these violent delights
five years later
© WANDARYEN ──── 2024

"Pyper, get up!" Jesse banged on my bedroom door as I rolled over in my bed half asleep, tugging the blankets closer to my chin. "Fuck off," I mumbled tiredly.

"You were supposed to be up an hour ago," his voice echoed through the door with a sigh. "Come on, Tommy said if I don't get you out of this room he'll kill us both."

I lifted my head and squinted past the sunlight to my alarm clock before dropping my head back onto the pillow.

I could hear the door handle jingle and twist — indicating that Jesse was making it known that he was coming into my room unwelcomed. I sat up halfway on my elbow and narrowed my eyes at the door. "Jesse I swear to god if you walk into this room, your parents will have to look forward to their child's funeral."

The door swung open and he propped himself up against the door frame, tilting his head to the side. "Rise and shine princess."

I closed my eyes briefly before rubbing them with the heels of my hands. "I'm giving you five seconds to get out of my house before I kill you."

Jesse slowly lifted the key to the house and waved it around like it was a trophy. "Actually, it's Tommy and Maria's house. Tommy is the one who gave me a key to wake you up."

Leaning off the door frame he took a step into the room and started looking around. After years of real but also empty threats, Jesse became unphased to my insults. I knew it was bound to happen when he stopped reacting to my threats to break a few of his bones.

In time, our friendship turned into something brotherly and sisterly. But still to this day, I continued with my threats hoping it would warn him to stop doing stupid things like coming into my room. As of right now — he was on thin ice.

"Did you ever sleep with Andrew again? I thought you two were in love or something." Jesse suddenly questioned as he started looking through an old notebook on my desk. No doubt glancing over old entries about my one night stands or someone in particular I didn't want him or anyone to read about.

But before he could get deeper into the book and read something more private, I grabbed my pillow and threw it at him from the bed. "He is not my boyfriend." I spoke annoyedly as I yanked my blanket back. "And I haven't talked to Andrew in two weeks, thank you very much."

Jesse set the book down immediately once the pillow hit his back and he turned around chuckling. "Just making sure. You know he's not good enough for you right?"

I rubbed my face tiredly with my hands then adjusted the large shirt covering my upper half and shorts. "You say that about anyone who glances my way, why?" I stalked towards him and quickly yanked the book off my desk before shoving it into my bookcase.

"I just think there's someone out there that's better for you. Someone who will actually look after you." He leaned back against my desk and crossed his arms causally over his chest.

I would be lying if I said the idea didn't bring me inner peace. It almost made me wonder who and what he was implying.

"What are you, my therapist?" I sighed, placing one hand on the desk and the other on my waist. "Don't think you're doing me a favor just because I got you and Dina together."

Jesse shot me a fake pained expression before placing his hand over his heart. "I happen to care a lot about you. And when I tell you a male or female is wrong for you, I make it known."

I pressed my lips in a firm line then tilted my chin towards the door. "And when I tell you I'm going to break your hands if you don't leave — you better believe me."

He chuckled softly and quickly moved away from my desk, walking towards my bedroom door as I followed behind, being sure to lock it once the door is shut. "By the way," he paused and turned to face me with a hand on the door frame. "I know someone who's actually interested in you and I would tell you if you were a little nicer to me."

I grabbed the handle to my door and smiled up at the boy. "Unless it's someone who's willing to do all my morning chores for me, then I don't care."

Before Jesse could respond, I shut the door in his face and immediately locked it in a rush.

Exhaling slowly and trying to shake the drowsiness from my body, I moved towards my bedroom window with a quickness. Making sure Jesse left the house and put the key under the doormat. I shook my head at the boy without him noticing, my gaze lingering over him jogging out into the snow where he met with Dina and Ellie.

My gaze was heavily fixed on Ellie's figure a second longer before turning away from the window and changing into something warmer for today's patrol.

After our morning patrol, the town would be having a small barnyard party for the weekend. A small get together they tried having every other month to keep the atmosphere alive and well in the town. Almost everyone came — which sometimes caused a commotion, something to keep the town alive and well.

Sometimes I would help host the drinks or the music but tonight the burden would be handed off to someone else and I had free range to do whatever I pleased.

Once I dressed in something more appropriate and warm for my morning patrol with my friends, I went out into the cold breeze and shivered immediately while slipping on my gloves. "I'm telling you, if I died today, I would no longer be this cold."

The three of them turned around to face me and Jesse chuckled. "Good morning to you too."

"Who's going with who today?" I asked while now swinging my pack over my shoulders then adjusting the straps.

"Jesse and I are taking the route towards the north. You and Ellie take the East route." Dina instructed as we started walking down the street, our feet kicking up snow along the way.

The warm sun was beating down on my face but wasn't giving me enough warmth to satisfy me. I wrapped my arms around myself firmly as Ellie nodded in my direction. "You'll be passing by Andrew and Sam, I think."

"Great," I muttered as I held onto the straps of my pack with a firm grip. "Let's manifest that he gets frostbite and loses his toes."

Dina and Ellie both chuckled as Jesse turned his head to send me a questioning look. The corner of his lips rugged upwards as he smiled. "You're horrible, you know he still has it bad for you."

"Too bad I already got someone else on my mind," I responded matter-of-fact — even though deep down I knew I didn't have a chance. Sometimes I appreciated being delusional — it keeps my mind busy during these abnormally cold days.

I couldn't help but flicker my gaze towards Ellie when I felt her own watching me closely. When our gaze connected, she quickly looked away like I had caught her doing something scandalous. The clear evidence of blush forming on her cheeks from embarrassment — or from the cold, I wasn't sure which but it made my stomach flutter.

"Pyper! Oh, Pyper," I heard an elderly woman's voice from beside me and I quickly turned to greet the lady. "Morning, Mrs. Thompson."

She held a large dish covered with plastic wrap in her shaky grasp. I moved away from my friends and offered the older woman a warm smile. "I told Tommy I would be dropping off that meatloaf that you enjoy so much." I gratefully accepted the dish before realizing I wouldn't be able to devour it at this very moment.

When I first arrived at Jackson, multiple people offered home cooked meals like I had been starving for days. Technically I was — and out of everyone else's cooking, Mr. and Mrs. Thompson food was my favorite.

I never got to meet my grandparents but I imagined them to be just like them.

"Thank you, so much," I smiled wide while handing her back the dish. "I'm about to head out on patrol but you can probably leave it with Maria."

"Oh, of course! Please be safe out there, sweetheart." Her gentle soft hand caressed my cheek and brought warmth throughout my entire body.

I watched her walk away before turning back to my friends, nearly pausing abruptly in my pace when I heard them mentioning my name. A strong chill drifted down my spine and the urge to hang Jesse from his ankles became apparent.

"You know she's talking about you right?"

Ellie lifted her head quickly and looked between both of her friends in confusion. "What?"

Dina laughed quietly and swatted Jesse's arm for interfering before waving her hand. "Don't overthink it, Ellie."

"I'm not doing anything," she muttered.

"Oh you're telling me it's not completely obvious with the way she looks at her?" Jesse looked down at Dina.

Dina rolled her eyes and looked at Ellie, tilting her head to the side with a smile. "Why don't you make the first move?"

Ellie scoffed at the idea, her back facing me entirely but I imagined her face to be flushed bright red. I've seen this girl kill countless infected, threaten people for getting in her way, and wipe blood off her knife onto her jeans. But she was so easily embarrassed or shy when it came to anything even remotely close to normal. It's what I loved the most about her — she was awkward, straight from the moment I met her.

"Why? So I can humiliate myself? Yeah, no thanks."

I cleared my throat and skipped towards my friends. "What are we talking about losers?" I purposely flickered my gaze from Jesse and Dina, to Ellie – who had grown completely quiet; stiffening in her stance.

Dina quickly shook her head. "Nothing," she smiled wide then grabbed Jesse's arm to turn him away.

I raised an eyebrow then looked at Ellie who was staring at the ground. When she lifted her head to make eye contact with me, I smiled then nudged her arm with my elbow. "All right let's go," I gently laughed and we caught up with our friends at the stables.

"Okay, you two are just on clean up duty. No need to wait for anyone, but make sure you check out the smaller town near the west." Jessie pulled two horses out for us, one being Shimmer for Ellie and the other being Lilith for me. "Try to get back before the afternoon, we got other work to do." He raised an eyebrow at me and I quickly snatched the rope from his grasp then smiled at him. "Whatever you say, captain."

"Ellie," Jesse passed Shimmer towards the girl as he narrowed his eyes at her. "Make sure she doesn't get herself killed out there."

Ellie laughed softly under her breath, gently rubbing Shimmer's back side before climbing up on her saddle. "Okay, will do."

I climbed onto my horse before turning to look at Ellie and Jesse with my eyebrows raised. "For your information, I was the one who saved Ellie's ass last time."

Ellie made eye contact with me for a split second before smirking and leading Shimmer towards the other end of the stables. "That's because I was distracted by something so cute that took my attention away from the real problem."

I clamped my mouth shut out of pure shock. She left the stables without looking back but all I could do was yell out to her knowing I wouldn't get a response. "Cute? Like what!"

I shifted my gaze down towards Jesse who was staring at me with a blank expression. "Not only are you the slowest rider but also the slowest learner." He then gave Lilith a firm pat on her backside and the horse immediately jumped into rhythm.

"So — remind me again. Are you and Andrew seeing each other? What's that all about?" Ellie adjusted her hood over her head to protect herself from the harsh wind as I finally caught up behind her.

"We are not together," I sighed heavily. I was growing sick of people constantly asking the same question but I unfortunately brought it upon myself. "We slept together once—twice, and I think he took it as something more. I made sure I established in the very beginning that it was purely just sex and I think it turned into something more for him."

"Oh," Ellie responded. "Have you tried talking to him about it? Maybe he just needs to be reminded where you stand."

With a heavy sigh, I brought myself and Lilith to ride side by side with Ellie and Shimmer. I shrugged my shoulders feeling helpless that I can't get a grown man to accept the fact I'm currently in a no dating pool.

"He knows, Ellie, he just doesn't care to listen. So now he wants to mope around town and pull the victim card." I used my wrist to wipe away some snowflakes that landed on my cheek. "I'm not giving in to somebody that refuses to listen when I've already stated my boundaries. I need to protect my peace."

I met Andrew a year ago and it did start off as just friends, but then things led straight to the bedroom and after we had sex, I made sure he knew I wasn't seeking something more than just that.

I lost my parents — I wasn't ready to attach myself to someone else that I could potentially lose. And even if I wanted a relationship, Andrew was the last person I was going to choose to spend the rest of my life with. The guy wasn't exactly giving when it came to aftercare. I couldn't exactly begin to imagine what he would be like on a boyfriend level.

"Are you going to be okay when we pass him?" Ellie glanced over at me and the question hung in the air momentarily.

"I'll be fine, you know how I am." I gave Ellie a playful wink. There was no way in hell I was giving a single man the satisfaction of gaining control over my emotions.

She laughed gently while quickly turning her head away. Her laughter caused my fingers to curl tightly over the reins. Between that, her smile, her voice — it always sent a jolt down my spine.

When we arrived at the outpost — Andrew and Sam's horses were waiting patiently outside. Although I mastered the art of hiding my feelings, my stomach dropped several feet and I was suddenly feeling nauseous.

Reality was hitting me that I was going to have to face all of my problems right now.

"Okay, we're here," I sighed, guiding Lilith to the post where the other horses' were tied up. "Just a quick sweep, if they say things are swell then we can head to our next post."

We walked up to the front door and I did our signature knock to show a sign it's good before opening the door and immediately being welcomed by warmth.

I quickly wrapped my arms around myself and sighed with delight. They had the fireplace burning and several candles lit around the living room. Ellie shut the door behind us and I forced myself to face the boys.

"Well hello there," Andrew stood up from the couch as Sam was seated on the floor beside the fireplace. I gave them an awkward salute before making my way closer to the livingroom. "Morning boys, has it been slow?"

Andrew stretched his arms above his head in a manner to show off his body towards me — something that got me the very first time we met, but I wasn't stupid. A small smile formed across his face before he placed his hands on his waist.

"Pretty much. Got a few roamers but we took care of them."

"Well, feel free to leave now." I looked back at Ellie and nodded. "We'll worry about cleaning up and fixing whatever mess you two made here." She nodded in agreement as she lingered beside me and rubbed her hands together to get some sort of warmth.

Andrew stationed himself in front of me and jutted his chin towards the kitchen. "Mind if we talk?"

I arched my eyebrow up at the boy, "I do actually. There's nothing to talk about."

Andrew's gaze shifted to Ellie momentarily, taking a mental note of the company we had before he lowered his voice. "You know exactly what we need to talk about. Two weeks? Really?"

"God, Andrew, are you really that dense?" I scoffed and walked past him as Sam got up from the floor with a cup in his grasp. I decided to make myself comfortable by taking a spot on the couch and kicking my feet up on the coffee table. "But seeing as you just love attention — go ahead, speak boy."

His face twitched with distraught and walked towards me with haste. I noticed Ellie take a cautious step forward from behind him. "Two weeks? No word? No hello or goodbye? All you do is ignore me and I'm sick of it."

I nearly laughed at his comment and I would've thrown a bottle of beer at his head if it weren't for the witnesses in the room with us. "I didn't think I owed you an explanation? I told you three times," I purposely held up my fingers for him to see, "where I stood on relationships and stated multiple times I had boundaries. Be grateful I let you down easily and didn't dispose of your body in a dumpster."

Sam, who was staring at the ground with wide eyes, muttered under his breath. "Christ."

My gaze flickered back towards Andrew and I could visibly see his eye twitching. Something was brewing and I could sense he was coming up with a decent response strong enough to hurt me — but there was only one person in this room that could break my heart and it wasn't him.

He tilted his chin upwards and his tone dropped several octaves. "If I would've known I was just a good fuck to you, I would never have taken up the offer."

I narrowed my eyes at him before laughing in disbelief. "God Andrew, you were not a good fuck. You were just something I needed to prove to myself and you know what? In the end I was still wrong. So take it for what it is already!" I pointed my finger in his direction. "Stop telling people we're an item or something soon to be. I want nothing to do with you — that's my only warning."

His fist rolled tightly and his head began to shake. "My dad wanted this, you know? He wanted us to work out. I advocated so much for you — spoke highly of you."

I got up from the couch abruptly and moved closer to him while spitting in his direction. "I don't give a fuck about your dad! I'm done asking you to leave me alone." My patience was gone — not even a single drop left to keep me the least bit sane.

He took a single step forward and Ellie quickly followed suit as our chests were almost touching. Sam stood uncomfortably but neither him or Ellie dared to speak up. "If I would've known what your intent was, I would've ignored you when you came begging for a second time." His eyes slowly scanned down my entire body with ill intent to make me uncomfortable. "Should've known you were just Jackson's local slut — legs open for anybody."

"Andrew, enough!" Sam spoke up and I finally took a step back in disturbance.

But the moment those awful words left Andrew's lips, Ellie jumped up and pulled him into a headlock. He was brought down to his knees, grasping at her arms and she squeezed once around his neck. "I dare you to call her that again!" Her face was twisted in anger as Andrew started to turn a deep shade of red.

I watched him struggle beneath her smaller figure — almost smirking at the fact he couldn't even handle a 5"5 girl, let alone any infected.

I began shaking my head and flickered my gaze towards my friend. "Ellie — Ellie!" Her arm around Andrew's neck just barely loosened when she looked up. "He's not even worth it. He has bigger problems on his hands — like the fact he allowed not one but two girls to bring him down on his knees."

Ellie slowly released her strong grip on Andrew's throat and he doubled forward to cough dramatically and hold onto his neck.

"You're going to regret that," he muttered out while tilting his head up and meeting my eyes.

"Oh, sure," I laughed wholeheartedly. "But let me tell you something — there's only room for one crazy bitch in this town and you don't fit the bill." I then turned and stared at Sam who took that as his chance to quickly get Andrew on his feet and rush him out the house.

I watched as the door slammed behind them, my eyes rolling towards the back of my head before I turned around to look towards the fire. "Asshole."

Ellie appeared at my side and cautiously held my shoulder, forcing me to face her. "Are you okay?" Her hand hesitantly reached for my face but I quickly grabbed it with my own and squeezed it reassuringly. "I'm good — thanks for that, by the way."

She began to laugh, "you really are crazy, I'll give you that — but I guess it makes us a good team. I'll always have your back, Pyper."

The anger that once controlled my entire being, finally drifted away like a title wave pulling backwards. Ellie's gaze was soft and full of reassurance — the kind you couldn't get from your family but from a loving friend.

Maybe part of me did use Andrew. But it doesn't change the fact I made sure I communicated from the very beginning where I stood on any option that involved both of us.

I thought maybe — just maybe — sleeping with a guy would get my attention off of someone else. She stood before me and my heart only ached. I couldn't allow myself to get involved with someone when I was already such a mess but she was so beautiful.

She made it incredibly difficult for me to see her as just a friend when she was willing to throw herself on a 6"0 guy that insults me. My heart ached for her — but I worried I would only cause her traumatic pain in the very end.

You can't fix something that's already broken and I was beyond repair.