the golden trio
[3 participants]

plant mom
it's wednesday night

god
i'm aware

plant mom
wednesday nights are supposed to be family dinner nights

plant mom
and yet i'm down here alone

god
what did you make for dinner

plant mom
why

god
just trying to figure out how elaborate my lie has to be to avoid it

plant mom
listen i made quinoa and we're having a nice family dinner in the common room

plant mom
it's not up for discussion

god
ugh kara stop feeding us healthy grains

melton john
yeah hard pass

melton john
your grains cause me pains

plant mom
this is for your benefit mel

melton john
what do you mean

plant mom
i thought a nice home cooked meal and your two friends would cheer you up

melton john
you thought permanently destabilizing my small intestine and forcing to spend time with ian would make me feel better?

god
excuse me

melton john
listen

melton john
ever since you started learning magic you've been insufferable

god
paul rudd said it was cool so it's cool

melton john
you disappear from every decathlon meeting in a cloud of smoke

god
yeah which is fucking COOL

god
you're just jealous that my bedroom is where the magic happens

melton john
and by that you mean where you practice magic

god
yeah what else

melton john
i don't have time for this

plant mom
what don't you have time for mel?

plant mom
your friends?

melton john
that's not what i meant

plant mom
wasn't it though

plant mom
we never see you anymore

god
kara's right

god
you've gone full hermit

god
last time you left the library someone took a picture and put it on twitter like a bigfoot sighting

plant mom
i was hoping tonight we could spend some time together

plant mom
you never even spend time in our room

melton john
maybe that's because you do yoga half naked and burn sage all the time

god
that's definitely not sage

plant mom
okay so i'm not as studious or controlling or whatever

plant mom
that doesn't mean we can't hang out

melton john
i am not controlling

god
at the the beginning of decathlon meetings you find out what time everyone arrived and then make them form a single file line from earliest to latest and the latest person gets fined

melton john
okay fine i'm type a

melton john
don't call me controlling call me type a

god
if i point out the irony of that statement how bad will you hurt me

melton john
how bad was shrek the musical

god
that bad huh?

plant mom
ian back me up here

god
kara's right mel

god
you don't spend time with people and you're sad

god
and you're shutting us out of your life

melton john
i'm not sad

melton john
i'm busy

melton john
how many times do we have to go over the difference

plant mom
until we believe you

melton john
my application to MIT's grad program is due tomorrow that's why i've been working so hard okay

god
you only think you're busy mel

god
really you've just been throwing yourself into your work to avoid what's really bothering you

melton john
what really bothers me is institutionalized racism and people who don't push in their chairs not tom

plant mom
nobody mentioned tom

god
OHOHOHOHO

god

god
i KNEW this was about tom

plant mom
sorry i told him about the part of your conversation i overheard

melton john
you spied on me??

plant mom
we share a room!

plant mom
i'm allowed to be in there

plant mom
i just happened to be there while you were on the phone

plant mom
and while i was wearing black and hiding in the closet so you wouldn't see me

melton john
i'm going to put a lock on the door

plant mom
i'll pick it

god
since when can you pick locks

plant mom
since i got locked in the art studio over the holiday weekend

plant mom
it was awful i had to survive off saltines and the moisture of ms. ruben's desk cactus

melton john
right

melton john
okay

plant mom
anyway you're not off the hook

plant mom
tell us what happened with tom

melton john
can we please not talk about this

melton john
we just had a fight that's all

melton john
who cares

god
we care

god

plant mom
what he means is we care about YOU

melton john
gross you know affection gives me a rash

melton john
are you trying to give me a skin affliction on purpose

plant mom
no i'm trying to be supportive

plant mom
i love u

melton john
i love u 2

melton john
even though their last album received a considerable amount of criticism

plant mom
mel be serious

melton john
listen i can't make dinner okay?

melton john
i'm sorry

melton john
i have to work

god
come on mel

melton john
see you guys tomorrow

plant mom
will we?

plant mom
mel

god
just let her go kara

AUTHOR'S NOTE: i'm trying to show mel being sad without making things sad because this fic is supposed to be funny not angsty but it's HARD