bride or dies
[4 participants]

lizzie
MEL KILLED MY FISH

mel
IT WASN'T MY FAULT

lizzie
YOU KNEW BUBBLES WAS ALLERGIC TO GLUTEN

mel
NO I DIDN'T

mel
HE'S A GOLDFISH

mel
WHAT KIND OF FISH IS GLUTEN INTOLERANT

lizzie
YOU WOULD KNOW IF YOU HAD ACTUALLY READ THE BOOK OF INSTRUCTIONS I LEFT YOU

mel
LIZZIE IT WAS 608 PAGES WITH PICTURES AND A GLOSSARY

lizzie
WELL SUE ME FOR BEING THOROUGH

mel
IT HAD A SECTION ABOUT BUBBLES'S LIFE

mel
HE'S BEEN ALIVE FOR 1.67 WEEKS

lizzie
YOU KNOW WHAT ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS WATCH HIM FOR 2 HOURS WHILE I HELPED JUNE GET DRESSED

mel
WHO BRINGS A FREAKING FISH TO A WEDDING

lizzie
I HAD A PLUS ONE

mel
that's just sad lizzie

lizzie
i know

lizzie
but ricardo cancelled on me in an email

lizzie
i don't get men

mel
i know you haven't had a date in months

lizzie
WHO FEEDS A FISH GLUTEN

mel
I JUST WANTED TO SHARE MY CROISSANDWICH

scarlett
did you just say croissandwich

scarlett
as in

scarlett
a delicious savory treat constructed out of a flaky pastry layered with meat and cheese

mel
i immediately sense danger

mel
lizzie help

lizzie
over bubbles's dead body

scarlett
that's funny because i brought a croissandwich with me this morning

scarlett
and it mysteriously disappeared

mel
don't look at me i was color coding the buffet table all morning

scarlett
that's not an alibi that's an aliblie

scarlett
you already did that two weeks ago because you're obsessively organized

mel
someone put the tater tots by the mini pies i need to go

scarlett
i'm going to smack you with bubbles's dead corpse

lizzie
NO

mel
bass whooping

mel
get it

mel
instead of ass whooping hahahaha

lizzie
TOO SOON

scarlett
where did uncle earl say he kept his civil war era rifle again

mel
hhhhHhh

mel
june help!

june
uh guys

june
has anyone seen SEBASTIAN

june
my FUTURE HUSBAND

mel
okay don't panic

mel
it's fine

mel
it's FINE i said

mel
it's not like he's DEAD

lizzie
no one was thinking that

june
i'm thinking that now!

scarlett
yeah it's not like his corpse is laying under the buffet table

mel
did you kill seb

scarlett
no just providing options

mel
right

mel
i trust you

mel
but just in case i'm going to go check by the buffet table

lizzie
i'll check the bathrooms

scarlett
i'll go ask the guys

june
i'm flipping a FLAP

mel
don't worry it'll be fine

lizzie
i'm sure we'll find him june

mel
well he's not by the buffet

lizzie
it's no go on the bathrooms

scarlett
none of the guys have seen him since the bachelor party sorry

june
oh my god

june
what if he changed his mind

mel
have you seen how that man looks at you

mel
if he changed his mind love is well and truly dead

june
what happened at the bachelor party

mel
uh idk

mel
probably just strippers

mel
no white tigers or flaming baton twirlers

june
baton twirlers???

mel
did you even hear me say strippers

june
MEL

mel
tom and i may or may not have planned the coolest bachelor party ever with all the stuff you banned from the wedding

june
oh my god

june
my fiancé has been eaten by an albino tiger

june
how am i going to explain this to aunt evelyn you know she has a weak heart

mel
aunt evelyn is a raging racist if she dies it will be no loss to this world

june
mel!

mel
what

mel
listen don't worry i'll find seb

mel
i'm like a sneeze when i get going

mel
i can't be contained

lizzie
gross

scarlett
someone should go with mel to make sure she doesn't pillage and torture her way there

scarlett
again

lizzie
don't look at me

lizzie
she's a fish assassin

mel
i'm a kriller

lizzie
MEL

lizzie
HAVE SOME RESPECT FOR THE DEAD

mel
IT'S A FISH LIZZIE

lizzie
WAS HIS LIFE ANY LESS MEANINGFUL THAN YOURS??

mel
THAN MINE?

mel
UH YEAH

mel
NOT TO TOOT MY OWN HORN BUT I THINK I'M WORTH MORE THAN A GOLDFISH

lizzie
YOU TAKE THAT BACK

scarlett
uh i hate to interrupt but i think i found seb

june
you did??

june
oh thank god

june
where was he?

scarlett
under the buffet table

mel
oh i definitely did not check throughly

june
DEAD?????

scarlett
no but he will be soon

scarlett
he was stress eating

scarlett
my CROISSANDWICH

AUTHOR'S NOTE: i don't want to talk about this chapter. i know it's awful. it's gibberish and it's all about a dead fish with a gluten allergy. but i just needed to update this because it's been SO LONG