I will not have you.

I am the girl sold for two cows
And you, sweet depression, are the man I'm promised to.
My parents didn't perfect this cursed marriage,
But they didn't object
When I lacked all wisdom
And fell for you at fourteen.

But now that I'm walking down the aisle
I realise that while I'm not sure about much
I'm sure about this:

I will not have you.

If you want me at the altar
You will have to haunt me, back me, alter
My way,
You will have to force me
And I will go down fighting.

I'll be kicking and screaming
Like I just woke up from dreaming
The worst nightmare
You brought my worst nightmares
You are my worst nightmare.

I refuse to lock myself to you 'til death do us part
And if I'm not heart enough
At least let the whole village know
I didn't go voluntarily.

Our engagement party was the first time
I thought about the first line
Of what could be my last lines
But I will not write them.

You cannot coerce me
Into doing your dirty work for you.
If you want me dead so badly
Kill me yourself, you coward.

I will not have you.

But you can't kill me
Not in a way that matters
Only ever on the inside, slowly
But never finish what you started.

You can hand me the knife
Or the pills
Or the sling
But you cannot slip this ring on my finger
If I don't give you my hand
And you can't appraise this union with a kiss
If I do not raise my face for you to reach.

Let the silence preach to the air
Because if no one stands to object
I will get up on my chair
Screaming "I am still here
I am still scared
I object to this pair."

I am not a tool.
I am no one's fool
And if you want to suck me dry
Get a straw and some fuel
But the straw won't be my last
Because I grasp for them
Hold on to my sanity
Like a friend gone too fast.

And if life, my maid of honour,
Gets on your side of the church
And throws all her curses at me
I still have my decisions as my bridesmaids
Who will never beguile me
We will get up and leave
Never to reconcile.

I will not have you.

Let this be your last warning.
You can hunt me, not harm me
All you are is a ghost
And I can fight those.
Next time I won't fall for your charms
For your sweet, toxic prose
And I will not believe you
When you tell me you're all that I have
And there's no one else left.

I won't have you, devil.

Instead I will have
Flowers in my neighbour's garden
And the cat down the street,
I will have the children's laughter in the schoolyard
And the smell of autumn after a hot summer
I will see snow again
And fall in love with winter
And when you creep back in the early December
With your friar's lantern
And your versant temper
I will take all the hope I collected
As cool rocks and chestnuts and seashells
And I will throw it at you.

I will not have you.

I will fight you.

And if you come after my loved ones,
I will fight for them, too.

(2023)