People have a tendency to disappoint you.

They always find a way to make things worse than they already are. They always make you want to cry or feel doomed and all those feelings that follow. I tend to disappoint people. I have disappointed the ones I love the most so many times, I cannot even count with my fingers anymore.

But, I'm hurt. God, I am so hurt. They break me. They appall me and I'm sick of it. I want to give them what they deserve, but I still don't, cause I guess I'm too good for that.

My dad basically hates me; he said it to my face that day"what did I do wrong with you?" It fucking broke me. From all the disappointments in my life, that one hurt the most. It went straight to my heart and broke anything good I had there. I could handle other people making me weak, downgrading me, misjudging me, hurting me on purpose, but this one was my real first heartbreak. Making your own father wonder what is wrong with you...while I was just being me... and I was such a goodie two shoes.

Then him. He is the only guy that makes me feel so vulnerable, so exposed. People say I'm tough. That I always put others to their place and always state my opinion not being afraid (honestly I am but whatever I still do it). He is the only one. The only one that I want to fucking hate so much. The one that makes me wanna kiss him, makes me wanna be there for him, hold him when things go unplanned, be there for him when life fucks him up again. I freaking love that guy with all my heart. I've been since like seven years old. Eleven years aren't just nothing. Eleven years have held me back from moving...

So when I saw you today, it fucking broke me. Because I knew you were there and I didn't come up to you and hug the life out of you, I didn't come to you and say how I feel, I didn't tell you that I'll be there for you even if you have pushed me away and want to protect me in a sick kind of way. So I just stood there, staring at you.

And then, I talked. I talked to my best friend and I know you knew I was there, I know you saw me. But you just left. In front of me. You stood there for a second and then just left. Just like that.

Why did you have to do that!? I know you wanted to talk to me or else you wouldn't look back, you wouldn't have stood there and stare back at me, you wouldn't have seen me tear up again. You would have just said hi because you wouldn't care about me and then leave. I was so broken and you knew. You have always known for fuck's sake, but it hurts. It hurts so badly, because no matter how many times you've screwed up with me, I'll always be there. I'll always come back to you.

It sounds pathetic, but I can't help it and I'm sorry. I can't help feeling my knees going weak, or I can't help when you pass me by and my hands start to tremble, or when my mouth opens trying to say those words you know I cannot say, or when my whole body vibrates with every single step you take, or whenever I see you and my heart starts to hurt, with the same feeling that I have tred hiding.

I always hurt people I care for because I just keep going back to you. People that love me, people that haven't hurt me once, people that was there for me when you weren't. But I still do.

And I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry I keep breaking all over again, just because of you and all at once you fix me with saying what I want you to say...what I expect you to say.

But do you really want to say it? I know there is something. I know it's not just one sided and I know you still care...so why do we have to pain each other? Why do we give each other so much pain, for me it's unbearable.

You are the only one that makes me human, that keeps me sane, that makes me want to be human, want to feel emotions and not hide them anymore, emotions I want to show...

just for you.

-Starstruck-