After meeting Dennis, that time, I never went home. I rode a bus that I didn't even know where it was headed. Seated near the windshield, I was staring outside solitarily. Everything I was seeing was passing by in a fast, blurry pace, disappearing in an instant.

But really . . . There was nothing to see. It was already dark. All I could see were the tiny flickering lights in every edifice, fainting like wisps made out of nebulosity.

I was holding the drug that Dennis gave me. I wanted to keep it as some sort of lucky charm.

I could not apprehend what was drifting inside my brain. Minutes and minutes had passed and the bus reached its final destination. Exiting the bus, the cold wind welcomed me, giving me its cooling sensation to my skin. I could smell the pungent scent of the soil after the rain, mixing with the calming breeze of the sea. I had no idea where this place was, but I could tell that it was a nearby province.

I walked towards the sea and sat on the log placed on a short distance as I watched the quintessential masterpiece of nature.

The great night was perfect, a vast blanket of black, sprinkled heavily with stars and more stars yet. It was a lucky night—a beautiful night—as though it was perfectly rendered for me to kill myself. 

I want to throw myself in the sea and die.

Why not, though?

I was completely aware of my existence. I was like a poisonous thorn that pricked this family. And little by little, I was actually killing them.

But who mended to be a poisonous thorn? The world itself.

The world was empty, to begin with. Looking at the world in my own perspective, there was no good single thing in this world. Maybe, I guess? I might just lack appreciation.

I knew that I wasn't the only one who had been thinking of this.

Look in every corner around this planet. Everything was changing in just a flash. Humans were blinded by their anxiety, anguish, fear, and boredom. People were hungry of knowledge, they were confused, having no destination in sight. Preoccupied with pleasing men and gaining their approval, they never knew that the knowledge they build would be their greatest downfall.

I am alive. We were alive. Humans lived only at the present moment. And that moment disappeared that instant underneath the sole of their feet. The next moment and the moment after that were exactly the same. It was always the same. It had always been.

Yet I still couldn't die. I wouldn't kill myself this time. My parents would rejoice. I couldn't afford to see them being happy without me. That was why I considered giving this 'angel dust' to them. But the real question was . . . Can I do it?

Could I kill someone? If I did, I could already see myself being thrown into the depths of the fiery, filthy, and hideous hell.

But I needed a reason. A feasible reason to murder someone. What does it really take to take someone's life? Do I have to be in hell first so that I could bring my whole remaining sanity in the brink of true madness?

Now, now . . . Where could I find it? That reason.

I only sighed and decided to leave this place. I was all so tired of thinking. Maybe I could reward myself from keeping this life alive until now.

Walking upon the lonesome night, I watched the whole surroundings with sad eyes. The sound of the night was so quiet. I was always reminded of how sad the sound of the deep darkness. How unpleasant did I live my life, huh? Even the sound of the tranquil night had a sorrowful effect on me.

Dragging my feet to somewhere, I reached a small town. Sure, it was just a small town, but it was rich in vibrant colors. Looked like there was a town festival here. It was very festive, having lively music filled the air that lifted every spirit up. There were children along the streets and each face was lit up with unrestrained joy.

There were lights that illuminated the dark street as it lured me to come further. People were gathered up with their colorful costumes and hands held tight together. There were images painted on their cheeks—butterflies, fairies, flowers, and other sparkly mythical stuff.

How envious I am.

I continued walking with my head nodding down. It was a shame for me to be here, knowing that I would be the one who would ruin the merry atmosphere. Walking and walking . . . and in the corner of my eyes. I looked at it fully. There was a huge tent with a dome in the center of it. Its color was red with white stripes or the vice versa.

A circus, huh?

Very rare to have a circus these days. Circus in a tent existed in eighteen hundredths. Only very few circuses only remained up to this era.

Since it got me really curious, I made my way to the circus. Once stepping in the entrance, there was an arch to welcome me as the portal towards the inside. The arch said: The Rabbit's Hole.

The Rabbit's Hole? Am I going to expect some Wonderland vibes in here?

Well, whatever. I just needed to have a source of entertainment to divert my attention.

As I entered inside, the tent was full of specters with loud cheers and applauses. Since the circus spaces were all occupied, I had no choice but joist my way to the front. The place was too small to accommodate the viewers. Presumably, only ten meters radius and the raised circle platform where they perform had only ten diameters in meters, yet I could say that the whole place was engineered meticulously—the types of equipment was looking safe and expensive. And judging the people here, this circus must be really popular.

I was expecting to see some tamed wild animals to perform, but I was reminded that it was banned in the nineteenth century.

The place was kinda dark, lit only by some fill lights, glistening the iron bars that were set in the air.

Just to think of it . . . It's my first time in a circus, that's why I'm engrossed by it.

Not long enough when the music had started to play. A spotlight was emphasizing the aerialist with a hoop that was suspended on the ceiling. There was a woman, leaning her back on the hoop and having a comfortable sit on the air.

Talk about being a professional.

As the music started to play, she began as well. Her moves were slow as if she was trying to mimic the moves of a graceful water.  And the fact that she had a firm grip to the while she performed aerial acrobatics, it astounded me! Even the sheer amount of control she had in able to look like she was in slow motion was just stunning.

After a few whiles whirling nonstop on the air, she finally took her exit. The music had changed as well. The soundtrack that was playing this moment was something that could make my heart pound. It was a very powerful sound that could shake me as if the gravity was about to fail. 

The musicians had appeared, as well as the vocalists and the circus clowns. A voice of a woman had begun to resonate and I could believe my ears to what was I hearing! Her voice got my heart vibrated as though the ground was breaking . . .

What more when the performers started to play . . . Everyone was enjoying their performance. They look so angelic, but at the same time, weird. Absolutely crazy and insane, but very enthralling and enrapturing. 

The contortionists were defying the limits of their human body, even the acrobats. I just couldn't believe how dainty their bodies were, but their muscles and bones must be made out of iron.

It was amazing to realize how did they make it look so easy. They were undulating their limbs like they were some kinds of underwater flexible creatures. It transfixed me, dazing me the thought of the ability of a human was too beautiful to watch. The amount of strength and skill was keeping my mind blown.

Everything was really perfect; the movements were sharp and precise . . . but there was something that kept me haunted . . . How could they play while having so much fun? The untainted smiles they had were unwavering.

I'm envious. I am so envious to the amount of passion they have. 

It was frustrating for me to see these people who had such passion for this performance. I did ballet and some of the acrobatics before, but I had never come this far as they did. I did crave for all this, but I gave up that easily. 

They were magical, full of virtuous. The way they conveyed their emotions were vibrating to my nerves, awakening my dried and dead soul. I could say that it was inspiring. Something that could make fly to the twilight-colored sky. It was very artistic, hypnotic, theatric, and cinematic. So much effort had been done. The creativity had gotten me so emotional . . . And little did I know, tears fell right from my eyes.

For a small circus like this, how could they produce such a spectacular performance? The show had ended. Deafening cheers had filled the whole place. I stayed standing there with my head bowed down.

People are leaving . . . What am I still doing here? Even the workers of this circus are wrapping up.

I didn't care. I wanted to stay. There was something I needed to do. 

The crowd had left and I remained, unmoving. Soon, a person approached me.

"Miss?" he said. "Are you okay?"

I lifted my head and looked at him. I recognized him from his get-up, make-up, and hairstyle, he was one of the aerialists. He was carrying some of the materials from their performance.

I took a good amount of courage and muster all the resolve as much as I could. 

"I . . ." I uttered, clenching my both fists.

"I?" he repeated.

"I . . ." I breathed out, "I want to join this circus!"

The man was flabbergasted at first, but eventually let out a surprised scream, rendering a visible shock on his face.

Why is he so surprised?

"E-EH?! Wai—Wait . . ." he trailed, dropping all of the materials he was handling. "Are you sure? I mean . . . What?"

"I said—"

"What's the commotion up here?"

My words were cut by some person from behind. I took at where the female voice came from, then I saw a woman—in her forty's, I presumed—with very defined stature while holding a thin, hallowed tobacco pipe. Her sharp and bony looks emphasizing a very strict persona. Her black hair was tied in a tight bun with strikes of gray strands, glaring eyes, straight and thin lips, and pointed nose. Her face had the aristocratic features.

"Oh? It's Granny!" the guy who was with me greeted with a lively voice.

"Who are you calling 'Granny', you little brat?" the old woman retorted. Then she composed herself as she smoked her pipe and puffed out. "So? What does she want?"

The guy went near the granny, still having a huge smile on his face. "She said that she wanted to join your circus, Granny~!"

'Your circus?' Did that mean, she was the owner?

"She?" she had a dissatisfied look on her face as she gazed at me as if she was belittling me. "Are you serious, lass?" 

"Y-Yes . . . " I regretted when I hesitated at first.

She snickered, letting out an underestimating scoff, "Have you heard yourself? How could a snotty little brat like you have the guts to join my Rabbit's Hole?"

I got offended with that. How could she judge me, not even seeing my capabilities?

"How could I tell?" she clasped her arms, whilst setting the hand that held her pipe in the upper portion. "I have keen eyes for pure talents, for you to know. And I don't need a half-hearted person like to infect my circus. Have you seen yourself? You're nothing but a miserable human being. And judging the way your eyes emit emotions, you're the lowest of the lows."

Without further words, she left.

It harder for me to believe, but I might need to pick my jaw up from the floor. She . . . She had just shattered me right off the bat!

"Uh . . . I think, I need to apologize on her behalf," the guy told me, also surprised by the words she said to me.

"But . . . But," I sighed, trying not to argue for more. "I'm leaving."

I started to walk, eyes downcasted. She was right. A half-hearted person like me had no place in a circus of sky-high and sunshine? I didn't know why I wanted to join this circus. My gut feeling only told me.

I was about to exit the place when I felt someone gripping my arm to make me stop from going.

"Wait, Miss," the guy who was talking to a while ago spoke. "Do you really wish to join?"

I looked at him. I saw with a guilty face. Sighing, I answered, "Although I wished to, she was right. I can never be like you people."

"But you saw something in us, do you? That's why out of your conscience, you wanted to enter the world of Wonderland."

The corner of his lips was curved up, coaxing an enigmatic look on his face. His words were true. I saw something in them—something that I couldn't attain.

"Yes," I faced him with a valiant expression. I didn't know how, but my eyes went serious. "I saw the jealousy. I craved for the fun you are having as you do all the crazy stunts."

"Oh? So you're saying that you know about performing arts?"

"Uh-huh. I've been doing ballet since childhood."

"I see. That's answers why you have the built of a ballerina," he said in exhilarating voice. "Can I know your name?"

"Ellianna Richardson," I introduced myself.

Once I spoke my name, I sighted how he gawked—his mouth was gaped open. He was frozen, deep-rooted to where he was standing. I gave him a puzzled look. Was there something wrong?

"Y-You . . . You're the Ellianna Richardson?" I nodded my head as my response. "You are the famous child prodigy in ballet?! The one who championed the Youth America Grand Prix? Then turned down Vaganova Ballet Academy scholarship . . . because, because of what again?! But what the hell is this? How did Granny turn down someone like you?!"

"Was I that famous?"

"Idiot! Of course, you are!" he smacked my head lightly with his fist. "I'm Carlyle Vieira! And I'm going to help you to join The Rabbit's Hole! Then we'll make that old lady regret rejecting you!"

I was slightly touched by his enthusiasm to help me. Good thing that I said my name.

"Will you really going to help me? I think it'd be hard to convince her."

"Don't worry, Miss Ellianna! It'd be simple if you attend an audition that will be held three months from now."

I tilted my head as I blinked. "Audition? Is it really hard to enter here?"

"Yup. Everyone in this circus was handpicked by Granny. It may not look like this time, but The Rabit's Hole is the most influential theatrical producer in the nation (for now)."

"Really?" I expressed a state of confusion. "If it does, then what are you doing in this small town?"

Carlyle smiled eccentrically, "Because we're looking for a talent like you have." and he answered, encircling an arm around my shoulders. "That's why we'll do our very best to make you one of the members of the Wonderland!"

"Don't be that over-confident." I told him, "What does it take to be qualified here?"

"Oh, if you've been doing ballet dance, then you're safe, but you must at least know how to sing, play an instrument, do contortion, gymnastics, acrobatics, and act like a clown."

"Wow, that's plenty."

"Really do, but that's Granny's standards!" he exasperatedly said, "Ah, as well as martial arts. You must know at least one."

My face went blank. Martial arts? "I think it's really impossible for me to join. Why must know martial arts, to begin with? This is performing arts, not a military application."

Carlyle let his arm off me and once again, he got that thrilling smile crept on his lips. It was as if there was something beyond this circus of freaks.

"The Rabbit's Hole is different, Ellianna Richardson." and then he gave off a truly mysterious air—as though his motives are remained hidden in an alluring mask of his. Carlyle turned his heels to me, walking opposite direction from the egress. "Let's meet tomorrow if you are interested."

I knew that there was something strange in this circus, but I couldn't shake these feelings of excitement through my bones.

The Rabbit Hole . . . It was like a mystery that yearned to be deciphered. It was something eerie that could run a knife through my spine and feel the chills in my veins.

Is this the answer?

Then, I would let my mother and father lived and keep the drug in my hands for a while. And as for this moment, I'd dedicate my life to get in the circus. 

Well, probably, I might be able to enjoy this as I unravel all the secrets of this group.

I smirked to myself. If there was something good about life. . . Definitely, it is when life offered wisdom to have a reason to live.

• — ◽◻◽ — •

i . . . i tried. im sorry.

🌻 handtheirend