Chapter 26

"Baby, it's Gray."

Now, I was intrigued. What could've happened to Gray that had everyone looking depressed? He was in jail. He deserved whatever it was that the other inmates were doing to him. "What about him?"

Dad sighed. His eyes finally lifted to meet mine, but the hint of sadness that clouded his eyes were gone. It was like he was trying to be the strong one. "Princess... he killed himself."

I froze. A colossal amount of shock stole the air from my lungs. My eyes instantaneously widened as if a jolt of electricity coursed through my veins. Those three words repeated over and over in my head. The worst words I had ever heard in my entire existence.

Gray killed himself. I just saw him yesterday. He started crying about his parents dying in the car accident, mumbling that he wished he died with them, sharing the story of his suicide attempt and his foster parents only caring about not getting their checks anymore.

I didn't think that he would end it just like that. My body was flooded with an overwhelming sense of grief that the sound of ringing in my ears blocked out the background voices.

There was no stopping the mental images that wrapped around my brain. His glossy eyes I witnessed with him sitting across from me and me flipping him off and walking out on him. He probably lost it the moment I disappeared out of his sight. Even while the guard was escorting him back to his cell. Tears springing to his eyes. Gasping a big sob.

I didn't even know how he did it, but any scenario would've ended with him laying there unconscious. His face completely drained of color leaving him with dull gray skin. Perhaps his eyes were wide open. His dead eyes.

I could practically feel the shock the guard must've felt when he or she found him. My eyes fluttered to the present and all eyes were on me as everyone was waiting for a reaction from me. I was in denial. There was no way this was real. This had to be a dream.

"You're messing with me."

Deep wrinkles lined dad's forehead. "Why the hell would we mess with you about this?"

"She's in shock, Owen. Baby, we got a call from the prison." There was a glint in her eyes that screamed I want to say something to make you feel better but I don't know how. Her own eyes were glossy with tears.

Despite what he did to her daughter, as a nurse, she always saw families bringing in their children who attempted suicide by overdosing or cutting. There was a small piece in her heart that allowed her to feel sympathy.

"How did, how did, what—?"

"His friend snuck him drugs when he visited him today. They found Gray in his cell, hours later, lying unconsciously on the floor. He overdosed."

Today. He died today. While I was on a date with Kayden, thinking about the shooting being his fault, watching him on the news and thanking God that he got what he deserved, Gray was dead. He did awful things to me. Unspeakable. Evil. However, that didn't mean he deserved to kill himself.

Without realizing it, my feet carried me upstairs and into my room. I plopped on my bed and curled my knees to my chest, allowing tears to start accumulating in my eyes once in the privacy of my room. Gray was all I could think about. The image of him lying unconscious plagued my thoughts once more.

Guilt was eating me inside and out. I was thinking terrible things about him. Feeling satisfied that he was getting arrested. Thinking that he deserved what the other inmates were doing to him. He was falling into a hole of depression to the point where he wanted to take his own life.

A car engine sounded from outside and I could hear Zach's voice in the background. That was when I heard my door open. I heard his soft voice call out my name, but I remained in this position on my bed. I couldn't move. I couldn't talk. I simply leaned into Kayden's chest as his arms wrapped around me. He didn't say anything else.

He let me cry into his chest as he rocked me back and forth. "I can't believe-why did he-this isn't-why-" I cut myself off by sobbing harder and Kayden shushed me in my ear. He continued to rub my back and rock me back and forth until I learned how to breathe again.

"I can't believe this is happening. This can't be happening." I swallowed a painful lump down my throat. "Sure, he did some nasty things, but he didn't-he didn't have to-"

"I know. I know."

"It just... doesn't make sense."

I was snapped back to reality when Kayden's hand stopped rubbing my back. My arms encircled around his waist, silently begging him to comfort me more.

"Maybe it does. He used to drink alcohol all the time to forget about his past, to forget about his dead parents and his evil foster parents that treated him like shit. Since he's in prison, he has no access to alcohol so... he's forced to remember." There was a long pause before the next words. "Was that a mean thing to say?"

Gray was always drunk or smoking cigarettes with his friends whenever I came over. He never mentioned to me what happened in his childhood because he was too busy chugging whiskey or beer.

I visited him only the second day he was in prison and since he was stuck being sober, those memories came flying back to him. "No. No, it wasn't. I... think that makes sense."

I had to do the right thing. No one else was here to do it. His foster parents didn't care enough and his parents weren't here to do it. It would be hard, but perhaps it could be another step toward moving on from him. "I need to plan his funeral." My voice was soft, barely above a whisper. I wasn't sure Kayden heard me until I felt his eyes boring into the side of my head.

"Really? Why?" His face was scrunched up, like this was something that he was dreading.

"It's the right thing to do."

Kayden's face softened. "You're right. And if you need any help with any of the planning, remember that I'm just one phone call away." Hesitantly, he planted a soft kiss on top of my head before showering my cheek with kisses. I allowed myself to giggle for the first time since our date and my heart became a little lighter.

-

Standing in front of my bathroom mirror, I added finishing touches to my makeup with mascara then, clicked the lid back on the tube.

It had been four days since Gray's suicide and today was the funeral. The knot in my stomach grew tighter the more days passed by. I could barely sleep last night with anxious thoughts flooding my head, but Kayden had been a safe haven for me. I was up late texting him and he knew exactly what to say to calm my nerves.

Without knocking, mom appeared through the door. Her hair was let down which she only did during special occasions, she applied minimal eye makeup along with blush and foundation and she was wearing a black dress similar to mine and a cross around her neck.

"Are you ready, love?" She scanned me up and down, surveying my curled hair and pink cheeks.

"Not really. I'm kind of... regretting planning this funeral." What was I thinking? Planning a funeral for the man that was responsible for my nightmares. Had I lost my mind? Who the hell would go through so much trouble for such an undeserving man? Or whatever the hell he is.

She slightly tilted her head. "How come?"

"Planning a funeral for the man who made my life a living nightmare doesn't exactly scream 'I hope you're burning in hell'. It feels like I'm forgiving him for what he did, but..."

I scoffed but the tears pooling in my eyes were a dead giveaway that forgiving him was the last thing I wanted to do. "He hurt me, mama. He really hurt me," I spoke with a broken voice. "I will never be able to forgive him for what he did to me. Yet, here I am, getting ready for the funeral that I planned for that bastard! What the hell is wrong with me? I'm so, so sorry, mama for asking you and daddy pay for everything. All the time and money that went into the flowers, the casket, he doesn't deserve shit! There was no reason for me to feel bad for him!"

Mom was looking at me like I was an emotional bomb seconds away from exploding. Technically, I was. Since the first punch and first threat, I was a bomb made to detonate at any given time. My dress was starting to feel like it was suffocating me. I shouldn't even be wearing this dress. I wasn't mourning.

I needed to get this dress off before it cut off my air circulation. My reaction was more sensitive when I first heard but I was having mixed emotions about the whole thing.

My heart argued that he didn't deserve that. Even though he did some unjustifiable things to me, no one deserves to take their own life like that. However, my brain was arguing that he was the devil on earth. He did every evil thing that a man could do to a woman to me.

Whether I should scream or cry, I didn't know. The phrase 'sometimes, the right thing to do feels like the wrong thing' was starting to make a lot more sense. Mom's fingers lightly curled around my chin and she tilted my head upward to look into her eyes.

"My love, don't think of this as you forgiving him—"

"But that's what it feels like, mama!"

She cupped my cheek to silence me, but there was still a war going on inside me.

That bastard deserves to burn in hell!

But he's still human! He killed himself in jail! No matter what one has done, they shouldn't feel like killing themselves! It wasn't his fault he was the man he grew up to be. His foster parents really screwed him up.

It was his own damn fault he was in that mess! He was the one who abused me. In more ways than one.

He still shouldn't have died like that.

"Think about it this way. You're doing this because this is the step you need to fully move on from him."

I sighed in defeat. The mascara that decorated my lashes were smudged around my blooshot eyes after I just applied it mere minutes ago. Tears were still streaming down my blotchy face.

She wrapped her arms around me from behind and landed her head on my shoulder with her eyes trained on our reflection. "You know that daddy and I are really proud of the woman you've become. I mean, look at you. You're showing compassion for the man that tormented you because you know it's the right thing to do."

Mom lightly pecked my cheek and started to rub the sides of my arms. "It's a shame how he grew up. Both his parents died. His foster parents only kept him for the checks. If his parents were still alive, perhaps he would've been a different man. A better man. Only God knows why they had to be taken home that soon in his life."

My eyes followed mom's reflection and suddenly, I was hit with gratitude for the way she raised me. For the happy memories we shared before they became nurses in my early teen years.

Having movie nights on Mondays, game nights on Sundays, late trips to Target where I could pick out any candy I wanted and crawling into their bed whenever I had a nightmare. Gray didn't have that privilege. Since he told me that story, I realized I took every moment with my parents for granted.

"Are you okay, my love?"

Without saying another word, I threw my arms around her waist and pulled her close, closing my eyes to appreciate having my loving and nurturing mother in my arms. Mom chuckled at the random form of affection.

"Not that I don't appreciate the random hugs, but what's this for?"

I pulled away. "I love you, mama. You know that, right?"

"Of course I do." She giggled again before tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. She held her arm out for me and upon hooking it with mine, she led me into the car.

The church was beautiful; the room that the funeral was in had a big stained window in front displaying a picture of Jesus looking down on us, the closed casket was topped with flowers and a cross. More stained glass windows lined up the walls beside the pews and the sun, despite it only being partly sunny outside, found a way to shine through the room.

It was a sign from Gray's parents that they were thanking us for honoring him even after all the evil he had done. Just the thought made me tear up.

I had been to Zach's grandpa's funeral freshman year and to my great aunt's when I was only months old. I was a baby. I couldn't sense the somberness floating around in everyone's eyes.

However, I'd never been directly hit with this kind of grief before. Yet, here I was. Trapped in a swarm of black. Black dresses, suits and dress shoes. A heavy weight of sorrow hung in the air.

Not one smile formed on our faces and the only noise we would hear were our sniffles. Knowing Gray's corpse was encased inside the coffin, picturing foam dripping from the corners of his lips, my heart was winning the inner war once again.

My eyes scanned the room. I was lucky to have the bestest friends in the world. Not one of Gray's friends were here to honor him. I sent them invitations, but none of them were walking through the door. They were probably off buying drugs or downing vodka like it was water. Some friends they were.

My friends started to arrive. Kayden was the first to come in and hold my hand, bringing it to his lips to kiss my knuckle. Then Zach, who greeted me with the tightest embrace.

I didn't care that he was breaking my ribs or cutting off my air circulation. His warmth and comfort seeped into me the longer he held me. Lastly, there was Olive who brought Sean with her. Even she was tearing up with her eyes trained on the casket.

"Thank you all for coming," I said to all of my friends who took the time out of their day to support me during this time.

Olive was the one who responded. "Of course. Anything for our girl." She tore her eyes away from the front of the room and pulled me in for a warm embrace. I wanted to stay in her arms the whole time we were here, but this was something I had to do.

"Thank you," she whispered into my ear. Without breaking the hug, my brows furrowed.

"For what?"

"For deciding not to hurt yourself that night."

I broke away and looked into her dull green eyes. That thought never crossed my mind until she mentioned it. If Zach hadn't called me, if the piece of glass sliced my skin open, if I lost too much blood by the time the ambulance came, it would've been my body inside that casket.

When I looked at my parents who stayed still in the pew, their somber facial features morphed into heart-wrenching, gasping for air kind of sobs.

It looked like they were smiling, but in reality, their hearts were being beaten until they were misshapen. That was the worst kind of pain. Where you couldn't breathe, you were kneeling in a puddle of your own tears and your heart was destroyed by the one you loved the most.

Then, there were the boys. For Gray, Kayden's frown touched his lips and Zach stood in silence. If I was the one who had died of suicide, they would be kneeling in front of the casket, begging me to come back and explain why I couldn't give life a chance.

Tears were increasingly blurring my vision just by thinking about it. Zach didn't know it and he never would, but I was always going to be thankful that he saved my life. I shook those thoughts out of my head and stayed focused on the present. I was okay and more importantly, I was happy.

Olive kissed my cheek and went in for a second, but brief, hug before claiming a seat next to the boys. Shortly after we were all seated, the pastor came out from his office with a Bible tucked under his arm.

I guessed he was in his seventies based on the wrinkles marring his skin and the gold and skinny glasses framing his aged eyes. He cleared his throat as he stood behind the podium, reading out loud a verse with his hands on the pages. However, his voice faded into the background.

I searched my brain for any positive memory I had of Gray. Any time when he was sober and I was over at his house which was a very rare occasion. I only came up with one. It was when I just started to see him and we were sitting on the couch watching TV.

He let me watch whatever I wanted and I picked Drake & Josh - a show that Kayden, Zach and I watched all the time growing up. It was a funny, lighthearted show that had us cracking up whenever Josh ran into their bedroom door and Drake acted unintelligent.

Gray wasn't hurting me. He didn't rape me. He didn't give me a bloody nose. I knew that wasn't going to last long and that tomorrow, the pain would start all over again. Then, I started to imagine how much different he would've been if his parents were still around.

Gray would've been a gentleman. If he weren't ten years older than us, I would've developed a crush on him. I let go of Kayden's hand and allowed my feet to slowly carry me to the brown casket. Even though it was only ten feet away, it felt like it was taking me an hour to get there.

Once I was there, I was ready. I was ready to let go of the trauma and move on from that dark chapter of my life, never to look back again. I planted a kiss on the palm of my hand and lightly touched the surface.

"Goodbye, Gray."

-

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AUTHOR'S NOTE-

The last chapter of the new version of TOY is out now! I didn't even realize this was the last chapter until I was just finishing it.

I'm so glad that I rewrote this book (for the third time) and it really is SO much better than the ten-chaptered short story.

Epilogue / bonus chapters will come out soon! I just want to take a small break.