She walked out of her room, but not through all the way out. She just stood on the doorstep, looking left and right checking down the hallway. Her eyes are dull, seems like she has no interest in doing anything today. She just felt like it was not a day for her to be happy or do something funny.

The hallway was eerie. The hallway is maintained to be cleaned every day, but it seems like yesterday's mess hasn't been cleaned. Rats can be found running around sometimes. But she noticed nothing's weird going on and that made her feel fine somehow. Nakahinga siya nang maluwag, but then people living next to her all walked out of their room and the noise just filled the hallway immediately. Like what happened when each class ended when the bell rang. Tila mga nakalaya sa selda.

What chaos.

Napabitaw ng isang malalim na hininga si Therrie. This is like her usual morning—every single day, but almost like a routine na rin para sa kanya. Wala naman siyang kawala ro'n. She still can do whatever she wants to do, mas pinipili nga lang niyang maging mapag-isa since what she was dealing with could only be answered by herself—or may not. Hindi niya rin sigurado. Walang may alam even those people who she sought for help outside the premises couldn't do a thing to resolve the underlying problem.

May makatutulong nga ba sa kanya? Or she was hopeful that someone would be?

"Therrie!" isang boses ng babae ang tumawag sa kanya. Kinawayan pa siya nito kasama ang matatamis na ngiti.

Hindi niya ito nilingon kung hindi ay dumiretsyo lamang siya sa pasilyo kung saan kikitain ang taong bumisita sa kanya ngayon. Kilala naman niya 'yon, mas may kailangan lang siyang puntahan bago ang ibang tao.

She tried to put a smile on her face when she reached the visiting lounge. Bago siya tuluyang makapasok sa loob ng kwarto ay dumaan muna siya sa security checking. Isa sa proseso na pinakamahalaga sa bawat isa at maging sa mga taong bumibisita. Itinaas niya ang kamay at braso sa ere at hinayaan ang security staff na kapain ang ilang parte ng katawan niya mula sa itaas patungo sa ibaba.

"Patingin ng notebook mo," utos ng staff sa kanya nang matapos itong kapkapan.

Umiling naman si Therrie. Mas hinigpitan niya ang pagkahahawak sa notebook.

"Parte 'yon ng protocol, Therrie. Alam mo 'yan."

Napabuntonghininga na lamang ito at saka inabot ang hawak na notebook sa staff at chineck ang bawat pahina nito. Sinisigurado lamang ng staff na walang dalang delikadong bagay na isinuksok si Therrie. Posibleng mga bagay na puwedeng makapanakit o kaya naman mga gamot na hindi ininom. Nang masiguradong walang dalang patalim o kung ano man si Therrie ay pinalusot na nila ito patungo sa visitor's area.

"Sino ngang bisita ko?" tanong ni Therrie.

"As usual, 'yong jowa mo," sagot ng staff sa kanya saka ito napangisi. "Mukhang sabik na sabik nga 'yon. Dami pang dala."

"Ah, okay..." tipid nitong sagot, wala man lang bahid ng kung ano mang excitement.

"Hindi ka man lang ba excited?!" taka nitong tanong sa kanya. Tinitigan lang siya ni Therrie. Walang bakas nang kung ano mang excitement sa mukha nito. Hindi niya magawang ipamalas iyon. "Basta, alam mo na kung saan pupunta. Naghihintay na 'yon don sa 'yo ngayon. Makasasama mo rin 'yan sa susunod kapag nakalabas ka na. Enjoy mo lang, Therrie."

"Sige... salamat."

Tumungo si Therrie sa usual table kung saan laging nag-aabang ang boyfriend nito. Hindi naman siya nahirapang hanapin ang boyfriend niya. He's already there waiting for her.

He's very formal and get-up about meeting her. The seemingly perfect guy that everyone wanted to be with. With his chunky sets of eyes, pointed nose, kissable lips, always on his clean cut hair, and a dimple on his left cheek that's a huge impact for his image. Kinaiinggitan ang naturang kagwapuhan nito, sino bang hindi gustong maging katulad ng boyfriend ni Therrie? Maski si Therrie ay kinaiinggitan dahil sa boyfriend nito.

The table is also filled with boxes and foods she likes. Nang makita na siya ng boyfriend niya, his smiles are seemingly contagious, but that doesn't seem to affect her. She just has to fake a smile to respond to his warm smile. Her excitement should be overflowing by now, but she can't show it. Not on this day.

Hernan Guanson, her boyfriend for a few years now, stood up on his seat to attend her. Six footer ito at halos sa dibdib lamang ng boyfriend nito ang inabot ng tangkad niya. Niyakap at hinalikan niya ito. Ikinulong niya pa ito sa kanyang bisig, but Therrie doesn't even respond excitedly to his hug. This happens every month and Hernan doesn't seem to mind about it. Bagsak lang ang balikat niya. It feels like she wants to end it right away. Hinalikan pa siya nito sa pisngi niya na agad niya ring pinunasan. Hernan don't bother asking about her timid actions. Nakangiti pa rin siya. Masyadong pormal ang kasuotan sa white fitted-polo at slacks.

"How are you?" pangangamusta nito habang inimbitahang umupo sa table ang girlfriend. Hindi na nga nito binitawan ang kamay. Ngayon lang ulit sila nagkita, hindi pa ramdam ni Therrie. She wants to cry, but it's not the right time for that.

"Ayos lang," walang ganang sagot nito. She wanted to tell a lot of things, but that doesn't seem to be exciting for her to do.

"Ah, I see... You look lovely today, love. I've been missing you every single day, you know that?" Nakangiti pa ring tugon ni Hernan. Therrie looked plainly at his face, but that's okay for him. He understood her. "Sorry, I wasn't able to visit you here for three weeks straight. I've been dealing with a lot of things due to work and now that I've got the chance to visit you today, ang saya na makita kang muli! I hope this would be the last time... if you know what I mean..."

Napakunot na lamang ng noo si Therrie. "Last time? I still have four months left, babe. Malayo-layo pa iyon." Isang malalim na buntonghininga ang binitawan niya. If she could just do what Hernan said, then she would've stop it.

Hernan chuckled, scratching his head. "Yeah, I know that... but what I mean is, maybe you'll finally get out of this place and live with me sooner as we've expected, right? You know that I can support and help you along the way. I will be there for you. Whatever you were dealing—"

"You don't know what I'm dealing with, babe..."

He sighed, nodding his head. Holding her hand tight. "You're right. I may not know it personally, mentally, or even emotionally, but I know what it feels like what you've been going through. We've been together for so long so how I cannot know? We can always do this together, you know that, right?"

Mas lalo pang humigpit ang pagkahahawak ng kamay ni Hernan sa girlfriend niya. Just to make her feel like she's not alone in this battle. Tumango na lamang si Therrie.

"Mabilis na lang din naman ang four months..." pampalubag loob ni Therrie.

"We'll see though..." he uttered then took a deep breath. "Well, I've got something for you today."

He pulled his hands from hers and then started offering what he brought for her today. Tinanggap naman ni Therrie ang mga binibigay ng boyfriend nito sa kanya. Pinagsaluhan nila ang cake na binili nito. He even bought her some new dresses she could wear. Hindi rin naman gaanong magagamit ni Therrie 'yon since they all have designated clothes to wear while inside the premises. Karamihan ay hospital gown. Tinanggap niya pa rin iyon dahil sa kabutihang loob ng jowa nito. But maybe she could wear it when once a week, they could wear whatever they want.

"Napakarami mo namang dinala at binili para sa akin," tugon ni Therrie habang sinusuri ang bawat binigay nitong gamit. "Parang hindi ko naman kakailangan 'tong mga 'to rito..."

"I feel like kulang pa nga 'yan." Natatawang usal ni Hernan.

"Thank you... I really appreciate everything you've done for me..." Tipid ang ngiti ni Therrie.

Hindi alam ni Hernan kung anong mararamdaman niya. Tiningnan na lamang nito sa mata ang kanyang girlfriend. "So... what do you think you've lose today?"

Therrie shrugged off, taking her notebook and flips the pages to check what the input for today is. Pinasadahan niya ang bawat araw at salitang nakalista ro'n hangga't sa huminto ang daliri niya sa linya kung nasaan ang salitang excitement.

"Do you want to share it with me?" he asked. He was about to reach the notebook from her, but she pulled it away out of his reach. Ayaw niyang ipahawak iyon sa iba. Binawi na lang din naman ni Hernan ang kamay niya. Ngiti at tango na lang ang itinugon nito. "Alright... I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. But how can I make sure that you're really fine here?"

"I am," tipid na sagot nito. Her tone has come with finality and made him known about it. Ganyan lamang ang mga sagot ni Therrie dahil ayaw niyang pahabain pa ang diskusyon lalo na kung patungkol sa kondisyon niya.

"Does being here really helps you?"

Therrie nodded. "Sa tingin ko... oo. Hindi ako magtatagal dito kung hindi sila nakatutulong sa akin. So, oo. They helped my growth and improvement. I've also been learning something new to myself when I got here."

"That's good to hear... I just can't wait to see you out here and be with me so we could go anywhere we want, right?" The excitement in his face was so vivid. Ramdam iyon ni Therrie, but she couldn't feel the same way. She just couldn't get on board with his mood. Gusto niyang sakyan pero hindi niya magawa.

Today, she lose her excitement and it's not the best part when her boyfriend visited her again for the first time in a long time. She can feel anything towards him, but excitement. She's just not in the mood to cater to his excitement as well.

"I miss you, babe..." ani Therrie, though she can make him feel that sincerely, it's just not enough.

Hernan smiled. "I miss you so much. I couldn't wait to see you out of this place again." Ilang beses na niya itong inuulit, Therrie don't mind.

"Me too..." halos pabulong na lamang niya iyong sinabi.

They started eating what he bought for them and Therrie tried to keep up with her boyfriend's mood, though she still can't reach the energy he's showing. Ginagawa naman niya ang best niya to suffice the need to the situation though she just can't push it when the problem is inside her. Gusto na lang niyang mag-mura. Maling-mali rin ang timing ng boyfriend sa pagbisita sa kanya.

He could've visited her some other day, pero bakit ngayon pa? Bakit nga ba ngayon?

Therrie confined herself into a mental healthcare facility which she thought would help her figure out what the problem is. She knows the risks of it yet she continued pursuing it since figuring out what's going on in her life is the best solution and she's still on her second month, gulong-gulo pa rin siya. Ang dami na niyang pinuntahan upang humingi ng tulong, but in the end, nothing sees to help her.

How will she be able to figure out what's happening on her kung hindi niya rin alam mismo kung anong nangyayari sa kanya?

She's just saying she's doing fine and all, but she's not. Absolutely the opposite of what's in her mind.

"What does your doctor says?" Hernan casually asked.

She shrugged off. "Hindi ko pa alam..."

Napakunot ang noo ni Hernan. "Don't you have a weekly session with your doctor?"

Therrie nodded. "Yes... pero hindi rin naman nila agad sinasabi kung anong alam nila sa session na ginawa namin. I would know my evaluation at the end of the month. So, probably... that would be a week from now. But don't you worry about me, ang sabi naman sa akin last time ng doctor ko na may improvement ako and I'm healthy... I guess that's what matters the most."

"I see... I see..." he said, nodding his head. "I'm just trying to make sure you're really okay here and doing fine because if not, it's time for you to get out of this place. Hook or by crook, Therrie."

Kapag seryosong nagsalita si Hernan, totoo ito sa sinasabi niya. He just don't want to say it, he really meant it to happen and take action with it.

Therrie laughed, one of the emotions she could pull off today—at least she still gets to laugh. "Baliw ka talaga, Hernan. I will be completing my six-month here and I'm going to fulfill that. That's my goal, e."

Hernan smiled, trying to imagine what their life looks like is after six months.

"And you haven't told anyone about this except me, right?" she nodded to his question. She pressed her lips, trying to avoid his contact since when it comes to family, she's trying not to talk about them or what. Basta, ayaw niya lang. Hindi rin naman nila maiintindihan ang sitwasyon niya.

Because when she needed them, they made her feel like she's full of crap. As if there's no family relationship occurring to that point. It's just full of waste.

Family? Therrie thought in her head. My friends in this place seem more like family to me.

"Napakabilis ng oras. Fifteen minutes na lang..." ani Hernan matapos tingnan ang relos. Humugot ito nang malalim na hininga at pinasadahan ng palad niya ang nalukot na long-sleeve.

"Kaya nga... so, kailan ka ulit makabibisita?" tanong ni Therrie.

Lumaki naman ang ngiti ni Hernan sa labi. Kitang-kita ang pananabik. "Are you looking forward to it na ba? Excited ka na ba?"

Excited? She doesn't even feel it.

Tumango na lamang si Therrie, but the excitement showed in her face. Hindi niya magawang ipakita iyon. She can be excited, but she can't seem to make it show to him. Hernan knew what she was dealing with. Naiintindihan niya 'yon. He wouldn't push himself at her.

"But yeah, I'll try to visit you again next week. Would that be good?" he asked, furrowing his brows. "Maybe after ko pumunta sa isang project ko, dito ako didiretsyo."

Sunod-sunod namang tumango si Therrie. "Sige... aabangan ko 'yon." Monotonous ang sagot nito. Walang mababakas na pananabik sa tono nito, but when it is about caring, kaya niyang ipakita iyon. She hugged him and whispered something in his ear. "Take care, okay?"

Sinagot naman ni Hernan ang mahigpit na yakap nito sa kanya. "Of course, and you should take care of yourself for me, alright? When this will be over soon, we'll do whatever we want. Alam kong paulit-ulit na ako sa mga sinasabi ko, but I just can't wait for us to have our time again, right?"

Therrie nodded. "Yes... that would be lovely."

When his visiting hours is finally rounding up the clock, they finally said goodbye to each other and parted away when Hernan has to go and Therrie got nothing but herself again—and the stuff Hernan left for her.

Nang mapag-isa siya ay umalis na ito ng visiting lounge at tumungo sa dining area kung nasaan ang iba pa niyang mga kasamahan. She exhaustedly joined and sat with them.

"Sa'n ka galing?" tanong ni Bianca. Hinampas pa siya nito sa braso niya. Kumusot naman ang mukha ni Therrie.

"Sa visiting lounge," tipid na sagot nito.

She gasped, hearing the excitement from her tone. Hinawakan pa siya nito sa magkabilang balikat. "OMG! Binisita ka ng gwapo mong boyfriend 'no? Bakit hindi ka pa sumama sa kanya? You will really have the best of life out there! Ano pa kasing ginagawa mo rito?"

"Katulad mo..." simpleng tugon ni Therrie. "Meron din akong pinagdaraanan na hindi ko alam kung anong sagot."

"Hoy, gaga! Wala akong problema, dinadamay mo pa ako, a!" Nguso pa ni Bianca.

Napangisi naman si Therrie. "'Di bale, makahahanap ka rin ng sarili mong jowa. Gayahin mo ako."

"Ay, true! Kung ikaw ay may isang rich handsome boyfriend. Alam mo kung anong hahanapin ko? Iyong may asawa para exciting!"

Napahagalpak sa tawa si Therrie. "Loko ka, Bianca. Gagawin mo pa talagang kabit 'yong sarili mo."

Humahagikgik na lamang si Bianca at pinanood lang siya ni Therrie.

Sometimes she's jealous of her. Kahit may problemang iniinda si Bianca, it feels like she's not having it all pero si Therrie na bawat araw na lang ay kailangan niyang paghandaan kung ano man ang mangyari. And that scares her. Kasi hindi niya sigurado kung anong mangyayari bukas. It could be bad or not, she doesn't know it yet.

But the day is long... Therrie has to keep herself by losing one of her emotions again. Her excitement drifted away and then... she has to know what she will do next.

That's what she's been dealing with, every goddamn day, she's losing one of her key emotions and she's there to suffer the consequences, but who is she to defy what's happening to her? She couldn't even distinguish herself anymore... not with this kind of life and she's trying to get used to it, but for how long?