private messages

melanoma
i am so sorry about yesterday

tomathan
it's okay i found another hotel to stay in

tomathan
i do have a lifetime ban from all marriott hotels though

melanoma
my distant associates are a nightmare

tomathan
no it's fine i had fun hanging out with your friends

melanoma
distant associates

melanoma
and sorry about your curtains

melanoma
sajan is really embarrassed

tomathan
it's okay i can pay for new ones

melanoma
aw

melanoma
you're like his sugar daddy

tomathan
wow mel do you do stand up

tomathan
you're hilarious

melanoma
thank you it's my third best quality behind awesomeness and humility

tomathan
you have a very high opinion of yourself for someone who drank marinara sauce out of the jar for dinner

melanoma
i told you that in confidence you shard of dried coconut

tomathan
too bad

tomathan
sauce swallower

melanoma
they should call blowjobs sauce swallowers

tomathan
i already call them duck n sucks

melanoma
you should call it a look it and book it

melanoma
because that's what girls do to you

tomathan

melanoma

tomathan
oh btw i found a bulgarian wheat ball in my shoe this morning?

melanoma
yeah nina really needs to stop baking

tomathan
how is everyone in the light of day

melanoma
considering electroshock therapy hopefully

melanoma
we're a flaming hot mess sorry

tomathan
literally flaming when you count sajan

tomathan
also sajan said something really weird to me yesterday

melanoma
sajan is a heathen don't listen to anything he says

melanoma
never put cocaine in your microwave

tomathan
what

melanoma
what

tomathan
anyways

tomathan
it was something about you and his brother arjun actually

melanoma
oh yeah i dated him

tomathan
yeah can i get uhhhhhh what the fuck
[deleted]

tomathan
huh

melanoma
for two weeks

melanoma
and then i broke up with him in an email and stole his succulent

melanoma
he wasn't my type

tomathan
really

tomathan
so what's your type

melanoma
not you

tomathan

melanoma
i really hate you

tomathan
but what qualities does a man have to have to meet your standards

tomathan
willing to have their soul leached from their body by you?

melanoma
oh wow i didn't realize we had a comedian here tonight

melanoma
my ideal man has carl sagan's brain and carl sagan's body and carl sagan's laugh

melanoma
oh wait it's carl sagan

tomathan
how could i ever compete

melanoma
what's your ideal girl

melanoma
willing to accept that she has to come second in your heart to your hair?

tomathan
hmm my ideal woman has the ankles of serena williams the brain of the queen of england and the hunchback of the hunchback of notre dame

melanoma
she sounds like fiancé material

melanoma
let me know when you find her and i'll officiate your wedding

tomathan
i think i've already found my ideal girl
[deleted]

tomathan
isn't that illegal

melanoma
no i can legally wed two people in the state of california

melanoma
i have a certificate and everything

tomathan
okay why

melanoma
it's a long story

tomathan
your life seems to be a series of long stories

melanoma
my life is mostly just studying and putting out sajan's fires but i guess

tomathan
speaking of which

tomathan
are you ready for stage 2 of return of the jebi in 3 days

melanoma
that had absolutely nothing to do with what we were talking about

tomathan
i know i'm just excited

melanoma
me too

melanoma
where do you want to meet

tomathan
let's meet at the grove at 5 pm

melanoma
you got it

melanoma
bring running shoes

melanoma
we'll need to make a quick escape

tomathan
i'll bring the night vision goggles too

melanoma
you'll bring what

tomathan
nothing

tomathan
i didn't buy night vision goggles

melanoma
this is going to be a failure

tomathan
all you need is faith mel

melanoma
all you need is a therapist who likes a challenge

tomathan
i'll accept that

tomathan
see you in 2 days

melanoma
jeb till death

tomathan
jeb til death

AUTHOR'S NOTE: are you sick of me making jokes about sajan burning stuff yet