Chapter #3 The What Ifs

First what if, would teenage me have been enough to provide Arlene with what she was seeking, out and independent? ... Which leads to the other choices of main life paths to take, responsibility or party life. Or somehow an equal balance, where being a couple would've possibly kept Michelle and Len together. Tammy and Chad would have fell naturally together and most likely have stayed together to this day. Of course one may wonder would they still have the same or similar children; if it was, their destiny to be mothers. Possibly would the girls tried to fix up Brian and Barb. One of those amusing couples where they are complete opposite in size.

I have a strange feeling that would've been an ideal situation in a whole other era like the fifties. Our youthful ideas most likely threw wrenches into life's gear-works. Intoxicants were certainly sought in those years, for what ever reason being complete goodie goodies wasn't for any of us.

The what ifs, of the twenties? ... Good or bad I think it might have been the best time for any of us as we were trying to straighten up from our teen years.

Arlene, Len and myself were still getting messed up on a regular basis. Len was soon to be a daddy. Arlene no longer hung out with Tammy and Michelle despite living near by. Michelle and Tammy became more like family to each other than their own: having the kids so close in age helped. By our mid twenties Chad was a write off to us. We left the door open for him, but he literally closed an elevator door on us one day living in the same building.

The time Tammy and I dated, then, was pleasant, I just never felt one hundred percent in the relationship itself: Tammy not being an overly affectionate person and both of us guarded made her hard for me to read.

Before turning thirty I wondered if Tammy was too easily given up on. Thankfully she still had the same number and was willing to reciprocate. So far she was the best person I've allowed fully into my life. Hours spent behind the wheel with a previous service job gave too much time to think. Ricky was causing problems that Tammy didn't help with. She defensively lied, trying to avoid conflict, but made me wonder if I could truly trust her as a partner. A lot of times I felt like the relationship just wasn't right. Kept coming back to we aren't meant to be. Yet still single myself, look at my failed marriage as Karmic payback for giving up on her too easily. Getting to experience all of Tammy's worst relationships from one person, the mother of my son.

However back then, when Tammy and I had gotten back together, a few months in and still long distance Arlene made an appearance. She just happened to pay Tammy a visit. It took a minute having been a decade since, but still saw my teenage crush. Knowing the history between the girls I tried to play it cool. I had so many questions in mind but couldn't upset Tammy, like so many before. Catching Michelle making a slight handed comment towards Arlene, and Tammy smiling along saddened me. Arlene already seemed down, something in the eyes, further hurt only tugged at my heart. Arlene didn't stay much longer, nor did Michelle. Trying to discuss it with Tammy after, didn't go far.

A year later Arlene took her life in a little rental house mixed within an industrial area of London. Saddened for her final decision I kept thinking of how others could've helped her. Tammy and Michelle couldn't let bygones be bygones. Arlene's last two boyfriends were poor choices. The minimal turnout at her service made her life path seem to be a lonely one, even with a lover. From what I knew there, the guy I thought she was with couldn't handle her anymore and the new guy didn't give a shit about her.

Brian's work was right behind Arlene's rental and he put her down just for coming over to use the office fax or photocopier. Finding that out upset me, however didn't say anything to Brian knowing it was just him, being him. Len kept better informed on her but had his own things to deal with.

At the funeral service Arlene's father was one of the few to speak on her behave and though sad, was happy to see Len there, that day. Emotionally conflicted I didn't know if I should say anything. Len got up to break the silence saying the best thing he could, "when I get to heaven, I know there will be one angel there, waiting to greet me." After he also pointed out, we were having our 'Big Chill' moment. A movie based around the funeral of suicide and the friends still carrying on. Well Barb didn't come down and Brian wasn't going to show either. Wasn't many at her funeral, probably more than will be at mine.

She was obviously reaching out back then. I worried about how Arlene might have felt seeing us all keeping our distance that last day and me dating Tammy. She'd recognize Brian for sure, but like me Brian can be clueless. I could see Len not telling me, so I wouldn't chat her up. Hate to think she felt like we were all shunning her.

What if, before and into our thirties? I was in a better place, working, semi-stable. Living out in the quiet of Point Pelee, which would either help one to induce more or sober up. Those years I smoked more cigarettes than pot and rarely touched alcohol. Would've made the move into a city or town nearby like I did for Tammy. Wonder if I still would've ended up in Chatham. Only moved here because Tammy needed job opportunities within reach. Plus we needed cheap housing for five, by this time Tammy had her third, Sarah. If I left Tammy for Arlene, I know even if it was done honestly none of us would be friends any longer. However here it is thirty years since youth and Brian is the last of that group I socialize with.

Back to the day I stopped over to see Tammy when Arlene last visited would be the simplest intersection in time to start from. "Get the 'DeLorean' out of the garage."