Guys, I don't know. I don't even know how to say this...

No, she's not dead. Bri isn't dead. But, I don't know if I'd even feel emotion if she was. Emotions have... left. I only feel one thing: grief.

Grief for my past self. Grief for who I used to be. Grief for the life I lost. Grief for not being who I or anyone wants. Grief.

It's hard. Keeping a smile on my face every day in to try to convince myself this world isn't as fucked up as it seems. Continuing to fight this battle. Putting on my fake self when I go to school and am around my parents. I want to give up. It's never seemed more appealing.

I'll finally be freed from this stupid, horrible life. These thoughts have come more and more frequently. And,it's not helping that I can hardly have a conversation with my friends over text, because we're all so busy. I've kept it all bottled up for so long.

I'm trying to control myself and not just always dump problems on people I just meet and my friends. But it's so fucking hard. I can't even cut. Someone will question me about it. So I just take my mechanical pencil and stab my arm, drag it across, doing what I'd do if it was a knife. I have one next to me now. And it's so, so tempting.

What's stopping me from cutting my wrists now? What's stopping me from killing myself? Fear. Not of where I go when I die, of what people will say when I'm gone.

"She was never strong."

"I never liked her."

"She was a crybaby."

"She was weird."

"She was a nerd."

"That fatass is finally gone."

"Finally."

What will they think of me?

Everyone knows me as a happy, cheerful, smart, bookwormy girl. Nothing can ever make me sad.

But what I'm dealing with is killing me. The threat that my best friend will kill herself. Going to a school where nobody knows me and I'll be alone always (good and bad). All this homework. Not being able to hear my best friends voice, even for a second.

It's so hard to keep on living. Death is so tempting. But I can't bring myself to...