"Maybe I could find the happiness I lost again, somewhere."

-

"Kausapin mo muna, Kate. Kahit saglit lang." Halos magmakaawa si Mark sa akin. Nag walk out kasi ako pagkatawag sa akin ni Theo. Hindi ko yata siya kayang kausapin pa. Ewan ko ba. Ang labo. Natatakot ako, tapos nagi-guilty.

Bumuntong hininga ako. "Mark, sorry, hindi ko talaga kaya kasi. Nagi-guilty ako na kailangan niyang ma-overdose o magtangkang mag suicide. Kasalanan ko 'yun, e."

Hinimas niya ang balikat ko. "Kate, it is not your fault. Mahal ka lang talaga ni Theo at naging dependent na siya sa'yo."

I pursed my lips. "Ayoko siyang harapin o kausapin. Kasi alam kong magmamakaawa siya. At baka hindi ko siya matanggihan."

"Do you still love him?"

"Siguro hindi 'yan 'yung tanong. Kasi paulit ulit ko nang tinanong ang sarili ko niyan, e." Umiling ako ng paulit ulit. "Tapos wala akong nakuhang sagot. Ayokong masaktan si Theo pero gusto ko rin munang hanapin ang sarili ko. Nawawala ako, e."

Mabagal siyang tumango. "Sabihin ko na lang nagmamadali ka. Sabihin ko may emergency."

"Sorry," I quietly said.

"Ingat ka. Salamat sa lahat ng tulong."

Tumango ako at nginitian siya. "I want the best for Theo." Kinagat ko ang labi ko at itinuro ang daan palabas. "Mauna na ako."

He nodded. I muttered thanks again. It all boils down on me after, while I was walking away.

Okay, magaling na si Theo. Nabawasan na 'yung guilt na nararamdaman ko.

Pwede nang magsimula ulit. Pwede nang sarili ko na ang asikasuhin ko ngayon.

Pwede ko nang hanapin 'yung sarili kong nawawala.

Tumingin ako sa langit. Kelan ko ba nawala 'yung sarili ko? Kelan ko ba nakalimutang maging masaya?

Pumara ako ng taxi at nagpahatid diretso sa apartment. Saglit akong umupo sa kama.

Malungkot akong ngumiti bago muling tumayo.

Kinuha ko ang laptop at sinagot ang email na nakuha ko.

Binuksan ko rin pagkatapos ang closet at kinuha sa taas ang mga maleta ko.

I decided packing my things.

Aalis na ako. Ayoko na dito. Nangungulila lang ako.

I lost myself. I lost my happiness.

Dati andito 'yung ligaya, e. Dati masaya. Pero hindi ko alam kung kelan nagsimulang hindi na.

Umuwi ako sa Laguna. I told Papa and KC about the break up. Nagulat sila, nalungkot at hindi makapaniwala.

I know. I understand. Kasi ako rin naman.

It was insanely fast how few months ago, I love Theo so much that I can't imagine breaking up with him and now - I just want to start a new life... without him.

Mapaglaro talaga 'yung emosyon ng tao.

Napaglaruan ako... kami ni Theo.

Bumuntong hininga ako at ibinaba ang phone ko. Sinubukan kong pahirin ang mga luha ko pero bigo dahil may mga tumutulo muli. Hinawakan ko ang dibdib kong sumisikip dahil hindi ko na kinakaya ang puso kong nadudurog sa loob.

Ilang minuto ay binasa ko ulit ang message ni Theo.

Hi, Kate. Kakauwi ko lang from the hospital :-) I just wanna say thank you for helping out Mark take care of me when I was in coma. And sorry. I still love you.

I actually don't know what to say hahaha :-( As much as I want to hear your voice, I can't call you. I think magmamakaawa lang ulit ako so ganito na lang, message. So I could think of what I am gonna say. I reflected on my actions and realized it was wrong that I was begging you again and again. I made you cry a lot and I am really, really sorry, Kate. Hahaha, I was about to say "love". I am really sorry.

Thank you for fixing me. My whole life was messed up when I was depressed and I went here in the Phil to fix myself, to see my father. And it was still not easy. Because his family could not accept me, you know this all, I am just repeating. So yeah. You came. I felt alive. I fell in love. I am still madly in love with you now. Thank you for healing my wounds.

But to clear it all, I love you yes because you have fixed me but it's more than that. I love you because you make me feel alive. I love you because one smile from you could make up my day. I love you because I feel intensely happy when you're happy and destructively worried when you're sad. I love you because I saw how your love for your family makes you powerfully driven on life. I love you because you know me and you always say the right words to calm my heart. I love you because I love you. I love you because you made me think about future, about wanting to have a future. And I settled that in mind. To make you my future, part of my future. But sorry if those reasons weren't enough :-( Sorry. Sorry.

I am really, really sorry if you ended up broken because of fixing me. I'm really sorry. Fuck, this is so painful hahaha.

Sorry that I made you broken. Sorry that I made you lost. Sorry that I made you so sad. Sorry, I think I have loved you the wrong way.

Ok now :-) I am letting you go :-) Thanks for the eight years. Thanks for all the memories, I would never forget it all. You became the biggest person in my heart. Well, you became my life. Sorry if it was too hard for me to accept your decision of break up. You know, I just really, really, really love you, Kate. So much. I am sorry.

I wish you all the best. I wish you would be able to find yourself and your happiness as soon as possible. If we have to cut our connections just so we could both move on, I would be fine with that. I wish someday you would find the guy that is way 100% better than me, that is 10/10 best for you. I'm really sorry, Kate, if I failed as a boyfriend :-( Please forgive me.

You are a wonderful and beautiful woman. You deserve everything in life. Please extend my apology to Tito, KC and the whole Garieggo. Sorry because I think I failed them, too. Especially Tito and Tita. I promised them that I would marry you and never make you cry intentionally. Sorry for being a stupid boyfriend :-( I would visit Tita maybe tomorrow, I would say sorry for failing her expectations and my promises.

Ok, so I'm sorry for the long messages hahaha. I love you, Kate. Again, I am sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you or break you. I'm letting you go. :-) May we be both fine someday. This is Theodore Blake bidding farewell at Kate Garieggo, his ultimate love hahaha </3 :-( Good bye. :-))

Humagulgol ako ng humagulgol. Tumigil 'yung mundo, pinapatagal ang pagdurog sa'kin.

Hindi ko alam pero sobrang sakit.