"Happy nine months, Bells," I coo at my big girl who's happily sat up chewing on a blueberry cookie.

I start packing both our bags to head to work. I'm officially going back today, my commissions are due at the end of the month and I need to finish them.

Bells will be my partner today because the guys are totally swamped between each of them taking time to watch her so I could go in and work and with Hobi being out for paternity leave. They have fallen behind on their stuff.

Well, except for Yoongi. We barely see him, he's like a ghost in our lives, but we know he's still alive because his jobs all get complete and every once in a while we will catch a glimpse of him heading into his studio.

"Oh gosh, I shouldn't have given you a cookie," I sigh as I look at my daughter who has mushed it all over her face and clothes.

Once I finally get her cleaned and changed, I load her up into the car with a bottle. When I get to the shop, she's passed out milk drunk in her car seat. I decide on just bringing in the car seat so I don't have to wake her.

Everything was going smoothly for about 2 hours. Then Bells woke up. I changed her, fed her some lunch, and let her crawl around the floor but that's where I had messed up.

It started at first with her crawling under the desk and pulling wires knocking over the desk lamp. Then she had managed to crawl over to the cubbies in the corner and pull out all of the paints in them.

There was a large mess on the floor and I couldn't focus, worried she would get into something she shouldn't. My last straw was when she tugged on the string of one of my painting smocks and brought down the whole stand on top of her.

She instantly started to scream making my heart stop as I scooped her up. Once I realized she was just scared and not hurt, I relaxed and was able to calm her down.

But then she became a clingy monster. If I even tried to set her down, she would scream and cry. I couldn't work with her in my arms. I need to get this done, but I couldn't make her suffer. 

I pulled out my phone making my way down the list of each guy to see if they could take her for a few hours. But each of them sadly had to reject me.

"Go ask, Yoongi. He doesn't have any jobs this week," Joon says before hanging up the phone.

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There's a persistent knock on my studio door that I've been trying to ignore for the last five minutes.

Why won't they just go away? It's better if I'm alone. No letdowns, no one that can hurt me.

With a groan, I finally roll off the couch and make my way to the door swinging it open.

Before me stands a flustered Jungkook holding a sleeping Arabella.

"What do you need, Jungkook?" my voice croaks from its lack of use.

"Hey, uh, Yoongi. I really need you to watch Bells," he readjusts her in his arms patting her back to sleep as she starts to squirm.

My little bean looks exactly like her mother and I feel my heart painfully constrict in my chest.

"I can't. I'm busy," I go to close the door, but his foot stops it.

"Please, Yoongi. It's not safe for her at work with me and I need to get my jobs done or I won't get paid," he pleads his eyes shining with desperation.

"Why can't anyone else?" I grumble.

"Yoongi, please!"

"Fine," I cave and reach over to take Arabella.

I swiftly close the door on Jungkook who is trying to give me a run down on how to care for her as if this is my first time. I throw some pillows from the couch on the corner for her to lay on. Then I maneuver the couch so it's pressed between the two walls, creating a barrier so she can't get out.

I pull out her toys and lay them on the floor for when she wakes up and then throw myself back onto the couch to nap.

My face is rested against my folded arms as I lay on my stomach staring at the small girl who has been left in my care.

As I stare at her I can't stop the negative thoughts that flood my mind. I let Jillian down. I've always been there, how did I let it get that far?

Now Arabella doesn't have a mother. I sigh and turn my back on her. Better to not get close, then I can't let her down.

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I felt some tugs on my sweater and roll over to see Arabella standing at the edge of the couch.

I roll over ignoring her but feel her little hands tickle against my back. When she reaches my hoodie I feel her tugging softly on it and continue to ignore her, before I feel it tugged back and I'm choked.

I roll over to see Arabella sitting on the floor smiling happily at me. Then the smell hits me and I know she needs a change. I groan and dig through her diaper bag pulling out the wipes and a clean diaper.

"Stop staring at me," I mutter as I place the clean diaper under her.

She babbles back and as soon as I place her pants back on she crawls over into my lap. I gently push her off and pass her some puffs to munch on.

After she's finished, I move back to the couch to let her play on her own, but again she crawls back up to me pulling herself up my leg.

I gently push her back down and as far away from me as I can. She stares up at me with her big doe eyes that look exactly like Jungkook's, her bottom lip wobbles and I see the tears swimming in her eyes.

"Fuck, I'm sorry, little bean!"

My gut twists and I feel like an ass, so with a sigh I give in and pick her up. She immediately brightens and squishes my face with her tiny hands.

I haven't been around her since the funeral, but she's still showing me love and affection. I feel the darkness around me brighten just a little as she babbles on and on.

I realize that by pushing her away, I'm letting her down already and I'm letting Jillian down again. She picked me as her godfather and I need to live up to it.

I lean back against the sofa with Arabella sitting on my stomach as she plays with the chains on my neck.

"You know, your mom was my best friend. She was terrible, honestly, I don't understand why I picked her. She was so damn hard-headed and stubborn and, oh my god, could she whine a lot," I chuckle remembering all the dumb shit she had done.

"But you know what, she was so damn funny and always checked me on my bullshit. She would have stormed in here ages ago, demanding I interact with everyone and stopped my sulking," I feel my tears rolling down my face and use my shoulder and forearm to wipe them.

"I really miss her, Bean. I've messed up a lot lately, pushed everyone away, but I'll fix it," my voice chokes.

Arabella leans her face down and rests against my chest. I cuddle her close and both our eyes close as we take a nap.

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