So like I said in my poem/song thing, I wanted to discuss some things. And they're super personal. If I say something like 'im worthless' or something self-degrading, I don't want someone to comment saying that I'm not. I just need to get this off my chest.

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So. Mental conditions and eating disorders. This topic is very serious. There are a lot of mental conditions, such as depression and anxiety, the most common, and others that are less known, like psychosis (disruptions to a person's thoughts and deceptions that make it hard for a person to recognize what's real and what isn't) and BPD [borderline personality disorder] (sever and unstable mood swings, impulsivity, instability, poor self-image, and stormy relationships). Eating disorders. Anorexia, where you starve yourself, and bulimia, where you make yourself throw up after you've eaten in order to stay skinny.

I suffer from everything mentioned except bulimia. Why do I have anorexia, you may ask?

Tell me this: how easy do you think it is being out of breath and almost passing out after doing a few sprints back and forth in our small gym. How easy do you think it is not being able to wear certain clothes because of your size. How easy do you think it is being outcast because of your weight. Not easy. I'll touch on this more in a little, but let's explain my psychosis and BPD.

My psychosis isn't anything like 'butterflies as people's eyes and ants crawling over my and into my skin'. It's 'are they really happy to see me or am I making this up?' 'People don't smile when they see me. This is fake. She's not happy to see me. She's faking it so I'm not hurt' 'why are they hugging me? Is this really happening? Nobody cares about me, so this must be made up'. Sad, I know. But it's just what I have.

BPD. Poor self image is really major in there. Mood swings too, and instability. For mood swings, I could be laughing and smiling one moment, and crying the next. Instability. Mental instability. Poor self image. From what I said about psychosis, you can figure out what I mean there.

Let's go back to my anorexia. While it may sound ridiculous, like I'm losing my mind, like my life is falling apart, I have voices in my head. I am losing my mind, my life is falling apart. While everyone has voices, like the angel and demon (reference to LetMeExplainStudios), mine are... different. I have one angel, and a million demons. One 'demon' in particular, Anna, is what causes me to not eat. She whispers things in my ear constantly.  

Sometimes I ignore her and listen to my angel, Zach. But more often than not, I listen to her.

TRIGGER WARNING AHEAD, PLEASE LEAVE NOW IF YOU HAVE HURT YOURSELF, DO NOW, STARVE YOURSELF, HAVE STARVED YOURSELF, HAVE TRIED TO KILL YOURSELF OR ARE PLANNING TO. I REPEAT, PLEASE LEAVE NOW. I WILL DISCUSS SUICIDE, CUTTING, AND ANOREXIA, BUT MORE SEVERE THAN ABOVE. LAST CHANCE, PLEASE LEAVE NOW. TRIGGER WARNING AHEAD!

Day and night, asleep or awake. 

'You're worthless.'

'Nobody cares about you'

'Just kill yourself, nobody would miss you'

'If you don't eat, you'll be pretty'

'You're just fat and nerdy and have no friends'

'Everyone hates you'

'They're only friends with you out of pity'

'Do you really think you mean something to them?'

'Nobody will care if you killed yourself'

'Whenever you think you're pretty, I'm here to remind you that you're not'

So I hardly eat. I forced myself to eat my lunch today. I role myself it was good to eat. But she was there.

'Eating has made you the way you are'

So I hate my 3 small chicken wings, and when someone asked why I wasn't eating, said I was full.

I'm starving.

I'm exhausted.

She keeps me awake at night. I haven't slept in a week. And I'm back to cutting my thighs again. 

Just when I think I'm better, when I've reached the surface of the water to breathe, another wave crashes into me, pushing me down farther than before. I've stopped hearing Zach. His voice used to be constantly running through my head, but now I hardly hear him. He is what I focused on when it got hard. When my friends left, when I began to cut, when I fell into depression, when I'm sitting alone, whenever.

And when I'm alone, I only hear Anna.

'Zach left because he gave up on you, just like everyone else.'

'You're a lost cause. Nobody will love you.'

'When's the last time someone you know in real life told you they cared about you?'

'Everybody hates you.'

One of the quotes I keep close to my heart is one said to me by Isaac. 

"Sweet dreams, I hope I'm in them. Goodnight, sleep tight, dream of me with all your might. As the day fades into night, keep your worries out of sight. Close your eyes and go to sleep, all good times are yours to keep. Sweet dreams and goodnight"

That really calmed me down. Just knowing that someone cares about me. But again, there was Anna.

'He doesn't really care. I bet he sent that to everyone. You're not special. Just a worthless bitch.'

So instead of quotes like that, I turn to depression quotes.

"'Are you okay?'

So much pain in that one question,

That for a moment,

You feel your mask slip away,

For a moment,

You realize,

You were never okay..."

This is not something to be taken lightly. 20% of teens have depression. 14% have eating disorders. 121 people kill themselves everyday, which, as a percentage, would be 13.26%. Add that up, and that's 47.26%. Almost 50% of people in the U.S. suffer from mental illnesses and suicidal thoughts/actions.