▷ opened

melsantiago
who is this

tomholland2013
it's tom!!

melsantiago
i don't know anyone named tom?

tomholland2013
oh shoot is this not mel

tomholland2013
i just searched snapchat usernames

melsantiago
who's mel

tomholland2013
my friend from uc berkeley

melsantiago
well that's definitely not me

melsantiago
i'm a forty seven year old male from texas

melsantiago
i collect ceramic figurines

melantiago
and i have a fish named linguini but he bites

tomholland2013
okay so maybe not the mel i was looking for

tomholland2013
it's so weird that you have the same name as my friend though

tomholland2013
i thought mel was typically a girl's name?

melsantiago
mel is my nickname

melsantiago
it's short for melt because that's what i did to the last rattlesnake who tried to munch on my bootstrap

melsantiago
my real name is columcille

tomholland2013
that's...unique

tomholland2013
was your mother addicted to crack when she named you?
not sent!

tomholland2013
what's the origin of that

melsantiago
it's biblical

tomholland2013
wow

tomholland2013
are you fucking with me
not sent!

tomholland2013
that's great columcille

melsantiago
oh no you can't say my full name

melsantiago
you'll summon the evil spirits that cursed me at birth

tomholland2013
this isn't a verbal conversation?

melsantiago
but even typing the name could the make demons come and eat me like a squash on a sunday

tomholland2013
but didn't you type it before?

melsantiago
well i'm allowed to

melsantiago
i have a protection crystal

tomholland2013
excuse me?

melsantiago
would you like to buy one? i sell healing orbs on craigslist too

tomholland2013
what, with no intended disrespect, the fuck

tomholland2013
who are you

▷ opened

tomholland2013
DAMMNIT MEL

tomholland2013
I TALKED ABOUT FUCKING CRYSTALS

melsantiago
idk it seemed like you were getting along really well with columcille

tomholland2013
i knew it was you😤😤

melsantiago
did you

melsantiago
did you really

tomholland2013
no one else would be weird enough to use the phrase eaten like a squash on a sunday and talk about demons

melsantiago
i take that as a compliment

tomholland2013
i must've said it wrong then

▷ opened

tomholland2013 took a screenshot!

melsantiago
you absolute carpet stain

tomholland2013
you send it i save it

tomholland2013
i'm going to buy such a nice car with the money i make off blackmailing you with this

melsantiago
it's a good thing i have no sense of dignity or else that would work

tomholland2013
you're right

tomholland2013
maybe i'll just release it to my 4 million instagram followers and see how you're feeling then

▷ opened

▷ opened

melsantiago
you look like you have the plague

tomholland2013
it's for infinity war

melsantiago
sure

melsantiago
just don't get me sick

melsantiago
i don't catch two things: diseases and feelings

tomholland2013
that doesn't surprise me

tomholland2013
i feel like your white blood cells would just scare germs into submission

melsantiago
speaking of things that are scared of me is chadwick there

tomholland2013
no but these studs are

▷ opened

melsantiago
i love my boy burt macklin

tomholland2013
personally i'm a fan of janet snakehole

melsantiago
oh no we watch the same shows

melsantiago
this is starting to nudge us dangerously close towards friendship

tomholland2013
i don't know what you mean "starting to"

tomholland2013
i already have ideas for our joint tombstone

melsantiago
i will not hesitate to choke the life out of you

tomholland2013
can you even reach my neck

melsantiago
you moldy cottage cheese cup

tomholland2013
😍😍

tomholland2013
hey i got to get back to set but i'll text you later

melsantiago
feel free not to

tomholland2013
aw i'll miss you too

melsantiago
bye

AUTHOR'S NOTE: this chapter really got away from me it's absolute nonsense. i tried doing a snapchat chat chapter and i'm pretty sure it flopped hard but oh well. format inspired by (stolen from) my girl ebbie