private messages

tomathan
hey want to hear my incredibly nuanced plan with careful attention to detail to get june and seb back together

melanoma
um nut

melanoma
yes

tomathan
great

tomathan
then let me follow you on instagram

melanoma
are you blackmailing me

tomathan
yes i am

melanoma
this is the first time i've ever been attracted to you

tomathan

melanoma
and i'm back that didn't last long

tomathan
so now that you're hopelessly infatuated with me can i follow you

melanoma
i am NOT hopelessly infatuated with you

melanoma
say that ever again and you'll never see your dog again

melanoma
because i'll have stolen her and she'll be living with me being smothered with kisses and love
[deleted]

tomathan
did you just threaten to hurt a DOG??

tomathan
i never thought you were truly evil but now i know you really have no humanity

melanoma
am i good person?

melanoma
no

melanoma
but do i try to be better every day?

melanoma
also no

tomathan
well i'm a good person

melanoma
oh please like you've never done anything wrong

tomathan
i have literally done nothing wrong ever in my life

melanoma
"oh i'm tom the morality king i've probably never even set anyone on fire"

melanoma
yeah right

tomathan
you did what??

melanoma
not you too

melanoma
i swear you accidentally set one person on fire and everyone FREAKS OUT

tomathan
please don't set me ablaze i just want to follow you

melanoma
you know what

melanoma
fine

melanoma
you wore me down

tomathan
the sweetest 4 words in the english language

melanoma
but this better be a damn good plan

tomathan
it has stages and a super cool name

tomathan
and a map but that's mostly just for fun

tomathan
also i didn't buy walkie talkies for this at all

tomholland2013 has requested to follow you!
accept or deny

tomholland2013 started following you!

melanoma
am i going to regret this

tomathan
probably

melanoma
so what's this plan of yours

tomathan
it's called return of the jebi

melanoma
you owe me $40 for the desk i just broke by slamming my forehead into it full force

tomathan
putting the you in grouchy

melanoma
i'm going to put the ouch in grouchy if you don't silence yourself

tomathan
i also refer to it as the 3 c's

tomathan
stage one: communication

tomathan
stage two: contact

tomathan
stage three: connection

melanoma
you sound like a three step program for recovering drug addicts

melanoma
or a self help book

tomathan
listen do you want to help our friends fall back in love or not

melanoma
fall back in love implies they ever fell out of love

tomathan
that's the spirit

tomathan
now for stage 1: communication

tomathan
we're adding you guys into group chat

melanoma
we're not doing that

melanoma
don't you dare

tom added you to virginity war!

melanoma
you cheap rubber car tire