the golden trio
[3 participants]

plant mom
i've gathered you here today to talk about a deeply troubling issue

god
is this about who's been stealing your keens

god
because your keens are the ugliest shoes i've ever seen they deserve to burn

plant mom
i will find who is stealing my keens and i will pay mel $5 to destroy them

melton john
cool i'm like a prostitute but i get to hurt people

plant mom
but that's not the issue

god
so what's wrong then

plant mom
we're here today to talk about mel's love life

god
what are you talking about mel has no love life

god
the only thing she feels affection for is pudding

melton john
well it's the nectar of the gods

plant mom
mel when's the last time you went on a date

melton john
idk

melton john
a couple months ago the cashier at target and i made really long eye contact while i was buying a toothbrush

melton john
does that count

god
mel's love life is like her major

god
theoretical

melton john
theoretically i could also tear your ears off your head and make them into gnocchi

god
theoretically i might've peed my pants in fear

plant mom
but mel there are plenty of guys who like you

god
she's right i don't understand it but there are

god
it's like a weird kink where having their physical and mental wellbeing threatened turns them on

melton john
well then they're all idiots

melton john
besides i'm too busy to have a boyfriend

melton john
school matters way more to me than any man ever will

god
do you hear how lonely you sound

melton john
i understand that i'm desperately single

melton john
i know i'm going to die alone in a light up christmas sweater surrounded by a menagerie of parrots

melton john
but i'm not going to start dating just because you guys want me to

plant mom
it's not that i want you to start dating

plant mom
it's that i want you to start dating tom holland

god

god
mel oh my god did you even see homecoming he's so cute

god
you have to hop on that immediately

melton john
i didn't see homecoming and i'm never going to

melton john
coincidentally tom is another thing i'll never do

god

melton john
i don't even know him why are you guys descending upon me like harpies all of a sudden

god
because we peeped you two getting frisky in the comments section

plant mom
you're terrible at flirting mel it always sounds like you're threatening him with death and injury

melton john
it's because i'm not flirting with him i'm threatening him with death and injury

plant mom
but he's so sweet and nice

plant mom
he really wants to be your friend

melton john
or he wants to do the bump bump in the rump with me

melton john
he's a guy after all

god
would it kill you to say sex mel

god
would it

plant mom
no i know because he dmed me saying he wanted to be your friend

melton john
wow he's really doing the most

melton john
have you ever seen a boy so thirsty

god
thirsty for LOVE

plant mom
he's really cute mel

melton john
then you take him kara

plant mom
i'm so gay

melton john
then you take him ian

god
i'm 72% straight

plant mom
what's the other 28%

god
dev from the next dorm over

melton john
yes perfect let's talk about ian's love life instead

plant mom
nice try

god
mel a star wants to talk to you

melton john
a porn star?

plant mom
mellll

god
just don't shut him down immediately at least

melton john
it's a no from me

plant mom
i have 6 reasons you should change your mind

plant mom

god

plant mom
look at him mel

god
update: i am 65% straight

melton john
not doing it for me

plant mom

plant mom

plant mom

plant mom

god

plant mom
he's a god what more do you need

melton john
idk someone who will watch cosmos with me and buy me pudding

plant mom
did we mention he's rich

god
like pays for guac at chipotle rich

plant mom
he could buy you a lifetime of pudding and fund all your research projects

melton john
suddenly i'm listening

AUTHOR'S NOTE: shoutout to mags because i steal all my memes from her