It goes on like that. I wake up every day, Charlotte comes in to check on me (occasionally it's one of the other doctors, but it's usually Charlotte). And, of course, Marvin visits. He visits as often as he can, and he tells me about whatever's going on with Jason at home or at school. And when Jason visits, he tells me himself, usually while we're playing chess, if he brings it.

I try to keep my energy up, to seem healthy, even though I'm feeling less and less like it. I don't want to worry the kid, or to worry Marvin. But every so often when Charlotte reports back with my medical progress it all feels a lot more real, and it's like a slap in the face.

I see Trina and Mendel on occasion as well. I never really talked much with Mendel, but he seems genuinely concerned for me, and it's always nice to see him there. I know he and Jason are really close, and it makes me happy. He and Cordelia have a nice banter, too, mostly because she's the only one who laughs at his horrible jokes. She comes by with Marvin sometimes; usually with food, talking about what good it will do for me.

But then there are the days when nobody visits, and it's excruciating, sitting there alone. How many more days will I even spend with these people? How many days will I have to spend lying in the hospital waiting either for the doctor to come in or my body to fall asleep?

Marvin and I don't talk about what's happening, or what's going to happen, and it's not out of spite or dismissal, rather that we're both conscious to it and we don't want to waste time with each other. And so we don't.

Instead, we talk about other things. He brings up our relationship one day, asking who would believe that we'd end up as lovers. "Do you want me to reply?" I ask when he doesn't say anything more. 

"No, I was just thinking," he says, a half-smile on his face. He's lying next to me, and for once I feel like my life, even in light of recent events, isn't so bleak. "I never would have guessed it." 

"Yeah, I would have expected it'd be you and your wife, but that's just me," I respond teasingly, and he elbows me gently. 

"Whizzer, whatever happens, I promise you I'm going to be here," Marvin tells me. 

"Relax," I assure him. "I haven't died yet." 

"Whizzer." 

I laugh hoarsely. "Alright, alright. You know I love you, don't you?" 

"Of course." He looks over at me and sighs. "I love you, too. And I'm staying right here. Whether you want me to or not." 

I am overcome with emotion, not a regular thing for me. "Marvin, please go home. I'll do fine. It's just for one night." 

"I'm—" 

"Don't be scared." 

"I'm not scared." He sits up and runs his hand through his hair. "But I'm not going yet. I told you, I'm staying here in this spot. Right by your side." He kisses my hand. 

"Go home," I say again, but I'm not upset with him as it comes off. "I promise. Watch TV. Drink something." I smile and pat his arm. "Have a little scotch." It's a poke at what he said to me during our chess game. Marvin doesn't say anything to it and I glance at him to make sure he's still awake. 

He sighs and looks back at me. "I can't help feeling like I've failed." 

That's something I never would have thought to hear from Marvin. Throughout our relationship, the last thing he would do was admit failure, and now that he's said it I feel terrible— terrible for him, for myself, for the shitty outcome of our lives. 

"Hey," I tell him. "Yeah. It's scary. So why not be scared together?" 

He smiles slightly at this. "I just want to be here with you, and love you, and pretend nothing is awful." 

I want that to, and I wish that we could, but I'm conflicted. I want him to be able to go home, not to worry about me, that I'll be fine, except I won't. I want to let myself be glad that he's here with me. I wish everything were the way it was a few months ago, when Marvin and I were perfectly happy together and there was only rare talk of whatever was going around, something we would mourn but never face. I hold him closer to me as I think about all this, this mess, this incessant life, and I want to stay like this forever. Two unlikely lovers in an unfortunately likely situation. 

I hear familiar voices outside of my hospital room that bring me back to reality. "Maybe he's tired?" 

"Maybe he's waiting for us!" 

When I look up, Cordelia and Charlotte are standing in the doorway, looking apologetically at me and Marvin. "Hi, you two," Cordelia says. "Is it a bad time?" 

"We can come back," Charlotte assures. 

Marvin laughs. "No, come on in," he tells them. He looks at me right afterward for confirmation and I nod. The women come in and it's refreshing to see their faces, although it's probably only been a day or two. "Look at us. Four unlikely lovers." 

"Oh, so much is changing right now," Cordelia sighs as Marvin stands up, making room for her to climb up beside me on the bed. "You never know what time will bring." 

"Mm, I think I have a clue," I remark. 

"Let's pretend we haven't, then." 

I try. We're all trying. But our attempts at a lighter subject of conversation don't last too long at all, and all I'm thinking is I don't want this moment to end, I don't want this day to end, for fear of what will come after. I look at Marvin and I take him in, the soft smile on his face as we go on with our conversations, the way his hair strays from his forehead in a charming way. 

He catches my eye and notices my expression of worry. "There's nothing to fear," he says to me, or to all of us. Charlotte puts her arm around him. 

"You're right. There's nothing to fear," she repeats. 

He's reaching his hand out to me, so I take it. "I love you." I don't know how many times I've said that today, but it hasn't been enough, it will never be enough. 

"I love you too."