- THEREFORE I AM -
Act one, chapter four:
This is me trying.

TW: not sure how to tag it, but there are brief mentions of Arryn's mental state at the beginning of the chapter that might not be fun for some. the gist of it ends with "His voice cracked at the edges..."
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Arryn has come to find she is a fundamentally lazy person, so her initial lack of 'passion' for her employment is hardly unbelievable.

By nature, Arryn has consistently lacked the effort and drive most people obtain at birth. Her burning desire, her passion, wane over the mere minutes she partakes in any activity. Its why she quit ballet, piano, hockey, the list goes on. None of it ever felt enough. It never satiated the gnawing, festering gut feeling within and in the end, she lost her once burning desire and quit.

      It never felt fulfilling. None of it.

      Her laziness extends to beyond passion, beyond extra circulars, and extends to more aspects of her life she refuses to acknowledge. It poisons everything. She procrastinates her own healing, and instead festers in the hurt. She lingers, ghost like, within the bitter hours of the night, the ones where existing is so exhausting, and sits in it all.

      Arryn has found its easier, to let it hold her. There's something so deep within her, buried beneath years of suppression, something caged beneath her skin and bones, that to unpick it would prove to be a momentous task. A task Arryn has decided was too taxing.

      Its familiar, it's easy and Arryn is lazy.

      She supposes this makes her selfish in a way. To subject those around her to her own self induced maddening spiral, a perpetual state of boarder line disassociation, it was cruel. Though it's not as though Arryn hasn't tried. She had tried for seventeen years, she'd argue she had every right to throw in the towel.

"You're problem is you give up easily, Arryn you've just stopped trying." Milo snapped, one particularly bad evening. Arryn hadn't left her room in hours, unable to move, unable to focus on anything but the rising panic making a home within her subconscious. Milo had finally given up, so tired of watching the self destruction. "You- you just let it take you, Arryn I can't- not anymore. Please, do something."

His voice cracked at the edges, giving way to a picture Arryn hadn't wanted to see. Arryn had felt the guilt tear through her like something rabid, something primal. She found there wasn't anything to say, not a sentence she could form that would console him. So, Arryn just held him as he choked back the tears he refused to acknowledge, wondering what she did to deserve a brother like him.

After that, Arryn began to pick up the pieces again, flipping them over so the pattern on top began to make some semblance of sense once more. She had to try at least once more, for Milo's sake. When Felix suggested she get a job, she didn't object to the idea. It was, after all, something to keep her mind occupied enough so she refrained from driving herself mad.

      Arryn had little faith she'd obtain any form of employment. She had no outstanding qualities, hardly anything stella to slap onto a resume. It was a surprise when Scoops Ahoy ensnared her in their trap, though there was hardly any enthusiasm on her end. Yet for Milo's sake, she tried regardless. It would keep him satisfied, knowing she had something to get her out of her own head.

To begin with, Arryn truthfully had little intention of exerting much effort into her job at Scoops. After all, it wasn't as though she truly cared for the position.

Arryn had no desire to befriend the strange duo that typically manned the cash register or entertain whatever odd balls ventured into the store. She was there for Felix, to help where she could and prove she could still be the sister Milo deserved. Aside from that, there was little point in pretending she wanted to be there.

It had felt so arduous at first, to be expected to entertain for so long. Yet as the days passed, and the routine sunk in, something strange began to happen. Arryn was beginning to enjoy being there.

Arryn found she felt a sense of excitement festering beneath the contempt. It was exhausting sure, but it was a satisfying kind of exhaustion, one that felt earned rather than one that was constant and unrelenting. Everything she had thought of the job had sort of been flipped on its skull.

Now, the people she'd wanted to avoid initially, she wants to chase.

Steve Harrington naturally is still a challenge to navigate. Between his unintentional jabs at her high school life, and his insatiable need to flirt with any girl he encountered. (He'd even mistakenly attempted to flirt with Arryn before she made it very clear she was not interested, and would paint a nice bruise on his cheek if he forgot.) But he's charming in his own fashion, endearing in a way Arryn wouldn't have believed before.

Robin Buckley is new territory entirely. She's an enigma in the sense that Arryn has no idea how she'd never seen or heard of her before when somehow Robin knew of her. She's quick, witty with her words and sharp. Robin is new. It's weird to admire someone based on how they're able to take down once reigning King Steve with a few snipes, but Arryn finds herself completely taken by her.

It's terrifying when she thinks about it. Its confusing, perplexing. She doesn't know what it means, the all encompassing feeling that arises whenever Robin grins impishly, when she leans back in her chair and the curve of her neck in visible just above the azure uniform they both wear. Arryn isn't too sure she likes it.

In some backwards way, the shitty ice cream parlour became some sort of saving grace. It had stirred such fervour within her, awoken something that had long since been left to sleep. The idea of working doesn't seem too taxing anymore, not now the thought of friendship lingers just on the peripheral of her vision. Arryn was still deciding whether or not to wish for more.

Arryn only hopes this feeling doesn't disappear like the others. She finds herself waiting for the other shoe to drop, for a switch in her brain to be flipped cruelly and have it all suddenly mean nothing again. Because it's happened before, countless times and what's stopping it from happening again? What could make this time any different?

She doesn't want to let Milo down, but she fears this really is the last time she can give herself to something again.

So decidedly for now, Arryn will keep a vice grip on everything she's come to find out. She'll keep it close to her chest, guard it like something feral and rinse it for all it can give her. Because whatever this is, is good and its a type of good she hasn't felt for a while.

Though, like all good things, something must come along and sully it.

"Henderson!"

Steve practically leaps over the counter, damn near tearing the sliding divider from its hinges in his haste. Dustin Henderson, the subject of his excitement (albeit to Arryn's utter confusion) grins like a mad man, laughing heartily.

       Robin then turns to her, jaw slightly ajar with her eyes wide. Arryn can only shrug, at a loss. Even more so when the two begin to mimic lightsabers of all things. They duel in the middle of Scoops, where eyes of paying customers linger, until eventually Steve's guts spill to the ground as Dustin swipes him across the stomach.

      Arryn merely blinks, somewhat dumbfounded. This was not at all the King Steve she remembered from high school. Oh how the mighty fall.

       "How many children are you friends with?" Robin asks because it's an entirely fair question. Arryn still wasn't sure how she felt about the fact he had befriended her brother's friends as well as her brother.

       Steve merely sighs, gesturing to Robin in exasperation. Dustin simply laughs again.

       "I'm curious to know the exact number myself." Arryn chimes and Dustin stares at her, seemingly only realising then she was there, too. "Like, there's a good chunk of them that we know of. Any more rattling around?"

       "No, there's not." He says it as though its obvious. "You make it sound like I go around collecting them like they're baseball cards."

      "Don't you?" Arryn asks and Robin laughs loudly in response.

       Steve only rolls his eyes, heaving a sigh. He turns to Dustin. "Order whatever you want and I'll wait for you over there."

      Robin takes that as her cue to leave, deciding to venture into the store to collect glasses and any trash left behind from past customers who couldn't make the five foot trip to the bin. Arryn assumes that this leaves her to take Dustin's order.

      "What's the best thing on the menu?" He asks, grinning politely.

      Arryn shrugs, "it's all frozen ice and milk, just depends on whatever you want it to taste like."

      Dustin stares at her, blinking slowly. "Right," he drags out the word more the necessary, glancing up at the menu board above her head. He thinks for a moment, Arryn's frustration growing with each passing moment. Finally, he looks back to her. "How about the toffee banana split?"

     "As you wish."

       Arryn turns to the freezers, the realisation dawning on her quite quickly that she has no idea what a banana toffee split is. She begins to lists off the possible ingredients such a dessert could consist off and busies herself with attempting to piece together Dustin's order entirely based on how it sounded. Decidedly, she resigned to making it all up on the spot.

      "How come you're working here?" Dustin asks as Arryn very poorly slices a banana down the middle.

      "Felix suggested I get a job," she replies absentmindedly, wincing as the banana falls apart as she places it into the bowl. "Plus Milo wanted me to do something other than sit and...wallow I guess."

      Dustin nodded, understanding if only slightly what it exactly was she meant by that. Being Milo's friend for as long as he had, he was somewhat aware of Arryn's...situation. Merely the surface level stuff, just that she'd coup herself up in her room and rarely engage in any form of social interaction.

     Will knew more than he did, though that came with being Milo's best friend. Dustin and Milo were close, but it was clear who his favourite was, even if it wasn't said aloud.

      "How's working with Steve?" He tries. He thrums his fingers against the counter patiently.

       "It's different, he's different. I remember him being this utter prick in high school but he's matured a lot in the past year." Arryn adjusts the cherry atop the vanilla ice cream and whipped cream mountain, moving to grab the toffee sauce. "Whatever happened to knock some sense into him, I'd say we're all grateful it did."

      Dustin made a non-committal noise in response.

       "There! One banana toffee split!" Arryn slides it across the counter, smiling as she does. It doesn't look half bad.

      "What's this?" Dustin however does not look impressed. The banana is split sure, but in all sorts of jagged ways, and its fallen mostly to mush beneath the layers piled on top. The ice cream smothers the rest of the space, hidden however beneath copious amounts of whipped cream and sauce.

       Arryn's face shifts, "it's what you asked for." What was his problem?

       "Hm, thanks." Dustin takes it quickly, flashing a half hearted smile before he scuttles away, over to Steve. He slides himself into the booth, tucked away in the far corner of the store.

        Dick.

        Arryn huffs and decides to resume her position within the break room, noting she has at least fifteen minutes left on her staff mandated break. Robin begrudgingly stands back at the counter and Arryn simply smiles, hardly apologetic.

       As ever, Arryn finds her chair (each of them have their favourite spot in the break room, its somewhat of an unspoken agreement,) and allows herself to be consumed entirely by the cassette she's yet to return to Robin.

      The latter had returned hers days ago, indulging then in a lengthy discussion about each individual track. Robin's ceaseless rambles were endearing in some confusing sort of way.  Arryn finds herself all too willing to fall down the rabbit hole crafted by Robin's never ending stream of words.

      It was refreshing in a way, to explore the songs with someone who was somewhat knowledgeable in the world of music. They could appreciate it in another way, a way someone who didn't play an instrument couldn't quite understand.

      "Safe to say I'm a fan." Robin said finally, leaning back against her chair, pushing it so the hind legs were the only thing keeping her from falling.

      Arryn could only find it in her to nod, unable to string a coherent sentence together. Robin's head had been titled backwards, her hair then in turn fell against the back of the chair. The curve of her cheeks, the way her jaw fell to the stretch of her neck, were all visible. Arryn turned to her shoes, finding it difficult to face her suddenly.

      "Have you listened to the one I gave you?" She then asked and Arryn had to force herself to talk.

       "Yeah." Four times, actually. "But I was wondering, is it alright if I keep it for a little while longer?"

      Robin nodded, rising to her feet as she did, her break having ended. "Of course, just promise to tell me all about it afterwards."

      Arryn again only nodded, because of course she would. She would write her letters composed entirely of her own maddening thoughts if it meant Robin would keep talking to her about it.

      Arryn groans, the noise muffled beneath the music playing in her ears. She slumps against the table in the centre of the room, splaying her arms dramatically against the top. Her headphones dug into the crook of her elbow, pushing up against her ear.

      Robin Buckley was entirely new territory, one Arryn was hesitant to discover.

(author's note!)

RIP arryn, she would have loved mitski :/

i'd make a joke in this fic about arryn sobbing to no surprises by radiohead but the song didn't come out until 1997 so the smiths will have to do for now.

also so desperately wanted to make a princess bride reference when arryn said 'as you wish' but it came out in 1988 ffs.

anyway,

arryn fr :/ i will be making more memes for this fic instead of writing actual chapters, it's called procrastination 🤩

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