So this is gonna be a rant. Basically me hating on my shitty life.

Does anyone really get me? Sure, people will say they understand, but do they really? What if they're just saying that to make me feel better about myself? I dunno. I just don't think anyone truly gets my life.

Yeah I'll tell people what's going on or just say I'm tired or okay or fine when someone asks me if I'm okay, but I'm so scared to actually tell someone my true feelings. The last time I did that, the person I told took those feelings and twisted them, belittling and blackmailing me. I didn't tell my parents because I was so scared. But what hurt the most is that I truly believed her when she said she didn't like me, that I'm too clingy.

Why would I believe her? I get told all the time. I don't ever dare to get close to people. Remember my best friend I talked about who has a boyfriend? Yeah well we haven't talked in almost 2 weeks. I'm terrified that she's forgotten about me, that I'm being replaced, that she doesn't remember me. I'm scared to talk to her for fear of how our conversation will go. The last time I talked to her, she said she couldn't talk because she has a fuck ton of homework.

I miss her so much. But I don't want to talk to her. I want her to have her space, to be her without worrying about me. So I'm changing. When I go into high school next year, I'm not going to show my shy, depressed, anxious side. I'm going to stride in there, makeup done perfectly, not one strand of hair out of place, head held high.

Who am I kidding. I could never. I'm just going to end up sitting in the corner crying every day. I say I don't like poorly, but when I'm alone, it kills me. I've started kinda cutting. I take my mechanical pencil and press it as far into my skin as possible without breaking the skin, and I'll scratch the pencil across my wrists, pressing down. It's comforting. It relives some of the pain. Pain cancels out pain.

And don't get me started on my voices. I've got a hundred voices that tell me I'm worthless, that I don't deserve to live, that I should kill myself, I'm fat, ugly, unpopular, nerdy, will never be liked my anyone, and I believe them. But before I can do anything serious, I hear one voice. "Don't listen to them. They don't know what they're saying. You are loved. You're beautiful, caring, smart, and confident. You have a purpose. You're strong enough to fight it. Don't give up yet. You've got so much to live for."

He's kept me alive. But up when I go to school and see her, hear certain songs, see certain things, it breaks me apart. When I realize I've got nobody I can wholeheartedly trust, it takes all I have not to cry. They don't notice me when I come in to school with eyes red from crying. They don't notice my wrists. They don't notice my tears. They don't notice my pain. Yet they all,notice my flaws.

We had to do a presentation in front of the whole class today, and I just stood up there, voice shaking, holding my arms close to myself, shrinking down, anxiety killing me. I thought I would die when I messed up. They all laughed.

And yesterday, I asked someone if it was pronounced poor-sh or poor-shuh. She said something that I thought was "what is that" and I say "it's a car Amanda". Everyone around bursted out laughing, and I felt my face go red. I put my head in my hands and covered as much of my face as possible, trying not to cry.

I'm so socially awkward and anxious about everything, that I can't even walk into school without trying not to have a panic attack. Do you know how hard it is to even talk in front of my class? Ugh, I'm freaking out now, I need to sleep. I guess I'll continue this when I calm down

~~~

K I'm better. Like I was saying, nobody gets me. I lost 3 of my OC's (thankfully not drawn yet) but I'm panicking because they all have a little pice of me in them. My depression, my likes and dislikes, my insecurities. And if someone found them, they'd know that I'm depressed. I told 2 people about my depression. And I'm petrified they'll tell.

I dropped my quotes that I have on notecards all over the classroom floor, and somebody leaned down to help me. I think they saw one, because they gave me this look like 'you okay? That quote wasn't very happy." Everyone still thinks of me as the preppy, cheerful person. I have to put on this brace face like nothing's wrong, and it kills me.

I've resorted to music as my escape. It blocks out my hell and replaces it with my fantasies about what life I want. I was singing in the car on the way to my brothers soccer game, and I forgot someone from my class who plays soccer was in the car with us. I was singing, and then my mom turned down the music so it was background noise while I sang.

Once I realized you couldn't hear the music, I immediately stopped and blushed like a tomato. I can't even sing like most people in front of an audience. And get this: we've got to do a solo music test soon.

Singing alone in front of people. I'm fucking screwed. And I know the nonexistent ones of you who are worried about me and my 'cutting', here's a picture to show you I don't actually pierce my skin:

The red line is pen. I swear. I know the lighting isn't the best, but I tried. And yes, that's my ear and part of my hair in the picture. I was leaning out so you didn't have to see my shitty face. Don't wanna break your screens.

Here's a retake, you can see better. Again, the red is pen. If someone can find my IRL friend who refuses to tell me her user (*hack* pleeeaaaassseeeee I trusted you with my depression *cough*), you can PM her and ask her.

But yeah. I've resorted to this in hopes that someone would see and care and stop me. Oh well, nobody cares. Hope I didn't ruin your day with my shitty life. I bet you a face reveal that this won't get more than 3 views.

If you're than interested in seeing my ugly ass face, spread the word. I'm praying you don't, but hey, up to you. Break your phone screen or keep it.

Make

Your

Motherfucking

Choice.