Chapter 27. Trying To Make Our Start In a Colorless World (Marie's POV)

The rollercoaster ride called emotions is a bitch. For two weeks after Jamie gave me my "Promise Ring" for my birthday I felt like I was on cloud 9. Joy like I'd never known was filling me so full it felt like I was sweating it out of my pores.
I caught myself several times starring at the ring. Dreaming of how the kids would react. How the wedding would look. Where we would have it the colors of the flowers, and the people there giving us their support. I imagined what our lives would be like, living here together. Bree and I planting flowers around the front while Jamie showed Alex how to make a tree fort. I could imagine their laughter so real I'd snap out of the daydream and tart looking for them.
I tried not to let Jamie see how those daydreams would affect me. I thought I was doing ok till the morning of October 1st, Bree's birthday. When the kids were younger I would always joke how awesome it was that our birthdays weren't even 30 days apart. Now I wish I had a six month break between them. It's just too much heartache at once for me to handle, but Jamie could.
That morning he served me breakfast in bed, but it was Bree's favorite chocolate chip pancakes. After that he took me to an adventure park about an hour away from Bolton. Zip-lines, rock climbing, rope structures in the top of the trees with different exercises you had to do while up there. When Jamie pulled in at first I thought he made the wrong turn. "What are we doing here?"
Jamie just shit the truck off and started getting out. "It's Bree's Birthday. Let's make sure it's awesome." And we did. We ran from one end of the park to the other not leaving till we went twice on every obstacle. Letting our inner kids run free.
That night I dreamed Bree and Alex were there with us having the time of their lives. Only when we were getting ready to leave Jamie and I couldn't find the kids anywhere. When I woke up I was covered in sweat with tears running down my face. I felt like I had lost them all over again.
I tried to hide my negative thoughts from Jamie, but even I could tell I wasn't very convincing. The forced smile I gave him on several occasions over the next few days told him what I couldn't. When Jamie wasn't home I'd go into a zombie like zone. Not talking or moving, just sitting in the corner chair in the living room starring out the window.
I couldn't stop the constant what if's running through my mind. "What if Bree's hungry? Are they being feed? What if Alex ran out of medicine? What if they are in the hospital, hurt, somewhere? What if they're dead? What if I never see my babies again?
After a week and a half of being stuck in my head playing the "what if" game I was starting to scare myself. Not telling how terrified Jamie must be he probably thinks I'm gonna lock myself in Bree's room now. I hated making him worry so much about me. I hate seeing the helpless look in his eyes when he thinks I'm not looking.
Shay even called me to say their daily phone calls had increased and I needed to pull my head out of my ass and take care of my man. Of course she knew exactly what to say to piss me off, but the. Make me see her point.
I wasn't the only one scared and worried about the kids. Jamie was just as scared and worried as I was. I. The few months he spent with the kids he grew to love them just as much as he loved me.
I had to stop the head games. I had to trust in faith to bring my babies back, and when they made it I needed to be the momma they knew and loved. I had to get ME back. Mid October that's exactly what I did.
That morning when I was getting ready in the bathroom I gave myself a good look in the mirror. The youthful 30 year old face that normally stared back was gone. Instead all I saw were the hollow looking black ring eyes of a woman who had lost all hope. I grabbed my face sponge and cleanser and tried to scrub the stranger away.
When I looked again all I saw was rosy cheeks and a spark growing in my eyes. I gave the new face in the mirror my best mean mug. "You are loved. You are strong, and you will get them back." I kept repeating the same words till the sparkle turned into a deep fire. I wouldn't come close to giving up again.
I started calling Brandon everyday asking as many questions as I could about the case. We would talk for hours about Dewayne's behavior, his past, and everything I could remember about his and Denton's friendship. The questions I couldn't answer myself came easily after a little cyber stalking.
I amused myself with the research I had on both of them. Jamie turned one of the spare rooms into an office just for me to work in while he was gone. By the time Halloween came every wall was covered in everything I'd found out about both men. From the hospital they were both born at, to the girl they both lost their virginity to. Seems they had a thing for sharing even in those days.
I had names, ages, and phone numbers for every person they had ever spoke to in their lives. Dewayne wouldn't be able to his much longer. I could feel it.
Halloween night Jamie took me to a small carnival in town. After walking around for an hour Ms. Sims, one of the regulars at the diner, came and asked if we would help pass out candy to the kids. A few of the volunteers had to leave early. Apparently they were eating more than they were giving, giving them a massive stomach ache. Instead of Jamie just saying yes straight away he turned toward me and waited on me to decide for us. Another thing Dewayne never did.
I gave Jamie the first real smile, it felt, since my birthday. I grabbed his hand and squeezed hoping he understood how happy that small gesture made me. I kept my eyes locked with his as I gave our answer. "Sure Ms. Sims, we will help, just lead the way." She clapped and gave a full body shake of excitement before turning and heading back thru the crowd.
For the rest of the night I met every superhero, witch, space alien, and princess in the county. It was exactly what I needed. Excited smiling little faces with all their small wonders of this big world. I prayed Bree and Alex were as happy as these kids were.
Wherever they were I prayed they were going door to door at that moment. Some white haired grandma listening to the same excited costume stories that I was. A little Spider-Man was trying to use Jamie as a jungle gym tryin to show off his new spidey moves. Jamie was laughing as the kid did a back flip over his arm landing perfectly on his feet. As I watched that hollow feeling tried to creep in.
In my mind they little boy was Alex and Jamie was no different. Alex had already said he wanted to be Spider-Man this year, and if they were here this would be their moment. My son and the man that loved us.
Jamie started laughing at something the little boy said, and I shook those feelings gone and focused on the love I had for Jamie instead. When we were on the way home that night I told him how I had been feeling. The constant head games and self-doubt. I told him about the little boy tonight and how he reminded me of Alex, and my hope that Bree and Alex had as much fun tonight as we did.
I told Jamie about how much he helped keep me together these last few months when I didn't know if I could go on myself. When Jamie finally cut the truck off in front of the house I turned and grabbed his hands making him turn and look at me.
"I'm sorry, so so sorry it's taken me this long to tell you what's been going on with me. I've seen the worry you've tried to hide, but you never said anything just been my rock. And I can't think you enough for being by my side every day. And for everyday that's to come."
The weight that came off my shoulders with each word was amazing with this man by my side anything could be possible. Jamie gave me his mega-watt smile I loved to see and kissed our entwined fingers. "I love you too Marie. I promise from now on everything is going to be an adventure. Ok?"
"Ok" I was so calm and happy I would have agreed to anything Jamie asked of me.
"Good. Let's talk about Thanksgiving."

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We all know the saying 'When life gives you lemons.' Well I'm glad Marie's finally making her some lemonade!
Jamie has a special gift for Marie in the next chapter and something finally drops about Dewayne.
Till then,
Callie

© 2018 Copyright by Callie Sumner. All rights reserved.