Chapter One: Emotion

Chrono

Is it possible for a human to shut down its emotion?

Angst, pain, and wrath--these are the emotions that hinder the will to live. But if you get rid of it, you will indeed sacrifice joy, love, and pleasure, which is some people's reason to live. But this is the better option than to suffer. Or else, I won't survive in this tormenting world.

This is the reality--I thought.

I was six years old back then when my father scolded me. Drawn with tears, I went to Mom in the kitchen who is preparing for lunch with Yaya.

I gripped her cloth and pulled it lightly to get her attention. When she turned to me, she immediately dropped her spatula on the table and removed her apron. She then knelt down in front of me to level our faces and combed my hair through her fingers.

"What's happened?" she asked worriedly.

I tried to stop my tears. "W-why is Dad like that?"

"Like what, Chrono?"

"H-He doesn't love me," I replied, "He's a monster." This was what I felt at that moment because my father never treated me just like my mother did to me. He always works, works, and works even at home or even while dining in the kitchen. Neglecting me and my old brother's presence, except when we did something wrong.

She paused for a moment, sighed, and started to wipe the tears on my cheeks with her thumb. She answered, "Of course he loves you! Pagod lang ang Dad mo sa work, Chrono."

Later that night, when I woke up to drink water, I heard them fighting in the kitchen.

"What have you done with our son again?" Mom shouted.

"Don't you know how much that sports car he scratched?" Dad shouted back.

"Do you really have to prioritize material things over your son?"

"You know how hard I went just to achieve these you called 'material things!' Pasalamat ka nalang dahil nadamay ka pa sa kayamanan ko!"

"Eh, ang mga anak ko? Pinaghirapan ko rin sila simulang nasa sinapupunan ko sila!"

"IKAW LANG NAMAN ANG NAMILIT NA MAGKAANAK TAYO!"

When I woke up in the morning, Mom was gone.

That's how it ends when you open up your problems with someone. That small problem leads to chaos.

But Mom told me it's the only way to escape from pain--to vent it with her. Little did I know, I became a mixture of air in her balloon. Every time I opened up, she was inflated by my emotions. Until. . .

She exploded.

How stupid of me to believe in her saying that "everything will be alright." It was all a lie--lie to comfort me. Using flowery words to hide the reality. In the end, it's her who broke her own words.

I should've never talked about my emotion. But it's painful to just keep it to myself. Very painful--not until I learned to shut down my emotion.

Anger can be gone by erasing the ego.

Grief can get used to it thru time and frequency.

Anxiety faded thru acceptance of reality.

And apathy was the best way to avoid absorbing other people's emotions.

But then, another emotion popped up. The loneliness. And it's the only emotion you can't escape from.

Why? Why is it so hard to live?

Until I met Laeron, the loneliness had gone. From greys, all the colors came back. Just like my mom, I felt the same care and attention from him. And so, I don't want to lose him. I won't repeat the same mistake I've made to my mother. I concealed all my worries and dilemmas from him.

I thought I did great with him. And yet, he left one day without a word. Though I understood him when Dad told me they had an emergency, so they needed to move places immediately.

I started to feel lonely again. So I tried to seek friends.

The first one I approached was my seatmate. I thought I finally made friends with him. But after a week, he said he didn't want to hang out with me anymore because I was "boring."

Later, I found another friend and shared my interest so I would not be called a boring person again. I told him the story of Hitler on how he won the war. Then next is the tactics of Sun Tzu in his book "Art of War."

He then told me:

"The books you're reading are boring. Do you have any--"

"You're just stupid," I butted in. How could he not get the idea of how these people created a huge impact on history?

Then he cried and ran away.

On the next morning, he pretended as if he never knew my existence. So I tried to search for another friend, with a question, "What should I do this time in order not to lose them?"

Then I found a letter in my locker. It says,

"Dear Chrono, magkita tayo sa school pool pagkauwian. May gusto akong sabihin."

-Anonymous

I stared long at the letter. Why didn't the writer just write the whole message here? It piqued a bit of my curiosity, so I went to the place that was told.

While waiting, I sat down and watched the movement of the orange clouds of the sky through the reflection of the waving water on the pool.

"Chrono!"

I looked up where the voice came from--it was a girl. I stood up and faced her until she finally neared in front of me.

Her cheeks were red. She looked away and wiped the sweat on her forehead. Gripping on her blouse, she finally took the courage to look at me straight into my eyes. But then she looked away again.

Why was it taking too long?

"If you want to say something, say it now," I said.

Humarap muli siya sa akin at pinikit nang todo ang mga mata. "Gusto kita!" sigaw niya.

I blinked my eyes, waiting for her next words.

Lalong namula ang mukha niya.

Minutes of silence had passed. She was still frozen.

"G-Gusto kita," she repeated.

She liked me. I creased my forehead. What's that supposed to mean? Did she mean she likes me to be her friend?

I lent my hand and said, "I accept your friendship."

But then, tears dropped in her cheeks, and then she ran--sobbing.

Nanghina ang mga paa ko kaya napaupo ako sa sahig. Dumidilim na ang kapaligiran. Muli akong tumitig sa tubig kung saan sumasalamin din ang namumula nang kalangitan.

"Why it's so hard to make friends?" I asked myself.

Is it me who has a problem? But I already did everything.

Suddenly, I remembered Laeron. I didn't do anything to begin our friendship, and he never questioned my words and actions. But why were these people so hard to approach?

I stood up and clenched my fist.

"I'm done," I said and went home.

In the next morning, it's valentines. Pagkabukas ko ng locker ay nahulog ang mga chocolates sa sahig dahil sa dami.

"Who the hell would put too much glucose in my locker?" I whispered to myself, "Do they want me to get diabetes?"

Buti na lamang ay may malapit na basurahan. Muntik pa akong ma-late dahil dito.

Nang tanghalian, habang naglalakad sa hallway papuntang canteen, may mga nahuhuli akong nakatingin sa akin. Nakaririnig din ako ng mga bulungan.

"Tinapon niya raw lahat ng chocolates na binigay sa kaniya?"

"Masyadong feeling guwapo."

"Buti nga siya may chocolates, eh. Ako wala."

"Wala siyang pakialam sa effort ng mga nagbigay sa kaniya."

"Heartless monster."

Napahinto ako sa huli kong narinig.

Heartless monster--Just like how I described my father. Am I like my father?

"Hala, huminto siya!"

"Ang lakas kasi ng boses mo, narinig ka!"

I breathed deeply and sighed.

Ignore. Shut down your ego, Chrono, and just pretend that you are deaf. Because even if you defend yourself, they will always misunderstand.

Pagkabalik ko sa classroom ay ako rin ang pinag-uusapan nila.

"Nabiktima rin ako ni Chrono. He told me I'm stupid. He's so rude!"

Isn't he the rude one? Telling those books is boring? That's way too offensive for the author who worked hard for its meaningful book, isn't it?

"Plus, boring din siya kasama kaya," sabi naman ng katabi ko sa upuan.

Calling me boring--isn't it more rude? But why do these people just agree with him? Why it's so different when it's me who did the action compared to them?

I'm done. It's enough. I'm not a masochist to let myself suffer.

Because of them, I learned a very valuable lesson. I found the answer to get rid of the loneliness--

It is to accept that I was born different.

That I, Lychrono T. Qiel, will always be alone--

Forever

-mvcabusas