I'm an absolute idiot. He sent me a contact request today.

Did I ignore it?

Of course not.

I accepted it.

And now I'm crying. I need to delete him again but I just can't bring myself to. I don't want to forget him. I still want him to be a part of my life, even if it's not the way it was before.

I need to vent.

Can I vent?

I'm going to vent.

It's been 6 days. I've ignored him. But last night, I was just falling asleep when I saw the drawing sitting on my desk. I kept it.

And everything washed over me again.

I stayed up for 3 more hours crying. And I just kept whispering to myself "you need to let him go"

Which made me cry more.

It's so hard to forget someone who made me feel the way I did when I was with him. And yeah, I know like everyone on her is going to be like "honey, I know it's hard, but you need to let him go. It won't do you any good to keep bringing him up"

YOU DONT THINK I ALREADY KNOW THAT

IVE BEEN TRYING

I CUT MYSELF OFF FROM HIM

I BURNED EVERY REMINDER (except the drawing because I couldn't bring myself to)

IVE SURROUNDED MYSELF LINKIN PARK AND P!ATD AND MCR AND GREEN DAY

YET HERE I AM

I still love him

Now why don't we travel down memory lane.

Our first conversation over skype. When he gave me the nickname Jesus. We kept making sex jokes. We were joking with each other, playing truth or truth. Getting to know each other.

The first time he started flirting with me. "Sweet dreams, I hope I'm in them; you're already in mine. Goodnight, sleep tight, dream of me with all your might. As the day fades into night, keep your worries out of sight. Close your eyes and go to sleep, all good times are yours to keep. Sweet dreams and goodnight."

The first time he actually called me his girlfriend. "I have the best girlfriend ever."

All of those times... I have so many more memories with him.

When he first called me his rose.

When he called me his little lion.

The first time he called he beautiful.

The first time I told him I loved him.

The first time we had a little fight.

The first time I saw him.

The first time I sang for him.

The first time he sang for me.

The first time I played an instrument for him.

The first time he played and instrument for me.

All of those were replaying in my head last night.

And I miss it. Those few months of my life were special. They were happier.

But the distance got the best of us.

I don't think I've ever cried as much as I did on Christmas. I wish there was a way I could tell him I missed him so it hurt him as much as it hurt me.

I wish he knew how badly he hurt me.

Hell, he made me so happy that the instant he hurt me, my family knew. "Are you okay?" "Are you still talking to Isaac?" "Did something happen with you and Isaac?"

Which only resulted in me crying more because no, I'm not okay, no, I'm not talking to Isaac, and yes, something did happen.

But I have keep it in. They don't know we were together.

But oh well. I'm an idiot and I added him back.

Let's see how this plays out...

Did you know that accidentally stabbing yourself in the boob with a log hurts like hell.