private messages

tomathan
good morning mel!

mel
no

tomathan
what?

mel
it's 7 am

mel
text me at a godly hour

mel
bye

─

tomathan
hi again mel!

tomathan
how've you been

mel
well my existence is a continuum so i've been what i am at each point in the implied time period

tomathan
haha yeah for sure

tomathan
no doubt no doubt

tomathan
i know a lot of things too

mel
like what

tomathan
like neutron stars can spin 600 times per second, which is roughly more than most rotisserie chickens can

mel
wow

mel
you put the tom in lobotomy

tomathan
someone's grouchy

mel
someone's about to be drinking all their meals through a straw for the next 6 months

mel
i was up late last night studying for my test this morning i'm allowed to be a little cranky

tomathan
what are you studying right now?

mel
the einstein-rosen bridge

tomathan
oh cool!

tomathan
where is that

mel
oh tom no

mel
it's another term for schwarzchild wormholes

tomathan
what are those?

mel
areas of space that are connected and modeled by vacuum solutions to the einstein field equations

tomathan
are you speaking english

mel
they're also considered theoretical passages through space-time

tomathan
like in the avengers!

mel
what

tomathan
when they open the portal using the tesseract so the chitauri can invade new york

mel
are you speaking english

mel
besides it's only hypothetical there's about a billion issues with size and expansion and stability

mel
they're pretty cool though i like astrophysics

tomathan
i just googled wormhole but a porn site came up and i had to delete my entire computer

mel
how do i tell you you're an absolute idiot without sounding mean

tomathan
that's never stopped you before

mel
shut up you moldy cilantro leaf

tomathan
aw cute i love pet names

mel
pet names repulse me to my core

tomathan
but sweetheart

mel
what do you want sugary cardio vascular pump

tomathan
nothing much love muffin

mel
that's fascinating to hear affection baked good

tomathan
how's your day been baby girl

mel
my day has mostly consisted of studying so far infant woman

tomathan
this is getting out of hand

tomathan
how about i just call you mel

tomathan
or mellie

mel
you just lost the right to call me mel by suggesting that nickname

mel
you may address me by my last name or my liege

tomathan
but mel

mel
what did i just say

tomathan
sorry my liege

tomathan
what's mel short for anyways

tomathan changed mel to melanie!

melanie
hint: it's not short for melanie

tom changed melanie to melissa!

melissa
try again buddy

tom changed melissa to melanoma!

melanoma
omg tom how did you guess it so fast

melanoma
my god given name IS melanoma

melanoma
my parents named me melanoma because i, like skin cancer, remain undetected and will kill you slowly

tomathan
can't we save the threats upon my life until after lunch at least

melanoma
i reserve the right to threaten you with death until at least 4 pm

melanoma
then i only threaten you with severe injury

tomathan
let's be real mel you wouldn't hurt a fly

melanoma
you're right because a fly is an innocent creature that never knowingly did anything to anybody

melanoma
you however i would maim

tomathan
you're scary when you're like this mel

melanoma
i'm always like this

tomathan
exactly

AUTHOR'S NOTE: can you feel this fic slowly becoming a train wreck because i can. i just ended this chapter right here because i gave up and i feel like that says a lot about what direction it's going in