(TW!! Mentions of alcohol, abuse, getting/being drunk, and mild manipulation)

One of the things Ranboo did not expect to wake up to was a figure on the couch. Maybe they jumped; maybe their horns pierced the ceiling a little bit. But so what? No one was around to see.

A still-as-Primes Tommy who had been missing for a month suddenly turning up lifeless on the couch was freaky. Nothing more.

I can not deal with this right now, They thought to themself, turning around to re-enter the bedroom and go back to sleep.

~ • ~ • ~ • ~

An hour or so later, they woke up. Tubbo was absent from the bed and the alarm was silent. Apparently, the clock they'd had for years didn't work anymore. What a shocker(Tommy used to slam his hand down on the snooze button so hard it woke the downstairs neighbors up). 

Ranboo stood up. They didn't really get tired after sleeping, probably a result of their Enderman side. Endermen didn't sleep often since there was no distinguishable night in the End. 

Ranboo didn't remember the End. It was supposedly a place only Endermen could reach and was guarded by a mystical protector only spoken of in whispers.

As they trudged out to the living room, everything was dead silent. Tubbo was sitting at the kitchen table with a bowl of cereal, very obviously glaring at Tommy who was sitting on the couch with a harsh slap mark on his face.

Ranboo avoided eye contact with either of them, instead moving to lean against the wall and stare at the ground. The tension was tauter than a spider's silk stretched to its maximum.

It was broken by an angry voice.

"Well?" Tubbo demanded, making Ranboo look up. "Aren't you going to say something to him? Yell at him?"

"Oi, don't tell him what to do, Tubbo!" Tommy snapped, fingers digging into the couch below him.

Tubbo's eyes blazed. "Ranboo doesn't use those fucking pronouns anymore which you would have known if you didn't go gallivanting off somewhere for a month! You can't waltz back here like everything's right in the world and then fucking disrespect Ranboo like that!"

"I had no idea-" Tommy protested as Ranboo spoke up.

"Tubbo, I'm fine-" They tried but the ram hybrid was persistent. 

"No, that's not alright," Tubbo growled. "Ranboo, leave the room. I need to talk to Tommy."

Ranboo's eyes flashed with exasperation. The little mini-volcano of emotions that they liked to tamp down and unleash during patrol exploded unexpectedly.

"Tubbo, listen to me!" They said voice rising in pitch. "You have no right to ask me to leave the room I helped pay for, and you have no right to try and shelter me! I don't need to be protected from my own friend!"

Their voice had increased to a yelling tone as angry particles buzzed around their head and hands.

Tubbo leaned back as if surprised, and then his brows drew downward. "Fine. I see how it's going to be. Tommy- Icarus - just gets to waltz back in here like nothing happened, and you're going to let him." He stood from the table, shoving his chair away. "Go on, take his side, you know you want to." His voice was cutting.

Ranboo shrunk back in shame. "I just-" They tried, but Tubbo was storming to the door. 

"No, no, you two have a good time, Tommy can talk about his new best friend Wilbur and you can tell him alllll about how much you hate me!"

Tommy spoke up now. "Tubbo, c'mon, you can't just-"

Tubbo whirled around, boots on. "What? What can't I do?? Go on, tell me. I can do anything I want because I'm fucking legal now."

Oh, right. Tommy had missed Tubbo's birthday.

Tommy was stunned into silence. Tubbo crossed his arms.

"That's what I thought." Tubbo snarled. "You two enjoy yourselves, I'm going to go hang out with Daedalus."

Before either Ranboo or Tommy could move to stop him, Tubbo was out the door. Ranboo could hear his steel-toed boots clomping down the hall and down the stairs until the echo faded and the room was silent.

Ranboo straightened up. "I should... take a load to the laundromat..." They murmured. Their clothes had to be ready for the... event... tonight.

As they hurried off to the other room, sweeping through the hamper and cramped closet to find their nicest clothes, the letter on the side table caught their eye.

It was the one that had shown up twelve days ago, on Tubbo's birthday. 'Tubbo S.' It said on the back in looping gold calligraphy. A faintly lingering scent of alcohol emanated from the paper, assaulting their sensitive nostrils.

The letter had been quite a shocker to Ranboo who was just opening the door to check for Tommy. Instead of the familiar Avian, they'd found the white rectangle on the ground with no one in sight. They took it into their hands and withdrew back inside.

"Tubbo?" They called, moving back into the bedroom-slash-storage-room.

Tubbo was rummaging through the closet for something, likely spare batteries, when Ranboo approached him. 

"What's this?" He asked as Tubbo turned around, holding out the letter.

Tubbo took the letter and Ranboo saw him wince, the smell of alcohol clearly hitting him as well. He opened the envelope.

"I feel like I know who this is from already..." He murmured in a slightly sickened tone, hands gripping the paper and crumpling its edges slightly.

"Tubbo," Ranboo asked in a faltering voice as Tubbo's eyes, though partially blocked by hair, skimmed the paper with ease. "What does the 'S' stand for...?"

"Shit. I forgot I'm dyslexic." Tubbo muttered, glaring at the paper. "Boo; read for me."

Ranboo took the paper in their long fingers, skimming the paper before beginning to read.

"The contents of this message are only for the fucked-up eyes of Tubbo J. S."

Ranboo frowned. This was already bad.

"Fucking idiot," Tubbo scoffed. "It's a brain disability, not a visual one."

Ranboo's brows furrowed slightly before they continued reading.

"Congratulations- You can become a(legal) alcoholic now! Not that you'll be getting anything from me after you disappeared for six years. You have to admit, I didn't even do anything that bad-"

Ranboo was cut off by a huge scoff from Tubbo. They looked over but the ram hybrid just gestured for them to continue. Ranboo nodded slowly, turning back to the paper.

"...I didn't even do anything that bad, it was simply a blunder. Certainly not worth running away over. But, unfortunately, I am curious to see what you've become. Or, rather, how you sank so low. That's a small-ass apartment you got there. I'm sure you remember my house; how big and nice it was. And you could have had it, if you didn't make the mistake of running away."

Ranboo paused because Tubbo looked like he was going to pop a blood vessel. Tubbo paced, fuming as his nails curled into his palm. "He's trying to fucking guilt-trip me, now is he?" Tubbo snarled. "Well, it's not going to fucking work. I don't feel guilty!"

Tubbo threw himself down on the bed and gripped the blankets. "I didn't make any mistakes!" He glanced at Ranboo. "Continue, Ran."

Ranboo's brows furrowed again but they complied.

"As I was saying before, I am curious. So consider this a recall. Dinner, January 9th, seven P.M. I suppose I can't force you to come, but you have to be a bit curious as well."

Tubbo grumbled in what Ranboo took to be grumpy assent.

"Wear something decent, if you own it. Oh, and that two-tone freak you live with can come too."

Ranboo paused and frowned slightly. Yeah, maybe they were a two-tone freak, but that comment was honestly unnecessary...

"My dishonest and careless regards, 

J. W. Schlatt"

The pieces clicked together. 

"You're-" Ranboo breathed, their eyes flicking up to stare at Tubbo who was hunched slightly over 

"You're a Schlatt..."

Ranboo wished their voice sounded less horrified than it came out. They winced instantly. "I- I'm sorry, that came out wrong-"

"No, no, I'm disgusted too. Trust me." Tubbo spat bitterly.

Ranboo's eyes went to the horns on the sides of Tubbo's head. They were small, like a young goat's, but Ranboo suddenly had the thought that they might grow large and curl around his head one day.

"So..." They said awkwardly. "...Are we going to dinner?"

Ranboo remembered the way Tubbo had looked at them, his face dimming and a resigned sigh coming from his lips.

But, ultimately, Tubbo decided to make his father's acquaintance and go to the dinner.

Ranboo jumped slightly. Oh. Tommy wasn't invited.

They finished gathering the clothes, a nice white top that they hardly wore, and a neat jacket for Tubbo. They walked quietly back out to the living room, eyes landing on Tommy.

He was silent.

"I," Ranboo started before wincing. "Tubbo and I are, uh, we're going out tonight."

Tommy nodded motionlessly. "I can just go to W-" He cut himself off harshly, face contorting. "I'll just stay here... you know. Hold down the fort."

Ranboo nodded silently. Tommy then spoke up.

"Hey, was... was Tubbo being honest about you not using... you know, those pronouns anymore? Or was he just trying to make me feel worse?" Tommy's eyes met Ranboo's and both of them flinched back simultaneously.

"I... He was telling the truth," Ranboo muttered, crossing their arms over their chest gently.

Tommy hummed. "So... Are you a woman now?" He tried, fingers tapping speedily on his sleeve.

"No, I-" Ranboo was almost startled into laughing. Tommy was blunt... They'd missed that bluntness. "I'm, uh, non-binary. Not a woman. Not a man. A they."

"Oh," Tommy said.

It was silent for a moment.

"...Does this mean I can't call you boob boy anymore?" Tommy asked in a mumble, attempting to smile. The corner of Ranboo's mouth twitched upward slightly.

"I-" They started.

"Boobperson," Tommy decided. "Wait, no- RANBOOB!"

A startled laugh escaped Ranboo's mouth. Tommy grinned. "See, I knew you'd like it!" He stated triumphantly.

Ranboo regained control of themself quickly. "No, no, stop that now," They warned. "Alright... I'm going to the laundromat. I'll be back in an hour or so."

"Have fun, Boobus," Tommy called as Ranboo disappeared into particles.

~ • ~ • ~ • ~

Ranboo was definitely not intimidated by the gates of Schlatt Manor, or the gargoyles with devil horns that watched from atop spires of quartz. 

They weren't taken aback by the fact that one of the smaller pavilions in the thirty-or-so-acre yard was the size of the trio's entire apartment. 

Or the sight of windows as tall as two stories of the apartment dotted across the front of the mansion.

They were sure that if Tommy was here, he'd make some scoffing comment about 'rich bastards who flaunt their wealth' and pretend like he wasn't jealous of the luxury.

Tubbo's lip curled in contempt at the sight around him and Ranboo assumed the memories he had were... less than pleasant.

Before they had left the house, Tubbo had pulled them aside and debriefed a few more things. This was what Ranboo knew so far:

• 'Schlart' was an alcoholic and abusive bastard

• 'Schlulker Box' was also known as Capricorn, the hallucinogenic villain

• 'Shit' was really good at throwing passive-aggressive B.S. around

• 'Dickweed' was very rich and owned a lot of companies

And those were just four of the nicer names Tubbo had called his biological father.

But, now that they were here, a mile outside of Lumenaria in a mansion built and altered specifically for "Shut The Fuck Up".

Tubbo crossed his arms and made for the path to the door, not bothering to take in the scenery like Ranboo was doing.

They approached the door and Tubbo rapped on it. For once, it looked like Ranboo didn't have to bend completely over to enter a room.

There was some movement and shifting inside. Tubbo fumed. "This is what he does," He hissed. "He's going to make us wait simply because he wants to feel superior to us."

They were waiting for another minute or so before the door swung open. There he was. Schlatt. 

His ram horns curled around in a spiral, coming up by his face with slightly crooked tips. He was wearing a blueish suit with a black tie and had a gleam in his eyes that Ranboo immediately distrusted. 

"Tubbo!" He said in a deceptively cheerful tone. Ranboo could hear the undertone of malice that laced his words, though.

"Schlatt," Tubbo said in a voice that said he was far from pleased to be here. "You look... sober."

Schlatt laughed, stepping slightly backward to let them in. "Well, not for long, no? We will be having alcohol with dinner... of course."

Tubbo stepped in, eyes immediately darting around the room, likely to examine its changes. Ranboo stepped in afterward, ducking to avoid scraping their horns on the smooth stone doorframe.

The walk to the dining hall was short but got the point across. Schlatt was very rich. Large cream-colored vases of white flowers to match the white, gray, and gold theme the house had.

Once they reached the dining hall, Ranboo was astonished by the length of the table. It was about two Tommies long, plus the length of Ranboo's vigilante staff. Far too big for a practical table, of course, but grand nonetheless.

Schlatt sat down at the head of the table, smirking like an evil genius. "You do remember the rules, right Tubbo?" He asked with a sharp grin and Tubbo froze with his hand on the chair.

Schlatt laughed. "Oh, I'm just joking," He said between chuckles, clearly enjoying the turmoil he was sending Tubbo's mind through. "Please, do sit down."

Tubbo pulled the chair slightly out and sat down, hands folded in his lap. Ranboo was slightly slower and more deliberate, sitting down with their hands resting on their thighs. The table was covered in delicious-looking food, ranging from rotisserie chicken to spinach pureé.

"Well?" Schlatt motioned to the food. "Go on and eat. It's not going to do anything to you."

He took some of the rotisserie, placing it on his plate with the large fork and cutting into it. Tubbo and Ranboo locked eyes before they each took some food from different platters - Ranboo went for a small serving of curry and Tubbo decided to go with the chicken as well.

The dinner was mostly silent with Schlatt asking a question every once in a while and grinning oily when it was answered. As polite as Ranboo was trying to be, this guy was getting on their nerves.

Tubbo finished his chicken as Ranboo finished their curry and as Tubbo went in for more, Ranboo sat back to observe. Soon enough, Schlatt stood up.

"Well then," He said smoothly. "It's about time for my favorite part... alcohol." He took a fancy bottle of red wine from the table, popping the cork out with a couple of lazy spins of the corkscrew.

He poured himself a glass and then held it out invitingly to Tubbo and Ranboo.

"No thank you, I'm a minor..." Ranboo murmured, their hands folding in their lap.

Tubbo, however, hesitated before holding his glass out to be served. Schlatt poured some wine and raised his glass.

"A toast," He said almost fondly. "A toast to the economy that keeps us all stable, to Lumenaria, the greatest city in the world, and to probability."

Ranboo didn't quite understand that last one but Schlatt grinned devilishly.

"Nah," He laughed. "I'm just joking. To the economy, to Lumenaria, and to alcohol! Amen!"

He drank deeply from the glass whereas Tubbo took only a sip.

Well, a singular sip for the time being.

~ • ~ • ~ • ~

"Oh, Primes," Ranboo whispered to themself, curled up in a corner of the room. Boisterous laughter echoed along the smooth walls. "Get me out of here, please..."

Both Tubbo and Schlatt, as fate would have it, were very loud and rambunctious drunks. Ranboo was not having a good time.

They were sure that over three glasses had been broken already and the ram hybrids were on their second bottle of wine. 

"HEY!" Came Tubbo's latest screech. "REMEMBER WHEN YOU THREW THAT BOTTLE AT ME SIX YEARS AGO? WELL CONSIDER THIS PAYBACK!" Followed by the sound of heavy breaking glass.

Ranboo heard Schlatt's uproarious laughter. "NOWWWWW'ATTA SPIRIT! YOU GET IT! I KNEW YOU WEREN'T ENTIRELY DEFECTIVE!"

Tubbo, Ranboo decided, was even more scary drunk than he was sober. They were sure the laugh would haunt them in their nightmares...

~ • ~ • ~ • ~

Ranboo ended up having to drag a giggling Tubbo out of the house after Schlatt fell asleep(Unconscious?) on the far-too-luxurious couch.

"Hey- Hey Ranboo-" Tubbo hiccuped, tugging on their sleeve. "Ranboo, guess what?"

"What is it, Tubbo...?" Ranboo mumbled, hoisting Tubbo to his feet and preparing to teleport them back to the apartment.

Tubbo giggled then cackled again. "I stole his wallet, Ranboo!"

Ranboo froze up, feeling the thick leather stuffed into their hand. Tubbo(somehow) snored gently, swaying on his feet. Ranboo grabbed his shoulders and sighed, allowing himself to teleport back to the apartment.

Tommy was still on the couch, his wings looking a lot nicer than they did when Ranboo had left with Tubbo. They dragged Tubbo to the bedroom, throwing him in the bed, before leaning against a wall and sliding down, lolling their head.

"What happened?" Tommy asked, sounding concerned.

"Oh, not much," Ranboo said weakly. "Tubbo saw his dad, got drunk, threw a vase at his head, stole his wallet, and bragged about it."

Their eyes fluttered shut and they fell into uneasy unconsciousness before being able to register Tommy's supremely confused 'What the fuck?'

Words: 2866 

chapter bc chapter

Please help it is after 4wmam and i didn't let myself sleep i=until i finished this

image a tteh top is of me and @Minty_Mooshroom vibing on discord

ugh I'm so tired

gn besties and sleep so i don't have to

-Itfcwi

(side note, what the fuck, the room is spinning, I am being deadass serious, why is my computer spinning-)