Aaron’s mother and father had attended Jeanna’s funeral, their hearts full of sorrow and worry for their eldest son. His mother had called to check on him countless times after they had returned to Middletown. His brother, Jon, had decided to move in with him, making himself a bed on the couch. He watched after his older brother, afraid he would do something irrational.

Weeks later, Aaron sat alone in his bedroom, wearing three day old clothes and staring at the small box in his hands. The scruff on his face had grown uncontrollably. His once bright and vibrant blue eyes had dulled and aged. He hadn’t left the apartment since the funeral, already having to take a personal leave from Next to Normal. He suddenly felt his mortality.

He couldn’t seem to process that he was alone and that Jeanna was never coming back. The sound of medical and police sirens still echoed in his ears. He had been taken in for questioning even though the authorities had the note that Jacqui had written. Search parties had been released to find Risa, though there was no sign of her anywhere. He was beginning to lose hope. He had failed Jeanna by bringing Jacqui into their lives. Losing their child was even worse, making Aaron feel like a total failure.

“It was getting better,” he whispered, his dry lips cracking with each word. He flipped open the ring box, his eyes focusing on the marquise cut diamond. He hadn’t been given a chance. Angrily, he snapped the box closed and threw it across the room. It’s all my fault.

Gloomily, he stumbled into the kitchen and took a short, thick glass off the shelf, slipping a few pieces of ice into it before pouring himself a generous swallow of bourbon. He brought the glass to his lips and downed it all, grimacing slightly as it burned his throat. He quickly had another. It seemed to be the only way to numb reality.

After a while the kitchen started to blur and spin and Aaron put the bottle down. Somehow he found his way to the couch. In his stupor, he pushed aside the blanket and pillow Jon had been using on the couch and lied down and managed to turn the television on.

~*~

The next morning, Aaron woke to find himself in his bed. His head was pounding and the memories of last night’s diversion came flooding back to him. Slowly, Aaron threw the duvet off his body and sat up. He groaned, the motion making his head hurt worse. A glass of water and bottle of Advil rested on his bedside table, probably due to Jon. He must have helped move Aaron to his bed when he got home.

“Aaron?” Jon lightly rapped on the door. “Can I come in?”

Aaron grunted his acceptance as he twisted the Advil bottle open.

Jon proceeded cautiously. “Do you think you’re ready to go back to the show yet?” The hollow look in his brother’s eyes made him regret his words. It had been weeks since Jeanna’s passing and Risa’s disappearance… he had hoped that getting Aaron back into the normal day-to-day functions would help him heal. “Maybe we can just take small steps… you want to go with me to the grocery store?”

Aaron grunted, taking another gulp of water before running his hands down his face and over the hairs of his full beard. Somewhere inside him, Aaron knew he had to move on. But it just wasn’t going to be that easy. Not only had he lost the love of his life, but he had lost his baby. Her baby. Tears stung his eyes and he pressed his palms to his closed eyelids, trying to keep them from spilling. “Yeah,” he mumbled. “I need to shower.”

The hot water washed over his body and the perfumes from the shampoo and soap cleaned the oily feeling from his skin. He stepped out of the shower, drying off and wrapping the towel around his waist. Then, he started the work with the razor, making his cleft chin visible once more.

“I made you this to help with your hangover,” Jon said once Aaron had emerged from his room, clean and now clad in sweatpants and a t-shirt. “We’ll leave shortly, if that’s okay with you.”

“Thanks, Jon.” He took the glass of Jon’s opaque concoction and sipped it, trying not to grimace at the taste.

The sound of Aaron’s home telephone ringing stopped the brothers on their way out the door. No one had called his phone in months, so it could only be one person… He dashed to answer it, clumsily in his haste, and brought the receiver up to his ear. “Hello?”

“Mr. Aaron Tveit?” The voice on the other end was deep and serious.

“Speaking,” Aaron managed to breathe out. A solid feeling of dread sat in the bottom of his stomach. Had they found Risa’s body yet?

“Good afternoon, Mr. Tveit. I have a few things I’d like you to look at. Could you come down to the station today in, let’s say, an hour?”

Aaron felt like he was going to be sick. “Sure. Thanks.” The line went dead and Aaron slowly placed the phone in its cradle. Jon looked at him expectedly. “That was the detective. He has some things he wants me to identify.”

Jon didn’t say anything. He slowly made his way over to his big brother and wrapped his arms around him. He comforted him while Aaron let the tears he had so desperately tried to hide out. Aaron racked with sobs. It’s all my fault.

~*~

Later at the police station, Aaron had met Detective Wilson and was led into a small conference room. The detective shut the door and the blinds to offer privacy. He carefully set down a thick file in front of Aaron.

“If any of this gets to be too much, by all means say so. I’d like you to take a look at these pictures and see if you recognize anything.” His deep voice was gentle and sympathetic.

Aaron took a deep breath and ran his hand over his face. I can do this. Slowly, he opened the folder and peered at the first photograph of a purple t-shirt with a unicorn on it, stained by blood. Had Risa had a unicorn shirt? “No,” he said confidently. Aaron placed the photograph upside down next to the detective before picking up another.

He continued like this for an hour, feeling a rush of anxiety and dread every time he looked at a new photo. He didn’t recognize anything and so the detective didn’t have a definitive answer that they were on the right track to finding Risa. Aaron didn’t know what he felt. A part of him wanted to be able to identify something of his daughters. At least that way there would be a better lead on where her body was. Another part of him was glad he didn’t see anything of hers. It gave him some small shred of a hope that she was still out there, alive.

He shook hands with the detective and led himself out of the conference room and out to where Jon was waiting for him. “I’m not really feeling up to going out today, Jon. Would you please just take me home?”

Jon nodded, reaching out and squeezing Aaron’s shoulder. He didn’t know what to say to his older brother. All he could do was be there for him physically. He hoped that counted as something.

Once he was back home, Aaron dressed down to his underwear and climbed back in bed. His eyes caught sight of the bottle of Advil still resting on his bedside table. Slowly, he sat back up and grabbed the bottle from the table. It’s all my fault. He twisted the cap off the medicine bottle and poured a generous amount into the palm of his hand.

“What are you doing, Aaron?” Jacqui’s voice behind him made him jump, spilling his handful of pills on the floor.

“What are you doing here?!” He jumped up and turned around quickly, facing her. “Where is she?”

“Relax, old man. The police are on their way.” She spoke smoothly and stared at her perfectly manicured hands. The question wasn’t asked, but it was written all over Aaron’s face. Jacqui shrugged. “Motherhood just wasn’t cut out for me. Your brat is on the couch. You can see her if you’d like.”

At that, Aaron flew past Jacqui and entered the living room. Risa laid sprawled unconsciously on the sofa, wearing a pair of overalls. “Risa!” Aaron yelled, dropping to her side and pulling her to his chest. “Come on, Baby.” He tried to coo her awake and rubbed her sternum.

She groaned, “Daddy?”

“I’m here, Baby. I’m here,” he leaned down and pressed a kiss to her temple. “I love you so much.”

“I love you, too.” Her voice was weak and she couldn’t hold her eyes open.

“What have you done to her?!” he demanded, pulling Risa into his lap to cradle her easier.

“She’s just groggy… probably from the sleeping pills. God, it’s the only way I could get her to shut up! She’s such a whiney little thing! ‘I want my mommy!’ ‘I want my daddy!’ wha wha wha!” Jacqui flicked her hair back, rolling her eyes as she spoke.

There was a pounding sound at the door, and, before Aaron could say anything, a team of policemen filed into the living rooms, firearms pointed at Jacqui. “Hands up!”

“I bet you guys thought this was too easy, huh? Thought you could get me just like this?” Jacqui smirked, taking the gun that was tucked into the back of her jeans. She looked at Aaron, her eyes full of tears. “I only wanted you to think of me,” she said, placing the cool metal to her temple and pulling the trigger.