January

It was New Years Day and Colin still had not returned from his first trip as a travel journalist. He was supposed to be back a few days before Christmas, but the trip was extended. Colin said that they needed a few more weeks to finish the story. I felt like I was an independent person and that I could handle this, but it was harder than I imagined it would be. I was is no way ready to give up the relationship that I had worked so hard to maintain, but I missed him a lot and I just wanted him to physically be with me. It was hard to not have him for Thanksgiving. I knew he wouldn't be there, but I fully expected him to be home for Christmas and even New Years. But, with a job like his, I learned that dates were not set in stone and that there would be unexpected twists and turns. The job was to get the story and if it wasn't done by the predicted date, then the trip was extended. It didn't matter how much I missed him or how badly I wanted him to come home, he wasn't leaving until the job was done.

I was at work, about the second week into January, when my phone began to ring. Colin's name appeared on the screen, so I paused my work and answered it.

"Hello?"

"Hey G, it's me."

"How's it going? Any word on when you will be home?"

"I'm leaving tomorrow. We haven't quite finished our work, but we need a few weeks at home to brainstorm and edit the material that we have right now. I can't wait to see you, Gigi."

I was happy to hear that he was coming home, but I felt a pang of sadness pierce through me when he said that he would be leaving again in just a few weeks. "I can't wait for you to be home. I have missed you so much," I said, trying to hide my pain and exude my excitement for his return.

The next day I stayed at home all day to make sure I didn't miss his arrival. I wasn't sure exactly what time he would be home and I wanted to be here when he returned. The hours slowly passed by. 4:00 pm turned into 5:00 pm, 5:00 pm to 6:00pm, and so on until it was 11:30 pm and I heard a knock on the door. I walked over from my spot on the couch and opened it to find Colin standing there with all of his bags.

"I couldn't wait any longer. You needed to be the first person I saw," Colin said, dropping his bags and pulling me into his arms.

I wrapped my arms around him and dug my head into his chest. His body was so warm. This was the feeling I had missed so much over the past two months. "Tell me about work. I want to hear everything."

"It's been a long day. Let's save it for the morning," he said as he grabbed my hand and pulled me to my room. There was time to talk about work tomorrow. We wanted to do something else tonight.

February

Things felt normal between Colin and I again. Since he has been back, we have tried do date nights at least once a week, which have included sushi dinners, happy hours, and local concerts if any of our favorite bands were touring at the time. One of our dates was my absolute favorite. We were celebrating our first Valentine's Day together in person and decided to wait a few days until the weekend so that we could make a day out of it. That afternoon, Colin told me to get ready for the date he had planned for us. I asked him what we were doing, but he insisted that it remain a surprise. So when I got home, I hopped in the shower, put on my favorite skinny jeans, grey v-cut shirt, and my black leather jacket. I walked downstairs and he pulled up outside of my apartment to pick me up. As I got in the car, I noticed a couple of blankets, pillows, and a picnic basket.

"Are we going on a picnic?" I asked.

"Hmm, something like that, but we have a stop to make first," Colin said.

A few minutes later, we were parking on Spring Street. "I wanna show you something," Colin said, grabbing my hand and leading me to a store down the street.

We approach a store with a large, lit up sign that read "The Last Bookstore." We walked inside and it was absolutely incredible. Any way I tried to described the place could not do it justice. The only way to truly experience it was to walk inside and explore every isle in every section. How have I lived in LA for over two years and never been to this place? The store was massive, with every wall lined with books from floor to ceiling. There were multiple levels with every genre imaginable. I knew that we would be in here for a long time. It felt like I had been inside for five minutes, until Colin told me that it had been over an hour and we had to leave if we wanted to make it to the next part of our date on time. He grabbed my hand to lead me out the door and promised that we would return soon.

We got back into the car and after about 20 minutes, we ended up in Glendale on Colorado Street. This wasn't an area I had explored much of, but I was following Colin's lead. I'm sure he knew what he was doing. We got out of the car with our pillows, blankets and basket and headed towards a huge grass area, full of people, food trucks, games, and a massive movie screen.

"Wow, this is amazing! What is this place?" I asked.

"I thought that instead of your typical dinner and movie date that we could come here, to the Street Food Cinema. We pick a spot on the grass and set up our blankets and pillows, and then we can play games and get different foods from the surrounding trucks. Once it gets dark, we are going to watch a movie. Lucky for you, they are playing one of your favorites, Can't Buy Me Love."

I couldn't have asked for a better Valentine's Day. We spent the night trying at least one item from each of the food trucks, playing corn hole against another couple that we met, and then cuddling up for our movie under the stars. Within my 22 years of life thus far, this was my favorite day.

April

Colin was sent back out to finish his assignment a few weeks ago. He wasn't sure when he would be back, so I spent my time putting all of my effort into work and then hanging out with my friends when I wasn't too exhausted. Honestly, I was hoping to have work tire me out every day so that I could just sleep when I got home. It's not that I didn't want to spend time with my friends, but it was hard to watch the group hang out, full of couples, and have to be the one hanging out alone. By this point, Connor and Casey were officially in a relationship, James and his girlfriend were still going strong and Eli and Morgan have advanced from the casual hook up to dating. I wanted Colin to come back so that I could be just as happy as the rest of my friends.

Colin's absence wasn't the only reason for my gloomy April. My parents requested that I came home for a weekend so that we could spend some family quality time together. I have always been close with my parents, I was an only child and depended on them for fun and excitement as a child, but after I moved to LA for college and then stayed for my career, I haven't spent as much time with them as I would have liked to. I thought that they just missed me and wanted one of our old family days filled with a barbecue, homemade chocolate cream pie, and a movie, but things felt a bit off this time. When I walked through the door, they hugged me tighter than usual and they lacked the playful banter that we had used my entire life. It seemed as if they were walking on eggshells around me, but I ignored it. Maybe it was the fact that I hadn't seen them in a few months. I latched on to that idea for the day. Once I found out what was going on, I was glad that I held on to that idea. It was the last few hours of normalcy between the three of us.

"Let's all sit down for some pie," my mom said. We would usually eat it on the couch while we watched a movie, but she had us sit at the table with no distractions. While it may be normal for other families, this was far from normal for ours. We only ever sat at the table if there were guests over or if there was big news to be shared.

"Honey, we have something to tell you," my dad said.

"What is it?" I asked. I could tell that something was seriously wrong. They were both so serious. Their lips weren't upturned to form a smile like their normal selves. They weren't even pressed in a straight line. They were turned down. What the hell was going on?

"We didn't want to worry you right when you started your full time job. That should be an exciting step filled with joy, but I wanted to be the one to tell you before you notice on your own," my dad explained to me, clearly trying to soften the blow that I was about to take. "In August I was diagnosed with cancer, Gianna."

What the fuck. What the fuck. How? How was this possible? My dad had always been an extremely healthy person. He ate well, he never smoked, he stayed active. He was the one that got me so interested in sports. He played water polo in college and would get in the pool with me to help me practice. My mind was spinning. Then I ran the conversation through my head again. August. He was diagnosed in August. Of last year. It was now April. Of the next year.

"You've had cancer for eight months and never told me? Eight months?!" I almost screamed at them, but I lowered my voice to a conversation level. I didn't need to scream at them, my face and tone clearly showed my anger. "How could you hide this from me?" I was so angry. I was beyond angry. I was outraged. How could they do this to me? If I knew that my dad was sick I would have been home every single weekend. The tears started to roll down my red hot cheeks as a realized all of the time I could have had with him but didn't. I was shaking, unable to control my body.

My mom came to my side and tried to hug me but my instinct was to push her away. I needed space. My family pretended that everything was okay, that everything was normal for the past eight months.

"Gianna, please. I know we messed up, but I told your mother not to say anything. This is my fault. I couldn't work up the courage to tell you that I was sick. I knew that once I did, things would never be the same. I just needed more time," my dad tried to explain to me, trying to make me feel better about the situation at hand. His words started to sooth me. I was still angry, I would be for a long time, but I needed to be strong for my dad and support my mom.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have reacted that way," I told them, trying to make up for my reaction a few minutes ago. "I'm just scared. I'm terrified," I choked out, trying to clear the lump from my throat but doing the exact opposite. I broke down. The tears started rolling again and the cries turned into inconsolable sobs. I couldn't get enough air in and I started hyperventilating. My parents ran to my side and moved me to the couch. I couldn't handle this. How could this be happening?

"Gigi, breathe, please just breathe. Everything is going to be okay." My mom forced me to breathe in and hold it for three seconds, then breathe out for three seconds, over and over until I maintained a healthy rhythm. "We are going to get through this. We need to be strong for your father, and for each other."

June

After I told Colin about my father's cancer, he came home to try to comfort me. I was grateful that he was able to come home from another travel journalism trip because I needed him more than ever. I didn't know what I would do if I lost my dad and I needed someone with me every step of the way. I always had Casey and Morgan, but they had busy lives and couldn't be there every second of every day. I started going home every weekend to be with my parents. At this point, my dad was getting noticeably weaker and was unable to do the normal activities he was used to doing. His morning runs turned into walks, our weekend swims started to disappear, and eventually, his memory started to slowly disintegrate. I would often need to leave whatever room he was in to hide the tears that were filling my eyes. Having him see my pain would only make things worse for him.

October

By the time October rolled around, the cancer was coming on stronger and causing drastic changes to my father's health. At this point, I asked Bennett to let me work from home. I desperately needed to be with my father at all times. The morning runs that turned into walks completely disappeared. He was so weak that he was unable to walk without being helped up my my mother or myself, and then using a walker to get from place to place. He could barely keep down any food and he was throwing up almost every single time he ate. It was torture to watch this all happen to the athletic and joyous father I once knew. The worst part, by far, was the memory loss. One occasion I remember as if it were yesterday completely broke my heart.

"How are you doing today?" I asked my dad. I asked him this every day to gauge how the day was going to go. Some days were great. He would give a positive response, almost as if his memory and personality were intact, but others were much worse.

"Who are you? Why are you in my house?" my dad responded.

It hit me. He didn't remember who I was. He didn't remember that I was his only daughter, his only child. I completely lost it. I ran out of the house and collapsed in the front yard. My neighbor across the street ran over to help me, having no understanding of what was going on.

"Mrs. Matheson! Mrs. Matheson! It's Gianna! She collapsed! Something is wrong!"

My mom ran outside and just held me. She knew what was happening. She had already experienced the same phenomenon. "Shhh, shhh. It's okay Gigi. It's just a bad day. He will remember tomorrow, I promise."

He never did.

That night I called Colin and told him everything that happened. I begged him to come home. I needed him so badly, but he informed me that he wouldn't be able to come home for another week. But he wanted me to know that he was really sorry. As if that mattered.

November

This was an incredibly difficult time in my life. With my father's decreasing health, Colin agreed to stay home as much as he could during the month of November. Although I was back in Orange County, he had to stay in LA so that he could go into the office during the week. It wasn't ideal, but it was better than him being in a different country in a completely different time zone. If anything happened, I could get ahold of him easily and he could be with me within an hour. Over the weekend though, he was by my side as much as possible. He helped my mom do chores around the house so that her and I could focus on my dad. He even occasionally made dinner for us. My mom and I were grateful to have him with us. Although he wasn't present in the beginning due to work, he was here now, and that was what mattered.

At the end of the month, Colin said that he had to leave for work again.

"But I need you here. Please Colin," I begged.

"I know Gigi. I'm so sorry, but I have to go. If I don't go on this trip, they are going to give the story to someone else. I promise to have my phone on me at all times and I'll answer every time you call. If anything happens, I'll be packing my things to go home the second you call."

I wasn't going to keep begging him to stay. I told him that I needed him and apparently he needed to cover this story more. I didn't have the energy to fight with him. I needed to focus on what was more important and that was my dad.

December

The worst day of my life was December 11, 2017. My father never woke up that morning. I knew what had happened before my mother broke the news to me. My mother had used the guest bedroom as my father's new room. He had a hospital bed in there as well as all of the machines that were necessary to help keep him going. The doctor would come visit every single day. The day before, December 10th, he felt that we needed to start saying our goodbyes in the next couple of days. I knew this day would come, but I never imagined that it would be this soon. My mother and I stayed by his side all day. Around 11:00 that night, I started falling asleep in my seat.

"Gigi, you should go to bed." my mother insisted.

"No, I want to stay here with dad."

"You can see him tomorrow, you need to rest." She was right, I was exhausted. I hardly slept at night because I was worried about him. I took her advice and went to sleep for the night.

I was awoken to sobs coming from downstairs. It was my mom. I heard her talking to someone on the phone. I turned over in bed and saw the time. It was 4:32 am. I had a feeling that my dad was gone, but I didn't want to believe it. I was just dreaming right? I closed my eyes, trying to escape the nightmare. I woke up about three hours later and walked downstairs. My mom was sitting on the couch with her sister. They both turned towards me once they heard me on the bottom step. Their eyes were red and puffy, full of tears. Their cheeks were stained. Suddenly, air was no longer able to enter my body. The last thing I remembered was the way the tears felt going down my cheeks, the way the saltwater tasted in my mouth. I knew he was gone.

I was in a state of shock. I couldn't move. I couldn't speak. I remember my mom saying that she called Colin and that he would be here in a few days. At the moment I didn't care. I didn't care that he was coming at all, let alone days later. I sat in my mother's company, in the same exact spot for the next week.