"I am so sorry Gigi. I know how hard this must be for you but I swear I will make it up to you. Just give me another chance. Please."

This is what Colin said yesterday, when he had to bail on my family's plan to commemorate the one year anniversary of my father's death. I see a pattern forming, just like the one that caused our breakup in the past. I can't help but beat myself up over the fact that I am letting him do this to me again, that I chose to be with Colin when I could have been happier with someone else, or even just on my own.

Yesterday

I thought I was finally moving forward, coming to terms with my dad no longer physically being in my life, until I woke up this morning morning. It was the one year anniversary of losing him and the second I woke up I felt physically ill. I was sweating, my pajamas completely soaked, yet I was freezing and needed layers and layers of blankets to warm me up. Once I sat up, I could feel it emerging from the pit of my stomach. I had to run to the bathroom and expel everything from my body. Living without him for the past year has been so difficult, but today, reliving the events  of what happened exactly one year prior, was unbearable. Waking up to a phone call so early in the morning, remembering sitting in the darkness in my room, staring out my window, hoping that it wasn't the call but just knowing that it was the call was easily the worst moment of my life. It was like my body knew, before I even woke up, that yesterday was the day and my body was forced to react the same way it did when I first realized that he was gone.

Once I found the strength to pull myself up from the bathroom floor, I got dressed and drove down to my mom's house. Once I arrived, I walked inside to find her, my aunt, and their parents on the couch waiting for me. It turns out that my dad's parents weren't able to make it out to my mom's house and would be grieving on their own. I thought that this was probably for the best. It was clear that my mom had started her day long before I arrived and had been crying for hours by the look of her swollen and red eyes, so just having her sister and parents around would make things a lot easier for her.

I sat with all of them on the couch and the next hour or so consisted of crying. Crying for the loss of my father, the loss of a husband, the loss of a brother, the loss of a son. I needed this. For the past year I have been holding it together as best as I could, trying to not show the pain I had been feeling since we lost him, trying to convince everyone that I was okay, that everything was fine, when it couldn't be further from the truth. I wasn't okay, and I'm still not. I knew people who lost a parent or a loved one and I tried my best to empathize with them and understand what they were feeling. I thought I understood it, but I didn't. Not until I felt the loss myself. They always say how difficult it is, but they never said it would feel like this. Like a piece of you is missing, a piece that is impossible to replace no matter how hard you try. No one can ever replace him and I would never want anyone to, but I want to feel okay again. I don't want to constantly feel like I'll never fully be put back together again.

The rest of the day was filled with home videos and stories of him. I watched him teach me how to swim in my grandparents backyard. I watched him hold my hand as he walked me into my kindergarten classroom. I watched him take me trick or treating while I dressed up as Ariel and he dressed up as King Triton. As I watched all of the home videos, I could see how he really was there for me through everything. He was perfect and I was so lucky to have him as long as I did.

By the end of the day, the tears were gone and the room was filled with laughter and joy. Of course we were heartbroken that he wasn't there with us, but reliving old memories together made things better and I know that as time goes on, things will eventually get easier.

After spending the day with my family, I drove back to LA and went to sleep, hoping to dream of old family memories with him. I wanted it to feel like he was with me again.

Today

Today I woke up feeling pain from yesterday. Pain not only from reliving the worst day of my life, but pain from realizing that Colin wasn't keeping his promise to be there for me. He missed Thanksgiving and yesterday he missed the anniversary of the loss of the most important person in my life. I don't know how much more I can take.

As I start my day, I walk over to my dresser and realize that I never opened the gift that my Papa gave to me on Thanksgiving. I find the small bag and pull out the tissue paper to reveal its contents. Looking at it instantly brings tears to my eyes, but not sad tears, they are happy. It is a wallet-sized photo of Papa, Gran Gran, my mom, and my dad before I was born. I've never seen pictures of the four of them together before I came along. My dad is pulling my mom towards him as he kisses her cheek with my grandparents on either side of them. From this picture you can easily tell how in love they are. How in love my dad is with my mom, how in love my mom is with my dad, and how in love my grandparents are with the two of them. This picture clearly shows how perfect they are for each other, and how easy it is for them to be together.

The more I look at the photo, the more I realize how this is not the case for Colin and I. Things aren't easy and they haven't been for a long time. We had one summer together, way back in community college, before our lives began going down different paths. I thought that after college we would merge our paths into one, but they kept going further in different directions. My life was here, in LA, but his was everywhere but here. His job, that he loved more than anything, was leading him to another destination, a destination that wasn't the same as mine.

I go back to my bed and hide under the covers, just like I am hiding from a conversation that needs to happen between Colin and I. I try to go to sleep to avoid thinking about my worries about my relationship with Colin, but as I lay there, my mind wonders to the real reason things aren't working. Yes, I am mad and upset that Colin keeps leaving when I need him the most, but there's more to it than that. He isn't the same guy I fell in love with back in 2014 and I have to realize that I'm not the same girl either. My wants and needs don't align with his. They gravitate towards someone else, someone I can't seem to let go of.

I need to talk to Colin as soon as he gets home.

I am sitting on the couch when Colin walks through my apartment door after he gets back from his work trip. My nerves are getting the better of me. My cheeks are burning up and my hands start to get clammy. Get it together Gianna. Get it together.

I meet him at the door and wrap my arms around him. It feels bittersweet. This can potentially be the last time I ever do this, depending on how our conversation goes tonight. I don't want to lose him completely, but I know that things can't stay as they are.

I pull back and meet his gaze. "How was your trip?"

"Oh Gianna. Who cares about the trip? I should have been here. I am so sorry. I want to be here for you. Tell me about yesterday."

"Let's go get shakes and take a walk. I need some air." This is going to be a lot harder than I thought.

We leave the apartment and walk to the local In N Out to get milkshakes. I have so many thoughts going through my head but for the life of me I can't figure out how to get them out in a way that makes sense. How do I explain all of the mixed emotions that I am feeling towards Colin right now?

My silence must have given off a vibe that something is wrong because Colin takes it upon himself to start this conversation. "Is everything okay, G? You seem really distant. Do you want to talk about your dad?"

Is everything okay? No, not really. Am I being distant? Yes, but not on purpose. Do I want to talk about my dad? Not with him, especially after he didn't show up yesterday.

My mind is spinning and I can't control what stays in my head and what races out of my mouth. "I think we need to talk, about us." Great, good job Gianna. You really couldn't be a bit more subtle?

"Okay. What do you mean?" The look on Colin's face is a mixture of confusion and fear. I pretty much just confirmed that we are having a serious discussion about our relationship and there's no turning back now. I might as well be upfront.

"Colin, do you remember when we first started dating? Back in 2014?"

"Of course I do. How could I forget?" This brings a small smile to his face, which makes me happy, but I don't want to get his hopes up for a letdown.

"That was so long ago. It feels like another lifetime, don't you think?"

"I guess? What are you getting at?"

I stare down at my feet as we walk through the streets of Los Angeles. I need to do this. Just take it step by step. I stop and face him. "Colin, I don't think I can do this anymore."

His face says it all. He is totally caught off guard and in a state of shock. It takes him a second to register what I said and find a response. "What? Why? Is this because of my work? I know I messed up. I should have been there for you on Thanksgiving and yesterday for the anniversary. I realize that now. Gianna I'm sorry."

Him bringing up Thanksgiving and the anniversary triggers something in me. I haven't showed him how mad it made me that he missed two incredibly important events in my life. "Yes Colin, you should have been there. I was upset over Thanksgiving, but I shrugged it off. I thought it was an honest mistake. But watching you make the same mistake again, less than a month later, on the anniversary of my father's death, is unforgivable. I needed you and you didn't care."

He interrupts. "No G, you can't say that I don't care. I do, I care so much-"

I can't let him finish his statement, I'm too mad and he doesn't deserve another chance to explain himself. "If you cared about me at all you would have done everything in your power to be there."

I can see the defeat in his eyes. "So that's it? I messed up twice and you're just going to give up?"

He did mess up, really bad, but I can't stand here and put all of the blame on him when I know that my heart is the one that isn't in it anymore. I need to put my anger aside and be completely honest with him. Even with all of his mistakes I feel the need to be open with him and not hide my feelings. I grab both of his hands and squeeze them, knowing that what I'm about to tell him will break his heart.

"Colin, it's not just missing important events for work. I wish that was the only problem, I really do. Can't you see that things aren't the same anymore? I'm not the same girl you fell for in 2014 and you're not the same guy I pined after. Please try to underst-"

"It's the other guy, huh?"

How does he know? I haven't talked to him since the night Colin came to my apartment for the first time since April. I immediately feel the tears well up in my eyes as ready myself to confess my feelings for someone else.

I look up at Colin and see the tears in his eyes too. "I'm sorry. I tried to push them aside but I can't. I am so sorry."

He drops my hands and that is when I know it is really over. When I look up at him I see that everything I told him is starting to register in his head.

"I had a feeling there was still something there. I saw him in the bar on Halloween and I saw your reaction to seeing him."

I have no idea what to say. I didn't know that he saw him on Halloween. I didn't know that my face expressed exactly how I was feeling in that moment of pain in the bar. I've made a mess of everything and my only response is more tears. I never wanted to hurt anyone and I have done just that.

"Gianna it's okay. Things haven't been the same since we got back together. I felt it but I didn't want to believe it. We aren't giving each other what we need and I don't think we can ever go back to how things once were. Too much time has passed."

He was right. We were a ticking time bomb. The second we got back together I think we both knew that we were on borrowed time and that things would eventually blow up in our faces. There was a timer on our relationship and it was about to expire. No matter how badly we both wanted it to work, there is no way to merge our paths into one. Our lives are too different. We can't move forward by trying to relive the past.

I throw my arms around his neck and he pulls me close. This is it. This is really it, the end. Neither of us speaks, but just by holding one another I know that we understand each other. We will always love each other, but we are no longer in love with each other. We both need to set each other free.