Just when I think I find two nice friends who I can trust, I find out that they ignore me.

Just like every other friendship I had/have. I'm not gonna list them all, but it's something like ten where I'm the third wheel. 

And I'm sick of it. 

I just want someone to talk to during the day when Bri and Vic can't. It's so frustrating knowing that they're only one text away but I can't. 

But whenever I start to trust someone again, they go and rip my trust to shreds.

We play League of Legends, and nearly every time I go to play with them, they get invited by some other, higher level summoner and abandon me. Is it too hard to ask for one game with them?

I've had the game for a while, and I've only been able to play with them for 2 games. I mean come on. Is a random online stranger more important than me, who will listen to your problems, help you, and just care for you?

I am so sick and tired of being hurt. I am just so used to it.

Isn't that sad? That I can say I've been hurt so much that I'm fucking used to it?!

Why do I even try to be that one peppy person who cheers everyone up? 

Fuck, I'm the one who needs that person.

I was on a Skype call with them, and they get invited just as I go to ask them if they want to join a game with me. And what do they do? They go join that.

So I just play alone and they won't care. One of them even had the nerve to talk to me like I was the one who was being rude. 

"My name is secret. Muahahaha I'm looking right at you. I can see your attitude."

I whipped my head around to look at my phone screen, and I looked at him in shock. He had the goddamn nerve to say that I was giving attitude? All I did was say they could go and play with their 'firiumblade' friend. I was hoping they would ask me 'are you sure, we can play with you if you want' But did they?

Fucking hell no.

"Thanks, what did I say! This is your time to level up!"

I legit half-heartedly played through a game and just didn't talk to them for the rest of the time we Skyped. Sure, they may treat me like a third wheel, but does that mean I dislike them?

No! They can be nice when they aren't together.

But honestly, I don't know why I even bother trying to make a new friend. It's not like anyone likes me to begin with.

My teacher had to ask me if I was okay today because I was biting my tongue to hold back a panic attack today. I didn't have as many panic attacks before my friends left.

So what do I resort to?

Music. 

When you're depressed, the lyrics take on a new meaning. More relatable meanings. 

Singing.

I can express my pain through songs that I like, and my parents won't even judge. I sing all the time. But now that I've lost my voice, it's so much harder. 

Ugh. I need to sleep, guys. I'm exhausted. I guess I'll continue this tomorrow.

~~~~~~~

Hi, everyone! It's another morning of hell!

So uh, where was I?

Ah, yes. My escape from my life in hell.

Now that my voice is gone, I can't sing. And as I listen to all my favorite songs, I'm crying because I just can't. The computer lid is slammed shut, and I lay shaking in my bed.

Most days, I just wish there was someone who I could lean on. I am that one girl who sits alone all the time and cries herself to sleep.

I don't want to continue guys. So here, have a half finished fucking rant. 

Hope your life is better than mine.