I wasn't gonna tell her. I was waiting until I thought of a good lie to cover it up. If I told her I tried to kill myself, it would hurt her even more. I haven't even told Alby or Minho yet, I wasn't sure if I ever would.

Two and a half weeks after the incident and another runner had been stung. I was called to the med hut to help.

"If I have to keep listening to this for much longer, I'm gonna kill myself" alby sighed.

"No!" I shouted, a little louder than I had intended, "you aren't gonna kill your self. "

"Shuck Newt, calm down. It's just a saying. Are you alright?" Alby asked.

I sighed and contemplated what I should tell him. And After a minute of thinking, I decided I should tell someone.

"I tried to kill myself" I confessed, my voice was so quiet, I could barely hear it.

Alby just stared, he was speechless. "I went into the maze and climbed up the tallest wall I could find. I climbed as high as I could. Then I pushed myself off of the bloody thing. I just didn't climb high enough and snapped my leg instead of dying. That's what happened Alby. Now you know the truth. Now you can stop asking. Now you can leave me alone" Then I walked out of the room and headed towards the deadheads. Alby didn't stop me, he didn't say anything. Which I was grateful for. I walked to the forest, hoping to get some peace.

I walked to a slightest deeper part of the forest and sat down against the trunk of a tree. I let my emotions from the last few weeks flow out. I've been hiding them and been keeping them inside, pretending everything is fine. But now that I had a moment to myself, I broke down the wall hiding my tears and let them spill. They were silent sobs, but they were still there.

After a short while, my cries were calming down to small sniffles. I felt something hit my head and I saw a small branch fall down to my left. I looked up at the tree, maybe some animal had pushed it down. Though I'd never seen animals outside the farm, besides beetle blades.

I was almost right.

Gracy was sitting up there, her back pressed agains the tree trunk and her eyes were closed and relaxed.

I wiped my tears and took a few breaths to steady myself. "Gracy? Is that you?" I asked.
Stupid question, of course it was her.

She opened her eyes and looked down at men instantly a small smile spread across her face, "yeah it is, Newt." She said. She climbed down from where she was and sat next to me at the base of the tree. Her face fell when she got closer to me, "Newt, what's wrong? What's going on?" She asked me.

I shook my head, "a lot, Gracy. A lot" I stared at a spot in the floor and avoided looking at her.

"I don't care if it takes and hour or all day, tell me what's on your mind" she insisted, "I'll listen the whole time. Trust me" she put her hand on my leg. I looked up at her smiling, caring face and I relaxed. She wasn't lying.

I sighed and let everything out, "I pretend everything is fine, but it's not. I hate this shuck place, I hate the maze, I hate the glade, I hate the grievers, I hate the creators. There's not many things I enjoy right now." I spoke very fast, but paused and glanced up at her. Gracy's expression was now serious, "I told you that you couldn't be a runner. When I" I took a deep breath, "When I pushed you.  I hurt you and it hurt me. I decided that dying was just about as good as living, maybe better" Gracy had grabbed my hand and was holding it tight, running her thumb across the back of my hand.

When she didn't say anything, I continued, "I went out into the maze and found the tallest wall I could. I climbed up it as high as I could go. Then one of the bugging beetle blades came right next to me. It was watching me. I yelled at it. Asked them if what I was doing was making them happy. Then I pushed myself off the wall" Gracy had tears in her eyes, "Gracy, I really tried to kill myself. I thought hurting me would help me. It was selfish, I'm sorry. I didn't think about you or any of the other Gladers" I glanced down at my foot, it was still damaged and I had a bad limp whenever I walked.

"Newt" she cried, "it hurt me when you pushed me, but I didn't love you any less. I still needed you. And as much as I'm upset with you for thinking that was a good idea, I'm glad you're still alive. I never would have survived without you" She pulled me into a hug and cried into my shoulder, "I need you, Newt. I always will"

I hugged her back and let a few of my own tears trickle down my face.