That night, I went back to the house. It was passed thirty minutes after nine. I only headed to my room and had a quick shower. I also decided to take a rest for now.

What I had seen this night exhausted me. It was something that took half of my lifespan. Lol.

It was funny to think that I had wasted the fifty percent out of one hundred percent of my life, and still, that circus show had taken half of the fifty percent remaining in me. Absolute bullshit.

Also thinking about it makes me want to lose half of the twenty-five percent.

Ah . . . Too much thinking. Maybe I just needed to sleep. But thinking about I, needing a sleep, kept me awake. Seemed like I had forgotten how to sleep properly.

It was just . . . Where do we go when we sleep? Why once my eyes are already closed, all I will see darkness, but eventually see dark red spots to dark blue, even violet?

It felt like I was in a deep, infinite space of darkness and ruins.

Thinking of that made me really feel so sick. And suddenly, I sensed myself being sucked into something deep, like a strong, invisible current that could shred me to pieces.

All my life, I always felt that kind of self-righteous anger towards myself, because I couldn't do anything but to stress out. Even the way I would sleep was seriously stressing me out. Damn. It was more stressful that I couldn't solve anything.

Annoying. Annoying. Annoying.

Ah . . . I'm now anxious to sleep. It seems like tonight will be my last night. Too afraid if I sleep tonight, I'm going to die.

Wasn't that great, though?

I'm still afraid to die, yet too anxious to wake up. If I sleep and wake up the next morning, it'll be a curse to live for a new day.

So troublesome.

I sighed. I suddenly felt like I wanted to go outside. To do nothing, really. I would like to try if I could kill myself tonight.

So it happened, I exited my room. Once I started walking down the hallway, I noticed that there was a crack separated the door and the doorway of my mom's room. The lights were out and darkness had invaded the whole room.

I wondered what was she doing this night? Was she asleep or out of the house? I didn't know. I never cared, anyway.

But before I could touch the doorknob, I heard silent murmurs of grief.

It was my mother's voice. Ah, she's here.

Stepping closer, I listened carefully to her agonizing cries.

"It is all a mistake! A failure! I know that shouldn't have had a marriage! I regretted bearing a child! I should have killed it! I should have . . . I should be enjoying my life right now!"

What a bitch. How dared her to say something like that? But it was her fault, anyway, I had nothing to do with her.

I left, making my way downstairs.  Maybe I should get a glass of water before going out.

Upon walking towards the kitchen, I felt like something was happening not right. I grumbled as I stopped walking. The path to the kitchen was now dark,  it was kind of bright because the moon was full tonight. 

I usually didn't care, but it got me so curious. And the more I walk further, the more I hear weird noises . . . Walking for a few more steps, the louder the noises became.

I was not that idiot enough and aware of what kind of noises they were.

Once I saw it in my own eyes, my father was screwing up another maid on the nook table.

Ugh. I'd just pretend that I didn't roll my eyes.

A bitch and a manwhore.

As my face scrunched up with a huffing sound, I decided to talk, "Eww, filthy swines like you fuckers must be slaughtered to death." and turned the lights on.

Hah, like I'd give a damn.

They got startled, of course, and settled themselves, while I grabbed a glass and opened the fridge. Getting the pitcher of cold water, I poured some on my glass. Then I reclined my back on the fridge's door and watched how dumbfounded they were.

"Please continue. Just pretend that I'm not here." smirking, I drank the water while giving no fucks at all.

"For fuck's sake, Ellianna." my father said through gritted teeth.

"Pfft," I almost spit the water I was drinking, "that's an ill-humor, y'know, fuckface."

Father's anger got ignited. I wondered how much he could do with that graved rage. Just being cautious, I swiped a knife secretly and hid it behind. 

The maid whom he was screwing up tried to cover her body as she ran away from the scene.

What a shameless, useless bitch.

I averted my eyes father, he was calming himself. Well, I must commend that he still looked younger than his current age.

"How many times do I have to tell you that should pay me at least a respect, you ingrate." His voice might be silent, but it was full of threats.

The corner of my lips curled up, depicting a smile of taunt. "Respect?" I scoffed, "Tell me that again when I already care."

I was about to go when he spoke again.

"Ellianna," he repeated with a stern tone.

"Whatever, old man." I waved my hand at him, and before leaving, I told him, "Why don't you try to fuck yourself in hell once in a while? You may gain my respect, you dumbfuck."

I exited the kitchen with a triumphant look on my face. That might be the reason why my mother was crying. Oh, well. Why not paying that she-fucker a visit? Okay, then.

With the knife on my hand, I went to the maid's quarter. The door of the room wasn't locked when I came, thus I came inside. Most of the servants were already sleeping, except for one—the head maid.

"Good evening," I greeted with eyes like a snake looking for its prey, "I'm looking for the woman who had just come here."

The old maid didn't speak, but to point the bathroom of the room. And she looked so horrified. Why, though?

Ah, right. I'm holding a knife.

I only smiled, "Also, can I have the spare key to open that door?"

The old lady quickly rummaged her bedside table to find the right key. Standing up, upon finding it, she gave it to me.

"Thank you," I told her and started walking towards the bathroom. Then I heard the gushing sounds of the shower. Heh. As if she could wash her moral filth.

I never knocked, only slipped the key on the keyhole and opened the door without permission. With a feral and cunning smile, I entered inside. Upon seeing me, there was a remarkable fear glinted on her eyes. The smug on my smile got wider as I locked the door. Her fright got stronger as she saw the knife I was holding.

"Hello, there," I greeted with a wicked smile, "I'm sorry for barging in while you're having a good time."

I paid no dam to her useless heeds and just watched her as she shivered. She was currently naked and trying to cover her body to me. 

I made an annoyed face. This shameless bitch. "You have the guts to get naked and spread your legs in front of my father, yet you're feeling mortified as I looked at you? Unbelievable."

She couldn't look at me straightly. And my irritation was increasing every single time that she made a pitiful face. Bullshit.

"Are you afraid of me?" I asked her, "But not afraid of getting charged of adultery because you're a little whorey-slut desperate for money? Pathetic."

She was now showing visible tears and choked a forlorn cry. Blah, so annoying. 

I moved closer to her while pointing a knife to her face, "I don't need to hear your pathetic cries, loser. Now, I want you to leave this house and never show your face again. You understand?" then she nodded her head despairingly, begging me not to hurt her. "And if I happened to see your unsightly face tomorrow morning, I would let this knife fuck your cunt like oh-so-fucking good."

Her eyes got round as she stood still in a deep affright. Hmph, what an uncultured bitch.

I stepped back away from her and painted a wolfish grin, "That's all, Miss Little Slut, have a good sleep."

I exited the bathroom, then the servant's quarter, and left the house.

Now, now, where to go?

I sighed. What a stressful life. What a stressful family.

Then I slowly found myself walking to the playground where I usually wasted my time. I sat on the swing and let my eyes wandered to the endless stretch of the Earth.

Although mother wanted an annulment, she could not file any complaints to the Law. The reason was because she got no dime to pay to all the costly expenses. My father wasn't providing her anymore. She had no power to break a hard stone and that frustrated her.

And it was actually kind of him to still send me in a prestigious school. Well, I knew for sure that it was just for a show on how righteous he was.

Father wouldn't want to, otherwise. If father would ever sign the annulment papers, then half of his wealth would be given on my mother's account. Worst, he would be sent behind the bars for two to six years as his punishment. He wouldn't like that for sure.

Another sigh was drawn out from me.

Father was still providing my needs. Even though it disgusted me to feed on his money, I had no other choice.

It was truly a work of shame. All I ever want was to die, yet I still look for something to keep myself alive.

My flesh still wanted to live after all these years.

Ah, the flesh is really weak. Or I'm just faking it out? Lol. Who would care, anyway? No one would ever believe to the words of a clown.

Annoying. Annoying. Annoying.

Then I looked up on the vast night sky. Those tiny flickering lights were very attractive. Ah, how to be like those stars? They were very distant, but still loved by many. How envious.

And not that too long, on my point of view, I saw a shadow of man (based on his built) appeared. Once stepping on the light of the street lamps, I quickly recognized him.

"Sean?" I perplexedly said.

I knew that he heard me, so he panned his head towards me.

"Elli?" he returned and started to walk to where I was seated.

As he reached me, I immediately saw the bruises and wounds on his face. Hmm? Those cuts looked fresh, though.

"What happened to you?" I asked him.

"Ah, eh . . ." he scratched the back of his head, "I . . . I got into a fight, so."

I smirked, "Underground fight?"

Although I couldn't see his face much, I felt like his face got paled.

"Haha, you should at least learn how to lie a bit, Sean. I can read your face easily."

Sean pouted, sitting beside the next seat of the swing, "Well, how did you guess that?"

"Uhm, just a hunch. At least, forty-five percent sure." I shrugged and he only nodded twice, "Then, why are you still here? You should've gone home and taken some rest."

"Hmm, I can't go home with this kind of state, though," Sean begun to swing with a weak force, "I will wait until everyone are fast asleep."

"Oh, I see," then I did what he was doing.

"How about you, Elli?" he spoke, "What are you still doing here? It's already late, you see. Something bad may happen to you."

I only chuckled, "How about you guess why I'm here?"

Sean only hummed, jutting his lips out while looking above to think for an answer.

"Then . . . You're out because your parents got a fight again?"

Ah, fast-thinker.

"Well, you're correct." I laughed and swung fast.

He must have known, too. My family was popular in having a bad reputation to the society.

I sighed, "Like I care about their dramas in life, but I hate them. And I don't want to go back. I've just done something terrible a while ago and I'm a goner now. There's no place for me to go anymore."

I felt Sean's sympathetic gazes on me. It was just too lonely and I felt like opening up a bit.

"Elli . . ." he uttered.

"It's okay, it's okay," I gave him a faint smile. "It's not that new to me, but after all this time, it's still too painful for me to handle."

My voices started to get shaky, heart was pounding so hard, and breaths became heavy. I bit my lower lip as I bowed my head down. I felt like I was a ticking bomb about to explode in any moment.

"It's hard, you know," I chuckled between my faint sighs, "I want to live. I desperately want to live, yet I feel like I'm dying every day . . ."

I gritted my teeth tightly. So tight that I was preventing myself to let out an audible cry. My whole body was shaking uncontrollably and I couldn't stop the tears falling from my eyes.

Why only now? Why am I crying now?

"C-Can't . . . Can't I just live?"

I heard some rustles of footsteps on the ground as I sensed Sean in front of me. He then held my chin and made me look at him.

He was blocking the lights, so I couldn't see his face well, but I could feel his sincerity that his eyes emitted.

"Ellianna," he called out, "no matter how it's painful to live, you must still live, because dying is too easy."

With those words, I snorted. Then it turned into laughs.

"Those are some lame words, Sean!" I burst on laughing! His words had just ruined my mood! "Hahaha! You suck in giving advices, you lame bub!"

After I laughed my whole heart out, I sniffed aloud and wiped my tears with my fingers. Ah, that's seriously hilarious.

I gave Sean a smug grin, "How's my acting? Superb, right?" then I winked at him.

Sean's face went sour, "Seriously, Elli!! I was being serious, damn it!"

I smiled. And for the first in a whole decade, it was a honest smile. "Thank you, Sean. And seriously, too, I will keep your lame advice closed to my heart." If I have a heart to spare. Lol.

I stood up and linked my hands on my back. Then I walked a few feet away from him. Having a wide grin on my face, I turned my torso to his direction, "What I said a while ago may sound so half-hearted, but those words are true. I don't usually tell people how I feel, but tonight is an exemption."

"Why?" he asked with an innocent and clueless face.

"Hmm, well . . ." I hummed, pacing forward, leaving gaps between us. "Because probably . . . just probably, we won't meet again."

I only whispered that part, I had no idea if he heard me.

"Just because!" I repeated, louder this time. "Good night!"

And farewell.

• — ◽◻◽ — •

I . . . I . . . I . . . I . . . I . . .
I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-
i triED TO WRITE LOL

sorry if it's lame XD but still, yeah

🌻 handtheirend