⚠️ TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️

THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS MENTIONS OF SELF HARM. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

Chapter 13

Sometimes, you could be having the time of your life. You could be watching movies with your best friends or having a nice dinner with your family. Then, it just hits you. All the trauma you had endured. Images of your ex-boyfriend beating you. Laying on top of you as he leaves kisses on every inch of your body and not letting you get away.

The worst time that could happen was in the morning. You waste your day away by rehashing the past and thinking about the endless 'what if's like 'what if that never happened to you?' or 'what if he did this instead?'.

That was what happened to me as I was struggling to get out of bed. Pictures of the events that transpired yesterday wrapped around my brain like permanent tattoos. Flashbacks to middle school when he threw a beer bottle at the back of my head were everywhere I looked.

They were there when I glanced at my parents' liquor cabinet. They were there when I carried my glass bowl of cereal to the table. There was no escape from them.

My eyes fluttered open to an empty apartment. The football game was still on, the gun was still on the kitchen table and shards of glass were scattered around me. Gray, nor his friends, were nowhere in sight, but the smell of cigarettes and beer still lingered in the room. I knew, right away, that Gray and his friends were out to meet their dealer.

This was normally when I'd leave. He was gone. It was my chance before he came back and hurt me more. However, what stopped me from leaving were the shards that came from the beer bottle. The danger of the sharp edges that could pierce through skin and cause injury if stepped on with bare feet.

Perhaps this was what I needed to finally cease the suffering for good. If he was going to get away with treating me the way he did, this was my one and only escape. I reached for a shard in between my fingers and examined the sharp point. I winced when I slightly pricked my finger but I never let go.

Taking a deep breath, I allowed the point to face downward toward the skin on my arm. I closed my eyes and reminded myself that this could end the torture. It would be nothing compared to what he put me through but Gray would find me here, unconscious with blood trickling down my arm and realize the affect he had on me.

The piece was inches, then centimeters away from my skin. I prepared myself for the physical pain that was about to take over, but I knew it would be worth it. The tip of the shard barely touched me when a noise came from my phone.

Count On Me by Bruno Mars started to play and I didn't have to look at the screen to see who was calling. It was my guardian angel. Zach was calling me to ask where I was and considering the timing of the call, I took it as a sign from the universe.

The boys never knew about that and I intend to keep it that way. Forcing myself out of bed, I slipped into the first hoodie in my closet that my fingers touched and a pair of skinny jeans.

Zach was cooking me breakfast which I only ate because I didn't want him to go through all the trouble for nothing. Eating the ham and cheese omelet was the last thing I wanted to do. We drove together to school and Zach sensed that I wasn't in the mood to talk. It was a quiet ride, save for the music softly playing on the radio. I met Olive at her locker, as usual.

"Good morning, Olly Bolly," I sullenly greeted.

The lack of reaction threw me for a loop. She remained facing her locker as she packed her books into her backpack with the same somber look etched into her features. A frown was formed on her lips and puffiness lined underneath her eyes.

"Olive?"

Sean was holding her from behind and peppering her cheek with kisses. Her frown stayed unmoved.

When she was done, she slammed her locker shut, but stared off into space. With the dead look in her eyes, it was obvious she was haunted by what happened. Of course she was. No girl thinks something like that would happen to her until it does.

"She hasn't smiled since that day. When I picked her up from your house, this was all she did. Frowned and stared off into space. When I FaceTimed her last night and this morning, a lonely tear fell down her face." He sighed as he took a second to look at her. "Angela's been trying to get a hold of her, but she never responded. The whole cheer team came over to her house last night with a cupcake and a teddy bear dressed as a cheerleader, but she still moved like a zombie."

My heart dropped to the bottom of my stomach and its pieces were destroyed into smithereens. What I was most worried about was the possibility that she would try to end it, like I did years ago. That the thought of hurting herself would cross her mind. Even though Gray touched me way more often, he still touched her.

When Zach called me that night, the timing shocked the hell out of me. It was like, somehow, he knew what I was going to do. Without him, I wouldn't be alive today. He made me realize that taking my life wasn't the answer. Now, it was my turn to help Olive and to help her through this mess. My train of thoughts were interrupted when the first bell rang.

I took my time walking to the classroom, looking back at Sean who was guiding Olive to her class. I may not be able to erase her memory, but I wished there was something I could do to bring that famous smile back.

"Good morning, class! Big day today. I graded all of your tests. I'm disappointed with..." Mrs. Keppler kept babbling about the test scores of half the class, but it was a challenge to concentrate on anything she was saying.

Looking at the C I got, my main worry wasn't that I wouldn't be able to get into college with the best nursing program. The only thing I could think about was what I could do to help Olive. Managing to glance at Mrs. Keppler, I silenced my phone and snuck a text to Olive under my desk.

Bella:

How about we go to the mall after school?

That girl loved shopping. She'd take every opportunity to try on the cutest outfits and take mirror selfies in the fitting room. That had to cheer her up. Every chance I had, I checked my phone for any messages.

No response.

I breathed out a sigh of relief when the bell rang. My feet hurriedly carried me through the halls and my eyes frantically searched for Olive in the crowd of students. I finally spotted her passing by the library and rushed to her side. "Olive. We don't have to go to the mall."

"I don't feel like doing anything today."

"But. At least come over after school. I have something to tell you."

Olive hesitated, but she finally caved in with a weak nod and a smile. It was a small smile, but a smile nonetheless. It was my duty, as her best friend, to help her through this. Cheering her up was the goal for tonight, but I needed her to promise me something else first.

-

Olive and I were sitting on my bed; she was silently being haunted by the recent events while I scripted how I was going to say this to her. The first thing I had to say was an apology. It was my fault he touched her after all. I ignored his texts and getting to her was the only way he could think of to get my attention.

"First, I wanted to say how sorry I am that what happened to you happened to you. It was my fault—"

"Don't say that."

"—but it was. I suspected that it was him constantly sending me those creepy ass texts. He wanted to get my attention and getting to you was his last resort. If I had figured it out sooner that it was him and texted him back, none of this would've happened."

"Bella, stop—"

"I'm not finished. I also wanted to tell you... something that I never even told the boys."

Her curiosity peaked. She knew I told the boys everything. Too much information or not. If I never told them about something, it was a big deal.

"When I was with Gray, I had these... fantasies about... let's just say, taking it upon myself to end things."

It took her a minute to process my words, but when she did, her eyes widened more than a mere fraction and her jaw dropped. A sheen of tears covered her eyes as she was sure imagining what it would've been like for the boys if I followed through with the plan. A weird feeling was stirring inside me, about coming clean about what I had thought about during my darkest times, but I kept going.

"As I tried to sleep, I imagined what it would feel like to cut myself, to overdose or to... let Gray shoot me. Better yet, shoot myself. As a matter of fact," I paused. I hesitated on telling her what happened that night. She wasn't going to tell the boys. If I hadn't told them, she knew that was for a reason. That wasn't why I was struggling. I was struggling to tell her because I didn't want her to see me as broken or think of me as a weak little girl. I forced myself to tell her. "One night, they became more than just fantasies. I contemplated... cutting myself."

Her expression was disheartening. The tears that spilled over to race toward her chin was an indication that her heart imploded. I couldn't look at her anymore unless I wanted to cry with her, which I didn't. It would never stop. "I almost cut myself with a piece of a broken beer bottle that he hit the back of my head with. The piece was... the piece was barely touching me when Zach called me. It was like he was my guardian angel. Then, I would think about the boys, my family, my parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents. I reminded myself of the emotional trauma I'd put them through. If I committed, I never would've met my bestest girl friend I'd ever had."

She was holding in sobs with her teeth nibbling on her quivering lips. Taking deep breaths was a technique rendered useless. My hand landed on top of her knee and for the first time today, my lips formed a genuine smile.

"You are my dream best friend."

"And you're mine. We both love the beach, going shopping at the mall and... not to mention, you're the kindest, most supportive, sweetest, caring angel that ever landed on Earth. It's a privilege to call you my best friend."

Tears — this time, happy tears — slipped from her eyes. The corners of her lips twitched to the bright smile that reached her eyes. I missed that smile and I was the one that made it reappear. That made me happy. I couldn't turn back time, but I could still remain right there by her side.

She chuckled before she pulled me in for a warm embrace. We froze in that position for what felt like eternity. If anything, me opening up about my almost attempt brought us closer together. It made me realize how grateful that God led me to her.

She was the light at the end of the tunnel.

When we pulled away from each other, we still held onto each other's hands. It was time for me to ask her what I wanted her to come over for.

"Olive, I know how traumatizing that was to be touched by Gray, but... I want you to promise me something. I want you to promise that you'll never take your own life. Or even consider it. I don't know what I'd do without you in my life. I realize now that suicide is not the answer. Life will get better if you would just live long enough for the universe to prove that."

"Say no more. I promise you, with everything in me, I promise you, I'll never take my own life. Yeah, it sucks what happened, but... I still have you and the boys." Her finger swiped a tear that was just below her eyes and she sniffled into the back of her hand. "And meeting all of you was the best thing that ever happened to me."