamay ko at bahagyang nanginig. The rest of them followed except for the two of us. I looked stubbornly at Zeus. He only cocked an eyebrow at me. Para bang nanghahamon.

Despite the crazy beats of my heart, I took a step towards him and took a deep breath. Ipinatong ko ang kamay sa balikat niya pero kaagad ding binawi na para bang napaso ako. I averted my gaze as my cheeks burned in embarrassment. A flash of irritation gleamed in his eyes. Itinaas niya ang kamay na kaagad umagaw sa atensiyon ni Ms. Fern at ng iba babaeng kanina pa nakatitig sa kaniya.

"Yes, Mr. Ferrer?"

"I would like to change my partner, Ma'am."

My eyes widened as I took a step back from him. Ang galit nitong mga mata ay lalo pang nagpanginig ng mga kamay ko.

Ms. Fern frowned and lumbered towards us. "Why? Is there a problem?"

He glanced at me with his intense eyes, and then he shrugged. "Takot po ang partner ko sa akin."

Hindi lang ata ako ang nagulat sa sinabi niya kundi pati na rin ang nakiki-usyuso sa harapan. Ms. Fern turned towards me and didn't bother to hide the surprise on her face, too.

"Ms. Bukhari?"

Mabilis kong iniling ang ulo ko. Sobrang nakakahiya! Gusto ko nalang magpalamon sa lupa. I caught Zoey staring at the two of us, her eyes laughing despite the pursed lips.

"H-Hindi po, Ma'am..." nauutal kong wika.

A wicked grin grew on his lips. He took a step towards me. Awtomatiko akong umatras. Itinuro ako ni Zeus.

"Kita mo na, Ma'am? Lumalayo.... takot sa akin..."

I nearly slapped myself! Para na akong sasabog sa sobrang kaba. Hindi lang mga kamay pero pati mga binti ko ay nanginginig na. Ang tamad na ngisi ni Zeus ay mas lalong nagpakaba sa akin.

"I'll change your partners, if you want. Are you really uncomfortable with him, Ms. Bukhari?"

"Hindi po talaga, Ma'am..." halos naiiyak ko nang wika. Pakiramdam ko ay naaaliw talaga ang lalaking ito kapag nakikita niya akong napapraning dahil sa kaniya.

"Sige nga.... Hawak ka nga sa balikat ko..." he teased.

I glared at him. Temper rose and gave color to my cheeks as I forced myself to step towards him. Ipinatong ko nang padabog ang kamay sa balikat niya. He smirked at me.

"Good..." despite the alarm in my eyes and the facilitator watching us, he leaned closer and whispered on my ears. "Huwag kang tatakbo, ah?"