These are some that I've actually used/been waiting to use for a while! Enjoy!

Someone: "Shut up no one asked."

Me: "Then why are you listening?"

Someone: "I'm not listening I just hear the sound of your voice."

Me: "Yk, its funny, how no one asked."

Someone: "Then why are you listening?"

Me: "I'm not listening I just hear the sound of your voice."

Me: "Now you see how lame of a comeback that is." *winks, grins, does finger guns and walks away*

(This may or may not have been a friend, but I am just so fed up with being shut up)

And yet another time that same friend walked into my trap:

Someone: "Shut up no one asked."

Me: "Then why are you listening?"

Someone: "I'm not listening!"

Me: "Hmm you're right, you never do, thats why you're failing [insert class name here]." *Slinks away*

Not used on a friend, but rather a bully >:3

Me: "You know what? Good luck in life. You'll go far. I hope you stay there."

Some other ones for 'shut up':

"If I wanted your opinion, I'd ask for it.

"I'm not shutting up, I'm just waiting for a more intelligent response."

"Sorry, I don't take orders from people I don't respect. You know what they say, 'experience outranks everything' and with that lame of a comment, you don't even outrank a fly." (Love this one bc of the reference <3)

"If I shut up, who will you argue with?"

"Aww, look at it, it thought that would work!"

"Come on, use your big-kid words, I'll wait."

"Oh, sorry, did you mistake me for someone who values your opinion?"

"Why don't you save your breath for something useful, like inflating a life raft for when you inevitably sink this conversation?"

"I'd love to shut up, but your constant stupidity is too entertaining to ignore."

Random other ones:

When you're telling the truth but people say you're being mean/critical: "I don't sugar coat crap, im not Willy Wonka."

Someone: "You're a looser!"

Response: "Thanks for noticing! Any other life-changing revelations you'd like to share with me?"

Someone: "Calm down, it was just a joke"

Response: "Don't make me angry then tell me to 'calm down.' Thats like stabbing someone and wondering why they're bleeding."

"Oops, my bad. I could've sworn I was dealing with an adult."

Someone: *being rude*

Response: "Ooo, you wanna kiss me so bad, don't you?"

Someone: "Well, sorry, I'm an idiot" *being sarcastic and snarky after one of my comebacks*

Response: "If there's one thing I've learned, its to never be sorry for who you are."

-OR- (if you prefer the avatar the last airbender version)

Someone: "Well, sorry, I'm an idiot" *being sarcastic and snarky after one of my comebacks*

Response: "A wise person once told me, 'always remember who you are.' It looks like you're taking that advice quite well."

More soon!