Chapter 10

The thing about our emotions is, we have no control over it. More often than not, it controls us. People who learned how to control their emotions are perceived as heartless. On the other hand, people who wears their hearts at their sleeves easily get heart because others take advantage of their transparent display of feelings.

I don't know where I belong between the two.

"Parvana..."

Parang haplos lang ng hangin ang boses ni Zoey na pumutol sa pag-iisip ko. Nahihiya akong nag-angat ng tingin sa kaniya at pinunasan ang mga luha. We are both squatting at the back of the waiting shed, receiving odd looks from some of the students and teachers who passed by.

Pareho kaming walang pakealam.

Zoey gently placed her hands over mine and pulled away tenderly. My eyes are hot from burning with tears. I bit my lower lips as more tears of shame spilled from my eyes. The worried look on her face got my heart clenching painfully again.

"Stop crying..." she said as panic registered on her pretty, doll-like face. "Shit. I don't know what to do when someone cries..."

The soft chuckle that escaped from my throat sounded like a strangle with my sobs. I cleared my throat and offered her a small smile.

"I'm sorry for making you worry..."

"I'm more worried about the fact that you're crying over that jerk!" eksaherada niyang wika at bumuntong-hininga. "Bakit ka kasi umiyak?"

I rocked back and forth. The hot fingers of the sun are scraping on my back and the sweat from my forehead feels so sticky. Gayunpaman, hindi ako umalis mula sa kinauupuan ko.

"Hindi ko alam..." pag-amin ko sa kaibigan.

She grunted. "Parvana..." seryoso akong tinitigan ni Zoey. Tinagpo ko ang mga nag-aalala niyang mga mata. She stared at me for a good few seconds before she cursed again. "Damn it. He got you..."

My heart pounded in pain. He got me?

I stared at her with a puzzled look. Zoey shook her head miserably.

"I shouldn't have introduced Zeus to you. He's nothing but trouble."

"No. It's my fault."

"Kahit na! Now you're going to feel miserable seeing him flirting with other girls and the fact that the two of you can't..." she trailed off and flushed.

I blinked at her words. Doon pa lang umusbong ang kaisipan sa loob ng utak ko. Zeus and I...

Nagbaba ulit ako ng tingin.

"I'm sorry, Parvana."

"Ayos lang..." halos hindi ko na marinig ang boses ko sa sobrang hina.

"Bakit naman kasi kay Zeus pa? Sa dinami-dami ng lalaki eh..."

Tumawa ako nang bahagya. "Ayos lang talaga, Zoey. H-hindi naman ganun kaseryoso."

"Talaga?"

I nodded at her. "It's just infatuation. I admire him for his good looks, talent, and his attitude. Hindi na 'to lalalim pa..."

Huminga siya nang malalim. Mukhang mas napoproblema pa ata siya kesa sa akin. Nakaramdam tuloy ako ng matinding pagka-guilty dahil don.

"Tara... uwi na tayo..." ani ko.

Tumango naman si Zoey at pinagpagan ang kaniyang palda. She helped me to my feet. Inayos ko ang sling bag at nanigas sa kinatatayuan nang makitang nasa waiting shed na pala si Zeus. His arms are crossed over his chest as he stared at the two of us.

"What are you doing?"

Hinanap ng mga mata ko ang babaeng kahalikan niya kani-kanina lang pero hindi ko siya makita. I bit my lower lips and averted my gaze. Biglang hinawakan ni Zoey ang braso ko at hinila ako palayo sa kaniya.

"None of your business, twat."

Zeus opened his mouth to protest but by then, Zoey had already dragged me away from the waiting shed. Mabilis siyang pumara ng tricycle at sumakay kaming dalawa kaagad. Iwasan ko man ay nakita ko ang repleksiyon ng matangkad na bulto ni Zeus. Nakakunot pa rin ang noo niyang nakatingin sa amin habang paliit nang paliit ang imahe niya at nawala na ito nang lumiko si Manong.

I sighed.

Nang makauwi ako sa bahay ay yun lang ang tanging laman ng isipan ko. Laking pasasalamat ko at Sabado bukas. I wouldn't be able to see him. Aatakihin na ata ako sa puso nang tuluyan kapag nagkita pa kami ulit. I need to distance myself from him first, sort out my feelings, and decide the best thing to do about it.

Habang nakaharap ako sa sariling desk ay kusa nalang dumako ang paningin ko sa katabing trash bin ng lamesa. I bit my lower lips and tried to restrain myself but I still ended up taking the trash I threw one by one in search for the song I wrote about him.

Binuklat ko ulit ang nilakumos na papel at tinitigan ang sinulat. Sighing loudly, I went back to my seat and transferred the lyrics to a clean paper. I finished the song, thinking it would help me to get rid of him from my mind.

It didn't.

Instead, I just fell asleep that night with the painful thoughts of him.

Tanghali na nang magising ako kinabukasan. My back ached a bit as I stretched in my bed and got up. I tied my hair in a ribbon as a ghost of smile touched my lips. I wondered for a moment, what he'd say if he sees me in a ribbon? Some boys like their girls with their hair in a bun, while some prefer if they wear it down. How about him? What does he like?

My thoughts, once again, has surprised me. Mabilis kong iniling ang ulo at pinakawala ang mga ideyang iyon. How could I betray myself and my religion by just fantasizing over him? I bit my lower lips and then took a deep breath.

Stop thinking about it, Naia. He will never see you with your hair down. Never.

Nang lumabas ako ay nakita kong wala na si Baba-jan. He must've gone to work already. Mama-jan is busy at the kitchen preparing our food. Bahagyang kumunot ang noo ko nang makita ang dami ng pagkain sa lamesa. She's cooking as if she's going to serve a feast.

"Did you sleep well, Parvana?"

Nginitian ko si Mama-jan at tinanguan. I took a seat and watched her in fascination as the kitchen was filled with the soft banging of pans and pots, the delicious smoke suffocating the two of us, and the plates neatly placed on the table.

"Ano pong meron, Mama-jan?"

"Your cousins will be arriving this evening." She said and wiped her hands on the apron she wore on her waist. "It's your first time meeting them..."

Thrill and excitement bloomed in my chest. I grinned at my mother in return. "Really?"

"Yes. I've recently contacted my family..." she smiled at the memory of it and then shook her head. "They all really thought I was dead. Excited na silang makilala ka..."

Mas lalo pang lumawak ang ngiti ko. Cousins! I wondered what they are like? What kind of persons are they? I'm not going to expect that they're Muslims, too because they are from my mother's side of family. Pero kahit na, nae-excite pa rin ako!

"Here..." she placed a sealed Tupperware in front of me. One glance at the transparent lid and I saw cheesy chicken casserole inside. "Change your clothes and put on your hijab. Ihatid mo sa kapitbahay natin. Ever since we've moved, we've never spoken a word between each other."

"Okay..." I pulled myself out and returned to my room. Mabilis muna akong naligo bago nagbihis. I put on my marigold dress with dainty flower patters on the sleeves and a white silk hijab. Nang lumabas ulit ako ay abalang-abala pa rin si Mama-jan.

Kinuha ko ang lalagyan ng pagkain at tumikhim.

"Aalis na po ako, Mama-jan..."

"Sige. If they invite you for a chat, don't hesitate to say yes, okay? Send my regards, too."

I nodded my head and carrying the Tupperware, I went outside. May kalayuan ang bahay ng kapitbahay namin mula sa amin, pero tanaw pa rin naman mula dito. The large Sampaloc tree separated our houses. Malapit sa highway ang bahay nila kaya madalas ko din itong madaanan sa araw-araw na pagpunta ko sa eskwelahan.

The wind blew. Napangiti ako. Di tulad kahapon ay hindi naman sobrang init ngayon. Sakto lang. Maybe because we're near the forest. Ang malamig na hangin mula sa kakahuyan ay napapadpad malapit sa amin kaya nababawasan ang sobrang init.

I stopped in front the wooden bungalow. The door is open but the porch is empty. Madalas kong makita ang isang matandang lalaki na nagbabasa ng diyaryo araw-araw sa portico ng kanilang bahay. He seems nice. Or so I thought. Ginagantihan niya kasi ang mga mumunting ngiti ng pagbati ko sa kaniya.

Mabagal akong naglakad patungo sa loob at huminto sa amba ng kanilang pintuan. I knocked on the wooden doorframe instead and step back.

"Sino yan!" I heard a voice of a woman called.

Hindi muna ako sumagot at hinintay na makalabas ang babae. She rose a brow and frowned upon seeing me. My smile faded a bit, especially when an obvious look of disgust crossed over her face.

"Ako po si Parvana Naia Bukhari. Nakatira po kami dyan—"

"Kayo yong Muslim na nakatira d'yan?" suplada nitong sabat sa akin.

"Ah... opo." Ani ko at bahagyang itinaas ang hawak na tupperware. "Pinabibigay nga po pala ng Mama-jan ko sa inyo..." I attempted again another friendly smile but failed miserably when she just stared blankly at me.

"Hindi kami tumatanggap ng kung anong galing sa mga Muslim." Malamig niyang wika.

Para akong binuhusan ng malamig na tubig sa naging sagot niya. I blinked at her.

"P-Po?"

"Umalis ka nalang!" aniya at bahagya pa akong itinulak palayo. She muttered something under her breath. "Hindi kami interesado." Dagdag pa niya bago niya pabagsak na isinarado ang pintuan sa mukha ko.

I flinched. It took me a few seconds to absorb what had just happened. I stared at the Tupperware in my hands as my heart ached.

Mama worked so hard for this...

With sagging shoulders, I retreated from their house. Nakatitig lang ako sa Tupperware na dala habang naglalakad sa tabi ng highway bago lumiko sa bahay namin. Iniisip ko kung papaano ko sasabihin kay Mama-jan na tinanggihan ng kapitbahay namin ang pagkain na pinaghirapan niyang iluto.

"Parvana?"

Tumigil ako sa paglalakad at napalingon nang marinig ko ang pangalang tinawag. The familiar white Montero slowed down next to me, with its window rolling down. The elegant woman from the driver's seat placed her oversized sunglasses at the top of her head and then smiled at me.

"Parvana! Tama ako, diba?" she grinned at me.

I flushed. This is Zeus' mom.

"Magandang umaga po, Mrs. Ferrer..." wika ko.

She nodded and then killed the engine. Upon opening the car door, her cigarette heels stabbed the scorching pavement and revealed a tall, slender woman in a black pantsuit.

"Dito ka pala nakatira?" tanong niya habang inaayos ang nagulong kulay brown na buhok.

"Ah, opo..."

"Where are you headed to? Ihahatid na kita!" paunlak niya sa akin.

"Gusto niyo po?"

Rumehistro ang gulat sa mukha niya at sinundan ng malaking ngiti nang makita niya ang ibinibigay ko sa kaniya.

"This is for me?"

I nodded my head. "Para sana po sa kapitbahay namin, pero ayaw nilang tumanggap ng kahit ano galing sa mga Muslim."

"Then your neighbor is ridiculous!" she commented and accepted the Tupperware from my hands. "Gusto mong pumunta muna sa bahay namin?"

"P-po?"

"Para maibalik ko kaagad itong Tupperware na pinaglagyan ng pagkain. Zeus and Zoey are in the house right now."

Nag-aalangan ako sa offer ni Tita Belle. She placed a gentle hand on my shoulders.

"Huwag kang matakot... you're always welcome in our house, hija."

"S-Sige po..."

"Great!" she chirped and then opened the driver's door again. "Sakay na."

I climbed inside the car and made myself comfortable on the passenger's seat. Nasa hita ko na ngayon nakapatong ang Tupperware na ipinadala ni Mama-jan. Tita Belle glanced and smiled at me once again before she started the engine.

"I didn't have a chance to get to know you when I first learned that you're my son's friend..." umiling-iling pa siya pero ang mga mata'y nakatutok sa kalsadang dinadaanan namin. "Boys at Zeus' age are so hard to understand. Silang dalawa ni Levi..."

I chuckled. "Mabait naman po si Levi."

She smirked at me. "I know, right? Mana yun sa akin..." humalakhak pa siya.

I found myself starting to relax as I watched the blurring images of the ocean as we drove down the hill.

Minutes later, we slowed down in front of a white, huge beach house by the sea. It stood tall and arrogant. The wind chimes are singing with the wind as it was swayed back and forth.

I got out of the car to get a better view of the house. It's stunning. The thick planks of wood in their porch are painted white, so with the rest of the house. Touch of Cerulean-blue decorated the posts. The second floor of the house features a small terrace with a rattan chair sitting unoccupied.

"Pasok ka..." ani Tita Belle habang itinutulak pabukas ang gate.

I went after her and saw two puppies wrestling on the lawn. Under the huge Oak tree is a hammock. Hinubad ko ang suot na sapatos nang tuluyan na kaming pumasok. I was stunned when we were greeted by a mini grand staircase with two matching sculptures of Griffin guarding the entrance. One look is all it takes to know that it was crafted by a highly-skilled artisan. The half-eagle, half-lion with ferocious eyes stared at me. Naabutan ako ni Tita Belle na nakatitig sa marmol nitong imahe.

She laughed. "Pretty weird, right? To find a sculpture of Griffin in a modern beach house like this." She shrugged and placed the Tupperware on the coffee table. "My husband is an engineer and he takes delight in renovating our house almost every year..." she frowned a bit but wasn't able to suppress the smile tugging on her red-painted lips. "Imagine the horror! I was taking care of the boys while making sure that they don't accidentally step on a nail or gets crashed by a falling debris..."

Sinulyapan ko si Tita Belle at nginitian. "Ang ganda po ng bahay ninyo..."

"Thanks, hija. Take a seat..."

I followed her meekly and hesitantly occupied the lover's seat facing the 50-inch wide flatscreen TV. I watched her pull her hair in a bun as she went into the kitchen. Habang nasa kusina siya ay napunta ang tingin ko sa isang malaking family picture sa ibabaw ng TV.

There's Zeus and his little brother with their parents at the back. His father looks very handsome so as his young, beautiful wife holding their sons. They look so happy together, even with Zeus' frowning face and his brother's blank look.

"They were here earlier when I left..."

I turned to Tita Belle and found her carrying a tray with a tall glass of iced tea. Inilapag niya ito sa harapan ko. "I wonder where those kids have gone—"

"Ma!"

Pareho kaming napalingon nang biglang dumagundong ang boses ni Levi sa buong bahay. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko nang makita siyang walang saplot pang-itaas. I quickly turned my gaze away as he grinned.

"Levi... magbihis ka nga!" Tita Belle hissed.

"Didn't know you're here, Ate Naia..." he casually strode towards our direction. Prente niyang ipinatong ang mga kamay sa sandalan ng couch na inuupuan ko. "Nililigawan mo ang kuya ko?"

"Levi!"

Mas lalo pang namula ang mukha ko sa sinabi niya. I bit my lower lips as he roared in laughter. Hinampas ni Tita Belle ang anak ng nirolyong diyaryo.

"Get back to your room and change, young man. You're making Parvana feel uncomfortable..."

The grin on his face never faded. He wiggled his eyebrows before he stepped back and went upstairs. Nakahinga lang ako nang maluwag nang mawala na siya sa paningin ko.

"Pagpasensiyahan mo na si Levi, ganun lang talaga ang batang yun..."

I smiled tightly at her. "Ayos lang po..." I assured her and straightened on my seat.

Mayamaya pa ay nakarinig ako ng tunog ng makina na nagmumula sa labas. When I turned, I saw the tall, handsome man climbing out of the car. Rumehistro kaagad sa utak ko ang mukha niya. Tatay ni Zeus!

Following after him is a dark, good-looking man, too. May pinag-uusapan silang dalawa habang naglalakad papasok ng bahay.

"—then we're going to pull out from the project..."

His voice almost sounded like his son's. I stared at him in fascination, enumerating the features that he shared with his oldest son. The height, the strong, narrow nose, the eyes, and the jaw. The lips and the smile belongs to Tita Belle. As well as his creamy skin.

"We have a visitor..." maligayang bati sa kaniya ng asawa. She went to met him as her husband pulled her waist and kissed her forehead.

Mr. Ferrer gave me a warm smile when I stood and introduced myself.

"It's nice to have you here, Naia... Mabuti naman at napadaan ka dito sa amin..."

"She knows how to sing, Dad."

Napalingon kaming lahat kay Levi na bumababa na ng hagdanan at nakabihis na ng pang-itaas. His eyes twinkled when he reached the last step and grinned at me.

"Really?"

"Yeah. Mas maganda pa ata ang boses niya kesa kay kuya eh..." biro pa niya.

"Now that's intriguing. Would you mind singing for us? I'll play the piano."

My entire face flushed. Kinabahan ako sa sinabi niya. Tita Belle and Levi gave me an encouraging smile.

"I want to hear you sing, too. Iyon ay kung ayos lang sa iyo?"

I bit my lower lips. I want to say no but they're just so good to me. Hindi ko sila magawang tanggihan. Besides, it's not like they're asking for an offending request.

Humigit ako nang isang malalim na hininga at nginitian sila.

"S-Sige po..."

"Great!" his father began taking off his coat and handed it to his wife. "Whiskey, hon, please..."

Tinitigan siya nang masama ni Tita Belle. He just grinned and kissed her cheeks again before whispering something. Irap ang naging sagot ni Tita Belle pero pumunta rin naman ito sa kusina.

"Come on here, Parvana..." he said, strolling towards where the grand piano is located.

I stared at the shining lid of the instrument. It looks brand new to me. Siguro ay hindi pa nagagalaw o talagang iniingatan nang maayos. Mr. Ferrer pulled the bench and occupied it, then glanced at me.

"Anong kanta alam mo?"

"Uh... Everytime We Touch po..."

He nodded. Levi and the other man occupied the small sofa next to the piano, both of their eyes focused on us. Medyo kinakabahan talaga ako. This is my first time singing with the accompaniment of a musical instrument. What if I mess it all up?

Tita Belle placed a glass of whiskey atop the lid and snuggled next to her son. Nakangiti din siya sa akin ngayon. Ginantihan ko ang ngiti niya at itinapat ang tingin sa mga daliri ni Mr. Ferrer na handa nang tugtugin ang piano.

When he hit the first keys, I found myself losing in the music once again. Bahagya akong lumapit sa piano. I rested my other hand, closed my eyes, and let the melody streamed through me.

I still hear your voice when you sleep next to me

I still feel your touch in my dreams

Forgive me my weakness, but I don't know why

Without you it's hard to survive

'Cause every time we touch, I get this feeling

And every time we kiss, I swear I could fly

Can't you feel my heart beat fast, I want this to last

Need you by my side

I opened my eyes and nearly choked on my words when I found Zeus at the doorway, staring intently at me. The tin can of his liquor froze on his hands as the intensity of his ferocious eyes, like that of the Griffin on their staircase, bore into me. My heart raced. Blanko ang ekspresiyon ng kaniyang mukha. My knees are buckling but I forced myself to sing the third stanza.

'Cause every time we touch, I feel the static

And every time we kiss, I reach for the sky

Can't you hear my heart beat so, I can't let you go

Want you in my life

I stared back at him too as I continued to sing. His eyes never left mine. Nakahilig siya sa amba ng kanilang pintuan and while I was so busy staring at his eyes, I failed to notice that he's topless and is dripping wet.

My lips trembled. Pinilit ko ang sariling huwag bumaba ang tingin. I stood like a robot as I planted my hands hard on the lid of the piano.

'Cause every time we touch, I get this feeling

And every time we kiss, I swear I could fly

'Cause every time we touch, touch, touch, touch, touch, touch, touch, touch, touch

What's going on in your mind, Zeus? Because your eyes just declared war as I continued to stare into it. What are you thinking? Do you know that as much as I feared being around you, I am also drawn back to you? How weird. You could be a walking paradox. Or my greatest nemesis. Ever since I met you, I began questioning my faith and my beliefs. I began making excuses just to be with you.

And honestly, as much as it confuses me, it also scares me.

It scares me. What if my young heart I just confused with what I feel about you? What if these feelings are just shallow and must be neglected? What if I make a bad decision just to be with you?

I'm scared, Zeus.

Your arms are my castle, your heart is my sky

They wipe away the tears that I cry

The good and the bad times we've been through them al

You make me rise when I fall

Tears glistened my eyes. I was born to serve Allah for the rest of my life. I was born to follow my family's tradition and cultures without questions or apprehensions. All of my beliefs and principles are intact until you came and made me question everything.

Cause every time we touch, I feel the static

And every time we kiss I reach for the sky

Can't you hear my heart beat fast so I can't let you go

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Bahagya nang nanginginig ang mga labi ko. Tita Belle, Levi, and the man stared stunned at me. Mr. Ferrer is still focused on his playing the piano.

"Want you in my life..." I almost whispered the last lyrics of the song. My knees are turning into jelly. Hinigpitan ko ang kapit sa piano upang hindi ako matumba. The roars of laughter and the applaud from my tiny audience faded into background. Nakatitig lang ako sa sahig, napapantastikuhan sa dayuhang damdamin.

"Diba Dad, sabi ko sa iyo, mas magaling siya kay kuya!" halakhak ni Levi.

"Andito na pala ang kuya mo..." Tita Belle pulled herself up and placed her hands on her hips. "Kanina ka pa d'yan, Zeus?"

"Ah, yeah..." he said and swallowed violently. He stared at the unattended can on his hands, the droplets of water falling from his wet hair.

Kumunot ang noo ni Tita Belle. "San ka ba galing, ha?"

"Just took a quick dip to cool my head..."

Nang muli siyang nag-angat ng tingin sa akin ay halos matumba ako. I really don't know how to handle the intensity of his gazes and as much as I want to know what's on his mind, what his eyes mean, my heart would fail me every time I try to stare back at him. Palagi akong nag-iiwas ng tingin.

"You have good voice." he commented quietly.

"She has great voice." Mr. Ferrer complimented as he took a sip of his liquor. "She can hit the higher notes without failing..."

"Yeah, I suppose." He shrugged at his father and then turned to me. "Want to go the beach?"

Namilog ang mga mata ko sa sinabi niya. Lumingon-lingon pa ako upang siguruhin na ako talaga ang kausap niya.

"Or... are you still scared of me?" the corners of his lips lifted in amusement. My cheeks flushed. I quickly shook my head.

"S-Sasama ako..."

"Good. C'mon." he said and then disappeared at the doorway.

Nilingon ko ang mga magulang niya at nginitian nang tipid. "Babalik din po kami kaagad..."

"Mommy, siguradong hindi na yan ibabalik ni Kuya..." Levi teased.

Namumula ang mukha kong umalis at sinundan si Zeus sa labas. Once I put on my shoes, I trailed after him as my shoes hit the sandy path. Medyo malayo na ang distansiya sa pagitan naming dalawa kaya binilisan ko ang lakad ko.

"Zeus!"

He turned to me and stopped walking. Isiniksik niya ang isang kamay sa bulsa ng basang pantalon at hinintay akong makaabot. He sipped from his drink slowly, his adams apple bobbing up and down. The scorching sun, without the aid of the trees, burned down my back. But the cool, salty air is enough to make up for it.

Nang maabutan ko na siya ay huminto ako ng ilang hakbang mula sa kaniya. He stared at me while downing the last of his drink before crumpling the tin can in his hands. He gestured towards the sea. Sinundan ko ang tingin niya.

The scorching sun made the tip of the waves glistened and sparkled, like diamonds scattered on the water. The shifting waters made the jewels appear and disappear as the sun continued to burn.

"Are you still scared of me?"

Binalingan ko siya. Nakasiksik na sa bulsa niya ang isang kamay at matamang tinitingnan ang hangganan ng dagat na abot ng kaniyang mga mata. I bit my lower lips.

"Iba ang kinakatakutan ko, Zeus."

"Ano?"

My heart leapt to my throat when he turned to me, his eyes twinkling in amusement.

Iniling ko ang ulo ko. He lifted his other hand and then stop mid-air. I dropped my gaze at his hands warily as I took a step back.

"Of course. Fuck. I couldn't even touch you..." he chuckled bitterly.

"H-Hindi naman sa ganun..."

Hindi siya kumibo. I stared at the cruel line of his jaw, the authority in his eyes, the power of his lips and my heart ached all at once.

How can staring at him be such a big sin? Not just staring. Zeus per se is a sin. He is my nemesis. My hamartia. And if I don't distance myself away from him, we'll burn together. I will burn myself in sin.

Sumikip ang dibdib ko. Zeus remained silent, but his eyes are telling me so many things. He stared at the sea and step back from me. I bit my lower lips to stop the tears from escaping my eyes.

We were both aware at that very moment, that whatever we have in each other's mind... it's not possible. Zeus... you and I.

We're not possible.